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Tuesday 30 December 2014

Think you're big do you?

The vid below puts things in perspective.

*I woz bored*

Wednesday 24 December 2014

Tuesday 23 December 2014

Another film that won't be released.

FOX News reported today that Walt Disney's new film called 'Jet Black,' the African-American version of 'Snow White' has been canceled.  All of the seven (7) dwarfs ”Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing 'Hi Ho' because they say it offends Black prostitutes.  They also say they damn sure have no intention of singing, "It's off to work we go.

I'll be waiting for the knock on the door. Hopefully I've offended someone.

That's Christmas cancelled then.

It would appear that Santa has gone missing.

U.S. INTELLIGENCE has confirmed this evening that Santa Clause was shot down at 16:09 GMT by by Syrian forces while flying inside Syrian airspace, American officials have said.

Friday 19 December 2014


‘Tis the time to be cheerful. Within limits, that is.


Take no notice of the limits. It’s Christmas.

Thursday 18 December 2014

Maybe this will help you over the Christmas period?

The most important ingredient.


Statistics have shown….


And of course the favourite vegetable.


I’m in the green everytime.


Must get plenty of lip balm again this year.


Mine will be 20 please.




Tuesday 16 December 2014

Australian terrorist attack.


If you’re interested in the background to the dead offender you might be interested to read

Fierce Pearce and the Fake Sheikh.

Written by Anna Raccoon.

Sunday 14 December 2014

Frankfurt airport

Light years ahead of Gatwick or Heathrow

Of course even in the future you're not immune to the odd mishap

Saturday 13 December 2014

Musical interlude.

Christmas music just got a lot more high brow after a choir of Oxford University students made this frightfully posh rendition of All I Want For Christmas is You.

Thursday 11 December 2014

Wednesday 10 December 2014

A musical topical interlude

A tribute to those who are serving on the Royal Fleet Auxiliary ship Argus which is currently moored off Sierra Leone.

I sailed on the Argus during the 2003 Gulf war in case you're interested in why I'm posting this.

Monday 8 December 2014

So Fox hunting has finished.

They may have been driven out of the country by the Green townies, however the urbanites are reaping what they sowed.

Since hunting with horses and hounds was outlawed, farmers and landowners have had to resort to guns.

But it’s not just rural folk who are taking a bullet to the heads of foxes nowadays – Londoners are staging a fightback too.

For £75 for the first fox and £50 for each subsequent one caught, they can hire a man called Phil (he won’t give his last name through fear of reprisals) and his .22-calibre rifle to kill the vermin that tip over our bins and (allegedly) crawl into our children’s beds at night.

And look at the scale of the problem.

With more foxes in London (10,000) than there are buses, his services are in great demand.

He told the New York Times that he has repeat customers because within four days of a fox leaving an area, another one has moved in.

It’s not helped by people leaving food out for the foxes, bins being left so that they can be tipped over and compost piles being left open.

With thanks to the Metro.

Sunday 7 December 2014

Sunday Silliness

Mathematics will save you from your past.


Lost a parcel?


Don’t care anymore? Then you must be my age.


Immigration rears it’s head.


Out of work?


Me when blogging and realising I’ve clicked the publish button too early.


Autumn statement?


And finally





Goodnight all.

Saturday 6 December 2014

Now and Then (Part2) (Luddites are advised not to enter)

In a previous post I wrote about how things have changed in the home over the years. Tonight I thought I’d just post about how my work place changed over the years.

Ship’s Engine rooms past and present.

The past

Hot and Noisy

The only main propulsion was either steam powered or large diesel engines such as the one pictured below. A Doxford, opposed piston, trunk engine. Believe it or not, it was fitted with common fuel rail  injection.


Control of main engines and auxiliary machinery were all local control, usually comprising of large levers and hand wheels.

Electrical power was supplied by open commutator, diesel generators generating 115 volt DC power. The switchboards were also open fronted with large, manually operated, circuit breakers.

The manufacture of potable water was by means of flash evaporators which had to be supplied with steam and operated with a vacuum.

My first ship’s steam boiler was a Cochrane upright, fire tube boiler. The automated control of the water level and lighting of the burner was a “Fireman” armed with a steel pole, with the end wrapped in diesel soaked rags, and a box of matches.

Temperature control of all machinery was purely manual and relied on the watchkeeping engineer reading local thermometers and adjusting cooler byepasses as required.

Hours of work: The working day was split up into watches. The 8 –12 (working 8 in the morning to midday and 8 in the evening till midnight. get my drift?), the 12 –4, and the 4 – 8. The 8 – 12 was always considered the junior most watch and the 4 – 8 the senior watch. Why might you ask? Believe it or not it all revolved around the bar hours!

Health and safety. It was left to the individual whether he died or lived. It was up to you to look where you were going.

As an aside. Smoking. Allowed anywhere except on the deck of an oil tanker or in the hold of an ammunition carrying ship.

The present.

Still hot and noisy.

The main propulsion is Diesel Electric. Highly powered generators, driving a large electric motor driving a short shaft attached to the propeller.


Electrical power is now supplied by high powered diesel generators which supply the main propulsion and other large items of machinery with megawatts of power at voltages of 3.3kV AC and above.

My last ship was fitted with Reverse osmosis plants to provide potable water. These rather taxed my brain in it’s dotage. I actually had to open two valves and press “Start” on the touchscreen. Then sneak off for a cup of tea elsewhere.

Boilers. Nah. Electric water heaters.

Control. (Not just temperature) Everything was controlled by a centralised computer system situated in the luxury of an air conditioned control room. If the ship needed to go forwards, a half brain dead deck officer, only had to push a small lever forward and the vessel would go in that direction.

Hours of work became more civilised with automated machinery spaces. The working hours became 8 – 5 for all except one duty engineer of the day, who is on call outwith the working hours. Alarm box in the cabin and a pager. The down side is that they clamped down on the bar hours.

The health and safety committee tells you are safe.

Smoking prohibited in most areas. Interestingly my last ship was an oil tanker and the only smoking area allowed was on a portion of the open deck bereft of lights at night.


If there are any marine engineers who disagree or agree with this article, please feel free to comment.

And anyone else. I’m an equal opportunities Blog.

Friday 5 December 2014

Wednesday 3 December 2014

Your holiday flight?


Britain’s airport capacity problem could finally be solved, if an experimental launch of an EasyJet airliner from HMS Prince of Wales proves a success.

Head of defence staff Nicholas Houghton insisted that commercial flights between aircraft carriers would allow runways to be moved if there were complaints, and save everyone the bother of having to drive to London.

“Aircraft carriers can adapt to changes in demand”, insisted Houghton. “You can sail one down to Gibraltar if anyone wants to visit there, or divert them to the Falklands if they fancy having a look at a penguin.”

The General pointed out that building ‘just a dozen or so’ new aircraft carriers would serve as a warning to rogue nations that armies of obnoxious tourists could be deployed anywhere in the world.

Using a modified launch ramp that can handle 300 passengers and up to 15 tonnes of duty-free, HMS Prince of Wales can now launch holiday makers with less than 40 seconds warning.

Houghton admitted that passengers would need to adapt slightly before they use the new facility.

“It’s a simple matter of taking the Queen’s shilling”, he explained. “We’re talking about less than 18 weeks basic training, learning how to hold your rum and then swimming a width wearing pyjamas”, he explained.

A spokesman from EasyJet pointed out that the mobility of aircraft carriers might occasionally mean a last-minute change in destination.

“If that happens we can arrange a transfer through our sister company, EasyPedalo”, said George Otway. “But at least you’ll have half a chance of arriving in the country you chose, which is a lot better than you’d get with Ryanair.”

Passengers on the first trial spoke of some difficulties, particularly as the location of their departure aircraft carrier was a closely guarded secret.

“We were flown out here on a rendition flight via Libya, and we’ve had nothing to do for 72 hours”, said one couple. “Our hand luggage has been stolen, there’s bullet holes in our suitcase and the scenery is just one depressing sea of grey. So overall, it’s about the same as flying out of Luton.”

Book now.

Tuesday 2 December 2014

You want a “smart” meter? Think again.

A well written website report about the shambles of the rollout by DECC.

A couple of choice paragraphs.

Last week the UK’s Department of Energy and Climate Change announced that the UK’s smart metering deployment was facing another 12 months delay.  That’s 18 months after they announced that the UK’s smart metering deployment was facing another 12 months’ delay.  This is not all bad news.  It means that the growing population of consultants within DECC can look forward to what is fast becoming a never-ending gravy train of consultancy work, public consultations and project reviews.  For the consumer it’s likely to mean even more unnecessary costs heaped onto future energy bills.  But not until after the next election, so nobody in Westminster really cares.

Despite the charade of one step forward, one step backwards, we still don’t know whether the deployment will have any practical value.  There is no EU mandate for it – individual countries need to show that smart metering is cost effective.  The first DECC survey showed it was not, but DECC mandarins then fudged the numbers (not my phrase, but that of an involved MP), since when they’ve spent a considerable amount of time and effort in concealing what’s behind their calculations.  The approach of “DECC knows best” has resulted in the most complex and expensive smart metering scheme in the world, which appears to be beyond the ability of both suppliers and utilities to deliver.

Read the whole post and weep.

Sunday 30 November 2014

Now and then.

Just thought I’d post about the differences in expectations and lifestyle from when I was brought up to the present day.I’m just going to post about household goods and not services.



freestanding cooker


coal fires.



valve radio.

Draughty windows and doors.



Telephone. Often a shared line with your neighbour..

Black and white television.

Unreliable car built by Ford that would rust to scrap in five years or less.



Range cooker.

Double sink with disposal unit.

Washing machine.

Fridge freezer.

Tumble drier.


Electric kettle.


Bathroom suite with shower

Vacuum cleaner.

Central heating.

Double glazing.


Mobile phones.

Computers and the internet.

42 inch colour TV and other smaller ones dotted around the household.

Game console.

Fitted carpets.

One or more cars.



Private aircraft.

Neither of these lists are extensive. I just thought that I’d show how much we have progressed in the last fifty years.

However we seem to have lost so much in the non materialistic side of things. I could go on at great length about how I miss the way of life in the past where manners were paramount and the individual looked after his own safety. However I’d be likely to bore you to tears, so I won’t.

Then again I might.



Wednesday 26 November 2014

I never want to……

hear or see the following:

“It’s for the sake of the Children”

“Lessons will be learnt”. (It should read: The fuckwit in charge, has been hanged sacked immediately).

No smoking.

“Drinkaware” on my booze. ( I’m perfectly aware how much I need to drink before I’m a gibbering wreck).

“It’s the right think to do”. (The head fuckwit politician’s favourite phrase).

“Darling, can you fix the……”(Enter disaster of your choice).

“Ring Ring” We’re just carrying out a short survey. (After twenty boring minutes you finally find out what they’re selling).

I could probably think of many more if I wanted to.

Please add your pet hates in the comments.

Monday 24 November 2014

How Much!

On Saturday I received a letter from HRMC telling me how much tax I’d paid in the year 2013 – 2014. The table is reproduced below. Naively I’d presumed that the largest proportion would have been spent on the NHS and defence of the realm. I was astounded to see the top item and the sum involved.

Now I’d always considered that welfare was a safety net to help those that had fallen on hard times.

I’d dearly love to have it broken down to where the £16.67/week that I pay is really going.


Which bloody, never had a job, doesn’t want one anyway, Chav, is getting my money. At the very least I expect a Christmas card.

Thursday 20 November 2014

Could you have found the wrong cause?

Antismokers of tobacco control.

If you look at the graph below you’ll note that as all the serious ailments attributed to smoking tobacco have gone up, smoking prevalence has fallen.

I would suggest that they have failed to find the real cause for those illnesses. The problem is that unless someone with some semblance of power questions the figures, more people will needlessly die.

Might they just look at the rise in diesel powered vehicles and wonder if there is any correlation?


Trends in smoking and health in the USA

This is a hand drawn pictorial representation using government data from CDC (Centres for Disease Control) and data from 'The American Cancer Society', 'The American Lung Association', and 'The American Lung Association'. It does not appear that smoking or smoke is 'causing' any of these things, but they all represent 'healthy' profit centres  for the pharmaceutical industry.

Tuesday 18 November 2014

They don’t muck around.

The Spanish navy that is……

The film is about how the Spanish navy weren’t going to put up with any shit from Greenpiss who were going to board an oil drilling ship.

The Spanish Defense Ministry has justified the actions of the country’s navy, which rammed into a Greenpeace boat, injuring activists. The ministry believes the Navy had no other choice as they were preventing an act of “piracy.”

The Navy “did what it had to do” to prevent the environmentalist group from committing a “crime of piracy,” the Defense Ministry told Europa Press on Monday.

And well done too. It might make them realise that they’re not all powerful, and can do what they want without consequences. They were warned.

The Navy argues the Greenpeace boats ignored several warnings urging them not to enter the so-called exclusion zone around the oil drilling ship, which extends for one maritime mile.

Monday 17 November 2014

Gullible non smokers.

It would seem that the younger generation (or at least some of them) have been brainwashed into thinking that only smokers get lung cancer. A typical example or two:

Tori Tomalia, a mother of three young children from Ann Arbor, Michigan, was diagnosed last year with stage IV lung cancer. She was only 37.

“I actually thought it was impossible for a nonsmoker to get lung cancer at my age,” she told NBC News.


Emily Bennett Taylor, a healthy athlete from Los Angeles, California, was even younger when she got her diagnosis at 28. Her doctors were also surprised and brushed off her chronic cough as asthma.

And of course this is the result:

Lung cancer is the top cancer killer of women, and some medical experts say that they are seeing more patients in their 20s and 30s, many of them nonsmokers. But because lung cancer carries the stigma of smoking, experts say it is often overlooked in non-smoking patients — and doesn’t get the kind of funding or support given to breast cancer and other big killers.

The problem now is that Politicians, Doctors, and the general public have been conditioned into believing that only smokers will die of lung cancer. This is proving disastrous for funding into the causes of lung cancer.

Doctors and and their patients say it’s the stigma associated with smoking that is hurting them most, impeding research and compromising good patient care.

According to the Washington, D.C.-based Lung Cancer Alliance, for every person who dies of breast cancer, $26,000 is spent on research funds, yet less than $1,500 is allocated for those who die of lung cancer.

It just shows how misinformation is killing thousands yearly who could have been saved and had a long and productive life.

You can read it all HERE.

Sunday 16 November 2014

Smoking bans

Smoking bans started creeping in long before 2007. When I first started in the world of work there were relatively no bans in force. Even in college you could smoke in the classrooms as long as you supplied your own ash tray.

When I joined my first ship, smoking was allowed any where, except if the vessel was an oil tanker or was carrying bulk ammunition. (Stands to reason. Big bangs hurt).

Then the mission creep started.

Ban in the engine room. Although trying to set light to marine diesel oil is difficult at the best of times.

Ban in duel occupancy offices became the norm.

Then no smoking in any offices.

Soon after, no smoking in internal alleyways.

No smoking in the Machinery Control or on the Bridge. Even though you had to be there for four hours at a stretch

No smoking in dining areas even when no food was being consumed.

No smoking in bars where food could be consumed. Bars sell crisps was the reason.

Finally. No smoking in cabins, even though your cabin was your home for four months.

Enough was enough.

I retired.

Saturday 15 November 2014

The English Pub


Rules of etiquette for foreigners who visit UK pubs.

These are, of course, renowned the world over as places to get to know the local people. To ensure a  pleasant evening's drinking, follow these tips:

Select your pub  carefully. The best pubs are those in the inner cities, around some of  the least salubrious housing. The people here cannot afford to go out, so pubs in these districts are full of upper-crust Englishmen who travel  here in their Bentley cars to get away from the hustle and bustle of country  pubs.

Mix with the locals. These "toffs" often put on a coarse accent after a glass or  two of beer; do not be intimidated, they are resting their throats after  talking "posh" all day. They will be glad to play Eton college word-games: "Get Up, That's My Seat", "You look a poof-to-me!"  and "Is-she-for sale?" Call out one of these games to any large chap, and have fun.

Order your drinks  carefully. Bartenders are notoriously dishonest (indeed, they are proud  of this tradition, and enjoy having their "leg pulled"). If you order a spirit drink, they will pour a little into your glass; insist  on it being topped up to the brim. When tasting your first sip of beer,  exclaim that there must be water in it. They will admire you for your candour, and will offer to buy you a drink "on the house". Pubs  that sell "real ale" are attempting to emulate Budweiser beer; let the landlord know where he is going wrong. He will be very grateful for advice from a foreigner.

"Darts"  is a common pub game. Your opponent will throw darts at the circular board  - your object is to pull them out faster than he can throw them. If you  see a game in progress, reserve your place by rubbing out all the numbers  on the blackboard.

It is common to  find pool tables in pubs. Beware, they are not playing to American rules! To join a game of pool already in progress, simply pick up one of the  cues provided, walk to the table, and quickly cue the black ball into the nearest pocket. You are now in the game. The object is to pot all  your balls as quickly as possible without disturbing the white. Don't  be disheartened if you miss a shot; quickly move on to the next. You score  extra points for "blocking" your opponent's attempts to shoot,  using your hands.

Remember that free snacks, such as crisps and peanuts, are kept behind the bar to retain freshness.  For goodness' sake, don't let them "rip you off" by demanding money!

At about 11 o'clock, it is traditional for the barpeople to call the game of "time",  leave their posts and wander around the pub, shouting at people. Do not  be alarmed - they may sound like they want you to leave, but in fact the reverse is the case. English pubs close after dawn, and the staff are shouting to stimulate drinkers to continue spending their money. The object of this game is to remain where you are! To ensure you don't get thirsty  during this period, buy a few rounds just before 11 o'clock (it's a slow time for the staff, so use this opportunity to chat). Drink slowly. You'll have ample opportunity to catch up when the barman returns to his post.

When you do leave  the pub, you are likely to find a small crowd of happy revellers outside, singing traditional songs as they await their chauffeurs. This is known  as "chucking-out time" The ladies in these crowds are sad and lonely; why not ask the male chaperones if their lady friends would like to come back to your hotel? Offer to make them very happy. The men will probably ask you to discuss the pedigree of their charges in the privacy of the pub car park.

Thursday 13 November 2014

Musical interlude with a touch of climate change.

Actually the earth hasn’t warmed for 18 years now. (Admitted reluctantly by the UK Met Office)

Tuesday 11 November 2014

Smoking ban (Part 2763)


I see the latest wheeze by the bansturbators in parliament is to ban “smoking in cars with children”.

They just can’t help themselves can they? However I fail to see how they can enforce a ban with so many loopholes in it. Here’s a couple.

What if the car has tinted windows like mine. How will they know if there are children in the car? Will they set up roadblocks?

How will they know if someone has actually smoked while the kiddies were in the car? The smell could have lingered from a previous journey?

Why is there a need for this anyway as:

‘Smoking in cars with children has been in decline for years. Today very few people do it because the overwhelming majority of smokers accept that it’s inconsiderate.’ (Simon Clarke from Forest).

I suspect that is the slippery slope to banning smoking elsewhere. If they can start banning it in your own private car, why stop there?

Ban it in peoples own homes will be next. Don’t believe me. just wait.

Monday 10 November 2014

My computer got into a state.

Solid state that is.

My last computer woes began with a failing conventional hard drive. So what did I do? I bought a 750 gigabyte solid state drive to replace the failing drive.

I was a fool.

Even though it had a three year manufacturer’s warranty.

The bloody thing lasted less than six months and died a sudden death taking most of my data with it.

The one bright side of the story is that I contacted the retailer, Amazon, by secure mail this morning and had a reply two hours later. They are sending a courier to collect it, and I should get a full refund in two or three days. Well done that company.

The new computer is now up and running even though I spent several days trying to set up Mrs FE’s Email account. I don’t know why I bother as she never reads her mail anyway.

Saturday 8 November 2014

Non PC


An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.​ ​ . . .

​​It seems a male caller dialled  999 from a mobile phone stating, . . ​ ​ "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."​​

​​Apparently "Remain calm and stay on the line“, was not considered to be an appropriate response.............!

Thursday 6 November 2014

I'm back.....


I've been laid low by some virus that thinks it should emulate Ebola. That's the good bit.

In the meantime my desktop decided to fry the hard drive and ended up with the blue screen of death.

However the worst part of the story is that I've now got to get to grips on my new desktop, with, wait for it, Windows 8.1.

Why does a company that has produced a reasonable product in windows 7, decide to throw the whole lot in the air and produce something that is really not fit for purpose?

hopefully I might have a decent post or two up in the next few days

Saturday 11 October 2014

Enter the Daily Mirror poll.

UKIP's five weirdest policies according to the Mirror.

And you’ll be pleased that they have a poll at the end. Below is a screenshot of the results so far.



Do go and vote. You know it makes sense.

PS. I know it’s cheating but if you delete cookies in your browser you can vote more than once. After all, if the nu-puritans can rig the dice why can’t the ordinary people do the same? Fair’s fair.

Thursday 9 October 2014

Tea anyone?

Yesterday my eldest daughter asked Mrs FE and myself if we would mind looking after her kids for the afternoon.

When we asked why, she replied that she was going out to tea with some friends.

Where I wondered?

the ritz2

Have a guess?

Tuesday 7 October 2014

That scary fairy.



What about that fat old man that climbs down the chimney and sneaks into your bedroom………….? What could he do with that stocking?

Saturday 4 October 2014

Saturday silliness


Outside line?




Corny old one.


I know their is a data protection act, but…..


Arse about face


Something about those planning regulations?


Oh go fork yourself






Speaks for itself


Very pointed


The kids can see you coming


Just for foreign cyclists




I’m not even going to bother


Carpet cleaner?




Just to ensure you have a pile of crap. Or to blame you wife for a wet toilet floor.