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Monday 1 October 2012

Hurrah. It’s……….

Stoptober. (Bugger off, spellchecker, this is nothing to do with you. Get back in the closet).

Today we’ll see a new campaign exhort us smoking plebs (Oooh er, Did I just use a naughty word there?), to stop smoking for the month of  October.

Look you wankers in public health, and assorted fake charities such as ASH. I‘ve put up with National No Smoking day (I buy an extra pack on that day), but I’m seriously pissed off with the thought of the mindless drivel that we are going to be subjected to in the coming month.

Here’s a taster of that mindless drivel (Be sick if you wish).

Why should I stop? After all I’m contributing a fortune to the exchequer via excise duties. I’ve just done a quick calculation (On the back of a fag packet. Natch), that I’ve paid at least £35,000 in NI payments throughout my life, and still paying out of my pension. In that period I’ve had exactly five days off sick. I also  pay for private medical care and dentistry.

What is it with the Nu puritans who think that everyone has to conform to a state run norm? Are you trying to turn the country into some marxist, state run regime, only allowing the health fanatic elite to travel the Zil lanes to a supposed healthist utopia?

Well you can try, but you will fail with this smoker. I couldn’t give a shit about your silly games. I refuse to bow down to the nanny state.

What are you going to do about it?

Here’s my answer.


Our Navy fit for the 21st century.

How long before the description below comes true?


The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless.

The Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from EU headquarters in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be named
HMS Empathy,
HMS Circumspect,
HMS Nervous,
HMS Timorous
HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.  The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access.

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.

Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability.

Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime!

All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in.

Also out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water.*

Condoms can be obtained from the Boatswain in a variety of flavours.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor".

All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille.

Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities.
The Union Flag has already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.

Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal
immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules.

*The start of the slippery slope.