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Wednesday 31 July 2013

That’ll work then

Cheshire East council thinks that it can go it alone by imposing minimum pricing on booze.

CHESHIRE East Council looks set to go ahead with its plans to crack down on cheap booze despite the Government U-turn.

At the council’s cabinet meeting last month members agreed to endorse the principle of introducing a minimum unit price for alcohol – something David Cameron last year appeared keen on introducing nationally.

Cheshire East looks set to press ahead with its plans – despite the Government’s apparent change of heart earlier this month.

Cheshire East is designated by the “G” on the map below. Now if I had a supermarket in “E”, Kidsgrove, I’d be rubbing my hands with glee.


I’m seriously thinking of investing in a white van, and just sit over the boarder.

Fuckwits, the lot of them.

Monday 29 July 2013

Driving abroad can be hazardous to your health

Just a selection of incredible traffic accidents in Russia. It would seem that the driving test is not very strict.


And I thought the M25 was bad……….

Friday 26 July 2013


A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ... 'HEBREWS'

Thursday 25 July 2013

How to Calm a Man

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

I’m so going to get it in the neck from my female relatives now.

Tuesday 23 July 2013

My Civic duty done.

An E Mail I sent today.


Dear Lingfield Parish Council.

It would  seem you have a problem of the rodent variety. Two weeks ago whilst my grandson and I were feeding your ducks, I became aware of something that appeared not quite right.

At the time I was seated on the golden jubilee bench (How do I know that? Because it's got a plaque on it), when out of the corner of my eye I spotted something unusual.

On my right, coming from the direction of the Co-Op, something was scuttling at speed towards us. My first thought was that it was a Kamikaze duck attempting a flanking movement to snatch our bread. It was not till the last moment I realised this "Duck" had a long narrow tail, as it took a sharp left turn next to the bench and leapt into the bush behind.

Ratty. The Sequel.

Today I saw, what I presume was the same animal of a rodent persuasion, leaping out of the bush into the green rubbish bin adjacent to the bench. As I approached it removed itself by jumping back into the bush. My Grandson and I, being professional cowards moved to the other bench. Also I didn't want ratty to pounce on my expensive Magnum ice cream.

I hope this E-mail is of use to you.


A Member of Lingfield another parish council.

PS. Do I now qualify for David Cameron’s “Big Society”?


Monday 22 July 2013

Warm enough?

The temperature peeked at 33 deg C in my neck of the woods today. My thermometer is still indicating 30 deg C now.

Of course it won’t stay like that will it?


My model says so.

Sunday 21 July 2013


I just caught a Tesco advert on the idiot box tonight. In the advert they proudly boast that if you find that their product is more costly in their store rather than at Sainsburys, Asda, or Morrisons, they’ll give you a coupon for redemption once you pass through the checkout.

Sounds good on the surface doesn’t it?

The customer of course is going to think to themselves that Tesco is being wonderfully philanthropic and will return the following week to redeem their voucher.

All Tesco has to do is add a couple of pence on dietary staples such as bread, milk, cornflakes, whiskey, water, tea, coffee, whiskey, and butter, etc, each week. Lo and behold, their customer base is secure at no extra cost to them.


Going on the tube?


stickers on the central line

Saturday 20 July 2013


A mean green and his turbine machine.

When Stephen Munday spent £20,000 on a wind turbine to generate electricity for his home, he was proud to be doing his bit for the environment.

He got planning permission and put up the 40ft device two years ago, making sure he stuck to strict noise level limits.

But neighbours still complained that the sound was annoying - and now the local council has ordered him to switch it off.

Which makes me wonder how the big turbine owners can state that theirs are noise free?

While I admire his thriftyness I did notice in the article that he placed it, it would seem, as far away from his house as was possible. Necessitating that it would be closer to his neighbours. If he had placed it next to his house then it wouldn’t have been a problem I expect.

Maybe I’m being too mean to Mr Munday.

Friday 19 July 2013

Goodbye to baiting BMWs.

I’m changing my car.

My present car is a Volvo. However before you spit, it’s not any old Volvo. Mine is the S60 D5 2.4 litre turbo diesel, giving out 185 BHP and 400Nm of torque.

Many a happy time has been had on a motorway driving in the outside lane and waiting to see a BMW grill fast approaching in my rear view mirror. And oh joy. Once it has tried to climb onto my rear bumper I just drop down a gear, floor the throttle and leave it standing whilst I accelerate to xxx MPH. (Top speed I do is secret). Then I pull over to the middle lane and let them catch up and eventually pass, whilst smirking at them.

However now is the time to grow up. I’ve got two grand kids and the Volvo is now unsuitable for my needs. The boot is totally useless when you are trying to transport items such as push chairs and the like. The back doors don’t open wide enough to safely lift a toddler into a car seat without banging their head. (Note to social services).

So I’ve now bought a Nissan Qashquai 2.0 litre n-tec.


I did spend a while haggling over price. Eventually I just said to the salesman “This is all I’m prepared to pay, it’s up to you”. It did help that I’d got my facts and figures rehearsed in advance and he hadn’t.

Mind you if you get overtaken by a gunmetal qashquai it might be me. I don’t think I’ll ever really grow up.

Tuesday 16 July 2013

How do they make a living?


Apologies for the lack of posts of late but things are quite hectic at the moment.

My present motor conveyance has been costing me money that I don’t want to spend. So I’m looking for something new.

Having looked on this Interweb thingy I found a slew of franchised dealers that sold the make of vehicle I wished to purchase.

Mrs FE and myself jumped into our motor carriage and sweated (Bloody AC has gone tits up) our way to the dealer. On getting there, and finding a parking space we wandered around the forecourt for a good fifteen minutes. Now in the old days, within minutes, you’d be fighting of salesmen like a diver fights off sharks. They didn’t have what I wanted, but I doubt whether I would have bought from them anyway. (They were probably sitting in the air conditioned showroom giggling at the two old duffers braving 32 degrees of heat).

Anyway back to the internet for another look. And guess what? I found just the car that would suit us at another dealer linked to the same franchise. Naturally I phoned that dealer and arranged for a viewing and a test drive in an hour and a half’s time.


When we got there (Drenched in bodily fluids. And no we hadn’t pissed ourselves), no-one seemed to know why we were there.

An utter shambles.

Not only was the vehicle to be viewed stuck behind three rows of other cars, but they couldn’t find the sodding keys for ten minutes.

Anyway I shall cut them some slack as I’m going for a test drive on friday.

Is this the same in all British industry or am I just unlucky?

Friday 12 July 2013

Today we won a battle

But the war is still on-going. Here I’m talking about the government’s decision not to introduce plain packaging for tobacco products.

I think that the government has just realised that 20% of the populace smoke and are terrified that this could be a disaster for them at election time if those smokers for instance were to vote for UKIP.


Thanks to all that fought this creeping nannying assault on us smokers.


Dick Puddlecote



And everyone else who fought this stupid idea.

Thursday 11 July 2013

Put that in your pipe….

and smoke it.

Interesting little video showing the lack of knowledge at a NHS smoking quit line.

Sorry about the music.

Monday 8 July 2013

Speed limits

I was on facebook a few minutes ago when a member asked why don't we abolish speed limits on motorways? Of course straight away comments were the usual. We need them to prevent accidents. I disagree.

Apart from the fact that the 70 mph speed limit was set when cars were fitted with drum brakes, no ABS, crossply tires, and dubious  suspension, this figure was just chosen at seemingly random.

My premise is that speed alone is not the killer. The killers are "Innapropriate speed and lack of spacial awareness. You shouldn't drive at 70 in thick fog, but why can't you drive at 100 mph on the M25 at 0300 in the morning in good conditions? How many drivers use all their mirrors? I must spend 30% of my time using my mirrors in order to build a mental picture of the vehicles around me.

One sign of a good motorway driver is that they use their brakes sparingly. This driver evaluates relative velocities in good time and eases of on the throttle  as required to cease closing with the vehicle ahead.

Personally I feel safer driving around the M25 in the rush hour than on a weekend when the Rover 45 owners club are out in force visiting relations.

Saturday 6 July 2013



For a while you have no grandchildren, and then all of a sudden two come at once. Just like buses. After having four years of retirement, it's like going back to work. When you've just got into the habit of doing what you want to, when you want, it comes as a shock. It's like work. Certain things have to be done at certain times. (Feeding, nappy changing, getting them to sleep, etc. At least when I was working I could discuss the day's plan of action. Now my workforce just scream at me.

At least I don't have to pay them.

Thursday 4 July 2013

Can lightening strike twice. Yes it can.

Three years (ish) ago my eldest daughter and her partner (Now my son in law) were informed that they only had a 5% chance of having a child. However against all odds and just before they were going to try IVF treatment, the little miracle occurred. My daughter became pregnant. They now have a bouncing nineteen month (I thinkish)  boy.
From the moment he was diagnosed with testicular cancer, Huw Allanson had feared his dream of becoming a father would never come true.
Having battled testicular cancer twice – losing his left testicle and having nine rounds of chemotherapy in the process – he was told his chances of becoming a father were just five per cent.
But this year, he’s had more to celebrate than most. Incredibly, just a week before he and his fiancé Lizi, 32, were due to start IVF, they discovered they had managed to conceive naturally and their son Ryan was born in in April this year. (That’s 2012)(And they’re now married).

Here's the story in full
They love the boy (Ryan) but were resigned to him being an only child.
However the fairy tale doesn’t end there. Guess what?
She’s now pregnant again!

Grrrrrrrh. More babysitting.

I've finally posted this.

How to open a beer.

Public service announcement.

NB. The author of this post takes no responsibility for any loss of body parts whilst carrying out some of these suggestions.