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Friday 3 June 2011

Computer support

cat and keyboard

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a  distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the  flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as  Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs  such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer
runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to  fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed, Desperate
...................................................
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband  is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved  Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as  designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery  and Flowers, but remember, overuse of the above application can cause  Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very  bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the  background that will eventually seize control of all your system  resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are  unsupported applications and will crash Husband.
In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and  cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running  one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to  improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.


Good Luck,
Tech Support

Mobile Phones. Ban them now!

The boy was leaving his work yesterday where he works as an industrial chemist, and as he usually does, he uses his phone on the way to the car to phone his sister. (Very occasionally he calls his father. That’s me)

Halfway through his telephone call he hears a loud bang from behind him and presumes it is the building safety valve lifting. He carries on with his phone call.

Finally conversation exhausted, he jumps in the car to drive home only to discover on rounding the corner of the building that the he heard noise wasn’t a safety valve at all.

He is presented with a slight problem. The way is blocked by the rubble of the building next door that has blown up!

Needless to say he was late for his evening meal.

Apparently the town was still blanketed by a chemical miasma this morning.

Friday Night at the Opera

Dear David.

Mr Cameron. This is why your big society won’t work.

A MASSIVE village litter pick has been binned after organisers were swamped by red tape.

The planned community event to celebrate World Environment Day in Otford was scuppered by health and safety issues.

Villagers were lined up to clean the recreation ground on Sunday, but their plans were cut short after the parish council's insurance providers, AON Corporation, insisted every participant would need a high-visibility jacket, protective gloves and a litter-picking claw.

What I can’t understand is that it’s in the recreation ground, so why are Hi vis  jackets required?

And why the need for this?

They also insisted that among the volunteers one should be a trained first aider with a mobile phone in case of emergency.

Does this mean that the lone early morning dog walker will have to have first aid training?

And the usual claptrap from the Righteous.

A spokesman for AON said: "The list of requirements for an event of this nature is extensive but necessary.

"It is for the safety of participants that we make these requests, however stringent they may be, and therefore they must be adhered to."

Now if I’d been the villagers I would have gone ahead anyway. I’ve not heard yet that there is an offence  of “Illegal litter picking”, or “Failure to display a high visibility jacket”

I might be wrong.

Fact or Fiction

I really don’t know. This was an open letter posted on the Internet a few days ago, and since been taken down.

 

BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT and the RONAN PARKE CONNECTION
For reasons which will become obvious, I can't reveal my full identity. But let me just say that, I am an executive with Sony Music UK with many years experience in music mangement. My work involves close liasion with Simon Cowell's SYCO company (specifically SYCO Music and SYCO TV) and, as a result, I have seen what goes on from the inside and this has left me increasingly uncomfortable about the integrity of Britain's Got Talent and particularly the workings of SYCO.
It's long been known that there is a quite a degree of "fixing" in BGT. ( Daily Mail http://bit.ly/fxkWne ) But press reports on "fixing" are only the tip pf the iceberg when it comes to SYCO's manipulation of, not only the show and the contestants, but also the viewing public and hopefully, in this email, I can shine some light on the smoke and mirrors trickery of SYCO.

Take BGT 2011 for example. Scouts working for SYCO first saw Ronan Parke (the 12 year old singer) some two years ago when he was just 10 and was singing at a birthday party for former Norwich City goal-keeper, Bryan Gunn. Following that, Ronan was privately auditioned by SYCO scouts on two more occasions and, as is usual practice on BGT, he was "invited" to audition for the show as a "preferred" contestant. At the same time, Ronan and his parents were "required" to enter into a contract with SYCO. Like all SYCO contracts, it is heavily weighted in favour of the label and are notoriously bad, even in the cut-throat world of the music industry. Simon effectively signed Ronan for life and he's got little or no chance of ever getting out of it...unless Simon decides to terminate. Recording contracts are legally extremely complex and usually require input and advice from very expensive, specialist contract lawyers. SYCO knows that such legal advice goes well beyond the means of most contestants. As one senior SYCO executive said to me recently. "These people are mugs. They'll sign away their own mother just to get on tv. It's a fucking turkey-shoot and then we own their arses!"

As is common for "invited" contestants that SYCO likes and have already signed, Ronan and his parents were provided with a car to drive them to the audition in London. These "invited" contestants don't have to queue up with everyone else, they don't go through the preliminary auditions with producers, but perform straight to Simon and the judging panel at a prearranged time-slot. And so it was for Ronan back in 2009 when he was just 10.
It was at this initial audition that I first met Ronan and he looked very different back then. He was a skinny, 10 year old lad who, even at that time, was a bit effeminate. His voice needed a bit of working on, but that wouldn't be a problem.
Unfortunately, nerves got the better of Ronan and he was unable to perform. Simon however, had already seen the audition tapes from the scouts and took Ronan into an unused dressing room and got him to sing in there with his mum for support.

Clearly Ronan was not going to be part of BGT in 2009 and nothing from this was ever televised.
Ordinarily, you would think that would be the end of things, but with Ronan already signed to SYCO, far from it. This was just the start of a two year grooming and manipulation process to prepare Ronan for stardom.
It's no big secret that Simon has been looking for an artist who could crack the very lucrative pre-teen market for some time, particularly in the US. If you like, he wanted his own rival to Bieber and, taking a leaf out of how professional football academies develop youngersters to feed their main team, Simon wanted his own singing academy and Ronan was just one of a number of identified youngsters, with whom SYCO intensively works with.

A development package, which included professional singing, dancing and stage-craft tuition was arranged for Ronan and the SYCO machine kicked into gear with the view of Ronan entering BGT 2010. Lots of work had been done with Ronan and his voice was much improved, unfortunately nerves were still a major issue for him and it was decided by SYCO not to enter him into the 2010 series. At a following senior exec meeting at SYCO it was suggested that Ronan be dropped, but with Simon confident that he could be the kid he had been looking for, it was agreed that Ronan would receive "intensive support and input" to ready him for the 2011 series. Although Ronan's voice was now stunning, there were other major problems to be dealt with in order to sell him to the public. With respect to Ronan, he was nothing more than a cooky-looking, skinny runt of a kid and this was identified as a major handicap to sales.
It was agreed at a high-level, secret SYCO meeting, that if they were to do anything with Ronan, he needed totally restyling from the toes up. And so with time running out to develop Ronan into the star Simon wanted, SYCO went into overdrive.

Ronan was even given speech and elocution training to rid him of his rural Norfolk accent, again in preparation for the potential US market. As for his effeminate and girlishness, this posed a bigger problem and resulted in many highly confidential meetings. At one of these meetings, the unthinkable was raised as a way forward....

Until now Ronan had been encouraged to "boy-up" and it was planned to present Ronan as an everyday skater-boy. But with his girliness still showing through, the image just wasn't believable. So a decision was taken to encourage and allow Ronan to "release" and enhance his campness . Disgustingly, SYCO planned to sexualise him. They were well aware of course, that if they sexualised a young girl to look sexually older than she is, all hell would let loose. But with Ronan, as one executive put it, "no one has ever seen a 'gay' kid before, it'll be a novelty." As for the pre-teen market, it was accepted they wouldn't care if Ronan appeared gay or not...most probably don't know what gay is anyway. And so, with a total gaysexualisation of Ronan secretly planned, SYCO got to work. I should stress, Ronan's parents were not aware of any of this and were never consulted about Ronan's development or management. When I first met Ronan he was a bit effeminate in his ways, but nothing like the camp, girlie-giggling kid you see now on BGT and this is a direct result of SYCO's styling. Even his clothing worn at the audition and live semi-final were chosen for him by SYCO to match his new image.

SYCO took over everything to do with Ronan. His hairstyle, his clothes, his poise, giving tv interviews, you name it, Ronan was styled within an inch of his life and all on the promise of stardom, just as long as he worked hard and listened to his mentors. As for Ronan's parents they were constantly reassured that Simon was personally looking after Ronan and "it's all good".

And so to BGT 2011. With Ronan ready to be unveiled, SYCO bosses, under instructions from Simon did something not done in previous series of BGT; the winner of BGT 2011 was decided long before the first auditions took place and that winner HAD to be Ronan Parke. With Ronan now 12, he looked and sounded just as SYCO had planned, but time was running out. Soon Ronan would be going into puberty and his voice would eventually break, so BGT 2011 had to be the vehicle to launch Ronan's career; another year and as a singer he would probably be beyond any meaningful career and the opportunity will have been missed. With all this investment in Ronan, the production managers at SYCO TV are ready to deliver Ronan as ordered. Again, I need to stress, Ronan and his parents know nothing of this and have no idea Ronan will win BGT this weekend.

So far in the history of BGT and X-Factor, for that matter, no one has ever won who has not been an "invited or preferred" contestant, and it does sadden me that, all those thousands of people, lining up outside, often in the rain and cold, are basically wasting their time. The producers of BGT are not looking for the talented people, they aready have those. The reality is that the producers are hunting out oddities, freaks and, I'm ashamed to say, mentally ill people, to act as amusing fillers in the audition shows. They are nothing more than unpaid extras and they don't even qualify for traveling expenses!
It's quite disgusting and shameful really, how the production team on BGT operate. People come from all over the country, often at great personal expense, because they think BGT is a talent competition and they stand a chance of realising their dreams. I can tell you from the inside that BGT is no more a "competition", than I am an astronaut. Nothing is left to chance on BGT, everything is micro-managed, choreographed, manipulated and planned down to the last detail including, the telephone voting. The ability to manipulate viewers opinion is vital if you are to control telephone voting and indeed get the required result.

SYCO see this as essential to the success of the show and are very open about fact; planning and delivering live shows of quality is impossible if it was purely left to the public vote. As Simon said in a meeting once. "The public NEED to be told who to vote for." Everything on BGT is geared towards telling you who you should for, particularly on the production side. It's an art really, which Simon has honed to perfection and SYCO are now world leaders at.
The micro-management of Ronan's audition performance was incredible. I was really quite shocked at his new image. From a starting point of wanting Ronan to look cute for the pre-teen market, SYCO had totally gayed him up in the process. Ronan's not a 16 year old expressing his sexualty for the first time, he's a 12 year old boy. It was horrible and I was very uncomfortable as to where this was going to end. Ronan, still suffering from nerves, performed his song and received a standing ovation from all three judges...why? Because it was in the script to give Ronan a standing ovation. As for Louis comment. "Ronan Parke. Remember that name. This kid's gonna be a star!!" - that was actually fed to him from the production gallery and I know the guy who wrote the line. And when it comes to Ronan's tears...well, check it out on YouTube or something. You see Ronan crying and wiping away tears. Only you don't see any actual tears, not even on close-up and on an HD tv. Yep you guessed it, even that was choreographed, right down to the lip-biting!
It was also interesting to see that even before the final credits rolled on Ronan's audition show, SYCO TV had uploaded the offical video of Ronan onto YouTube. Today, that particular video has been viewed over 2.5 million times and growing.

SYCO don't do that for other contestants, so why Ronan? The gaying-up Ronan plan slightly backfired on SYCO when lots of negative comments were being posted on YouTube and Twitter about Ronan's image and the supposed sexuality that represents. Things got so bad on YouTube that the posting of comments had to be suspended. But SYCO learned from this and dressed Ronan more appropriately for his semi-final show; preferring a much more Bieber inspired look to the 'gaykid' image presented in the audition.

In another unusal move for BGT contestants, SYCO created Ronan's Official Facebook Fan Page and Twitter account. Both these services are managed from within SYCO and they post messages and pictures, not Ronan. This is because they don't want Ronan posting anything controversial and is standard practice for currrent artists signed to SYCO.
And so this weekend will see Ronan crowned as winner of BGT 2011. Oh and let's not forget the £100k prize money. It's unlikely Ronan will see much or any of that. He's been signed to SYCO for two years now and under the terms of his contract, while SYCO stump-up for costs in advance, this is paid back from future earnings. So he will need to pay for all those lessons, coaches, cars, clothes, styling and management... I wouldn't be surprised even after winning BGT, if he is not still in debt to SYCO.

As a recording artist Ronan has a relatively short shelf-life. Simon knows he is going to have to hit the ground running to maximise Ronan's earning potential, particularly if they go ahead with a planned break into the States and the pace is going to be frantic for Ronan. If you think the music industry is bad in the UK, you haven't seen anything until you experience it Stateside.

With an "anything goes" attitude all morals have long since gone out of the window. There will be no allowance for Ronan's age and he will be expected to perform on late- night shows and dinners etc. And if he get exhausted, there's always some sleaze-bag on hand ready to put a line of coke under his nose. I've seen it a million times.
I know for a fact, that the songs have already been chosen for Ronan's debut single and album, and that the backing and drum tracks have already been laid down.

Of course, once Ronan's voice breaks, it's game-over and he will be commercially redundant for a few years. By the time he gets through that, the world will have moved on and his fan-base will have grown-up a bit. Will he make a comeback? In my experience I'd say probably not.
I've met Ronan a few times over the past couple of years. He's a really nice kid with a generous, warm personality and the most wonderfully cute, girlie-giggle. There's nothing to not like about Ronan. He's a really sensitive soul and this comes across as him being a bit effeminate. But in a world of thuggish chavs, Ronan's a real breath of fresh air really and a real delight to chat to. Do I think Ronan's gay? No, is the short answer to that. SYCO have got a lot to answer for in their initial styling and image for Ronan. Like many 12 year old boys, Ronan may have issues in coming to terms with his sexuality in a couple of years. But right now, he's just a great kid...a bit different, I admit...but a great kid just the same.

I hope Ronan is not damaged by this experience, unforunately, history warns otherwise...but whatever, the genie is already out of the bottle and come this weekend, Ronan's life will change forever. Whether it's a good or bad experience being a 12 year old star in today's music industry, only time will tell. But as an industry insider I have serious reservations about what is about to happen to Ronan Parke and I doubt he or his family are ready for what's coming.
Thanks to my friends on Twitter and Facebook for getting this document out. Without you my voice would be silent.
** If you want to help expose the lie which is Britain's Got Talent, please feel free to republish this article or post a link to it

Anon
Sony Music UK

I’m posting this as I’d actually like to know if this is true or not. Not that it’ll make me watch the programme anyway. I’d rather stick needles in my eyes.

H/T to Constantly Furious