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Saturday 31 December 2011

The end of blogging (2011 edition)


Well it’s nearly the end of the year now. About time for New Year’s resolutions.

Here’s mine.

1. To blow tobacco smoke through Deborah Arnott from ASH’s car window. (I would suggest you don’t click on the ASH link. If you think I would link to them then you must think I’m stupid).

2. To drink to excess and then vomit over Don Shenker from Alcohol Concern. (Again, I suggest not clicking on the link for the reason already given).

3. To up my carbon footprint to show solidarity with China. Bugger the Huhnatic and his bloody bird mincers  (You can click on these ones. Honestly).

4. Try to blog better

Anyhoo. A happy New Year to all those who visit this Blog. I hope to hear from the usual suspects who comment here, in the future. It’s my round (metaphorically). Have a large one.

Big Drink

Friday 30 December 2011

Chinese Sex

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah,
always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!”

*Note to self. Must get around to writing a decent blog post.

Thursday 29 December 2011

Sorry to tell you all this, but.....


Please note ...After December, I  will no longer be sending
e-mails. Thanks to the Post Office I am now going back to
licking stamps.....








Wednesday 28 December 2011

Getting to grips with electronic reading


For Christmas I was given a Kindle by my kids. I have toyed with the idea of buying one for some time, but not done so, not wishing the expenditure, on something I might not take to.

However it has taken me aback with it’s ease of use and ability to gain instant access to books that I would not normally consider.

One of the instant hits with me is that I can access the Amazon Kindle website on my computer, browse by genre, and then read the reviews on a book. Good and bad.

The beauty of it is, that if I find a book with good reviews  I can download it and be reading it in less than a minute.

And that’s my excuse why my blogging has been light over the last few days. Nothing to do with good food and copious quantities of booze of course.

Tuesday 27 December 2011

Drive a Nissan and do wheelies.

Not sure of the veracity of this clip. The filming seems to be too professional to me. It;s fun to watch though.

Monday 26 December 2011

Normality has nearly returned.

Most of the Scavengers family have left to return to their homes.As usual,  I completely buggered up the booze shopping before Christmas. I stocked up with a carefully drawn up list of alcohol that the visitors were known to drink. I got it wrong AGAIN.

It would seem that I’m now going to have to drink:

Two bottles of Morgan Spice rum.

Two bottles of Gin

Two bottles of Vodka.

and six bottles of red wine.

Think of me. The Horror.

wine (1) 

Mind you they never saw the single malts either.

The Irish. Again.


Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin , decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner..... after which he took another napkin and drew a picture  of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business!

Sunday 25 December 2011

It’s a quiet night

The family descended en masse to FE towers today. Myself and Mrs FE were up at the crack of dawn (Oh yes really), to prepare lunch, sort out glasses, and clean out and light the fire. By eleven all the family had mustered in an orderly fashion and you would think that everything was set for a fine dining repast. WRONG. We had no holly for the christmas pud. After much discussion (About 30 seconds), it was decided to send out a search party to search for said elusive berry. After trudging for some time we were all suffering from severe dehydration and were forced to seek comfort at a local hostelry.

The host of this blog was advised that we would play a game to decide who was going to pay for the lifesaving liquid refreshment, quaintly called beer. We would play Pewl pool. This involved hitting a white ball with a pointy stick, and trying to hit a yellow ball or a red ball. Woe betide you if you hit a blackball with the number eight on it. I lost.

For all our ventures in finding the shrub with the red berries in our troubled search, on returning home your FE was informed that he was incompetent as the said plant grows in his garden. (BUGGER, found out).

Lunch went well. No one suffered from projectile vomiting, so mrs FE must have done something right for a change. (Now I’m really in the shit).

Now is the winter of our content. (Shakespeare).

I’m now posting this in an alcoholic, mellow mood. (Thank god fot htr splee cheker).

I’ll try and be more erudite tomorrow.

If you’re lucky.

Saturday 24 December 2011

Dear Santa.

Please bring me beer. The kids are drinking my stocks at an alarming rate. Extra mince pies will be left out. And you can help yourself to a large single malt.

Yours truly

A soon to be beerless, Filthy Engineer.

P.S They drink Corona.

PPS. They’ve now started Whining on the wine.

PPPS. If they get near the whiskey, then you may only have to pass over their graves next year. It’ll save you a stop.

Santa Claus: An engineer's perspective:


I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the
world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th. of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second,  3,000 times the
speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself.
On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the Oflying¹ reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can¹t be done with eight or even nine of them  Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance. This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth¹s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion Joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in a milli-second, would be subjected to  forces of 17,500 G¹s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned
to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Just saying.

Shamelessly nicked from Subrosa

Merry Christmas


The house is filling up fast.

Nice though it is, there’s a problem. They’re drinking all the beer.

Still I suppose it’s Christmas.

Bah Humbug Merry Christmas.

Friday 23 December 2011

Silent night

All is peaceful in the FE household tonight.

The shopping has nearly finished, although I need real lager as Mrs FE bought non alcoholic crap. That’s tomorrow’s pilgrimage.

I’m quietly sitting here writing my usual drivel whilst sipping a large whisky, and Mrs FE, son and partner are attempting a jig saw.

The open fire is just dying down, having given a gentle glow complete with flickers of light in the living room.

At this mellow moment I would like to wish all those who read this ridiculous blog a very merry Christmas. I’m quite humbled by how many visits per day I get to this blog, and my main sin is in not replying to some of the comments I receive. However some of the comments are far better than what I write in the articles. They leave me speechless. (Bloody good excuse).

Being a man of few words, I’ve found that writing articles on this blog has been a burden that I never thought I would manage. I really wish that I had the imagination and fluidity that others possess.

I’ve written articles about my early life in the marine industry and I’m considering writing about my my last few years in that industry, where I’ll try and highlight the changes for good or bad. (OMG. I’m in terminal ramble mode).

I might get a post in tomorrow, but I’ve got to pick up my niece in Southampton and brink her to chez FE.

And of course buy beer.

Have a very, very, Merry, Christmas one and all.

Especially David Wheeler. Thankyou.

The Nativity if it happened today


Thanks to W from W for this.

Quote of the year


"and then God created the orgasm, so women can moan even when they’re happy."

He’s alive.


Red-faced U.S. Air Force officials admitted today that they accidentally shot down Santa Claus' sleigh and severely injured Santa and most of the reindeer as the sleigh hovered over a field near Edwards Air Force Base in California.

"We admit the error but we that does not alleviate Mr. Claus of his own responsibility", stated Col. Jerry Gandy, 95th Air Base Wing commander.

Gandy said that Santa is allowed his yearly trek across North America under the conditions that he clearly identify his sleigh, retains radio contact with Air Force officials and remains at least 300 yards from any airports or U.S. Air Force installations.

"I radioed my coordinates well in advance and I was just outside the 300 yard perimeter", Santa stated from his hospital bed where is listed in stable condition recovering from bullet wounds, spinal damage, bruises and contusions. "I think this was a deliberate act by the U.S. Government to prevent Christmas from happening this year".

Gandy also stated that Santa's sleigh was not clearly identifiable as it had no distinguishing identification tags.

"That's ridiculous", Santa stated. "How many other damned sleighs are there out there being pulled by a pack of reindeer?"
Hospital officials say that Santa is expected to make a full recovery and veterinary officials state the same for the reindeer, except for Rudolph.

"I'm afraid Rudolph's nose was blown off", said one of the veterinarians on condition of anonymity. "We can build him a new nose but it won't have that trademark red glow".

President  Barack Obama said that he will discipline the air force officials over this outrage.
"I won’t get the Wii I asked for this year because of them", Obama stated.

Thursday 22 December 2011

I don’t believe it.

A Tesco store at the largest military base in Western Europe has provoked outrage after failing to sell the Military Wives’ number one single.

The shop at Catterick - one of the Army's oldest and biggest bases - claimed that it was too small to stock the hit charity song 'Wherever You Are’ – which is currently outselling the rest of the top 20 combined.

But the store DOES stock Little Mix’s single Cannonball.

Staff have now been ordered to quickly order copies after customers complained they could not get hold of it.

So says the Daily Mail.

Well you can listen to it here then.


H/T to Captain Haddock for pointing me to the article.

All is not what it seems.




This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
After all, it is ONLY A SIGN.

You may say: 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?' 





= God Bless Scotland =

Wednesday 21 December 2011



"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower


My prayer for 2012

gopher praying

Dear God,
My prayer for 2012 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.


Tuesday 20 December 2011

Definitely non PC

If you’re a Guardian reader. look away now.

During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, "We didn't even know they were living up there."

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.  How could anyone stoop so low!

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds and comes to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of
breath from all his climbing.
"No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out,
"Hey, Mohammed! Two coffees!"

Friendly Holiday Advice

Public service message.

Please, take care of yourself this Christmas.  A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the DVLA  indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.  This means that the remaining 77% are caused by people who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and shit like that.  Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.  They cause three times as many accidents.

See. Anyone can play with statistics.

Monday 19 December 2011


junk mail

(1) The three little words: 'Hold On, Please...'

Saying  this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of
hanging-up  immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear BT's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to  go back and hang up your have efficiently completed your task.
These three little words could help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do  you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls  and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This  technique is then used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' salesperson to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering: If  you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your #  button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses  the machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their  system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any  longer!!!

(3) When you get those  'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd  mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return  envelope.

Most of these come with postage-prepaid return  envelopes, right?
It costs them more than the regular  postage 'IF' and when they are returned. It costs them nothing if you  throw them away!

In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk  mail and put it in these cool little, postage-prepaid return envelopes.
Send an advert for your local chimney sweeper to American  Express... They might need one!

Send a pizza coupon to HSBC... In case  their canteen packs up. You get the idea.

If you didn't get anything  else that day, then just send them back their blank application form....  After all, it is their form!

If you want to remain anonymous, just  make sure your name isn't on anything you return.
You can even  send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It  still costs them, and it is their envelope after all; you are just  returning it!!!!

The banks and credit card companies are currently  getting a lot of their own junk back in the post, but folks....we need to  OVERWHELM them, in order to stop them.

Let's let them know what it's  like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all
they're paying for  it...Twice!

Let's help keep Royal Mail busy. Since the Royal Mail  is saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, let's help  them so they will not need to increase postage costs again. You get the  idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- maybe  you'll get very
little junk mail anymore.

Sunday 18 December 2011

Climate Realist fights back

A couple of days ago I posted how a UK blogger going by the name of “Tallbloke” was served a court order by six of the plod and had two computers and a router removed from his house.

The warrant was executed on behalf of a request from the American Ministry of Justice, to Norfolk police.

Since then it transpires that an American Blogger over at this site, wrote a libellous diatribe accusing Tallbloke of being a thief.

of course if you visit that site now, you will only find a hastily sanitised version of the post. I was shocked when I read the original post and so would you be if you’d seen it. (Others have screen shots of the original post)

Anyway Roger (Tallbloke) is not taking this lightly as his livelyhood is at stake, so he may take the author of the post through the Libel courts for defamation.

There is a fighting fund being organised over at Watts up with that. Believe you me the donations are flooding in. If you believe that the truth about the whole global warming scam is being manipulated by a now frightened core of fanatics who will do anything to stop their religion from being scuppered, then donate what you can. I know times are hard, but every little bit counts.

That song that is playing in your head.

Not meaning to nag. (Oh yes I am).

On sale at Amazon Tomorrow/. Priced £1.99. Go on splash out for a worthy cause.

Made me smile


"I was going through a couple of magazines down at the local mosque and then my gun jammed".

Saturday 17 December 2011

I made a mistake. I’m so sorry.

Stop press: FE news bulletin.

A day or two ago I wrote that santa had been shot down by an Iranian surface to air missile. I was wrong. It transpires that they were not the culprits. The real villains are exposed below in the article.

The US Air Force, NORAD (North American Aerospace Defense Command), in a gross case of mistaken identity, disintegrated Santa Clause and his 18 reindeer over Washington airspace this evening. Apparently, the heavy red man was flying over restricted airspace when he was mistaken for an intercontinental ballistic missile and was disintegrated on the spot.
The pilots of the two, F-18 Navy Hornet Fighters sent to the area say they tried to contact the object and unleashed several AIM-9 sidewinder missiles into the side of his sleigh after he failed to respond.

Volunteers who were working with NORAD Santa Tracking Operations Center (STOC) were dismayed when they had to break the bad news. Children, who were busy calling in and sending emails wanting to get a fix on Santa Claus' whereabouts before the incident occurred, were shocked to hear the news.

Those kids who were watching live, 3-D video-stream footage of the jolly saint getting blown to smithereens had it the worst said volunteers.

"What kid is going to understand that their number one hero was blown to smithereens just doing his job?" said children's advocate and author, Jonothan Kozel.

Social workers were being called in from all over Washington and locations outside the DC area to deal with the crises. Crisis centers opened throughout the city so that families could take their children for help dealing with strong emotions.

When asked again if he thought that the two Navy fighters acted in haste, Keating said, "We're a defensive organization. We have no intention of conducting offensive operations unless we're attacked. Those two fighters tried to make contact with him, but there was no response on his part. We're not even sure if that was the real Santa Clause, or a Communist impostor."

Researchers compared tonight's incident with the US Army Infantry fiasco reported earlier this month whereby US Abrams tanks blew up the Buddhas of Bamiya during a morning target practice exercise.
Researchers say that it has been too long a journey for the Fourth Century Bishop, over 1,600 years, to end up disintegrated in the sights of an F-18 aircraft.

This is a sad day for everybody.

In other news today, the US Navy has another one of their submarines in trouble off the coast of Australia. Apparently giant sperm whales are being attracted to the submarines for some reason.
Navy officials are not sure if it is the Navy's sonar that the giant whales are attracted to, or just the design, or if Cuba is feeding the giant fish large doses of Macca to stimulate it's sexual appetite to disable the subs. This issue is currently under investigation.


And Merry Christmas to the source.

Friday 16 December 2011

They’re all crooked


The younger Cat that owns this house has a problem with her coat. She moults for Queen and Country. Her fur ends up in a knotted mass and this young female has a rabid dislike of being brushed, combed, and generally handled.

Mrs FE had the bright idea of suggesting the local vetinary practice could take the pain and sort out the coat. (if you’ve ever been scratched by a demented cat, then you’ll know the pain).

So I took the bloody scrounging animal into the vet this morning, sat there for half an hour, and eventually managed to hand over the criminal for incarceration and a fur entanglement procedure.

Phone rings in the afternoon. “Can you pick up your cat”. OK I’ll do that.

If I’d known that they had to drug said cat, just to brush out the lumps of fur, I would have taken another course of action.

Why did they have to charge me £124 for an anaesthetic when I could have rendered the creature from hell, unconscious with a brick?

They’re worse than the dentistry profession.

Thursday 15 December 2011

And then they came for the Sceptics……..

A British blogger who was one of the first Climate Sceptics to receive the Climategate2 Emails has had his home raided, and computers seized.

An Englishman’s home is his castle they say. Not when six detectives from the Metropolitan Police, the Norfolk Constabulary and the Computer Crime division arrive on your doorstep with a warrant to search it though.

I waved the first three in and bid them head through to the sitting room, where there was less of an chill near the woodburner. Then they kept coming, being introduced by the lead detective from Norfolk as they trooped in. I thought I’d been chosen to host the secret policemen’s ball or something. :)

Go and read it all over at Tallbloke’s Talkshop.

If they really just want copies they could have asked me. I’d have saved them the time and trouble, by just E mailing them to Force headquarters.

Need a drink?

Have you ever been in a strange place and wanted a drink? Then here’s a handy website.

Just enter the post code.

H/t to Man Widdecombe

Wednesday 14 December 2011

That’s Christmas cancelled

According to reliable reports Santa’s pre Christmas trials have been a disaster.
TEHRAN (Dec 13)-The Iranian News Agency is claiming that the Doshan Tapeh Air Base commander has reported one of it's newly acquired Russian SA-15 anti-aircraft missile defence batteries engaged and shot down the Santa Claus reindeer propelled flying sled over Northern Iran today. The target was tracked on radar for 10 minutes before the order to fire was given by the regional air defence commander
Witnesses report seeing the SA-15 streak skyward erupting in a brilliant flash and then a giant fireball plummeting to the earth. The fireball was captured on film.
The smouldering wreckage was discovered in the mountainous region of Mazandaran Province, just south of the Caspian Sea.
The crash site had been looted by local village children leaving only scraps of colourful paper wraps and ribbon amid a large impact crater.
There were no signs of a survivor. Villagers reported a large pack of wolves carried off the reindeer remains.
A NORAD command spokesperson at Peterson Air Force Base answered "no comment" when asked if Santa had yet to appear on US radar. An unnamed senior radar specialist commented, "In all the years I've been doing this I've never seen Santa fail to show up on radar. I fear something dreadful has happened".
You heard it here first.

Update: Disturbing news. There is some doubt of the veracity of the proponent of this foul deed. Further investigations are ongoing at this time,

Tuesday 13 December 2011

politically incorrect. Look away now. (or peek through your fingers).

During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, "We didn't even know they were living up there."

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.  How could anyone stoop so low!

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds and comes to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of
breath from all his climbing.
"No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out,
"Hey, Mohammed! Two coffees!"

High water bill explained

Jennifer and Jim kept getting huge water bills. They knew beyond a doubt that the  bills weren't representative of their actual usage, and no matter how  hard they tried to conserve, the high bills continued, with some  being larger than others. Since they could find nothing wrong  themselves, they had a plumber come out and check everything for leaks  or problems, including the water meter, outdoor pipes, indoor pipes,  underground pipes, faucets, toilets, washer, ice maker......EVERYTHING  to which their water line was connected -- all  to no  avail.
One day Jim was sick and stayed at home in bed. Not long  after his wife left for work, he was awoken by hearing running water.  He finally figured that it seemed like something downstairs running. So  he finally conjured up enough strength to get himself out of bed to  investigate, and it was then he stumbled onto the cause of their really  high water bills. Apparently this was happening all day long when they  were not at home.
He called his wife home, and then  knowing that few people would ever believe them, he and his wife video  taped a segment of the 'problem' for all posterity so as to have a film  of this unbelievable 'leak' -- see attached  video.


Monday 12 December 2011

Christmas, logs, and the dentist.

It was one of those days. Today I had an appointment with the dentist. As we’ve only got one car now, The second one being borrowed by the boy, I had to run Mrs FE into work. (She needs to be kept busy and out of my way otherwise this blog would cease to exist).

That task over, and having stopped to buy a paper, I spent an hour or so relaxing with multiple cups of coffee, and a good peruse through my RSS reader.

Seeing as I was due to visit Torquemada my dentist, I decided that a shower was needed to wash the smell of tobacco from my puny torso. Just to stop, said dentist, from wrinkling up his nose and giving me the usual lecture.

I’d just finished my shower and was just drying myself, all the time admiring my manly torso in the mirror, I heard a vehicle attempting to find a space on my drive. It was logman. (I’d ordered a load of logs for my open fire. Bugger global warming). In an instance I hot dressingowned to the front door, hair in disarray, to be confronted with a rather frightened character. (If you’d seen me, so would you be).

Unfortunately he ended up having to unload the bag of logs next to the car, instead of beside the house. I didn’t think any thing of it at the time. Until.

On setting out for the dentist I found that I couldn’t get into the car. Bugger.

A frantic twenty minutes ensued of log moving and eventually I managed to finally climb into the Ferrari, (I’m downplaying my actual car, I wouldn’t want you to be jealous dear reader), and of to the dentist.

Do you want to know what happened there? probably not but I’ll tell you anyway.

Last time I went to Vlad the impaler my dentist cut open my gum to insert somethings of which seemed like plastic bottle tops. Today the stitches were to be taken out. needless to say. The PAIN.

Of course I manfully withstood this. What really made me cry is that I’m expected to pay £3577 in January for the experience.

Another downside to Christmas is that Mrs FE has ordered a vast amount of presents on line. therefore I have become a prisoner in my home waiting for the deliveries. However I’ve met a lot of new people, I would never have met.

That was today. What will tomorrow bring?

Christmas Lights



My house is the one on the right. I really am quite tight.

Sunday 11 December 2011

One has to love the Irish logic..... I do.....


You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....
The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease... Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: ...............
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information.But what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... And only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

The program was never aired...

Sorry Kiddies

Santa has had a slight accident.


Saturday 10 December 2011

Don’t forget the military wives.

I’ve been banished to the computer in the kitchen. Why you ask? My wife and the niece (Bless her curse her, she’s drinking all my rum), are watching the X Factor finale. I was deemed persona non grata for suggesting that it was puerile wannabee crap. Or words to that effect.

So in a mind for a bit of FE disobedience please buy this single for Christmas.

Where ever you are

It’s only £1.99 at Amazon.

Go on, you’ll be doing your bit in supporting our armed forces. I count myself as lucky in conflicts I’ve been in. However I’ve  lost some dear friends to war. I will remember them. Without meaning to hector, you should as well.

What am I discussing here?

  • Death due to accidental inhalation of DHMO, even in small quantities.
  • Prolonged exposure to solid DHMO causes severe tissue damage.
  • Excessive ingestion produces a number of unpleasant though not typically life-threatening side-effects.
  • DHMO is a major component of acid rain.
  • Gaseous DHMO can cause severe burns.
  • Contributes to soil erosion.
  • Leads to corrosion and oxidation of many metals.
  • Contamination of electrical systems often causes short-circuits.
  • Exposure decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.
  • Found in biopsies of pre-cancerous tumors and lesions.
  • Given to vicious dogs involved in recent deadly attacks.
  • Often associated with killer cyclones in the U.S. Midwest and elsewhere, and in hurricanes including deadly storms in Florida, New Orleans and other areas of the southeastern U.S.
  • Thermal variations in DHMO are a suspected contributor to the El Nino weather effect.

Bloody dangerous stuff, in my mind.

A hint

Answers on a post card by Email will be judged on their merit.



You have been warned. Kiddywinks. Be good.

Friday 9 December 2011

I did not know this...

Public service broadcast

ice cubes

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.

Thursday 8 December 2011

The BBC must go.

Now I’ve long believed that the BBC has been a left leaning organisation, that is incapable of looking outside of it’s own self serving “bubble”.

I have written about scare stories before, and most have them have been hyped up by the BBC using unreliable science. Take one example. The BSE scare. We were led to believe night after night on our compulsory levied channel, that thousands were going to die as it mutated into CJD in the population. In fact about a hundred died.

This brings me on to one of the longest BBC scandals. Anthropogenic global warming or climate change as it is now called. (Most probably name changed as the climate has cooled over the last decade).

in Today’s Daily Mail Christopher Booker briefly summarises how the BBC has patently colluded in perpetuating the dodgy science. His article can be found here. Just read the article and then maybe you’ll like to read his paper written for the Global Warming Policy Foundation.

His article for the GWPF is really eye opening (You need some time and a few beers). It shows up the BBC for a left leaning biased inward looking organisation that in my opinion is not worth the money we pay for.

The whole article can be found HERE in PDF format. It really is an eye opener.

On a lighter note, (As in flames) it would seem that Scottish wind turbines don’t like wind.

burning wt

History of Europe



Wednesday 7 December 2011

Is Richard Black having second thoughts?

just in case you don’t know who Richard Black is. He’s the BBC’s environmental correspondent who keeps banging on about how we’re all doomed if we don’t bow down to the great God, “Climate change”.

Maybe, just a slight niggle that something might not be true in the climate change scenario. Here he opines.

Grand statements about climate change impacts are all very well for scientists - a global average temperature rise of so many degrees Celsius, a global change in precipitation of such-and-such percent.


His closing remarks are quite illuminating.

The Met Office team explained that the impacts of melting glaciers were not included in their modelling - and that's set to be a serious issue not only in Peru but the much more populous nations around the Himalayas.

When quizzed about these figures, one of the Met Office scientists said that many other projections were based on single computer models.

Putting the range of uncertainty in the public domain from this large suite of models was, she said, "intellectually honest".

Fair enough. But the exercise also surely gives you an insight into the limits of current modelling when the various models, each of them supposed to be "state-of-the-art", reach such divergent conclusions.

As a policymaker, as a business leader, as a citizen, would you make decisions on the basis of these models? (My embolden).

The start of a damascene conversion?

Tuesday 6 December 2011

The Winner is of X Factor is…………………

I don’t watch it but found this little gem of a picture. The screen shot is from Twitter
X factor winner
Mmmm. It’s definitely on the HMV website. HERE

UPDATE: It now appears to have been removed.

More Clarkson

Statements he’s made in the past. Just thought I’d give the lefty, green, twitterers , something else to froth about.

1. “I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.”

2. [On the Porsche Boxster] “It couldn’t pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.”

3. [When driving the Mercedes SLR McLaren through a tunnel] “When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said ‘Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!’ They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.”

4. “I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.”

5. “Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… that’s what gets you.”

6. “Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what… being stabbed?”

7. [On Detroit] “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.”

8. “Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.”

9. [On the Renault Clio V6] “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”

10. [On the Enzo Ferrari] “I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.”

11. [On the Porsche Cayenne] “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”

12. “The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”

13. “Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.”

14. “If you were to buy a BMW 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.”

15. “That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.”

16. [On a Chevrolet Corvette] “The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”

17. [On the Alfa Romeo Brera] “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?”

18. “A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.”

19. “This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!’”

20. “In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.”

21. [On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG] “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

22. “I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.”

23. “Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.”

24. “Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.”

25. “I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”

Monday 5 December 2011

Engineering as it used to be–part 7.

I left my reader (Hi Christopher) some months ago, hanging on with bated breath. Here is the next episode in the saga of engineering and debauchery at it’s finest. (I might just leave out most of the engineering bit).*

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.

For those of a non technical bent, look away now.

On sailing from Singapore, which was a relief because my funds were severely in the red, we set off for a visit to the land of the rising sun. Japan.

What I was not expecting was that my boss had volunteered me to do an exchange with one of the accompanying warships (I’m showing my age here. It was a “Battle” class destroyer). I would transfer over in exchange for one of their midshipmen. Of course this would be done at sea whilst we were underway, by means of a jackstay transfer.


This involved passing a rope between the two ships travelling at speed and then being hauled across by a bunch of tossers who thought nothing of relaxing the jackstay enough to allow yours truly to be partially immersed in the South China Sea. Bastards. (I can say that cos it’s my blog). These days transfers are usually carried out by helicopter as H&S has virally infected our armed forces.(I’m surprised that they are even allowed to shoot the Taliban).

One thing that never ceases to amaze me was their choice of sleeping quarters for me. A camp bed in the radio room. On an RFA vessel the only people permitted entrance were those that had Top Secret clearance or above and positively vetted, (it was another 15 years before I obtained that level of clearance, due to the fact that I had to work round those big nasty things that went bang and emitted a large mushroom cloud).

Next came disillusionment. Being a callow youth and believing everything I’d been told, I thought that I would live the life of a naval officer. Swanning around, practicing a plummy accent, and drinking copious quantities of pink gin in the wardroom (Bar).

Not so. I was to attend the midnight to four watch in the boiler room. Bugger. A quick briefing ensued, where it was explained to TFE that naval boiler rooms had a different set of rules. Let me explain. In the RFA they had a perfectly reasonable way of getting air into the boilers to aid combustion of the fuel. You use a fan to feed air directly into the furnace. Made sense to me. Not so in Her Majesty’s Royal navy.

Their idea was to pressurise the entire boiler room. As explained to me, if I was to enter the boiler room and endanger this pressurisation, the flames in the furnace would leap out and engulf all.

So the boiler room had an airlock system that you had to enter by. With a safety feature being that the outer door had a switch that turned on a light in the airlock. When this light illuminated then it was safe to enter the boiler room.

Ten to midnight loomed. After struggling to find my way I arrived at the first door and opened it with trepidation. Not knowing my way around, for all I knew, I might have found an outside toilet. The next paragraph shows that I may have needed one.

I’m in the airlock. I close the outer door. Oh fuck, I’m still in pitch darkness. Try again. Nope. (Twenty times later), Expecting to be engulfed by the fires of hell, I inch open the inner door. To my surprise there was no agonising flaming death.

All  I found was that the boiler room crew (laughing hysterically I saw), had deliberately unscrewed the light bulb. Bastards.

An interesting aside. The following day I was informed that I’d be  on one of the dog watches. I was somewhat taken aback by that statement. Yes, my last ship had a cat. But the navy kept dogs onboard? That really intrigued me. Was I to spend the time cleaning out the kennels of attack alsatians used to repel boarders, or were they Officers’ pets? I was wrong. Oh well.

*Fooled you. this post was always going to be about the engineering (Or lack of it). Next post. Japan.

One day i might even let you know about my bit part as a submariner. That was fun. Especially the toilets.

Sunday 4 December 2011

Now if I was Jeremy Clarkson I might have said this…..

For those of a politically correct persuasion. Look away now. I expect you’ve read the warning sign in the top left hand corner of the Blog. In case you missed it, here it is again.

politically incorrect

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the charity shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Centre they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Afro-Caribbean is not the correct answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping centre, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk: "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Feel suitably offended now.

Saturday 3 December 2011

Lets make it No.1


Shamelessly I'm promoting what I hope will be this year's No 1 in the annual tussle for the Christmas single.

The CD will be released on 19 December and pre-ordered on Amazon or bought via iTunes.

The second track is another composition from Paul Mealor - Now Sleeps The Crimson Petal (Four Madrigals On Rose Texts(: A Spotless Rose.

The proceeds of the single will go to SSAFA Forces Help and the British Legion.

Subrosa. I’ve shamelessly nicked your text as I’m too lazy to write my own. Your text says it all.

Friday 2 December 2011

You’re being lead down the low carbon path

I’ve just downloaded a copy of the “Delinquent teenager who was mistaken for the world's top climate expert”, by Donna Laframboise.

If you, like me, are a climate change sceptic (and if you do believe in AGW you’ll be shocked, and maybe slightly worried and may question your beliefs), then her book is well worth a read. She doesn’t go into long technical discussions. That isn’t the purpose of the book. Instead she takes the IPCC decision making process apart, and tears it to shreds. This is a book you should send to your Member of Parliament so they might see how the wool has been pulled over their eyes.

Just to wet your appetite, follow the link below for a free sample


The full PDF version can be found HERE.  Priced at $4.99.




Thursday 1 December 2011

Bah Humbug

Seeing that the Tellybox is now in full Christmas mode, I'll just let the video below show why all the kiddywinks are not going to get any presents this year.


Dog shoots man

Yes really. This dog has found that biting is yesterday’s game.


An American man was rushed to hospital after being shot in the buttocks by his dog during an ill-fated duck hunting accident in Utah.

Oh well. I’ll get my hat..