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Monday 31 December 2012


Happy new year from the FE. I hope you and your’s have a prosperous and happy year.

Raise your glass and…………………


Saturday 29 December 2012

Thursday 27 December 2012

The momentous event for my family this year.

The man in question in the Daily mail article below is my Son in law.

'He's the best present I've ever received': Man given 5% chance of becoming a father after battling testicular cancer twice celebrates his son's first Christmas

  • Huw Allanson, 26, lost a testicle and had several gruelling rounds of chemo after being diagnosed
  • Told he and fiance Lizi had just 5% chance of conceiving naturally due to poor quality sperm
  • But just a week before starting IVF, realised they had conceived naturally
  • Baby Ryan was born in April this year

Huw Lizi and Ryan

The full article is HERE if you want to have a read. It was momentous news to all of us in TFE household.

Tuesday 25 December 2012

Christmas day No drink left edition.

As usual your host got up at the crack of dawn to prepare for the day’s festivities (At least I think 8:15 is the crack of doom dawn). Mrs FE had beaten me to it by getting up at 6:30, and when I ventured down I found her in the kitchen muttering arcane spells of the like “20 minutes to the pound and another twenty minutes…………”, and playing with strange things that purported to be vegetables. Promptly left that area of my in expertise.

I was left to stick to what I know best. The alcohol. Arranging the bottles and glasses to be ready at hand for the guests before they arrive.

Done. All is in order.

Fast forward 10 hours.

White wine lake : Empty.

Rose wine lake : Severely depleted.

Brandy: Left orbit just after the Christmas pud was finished.

Beer/lager: Red flashing warning signs signifying imminent collapse of stocks.

However all is not lost. The Whisky I hid has not been found. Yet.

What I would like to know is how do seven people drink eight bottles of white wine (includes a Grannie aged 91)? And they’re still imbibing the rum, gin, vodka, and anything else they find in my drinks cabinet.

It defies the laws of physics I tell you. I blame it on the Higgs Boson.


Monday 24 December 2012

Have a merry Christmas


christmas tree

I will now. The presents are finally wrapped.

Friday 21 December 2012

Christmas carols.

This is what the Elf (Seasonal) and safety executive have to say about them.

“While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
The Angel of the Lord came down,
And Glory shone around.”

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health and Safety Regulations to insist the shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided. Therefore, benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to inclement weather they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras in centrally heated shepherd observation huts. The Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his/her Glory all around, the shepherds must be issued with glasses capable of filtering out any harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory lighting.

“Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,
Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load.”

The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also in the guidelines are permitted feeding breaks, and at least one rest break in a four-hour plodding period (A Tachograph must be fitted). Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary & Joseph are required to wear facemasks. The ‘Little Donkey’ has expressed his discomfort as being labelled ‘Little’ and would prefer to being simply referred to as ‘Mr Donkey’. Comments upon his height or otherwise are considered to be a breach of his equine rights.

“We three Kings of Orient are, Bearing gifts we traverse afar, Field and fountain, Moor and Mountain, Following yonder star. ”

Whilst the gift of Gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ‘Cash4Gold’ etc – gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are not appropriate due to the risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. An acceptable alternative might be a gift voucher. It is not recommended that traversing Kings should rely on star navigation, and would advise the use of AA Routefinder or Sat Nav. Both can provide the quickest route and advise on fuel consumption. As in the case of Mr Donkey, the three camels require regular rest and food breaks and facemasks for the three Kings are obligatory due to the likelihood of desert dust disturbed by the camel hooves.

“Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir, We will lend a coat of fur, We will rock you, rock you, rock you, We will rock you, rock you, rock you, ”

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants due to the risk of allergy and for ethical reasons. Therefore, false fur, a cellular blanket or, perhaps, micro-fleece material should be considered alternatives. Please note that, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records (CRB) bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock Baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before any rocking commences.

“Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh,
Over fields we go – laughing all the way.

A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to ride. The Risk Assessment should also consider whether the use of only one horse in appropriate – particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Permission from landowners must be gained before entering any ‘Open Fields’. To avoid offending those not participating in the venture, it is required that only ‘moderate’ laughter is used and not at a noise level likely to be of nuisance to others.

“Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows,
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names, They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. ”

You are advised that, under the Equal Opportunities Policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment upon the ruddiness of Mr R Reindeer. Name-calling contravenes our Anti-Bullying policy, and further to this, the exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from any reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against anyone found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented, leading to imposing sanctions such as a ban from hanging up stockings or enjoying Christmas dinner.

“Away in a manger – no crib for a bed … ”

Refer to Social Services immediately

Thursday 20 December 2012

Slave Labour at Christmas

Another public service message from TFE.

This must be shown to the Cheeeeeldren to stop this cruelty NOW.

(And to save me money).

Wednesday 19 December 2012

A prayer for the Christmas period

Being a religious normal person I felt I had to pray for you. Here is my offering. Kneel. (Or fall over in the gutter, if that is your preference).

beer prayer1

Dear drinks cupboard may ye be replenished by the Lord Tesco Home delivery tomorrow.

Forgive those that have trespassed. Namely Mrs FE, The Son and nearly me who have gone to bed tonight absolutely pissed out of our brains.


PS. We are all scheduled to die anyway according to to the Mayan calendar. So WTF.

Tuesday 18 December 2012

Shove this in your pipe and smoke it. You anti-smoking zealots.


Reproduced are the thoughts of a smoking doctor. I’ll give you a few paragraphs relating to why we are not dying of tobacco, and his reasoning.

I'm sick and tired of the anti-smoking culture that has taken over the entire world. I have had enough of hearing "don't smoke, it's bad for you!!" The ignorance that betrays such remarks is utterly abysmal, especially coming from people who should know better. So for all those who have asked me why do I actually smoke, I'm going to explain my reasons in this article.

I have found anti-smoking activists to be intolerant, judgmental Authoritarian Follower types. They believe and parrot emotionally charged catchphrases taken straight from government anti-smoking propaganda. Doctors and non-smokers alike are guilty of this. They feel righteous when providing such 'advice' yet fail to take notice of how ill they themselves look, and forget that, in many cases, their own health issues went downhill when they stopped smoking. Thanks to some pretty convoluted thinking, if they are some day diagnosed with a serious disease, they will later blame their 'smoking years', while overlooking the real culprits of today's modern diseases: junk diets high in carbohydrates and the industrial-scale toxicity that has choked our environment.

That’s pretty good for a start. But then he goes on to state what we might actually be dying from.

Yes, tobacco has its pollutants, but they are found in the water we drink, the air we breathe, in baby food, you name it, in even higher concentrations. A conservative estimate is that over 80,000 new chemicals have been introduced into society since the 1800s, only a few hundred of which have been tested for safety; this doesn't even take into consideration nanotechnology and GMOs, which are already pervasive in the food chain. According to the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, about 2.5 billion pounds of toxic chemicals are released annually by large industrial facilities. And the authorities are worried about a plant that produces the learning and memory-enhancing, natural chemical nicotine? It really is laughable. You see what mainstream education indoctrination does to your brain? You breathe thousands of chemicals every time you inhale air, whether you like it or not, and whether or not you are sitting next to a smoker.

Outdoor air contains some of the nastiest cocktails of pollutants. Most people tend to think of air pollution as having effects on the lungs, but exposure to road traffic and air pollution may also trigger heart attacks6. But people are right: air pollution does cause lung cancer. A much-anticipated government study of more than 12,000 miners has found that exposure to diesel engine exhaust significantly increases the risk of lung cancer. For NON-smokers, the risk was seven times higher. The authors of the study say "we also observed an interaction between smoking and 15-year lagged cumulative REC [marker for estimation of diesel exhaust exposure] such that the effect of each of these exposures was attenuated in the presence of high levels of the other.7" What does that mean? It means that research suggests that people who smoke are less vulnerable to the toxic effects of inhalation of diesel fumes than people who don't smoke.

Undoubtedly a breath of fresh air blowing away the fog of fear mongering by those who seek to ruin our simple pleasures in life.

The whole article can be read HERE. Well worth the read. 

Hat Tip to Grandad

Monday 17 December 2012

Minimum price for alcohol.

My son drove down to spend the Christmas period with us yesterday.

Against my better judgement, himself and Mrs TFE decided we should nip out to the pub for a drink or two. (TFE, never one to allow drink to escape his lips) I had to reluctantly agree to accompany them.

I have known that for some time that there has been such a thing as a beer duty escalator, but when I bought the first (and only) round, I realised that the pub had found some way of engineering the escalator to approach the speed of light.

I’d ordered two pints of bitter and a glass of Pinot Grigio and pulled out a tenner from my wallet, (The moths had left it alone thank God) and expected the damage to be around the £8 mark.

FFS, you could have knocked me down with a packet of pork scratchings. The till rang up £13.30 (They don’t actually ring up these days, just have a smug smirk).

I know that publicans have been hit by the smoking ban, but surely they’re not going to attract customers in, for that sort of price.

We just had the one drink and left. So Mr Publican, I can get absolutely bladdered on decent whisky at home for the same price. Why do I need you? Your business model is I think, fatally flawed.

Times are hard, therefore customers will adjust their drinking habits to suit.

PS. What about a smoking shelter?

Sunday 16 December 2012

Saturday 15 December 2012

The luck of the draw.

I seem to be getting the shitty end of the stick at the moment.

Three weeks ago I succumbed to a bout of Norovirus.

Ten days ago I came down with a bad bout of the flue. I’m just recovering now.

Two days ago I buggered my back. I keep moving around the house muttering Ouch Ouch.

What else can happen in the run up to Christmas?

Of course I may be saved from any more misery if the end of the world happens next Friday, as supposedly prophesied in the Mayan calendar.

Friday 14 December 2012

Letter to Santa. (Litigation version)

santa in bar

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,
* *

Dear Little Johnny,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
* *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the Naughty vs. Nice contract set by you, I might add I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Little Johnny
* *

Little Johnny,

While I have acknowledged you have met the nice criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and were gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

* *

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe.He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino pizza roll all over the carpet of your moms basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy
* *

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.

little Johnny
* *

Little Johnny,

That’s what I thought you little bastard.


Wednesday 12 December 2012

Tuesday 11 December 2012

Santa. Why he can’t exist, Kiddies.


From an Engineer’s perspective.

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th. of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting toilet stops or Starbuck breaks (Just to be topical), means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second,  3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a leisurely 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the flying reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them  Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance. This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion Joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vapourised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in a milli-second, would be subjected to  forces of 17,500 Gs. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Just saying. I tried this on my kids and they just produced formulae stating that due to quantum mechanics and string theory, my thesis was flawed. I’ve yet to be convinced.

My argument is “Why should kids in their thirties expect a stocking from me”?

Their reply:

“ Cos You’re my Dad”


Kind regards

The Filthy Scrooge Engineer

Monday 10 December 2012

It twas in the bleak midwinter

Well, early winter to be exact.

log fire

I live in an old house and over the last few years where we have suffered lower temperatures in the past (Global warming anyone?), I have always wondered why downstairs has a poor heat balance, even though I changed the positions of the radiators. The sitting room would be warm but the kitchen would be a tad chilly.

Over the last few years I’ve draught proofed just about everything in the house that could be draught proofed.

It wasn’t till I went to my daughters newly purchased house that I realised the elephant in the room. They had boarded up their fireplace.1

On getting home I held a sheet of the Guardian newspaper* against the fireplace opening and nearly had it ripped out of my grasp by the updraft. It’s a good thing I hadn’t given the job to an infant chimneysweep.

The upshot is that I bought a device like a balloon that you partially inflate, stuff it up the chimney and then fully inflate. It was noticeably different almost immediately. Everywhere is now warm quickly, with no draughts.

There was a couple of problems with the device, you need at least three hands to fit it and one more to hold the inflation tube.

You need to work how much partial inflation is required to begin with, otherwise it won’t go up the flue or it will fall out while you’re trying to blow it up to full pressure.

And you do need to check that it is not deflating, and pump up as required

However if we do get arctic conditions next week it will be removed, as there’s nothing better than sitting in front of a log fire.

* It was actually the Telegraph. The Guardian is only fit for emergency toilet paper.

1 And I call myself an engineer. 0/10 FAIL.

Christmas cheer

Christmas decorations.


I haven’t even thought about mine yet.

Sunday 9 December 2012

HTML for juniors.

As you can see my Grandson is engrossed in it.


Job opportunity.

job opportunity

Must have a skill that enables them to find and target TFE’s spammers.

Typical example:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Minimum pricing.":

Wow, incrеdiblе blog layout! How long have you beеn bloggіng for?
you made blogging look eаsy. Τhe overall looκ οf your web site is magnifіcent, as wеll as the сontеnt!
Visit my website -
  (Insert spammer of your choice)

Your mission if you wish to accept it. (Pays minimum wage).

Saturday 8 December 2012

Flight safety and Hobbits

Air New Zealand has a novel approach to safety on their aircraft. Sit back an enjoy a safe flight.

H/T Theo

Friday 7 December 2012

Bugger the Bankers

H/T to the Wasp's nest where I shamelessly purloined it.

Wednesday 5 December 2012


Will Greenies never learn? First they were told that DiHydrogen Monoxide was a deadly killer (Water to you and me), now they’re being led to believe that wearing a breathing mask filter will save the planet from their CO2 emissions.
“Every human being exhales about 2.5 pounds of CO2 per day and 7 billion people equals 14 billion(ish) pounds of CO2 daily that is exhaled. So this mask would filter CO2 from your breath. Which is kind of cool, because it would reduce your personal carbon footprint on the earth.”
Would you be willing to wear that for a few hours a day? While you sleep? How about your children? Pets?
Alas, science.

Makes you wonder about the gullibility of some people

Monday 3 December 2012

Those gracious days.

Those were the days when smoking was the norm.

Up to 70% of men smoked and a sizeable coterie of women did so also. Every home was littered with ashtrays, even those whose occupants didn’t partake of the pleasure. You only had to say “Do you mind if I smoke” and a plentiful supply of  ash trays would appear as if by magic. Even the bedroom was not out of bounds.

In those days smoking was permitted everywhere. Cinemas, buses (Top deck only), offices, pubs (Natch), trains, aircraft, & just about everywhere.

Then about twenty years ago the Nu puritans started to gain the ascendant. Slowly but surely they pushed the line that “Smoking kills”. Regardless of the fact that smokers knew the risks and accepted  as a fact of life, smokers might one day be struck down with lung cancer.

As the Nu puritans, showered with government money, became bolder, more and more diseases were added to the list of smoking related diseases. Cardiovascular, cancer of the Asoephegous (supply your own spelling if you’re a nosy nu puritan reading this post), gum disease, etc. Nothing was off limits to the nu puritans.

Slowly but surely the creep of prohibition set in. Bans on public transport, planes, etc. Then private offices were to have smoking rooms, etc. The evil of second-hand smoke

Of course the governments of the time, seeing their tax revenue falling, jumped on the band wagon of nu health, and vowed to save the nation by increasing tax on tobacco. This of course gave legitimacy  to the nu puritans, who have since redoubled their efforts to de-normalisation of the smoker.

So then they came for the pubs and clubs. The hysterical cry arose “We must save the bar people from dying of second hand smoke”, Of course they didn’t care that they would put thousands of staff out of work, many who smoked, and the rest, glad that they had employment. The government seemed to fail to understand that pubs are actually private premises. But then again when have you known an intelligent politician.

Of course the nu puritans have won the battles so far, but the hardcore  of us proud smokers will never give in. Unless the government bans tobacco completely (Do you think they will want to lose the £11.5 billion in tobacco revenue? If you do then find another planet to live on), then the nu puritans will have lost the war.

It’s a war of time and resolve. We can get through the display bans and plain packaging and though I may not see it in my life time we shall prevail.


You’re next fatties, drinkers, salt likers, etc ,etc,etc. The template is in place and now being used.


arnott v harbutt

Can you guess which one is the nu puritan?

Is it the ASHen faced one on the left or the comely wench on the right?

(The clue is in the text)

Saturday 1 December 2012

Minimum pricing.


A very good rant over at the The thing is on the iniquities of minimum pricing. Well worth the read.

Friday 30 November 2012

Oop north


as most of my readers know, I live in the sunny south of England. However I’m now visiting my son in the North of the country. on the way up, Mrs FE and myself were quite shocked at so many areas were underwater to some depth.

Today we visited that fine old city of York to do some early Christmas shopping in the St Nicholas Christmas market fair. It didn’t bode well from the beginning when we boarded the train from Darlington to York, and discovered it was packed to the Gunwhales (seafaring term for chockerblock), due to delays in the trains caused by the flooding.

On arriving in York we were met by icy cold winds and this blogger was quite happy to suggest to Mrs FE that she desperately needed to look in various shops for gifts. Just so he could retreat from the cold.

After some hours of shopping I think we were all glad to go back to my son’s house. But I was wondering if I would suffer the same fate as the day before.

On arrival at my son’s house on the,Thursday evening, the boy stated that the boiler wasn’t working as it had tipped out on low water pressure, and would i just top it up as he was going to make us tea.

Dead simple in practise. Not this bloody time. On opening it up a plastic fitting blew apart and ended up soaking yours truly with freezing water before I managed to close the valve. The plastic fitting was resecured but the next problem was that the endlessly butchered valve was found to be impossible to open.

Now by this time FE is not only cold but also wet and thought it imperative that we source a new valve from the local DIY superstore. And this we did. Having arrived back at the son’s place, fitted the new valve, shivering by now, I instructed my son to switch on the boiler.


Now most people would be reaching for the phone by now, but fortunately this problem is known and can be easily rectified. The problem is a sticky air flap valve. Solution is to break out the hairdryer strategically kept under the stairs and aim it for a few minutes at the offending area of the boiler. boiler will roar into life. Prayers of thanks my now be said.

The moral of this rambling post (fuelled by the famous grouse cheaper whisky, is that modern houses cannot exist without central heating as they usually have no means of heating without it.

So at least those of you who don’t have a fireplace go out and buy yourself a fan heater or two. especially as most pundits are predicting a cold winter this year.

Where’s that bloody Global Warming got to?

Wednesday 28 November 2012

Bloody windows. AGAIN!!!

Some while ago I regaled you with problems involving windows seven on my laptop. This story is an even worse state of affairs. My desktop that I usually use has a 64 bit operating system, supposedly better and faster.


Yesterday it refused to connect to the internet. It recognised my router but decided that it would fail to go any further.

After a search on the laptop, which is 32 bit system, and had no problem connecting, the hunt for a solution begun.

In the end I ended up on a windows seven forum and that’s where the fun and games begun. Apparently it is a well known problem with the 64 bit system in windows 7. The services used to enable the computer to enable the internet somehow become switched off or disabled.

When you enter the services area of the computer you’re given a list of about 200 services of which 2 are major players in internet connection.

At first you think that just to set them to auto, shut  down the computer, reset, and bob’s your uncle.

No not so simple. each of the services has to rely on being connected to other services or the system will not work.

As it’s the Christmas season coming up. This is the analogy.

Imagine that you have a large christmas tree with 200 lights. Imagine that every light has to connect with five others in a seemingly random order before the lights will illuminate. I was the man connecting them today.

However after all day, and pages of scribblings the desktop is now communicating.

And No, system restore didn’t work.

Time to find another operating system. 

Monday 26 November 2012

Why we’re in the mess we are.

We’re in the age of the Zealots.

When I changed my computer a while ago I lost a lot of my bookmarks of the websites I enjoyed. I’m glad that I’ve rediscovered one, well worth a read.

John Brignell explains why the country is heading downwards at an ever increasing rate.

Imagine telling somebody twenty years ago that by 2007, it would be illegal to smoke in a pub or bus shelter or your own vehicle or that there would be £80 fines for dropping cigarette butts, or that the words "tequila slammer" would be illegal or the government would mandate what angle a drinker's head in an advertisement may be tipped at, or that it would be illegal to criticise religions or homosexuality, or rewire your own house, or that having sex after a few drinks would be classed as rape or that the State would be confiscating children for being overweight. Imagine telling them the government would be contemplating ration cards for fuel and even foods, that every citizen would be required to carry an ID card filled with private information which could be withdrawn at the state's whim. They'd have thought you a paranoid loon.

And that’s just a taster to the rest of the post.

His post covers all the usual manufactured scare stories. Smoking, drinking, salt, obesity, and you name it.

So do give a look at it.

March of the zealots

Sunday 25 November 2012

Hamas explained

Pat Condell explains why talking to Hamas is a complete, utter, waste of time.

Saturday 24 November 2012

So if you vote UKIP you're racist

It would appear that in Rotherham you are.

Foster parents 'stigmatised and slandered’ for being members of Ukip

A couple had their three foster children taken away by a council on the grounds that their membership of the UK Independence Party meant that they supported “racist” policies.

Just listen to the head of childrens' services try to weasel here way out of the controversy 



FIFTY SHADES OF ................

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........ mosquito!

And you thought this was going to be smutty did you?

Friday 23 November 2012

An Electric car

Whilst searching on line for car insurance, the comparison web site I was using, advised me that I should have my driving licence handy. (I've absolutely no idea why, as I was never asked about anything on it).

This morning I picked it up to put it away, and idly opened it up and looked to see what I could legally drive. Car,yes. motorbike, yes. Moped, yes. And that's it.

So even if I wished to drive an electric car, I would in fact be breaking the law! And no I'm never going to want to buy one of those useless pieces of green junk.

Alright my licence was obtained many, many years ago, and the wording on new ones may be different. But are they? You tell me.

It’s a dirty little secret that climatologists definitely don’t want you to know.

Just to start the ball rolling on my behalf. Here is a statement:

Firstly:            Scientists aren’t Climatologists.

Secondly:        Climatologists aren’t Scientists.

Of course I’m neither. I’m an engineer. Which personally gives me a better balance than either of these two premises.

Scientists come up with theories and climatologists refer to models.

As an engineer I distrust both of them. (I’m being balanced here). As a Marine Engineer I can’t trust either. I deal in fact. If a scientist were to tell me  theoretically, that the engine standing next to us, that I was going to start,  would give me twice the power, I would tactfully suggest HE presses that start button. (FE would head for his lifeboat).

The same would be if I was told “that models suggest”, I would exit stage left just as quickly.

In my trade, denigrated as we are, I want hard fact not supposition.

Now I’ve got that of my chest, have a read of why a satellite, monitoring solar irradiance is a cause for concern.  

The problem with TSI

And the science is settled? It’s an interesting read.

Thursday 22 November 2012


How can the civilised world condone this sort of religious bigotry?

The answer is that it isn’t a religion, it is a 7th century ideology akin to the beliefs of the Nazis. This is an ideology that brooks no opposition. Anyone that doesn’t agree with this primitive mind-set is fair game to be killed.

And these people expect us to help them. Sheesh!

Wednesday 21 November 2012

You think I’m stupid?


Today was the day my renewal notice for my car insurance tumbled through the letter box and onto the mat. With bated breath I ripped open the envelope to get to the heart of “What are they going to try and con me into paying this time”?

£33 pounds more to be exact, is the figure. That’s 8% higher than last year. I would consider that figure to be unjustifiable as inflation at the most is 4% (Depending what index you use. RPI or CPI). and my car’s value has depreciated since last year.

So quick as a flash I logged into a price comparison website to see what insurance there was available for my trusty vehicle.

The only trouble with those sites is minutiae of detail they need for some reason. Why for instance do they need to know whether I’m married, homeowner, have children, or the names of my cats. (Alright I made the last one up).

Any way the upshot of all this bollocks was that eventually I found a policy that matched my needs. And of course it was lower than the quoted new premium by my present insurer. 11.5% less to be nearly exact. That’s less than I’m paying now.

Oh and do read the back of the renewal notice. My present insurer had quietly added into the policy that they were increasing the excess by a whopping £300.

I was nearly caught out a couple of years ago when the insurance company renewal notice gave me the renewal cost in bold on the front, but had hidden on the back the insurance tax and VAT.

Sunday 18 November 2012

Oh dear.

Received this morning

Dear Mr FE,

Your Facebook account was recently logged into from a computer, mobile device or other location (Atlanta, Georgia, USA to be exact) you've never used before. For your protection, we've temporarily locked your account until you can review this activity and make sure no one is using your account without your permission.

Did you log into Facebook from a new device or an unusual location?
- If this was not you, please log into Facebook from your computer and follow the instructions provided to help you control your account information.
- If this was you, there's no need to worry. Simply log into Facebook again to get back into your account.

For more information, visit our Help Center here:
Facebook Security Team

I’m delighted that someone would want to read the rubbish I write on farcebook.

Saturday 17 November 2012


Think of this guy if you're having a "bad day".

There I was, just flying along, enjoying the flight At 20,000 Ft., Minding my own business,_____


And what's so cool is they actually pay me to do this!


Hmmm... What's that strange sound? Something feels different!


Hey, why am I looking up?


Whoa here......... What the .......?? Controls aren't working.


Time for a mirror check... Hey, where's the rest of my F-15?


Uh oh, it's over there... I think I've got a definite 'Aw,
sh*t' going on here.


I gotta wonder, am I the first guy to ever experience a
'cockpit-airframe separation anxiety attack'??



OK, now it's my turn. I'm gonna be gone - soon as I find
that frickin' lower handle.


I’m gone !!!!!!

This 'incident' caused the USAF to ground its fleet of F-15's.

How about the guy who took these pictures? Just when it looks
like it's going to be just another 'average day at the office'..!

What caused the mid air break up?

The main "longeron" (stringer) behind the cockpit failed due
to corrosion.

Talk about being in the right place at the right time
(the photographer)...or the wrong place at the wrong
time (the pilot).....
For sale, one Air Force flight suit; slightly soiled!

Friday 16 November 2012

An article with a purpose

The Daily Mail has a major article on the Levenson enquiry today and at last has brought into the open a shadow organisation called Common Purpose. Several bloggers have written about this and have been decried as Tinfoil  hatters, nutjobs etc.

I have written about this left wing group that has slithered into every organisation to influence the way the government and industry is run.

Here is some vids for background that I posted in 2009.

And an explanation of their purpose in life.

Common Purpose (CP) is a Charity, based in Great Britain, which creates ‘Future Leaders’ of society. CP selects individuals and ‘trains’ them to learn how society works, who 'pulls the levers of power' and how CP ‘graduates’ can use this knowledge to lead 'Outside Authority’.

Children, teenagers and adults have their prejudices removed. Graduates are ‘empowered’ to become ‘Leaders’ and work in ‘partnership’ with other CP graduates. CP claims to have trained some 30,000 adult graduates in UK and changed the lives of some 80,000 people, including schoolchildren and young people.

But evidence shows that Common Purpose is rather more than a Charity ‘empowering' people and communities’. In fact, CP is an elitest pro-EU political organisation helping to replace democracy in UK, and worldwide, with CP chosen ‘elite’ leaders. In truth, their hidden networks and political objectives are undermining and destroying our democratic society and are threatening ‘free will’ in adults, teenagers and children. Their work is funded by public money and big business, including international banks.

Amazing that the MSM has only discovered CP so recently. What do they do all day?

Ambulance chasers

Just thought it was topical.

Thursday 15 November 2012

Should we go the Dutch Way ? ----------


The Netherlands , where six per cent of the population is now Muslim, is scrapping multiculturalism:
The Dutch government says it will abandon the long-standing model of multiculturalism that has encouraged Muslim immigrants to create a parallel society within the Netherlands .
A new integration bill, which Dutch Interior Minister Piet Hein Donner presented to parliament on June 16, reads:

"The government shares the social dissatisfaction over the multicultural society model and plans to shift priority to the values of the Dutch people. In the new integration system, the values of the Dutch society play a central role. With this change, the government steps away from the model of a multicultural society.

The letter continues:

"A more obligatory integration is justified because the government also demands that from its own citizens. It is necessary because otherwise the society gradually grows apart and eventually no one feels at home anymore in the Netherlands ...

The new integration policy will place more demands on immigrants. For example, immigrants will be required to learn the Dutch language, and the government will take a tougher approach to immigrants who ignore Dutch values or disobey Dutch law.

The government will also stop offering special subsidies for Muslim immigrants because, according to Donner;

"It is not the government's job to integrate immigrants." (How bloody true).

The government will introduce new legislation that outlaws forced marriages and will also impose tougher measures against Muslim immigrants who lower their chances of employment by the way they dress.

More specifically, the government will impose a ban on face-covering, Islamic burqas as of January 1, 2013.(Why wait 15 months?)

Holland has done that whole liberal thing, and realised -

maybe too late - that creating a nation of tribes will kill the nation itself.

Muslim immigrants leave their countries of birth because of civil and political unrest CREATED BY THE VERY NATURE OF THEIR CULTURE.

Countries like Holland and Australia have an established way of life that actually works, so why embrace the unworkable?

If Muslims do not wish to accept another culture, the answer is simple;


This gives a whole new meaning to the term; 'Dutch Courage'

Wednesday 14 November 2012


It would appear that the BBC seem to want to cover up almost everything they do.

The latest is about a climate change seminar that was held to discuss reporting Anthropogenic Global warming (AGW) as it was called back then in 2006.

One interested blogger, by the name of Tony Newbery, who runs the Harmless Sky blog, happened to read a BBC report called From Seesaw to Wagon Wheel. What he found on page 40 was this:

The BBC has held a high-level seminar with some of the best scientific experts, and has come to the view that the weight of evidence no longer justifies equal space being given to the opponents of the consensus [on anthropogenic climate change].

So Tony decided to put in a request under the FOIA to find out who attended the seminar.

However he ran into a stone wall as the BBC fought tooth and nail to stop him from finding out who had attended the seminar. eventually he lost at the tribunal stage.

But this is not the end of the story.

Another Blogger Maurizio Morabito had spent countless hours searching the Internet Wayback machine and found the list. This list is now published on his blog.

There are some interesting participants who have a stake in promoting AGW:

I’m not sure why this man is there.

Jon Plowman, Head of Comedy

Maybe he was there to entertain over lunch or something.

As far as I can see there is only one true sceptic on the list. The majority have a stake in AGW promotion.

Tuesday 13 November 2012

Breaking news!

Two more have come forward to say their backsides were tampered with by a dead BBC TV star!






sooty and sweep

Sooty and Sweep say the abuse went on, with the full knowledge of BBC Management for years!

Another scurrilous rumour I suspect.

Monday 12 November 2012

Politically correct clothing?

This notice was brought to my attention about a clothing manufacturer that I’ve never heard of.

The notice below is an appeasement notice, I would suspect is to placate those who worship the religion of peace.


My apologies to BooHoo that I’ve linked to, but surely you’re not going to get many religion of peace customers anyway, by selling this.

If I can find a shop near me I shall buy Mrs FE a Christmas present, whilst munching on a bacon sarnie.

In fact I won’t. I’ll buy from somewhere that has a non ethical policy and revels in common sense.

Go forth into oblivion.

Sunday 11 November 2012

Oh no it’s my niece again.

Happy days. The sleep depravation demon has turned up again.

Gustave_Dore_Inferno34 (1)

This time she wants me to take her to Gatwick again. Her flight leaves at 0610 on Monday morning heading for Amsterdam. That means that I’ll have to be up at about 0300 so that I get my cup of tea and 10 cigarettes consumed before we set off.

She was quite sneaky this time. Instead of turning up tonight she arrived yesterday to get the drop on me. Since then she has worked her way through my White wine, Beer,  Red wine, and now she’s on my Mount Gay rum. (The single malt is hidden in the garden).

Apart from the early start tomorrow I’ve got my eldest daughter coming over mid morning to discuss financial details of our family holiday next year. I’m sure they have colluded together so that this groggy blogger is talked into paying more than he needs.

I’m starting to think that I need to rent a permanent parking space at Gatshit as I seem to spend an inordinate time there. Thursday I’ll be there picking up my younger daughter and family at midnight, and Saturday picking up the Spawn of Satan from her return trip.

If there are no posts from me Tomorrow, then I’m probably dead. 

Saturday 10 November 2012

Friday 9 November 2012

Thursday 8 November 2012

He’s cwoss.

This is vid of an interview this morning concerning our Tosspot Prime Minister who’s upset that the names of paedophile (Living or dead) tory MPs, are being touted on the internet. I feel that he's more upset, that he's  been let down by his so called advisors, than who's on the list.
I personally think that the man is shallow and is only interested in looking good. It is about time that someone told him the truth.

Tuesday 6 November 2012

My Mum

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I’ve just finished cleaning.'

2 My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7 My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I’ve told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out
just like you '

Monday 5 November 2012

Undercover Liaisons?

After the Bonfire night party on saturday some strange items revealed themselves.

Now your host has his favourite armchair but had to give it up to the guests in the interest of being a gracious host. So the following is not mine.

On Sunday afternoon whilst sitting in the said armchair I felt coins starting to slide out of my right hand trouser pocket. Quick as a flash with a reflex action my hand shot out (years of training in preventing beer glasses sliding off bars on ships stood me in good stead), and reached down beside the cushion.

The horror. On withdrawing my hand I discovered a freshly worn pair of tights! Now I’m the only person who normally sits in that chair and I know they’re not mine, (Wrong colour) so who’s were they and how did they get there? I was the last person to leave the room the evening before. Maybe a mouse had found them and decided to make a nest for the winter. I then forgot about it.

However the plot thickens.

This morning after visiting my local shop to buy the paper and support the government with their tax revenue by buying my daily dose of cancer sticks, I found another disturbing item.

After returning home after negotiating a tortuous route as usual to avoid Attila the Hen (The school crossing lady), and negotiating the complexity of FE towers security system, I went to hang up my coat.

Quelle Horreur .

My coat hangs on the lefthand hook of a bank of four. However out of the corner of my eye I noticed something strange about hook number four.


After inspecting them my mind began to race (First time for years, believe you me), what debauchery has been going on in my home?

Your mission if you wish to accept it is to decide who the perpetrator of these atrocities could be?

Could it be:

Mrs FE

My Brother-in-law (Is he a secret transvestite?)

Me (Actually don’t go there)

Eldest daughter

Youngest daughter


Policewoman’s mum

Female friend from around the corner.

My son (Oh god No…….)

Mother in law. ( 66-1 against. You try to get your knickers off unseen whilst using a zimmer frame).

My two son in laws (Oh god No…….again).

The blond, busty policewoman, who’s last words to my eldest daughter were “Your father’s amazing”.


It’s over to you now.

Sunday 4 November 2012

Busy Busy

This weekend I’ve been busy preparing and hosting an after fireworks party on Saturday night. All went well and of course I’m now broke due to the drink consumed. (Bastards).

Today was also busy as we were celebrating my Mother In Law’s 91st birthday (Bless her).

I’m here imbibing from my secret reserve stash of whisky. I could write about something of great interest, or just amuse myself with a joke. The joke wins.

A magician was working on a cruise ship.
Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day...  And then 2 days.  And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"

Friday 2 November 2012

Thursday 1 November 2012



I’m not sure how many of you have seen the shit film by Josh Fox (This link leads to the Wikipedia entry about him. I wouldn’t give him the oxygen of publicity by linking to his film. If you want to go there, that’s up to you)  purporting to show, how drilling for shale gas is allowing gas to rise into the drinking water aquifers.

The video below shows the real story of how Fracking for gas is not the demon it was portrayed by the ecomentalist loons.

Her story:

Flammable faucets. Top-secret chemicals. Sick livestock. Ominous voice-overs. Grainy video. And that banjo … that incessant banjo.

Shelly had seen and heard enough.

Is hydraulic fracturing — one of many key processes used to produce America’s enormous reserves of natural gas — as unsafe and environmentally ruinous as some have said? The way Gasland director Josh Fox tried so hard to portray it on HBO?

Shelly certainly had a stake in the answer. A teacher by trade from rural northeast Pennsylvania, Shelly lives with her husband, four children and granddaughter on a farm that’s been part of her husband’s family since 1890. Of course, that farm also happens to sit atop the Marcellus Shale, one of the largest natural gas fields in the world. If accessing those resources wasn’t safe, she thought, then neither was her family. She owed it to them — and to herself — to find out the truth. After all, wells were being considered for her property.

Dispatches from the Real Gasland

If only our government would step back and see how dire our energy requirements are going to become in the next few years and realise that Fracking for gas and oil may just help bring about the saving of our economy.

I’ve posted this before. We just need to get a move on.

Hidden logos



Do you see the arrow between the 'E' and 'x'?
I had never noticed this before.


Probably the world’s most famous bike race..
The 'R' in 'Tour' is a cyclist and yellow circle front wheel of bicycle.


Arrow probably means Amazon has everything from A to Z!


There is a bear if you look closely at image of Matterhorn.
Toblerone chocolate bars originated in Berne, Switzerland, whose symbol is the bear.


See the gorilla and lioness?

A bus station is where a bus stops..
railway station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........*

*Nothing to do with the above Logos whatsoever

Wednesday 31 October 2012

Trick or a treat

This is what I’m putting on the outside of my front door tonight.

trick or treat

And this is what I shall put on the inside.


I’ll have to try not to look at the bottom one.

Tuesday 30 October 2012

Are you sitting comfortably?

Then I’ll begin.

The other day I was in my daughter’s car with her driving and my one year old grandson in the back. After much general small talk the conversation turned to their upcoming holiday in the Canaries. The only part that my daughter expressed concern about was having her son on her lap for up to seven hours.

At that I remarked lighheartedly that they shouldn’t be so tight and should have bought a seat for their son. I was wrong. Apparently airlines do not allow children of his age to have a seat of their own. For safety reasons.

This struck me as very odd. If my daughter was to ride in my car with her son sitting on her lap we would most likely be prosecuted for child abuse/ reckless endangerment/ or attempted murder of a minor, etc.(Pick crime of your choice). We’d probably end up in a maximum security prison in this strange day and age.n E

Of course my daughter would do any such thing as she has a state of the art car seat which fits all modern cars. All modern cars have an Isofix system specifically design for the quick and secure fitting of these seats.

My point is that as parents of a child this age will be taking their car seat/ push chair with them to their holiday resort. Why the fuck aren’t the aircraft seats fitted with Isofix?

Too expensive? No. Especially if I was a budget airline owner I could coin in the cash.

Just insist, in the interest of safety, all children would have to be seated in an isofix seat. Of course you would still have to pay for the airline seat. They could also rent out the isofix seat to you for a huge small fee.

After all if the PTB consider it dangerous for a child not to be suitably restrained in a car at 30 Mph, then surely it makes sense that a child should be suitably restrained in an aircraft doing 500 Mph.

PS Ryanair and Easyjet. This is my idea. Gimmee ten percent of the profit you make.