How long before the description below comes true?
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless.
The Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from EU headquarters in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be named
HMS Empathy,
HMS Circumspect,
HMS Nervous,
HMS Timorous
and
HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime!
All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in.
Also out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water.*
Condoms can be obtained from the Boatswain in a variety of flavours.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor".
All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members.
The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities.
The Union Flag has already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.
Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal
immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels."
His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules.
*The start of the slippery slope.
And the UK's obligation to meet the dictat of the Kyoto Protocol and reduce our Carbon Footprint to 30% below 1990 levels by 2020, means that two of the vessels will never actually get wet.
ReplyDeleteThey'll be used as land-based "Arcade Trainers" moored in redundant dry-docks at Rosythe & Portsmouth.
I do hope they are all fitted with anti-discriminatory access aids like ramps instead of stairs for wheelchair users.
ReplyDeleteSadly though we don't "waive the rules", we damn well add to them!
ReplyDeleteSeven destroyers? A bit optimistic aren't you?
ReplyDeleteWith the rate of current cutbacks in military spending, to allow the increases in aid (to those who both hate us and don't need it), to allow the reductions in civil service whilst increasing their staff numbers, and allow for all those extra 'Asian' immigrants, you'll be lucky if the navy will be able to afford the single rowboat (crewed by one leading seaman, commanded by 328 admirals).
Cogito, ergo doleo
Aye, the Timorous. We shelled her off Good Hope in '09. She spit smoke and scurried like the squid she were.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile in the sick bay; body piercing, abortion and euthenasia will be available on demand with an option for free genital mutilation for female Moslems on the demand of their male partners.
ReplyDeleteWhatever happened to HMS Troutbridge?
ReplyDelete