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Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Holiday entitlement.

pigs in troughs

I really can’t believe that our politicians are so out of touch with what the average commuter has to put up with, and come up with this.

We’re buggered if we are going to be inconvenienced by the Olympics.

Those poor MPs are going to take extra holiday because they are going to be put out by the road/rail chaos that will ensue during their puff piece that I for one never had a say in.

I mean , really, how many private companies would stay in business if every worker was allowed to take time off to see his/her (I must be PC here) entertainment of choice.

And the Nub is here.

Parliament will rise on July 13 to avoid the tight road restrictions being put in place for the Games.

So what. The public that pays their wages can’t just pick and choose to down tools when the local roadworks inconveniences them. Definitely a case of we are above you plebs.  They really haven’t a clue of how they are held in so much contempt.

Some comments on the article.

One rule for them... one for us. 'Twas ever thus.
- Abie Vee, Hendon NW££, 31/05/2011 16:17

We could pay off the deficit if all 650 of them went on gardening leave - and not one of them would be missed.
- R.F.Yorke, Yorks,, 31/05/2011 15:02

Why don't they shut down for their summer break and never come back? Parliament is an outmoded and useless institution that costs the taxpayer an obscene amount of money. Why do we need these parasites?
- Joe Blow, Wales, 31/05/2011 13:37

They obviously need the extended holiday so they can stick their snouts in the Olympic trough and not have to worry about getting back to 'work'
- Johnny Reggae, south east, 31/05/2011 12:42

What a joke!
They take 2-3 weeks at Easter, 6-7 weeks in the summer and 2-3 weeks at Christmas along with all school half-term holidays. This totals some 3-4 months holiday breaks per year. Maybe we should put them all in school uniform, pay them £30 per week and send them off with a packed lunch on the bus with their free pass.
The job does not end because it's a weekend, holiday or some form of anti-social timing. Get on with the job and start sorting out UK's mess. You could begin by scrapping your gold-plated pensions, reducing your holidays to maximum of 5 weeks per year and it would make a very pleasaant change for MP's to be affected by their decisions.
- Guy, Croydon, 31/05/2011 11:49

Strange? There was not one comment in support.

Signs of the future

If the country travels much further down this road of oppression, the sign below will likely become the norm.

smoking

The trouble with modern Britain is that so many laws have been passed in the last decade, no-one knows what is permissible and what is not. Where is the repeal bill promised to us after the election? That little stunt seems to have faded away into obscurity.

It’s the slow change from “innocent till proved guilty”, to “guilty until you damn well prove yourself innocent” which has overturned the fairness in our relation with the state apparatus. Parking fines, speeding in front of a camera, etc.

Oh and of course don’t swear at this article.

I’d like the Britain I used to know, back again.

They might not get him for speeding, but……………………….

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
ELECTORAL COMMISSION TO INVESTIGATE
CHRIS HUHNE'S ELECTION SPENDING

A complaint from the Sunlight Centre for Open Politics has triggered an Electoral Commission case review into Chris Huhne's election spending.
They state:
"Our assessment of the information indicated that there may be the possibility of an offence under Representation of the People Act 1983."

Their case review will report by August 24th.
--Ends--

The consequences of getting old

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,   I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the hall table that I received from the post man earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the letterbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, And notice that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.
I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Kyoto dead?

Maybe not dead yet but certainly a possibility.

There’s some pretty big players in the game that are becoming sceptical in this new age of austerity. The USA, Japan, Canada, & Russia are all starting to rail back from the biggest con trick of the last fifty years.

The governments from all three countries opposed a new round of binding GHG cuts even before climate change negotiators from nearly 190 countries arrived in the Thai capital for the current round of talks.

The MSM seem to have kept very quiet about that.

Meanwhile in the UK our Climate change Buffoon is pushing on ahead regardless.

Monday, 30 May 2011

There coming for you now, you filthy drinkers.

wine

Of course you were delighted that those evil smokers were kicked out of the pubs that they had enjoyed for so many years. Well I’m sorry to say that now the health Nazis have realised, that by their drip drip of insidious propaganda, they can brainwash the feeble minded liberal elite into a knee jerk reaction to enforce a minimum price for your chosen beverage.

They will start the de-normalisation process that they so well perfected on the smoker. It won’t be rushed but it will be insidious and steady.

Just little things such as dubious findings to tug the heart strings, and of course somewhere they’ll be the usual “Think of the Cheeeldren.

FIRE

The study also found that alcohol impairment was a cause of the fire in 25% of cases, and a factor
affecting response to the fire in 26% of cases. Alcohol impairment was often associated with fires at
night and at weekends.

Source:

Arson Control Forum: Learning lessons from real fires: findings from fire investigation reports. Research Bulletin No.9. Department for Communities and Local Government. July 2006.

Then of course I’m going to be facetious and look at the statistics from the other side. It would, in mind be safer to be drinking, as then your risk is only 25% as against the risk of being as a teetotaller, 75%. (Yes I know that someone will comment that this is a misuse of statistics).

WATER

Evil, hateful stuff to you foul drinkers.

There were 525 drowning fatalities in the UK involving adults and children aged 10 and over in the
home and garden between 1993 and 1999 (excluding suicide), an average of 79 incidents per annum.
85% of the incidents occurred indoors and almost all in the bath. Alcohol was a factor in 13% of the
cases. Alcohol affected females more than males and in particular the age range 40 to 59. The most
common causes were tripping or falling outdoors, falling into or slipping in the bath, and losing
consciousness or falling asleep in the bath while intoxicated.

Source: Drownings in the Home and Garden.. Consumer Affairs Directorate. Department of Trade and Industry. June 2001

They don’t actually state any figures for how much Alcohol imbibed. Was it one glass of wine or a whole bottle. Stand away from the Bath, NOW.

 

WORKPLACE ACCIDENTS.

Don’t ever think of having a half pint at lunchtime on a hot day (Caused by AGW, Natch).

Referring to substance abuse at the workplace, The International Labour Organisation states “in many
workplaces, 20 to 25 per cent of accidents at work involve intoxicated people injuring themselves and
innocent victims”.
In 1979-80 in the UK, the Health and Safety Executive investigated blood alcohol concentrations in 35
of 92 fatal workplace accidents reported to them, of which 7 (20%) exceeded the drink drive limit.
However, there little work has been done to up-date that figure, and there is no reliable estimate of the
current number of occupational deaths and injuries attributable to alcohol.
Institute of Alcohol Studies 21 April 2010

Various so called learned articles by Doctor X or professor Y will be dripped into the public consciousness over the coming years, no, months, to start your denormalisation in earnest. Your time has come.

 

Expect to see the headline soon. “Woman drowns in Workplace bath, trying to put out the flaming drink spilt on her, ignited by  cigarette”.

Of course this is just fiction. Couldn’t happen could it?

*FE pours another stiff drink*

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Ocean Acidification

I was just reading a post over at Biased BBC about an Article written by Richard Black where he is exhorting us with his usual lack of scientific knowledge, that we are all doomed by a rise in ocean acidification. Of course the science is settled in the mind of dear Richard as he links to this piece of garbage. http://royalsociety.org/Inter-Academy-Panel-statement-on-Ocean-Acidification/. Now, if you can be bothered to read that article, it in no way gives you any facts or figures. It’s just a broad brush propaganda piece.

Now I might not be a scientist, but I was a Marine Engineer for over forty years, and did  keep a close eye on the pH of that wobbly stuff that I was sailing across. In all those years, never did I see a significant change in the pH. In fact I never saw as much change as one paper suggest there should be. Cited below. We took a lot of notice of the condition of the sea water, not for esoteric “ Save the world” reasons, but simply for our own survival. The reason being that I was serving on one of her Majesty's grey ships. It is essential to know the temperature and other parameters in order to counter the threat from Russian submarines.

A simple summary of pH is given below.

pH is a measure of the acidity or alkalinity of a substance and is one of the stable measurements in seawater. Ocean water has an excellent buffering system with the interaction of carbon dioxide and water so that it is generally always at a pH of 7.5 to 8.5. Neutral water is a pH of 7 while acidic substances are less than 7 (down to 1, which is highly acidic) and alkaline substances are more than 7 (up to 14, which is highly alkaline). Anything either highly acid or alkaline would kill marine life but the oceans are very stable with regard to pH. If seawater was out of normal range (7.5-8.5) then something would be horribly wrong.

As you can see there is quite a range in the pH values allowed. pH at any location also depends on temperature (Don’t go there unless you have a degree in mathematics), as the pH is related to the absorbance of CO2. Now Ocean currents vary from year to year, making reliable permanent upward changes in CO2 highly suspect. I take the reader has heard of  El Nino and La Nina which has a cyclical relevance to sea temperatures.

Dear Richard doesn’t seem to realise the wheels are rapidly falling off his band wagon. I suggest, in the interest of humanity that he should jump of before a wheel spoke impales him on the reality that climate change is a dead horse that fell before the wagon.

The Debate is not over

H/T to Counting Cats

Saturday, 28 May 2011

A greedy greenie

You have to admire this man for finding  a way to tap into man’s fears off the unknown.

Dale Vince, the founder and sole shareholder of Britain's largest green energy company, is a one-time hippie dropout whose business nous has impressed the Prime Minister. (That I can believe. Cameron is easily conned by anything that will give him good publicity).

However, he doesn’t seem to think that other peoples ideas should be different from his slavish beliefs. Which to me makes him an enemy of the ordinary people.

But Vince's aim to improve the world by putting up wind turbines has produced opposition from vocal, ad hoc groups of residents who come together, as often as not, to protest against his plans. Most of their objections are invalid, Vince says. 'Putting up a turbine doesn't affect house prices or kill birds. The only valid point is that you can see a turbine. But what is overlooked is that it can be screened.

And there he is wrong in his impertinence and failure to research the facts, so convinced of his own Righteousness.

There are numerous cases by the week of houses being blighted  with reduced price when the householder has to accept a lower price for their property.

Yes they do kill birds. There are well documented pictures of birds being killed.

“Screen a wind turbine”. With what can you screen a 150 feet bird mincer?

And of course it is you and me that are paying for his company to survive.

Remember this.

The 280ft turbine situated in a business park near the M4 in Reading operated at just 15 per cent of its capacity year, meaning it generated £100,000 of energy, despite attracting subsidies of £130,000 from the Government.

Since 2005, when it began producing energy, the turbine has been subsidised with £600,000 of public money but has run at an average of 17 per cent of its capacity.

One man’s green is another man’s greed.

Dale. A question for you. Is it morally wrong to impoverish the low paid and the elderly by the extra taxation caused by feed in tariffs? If so why not?

Charlatans

I had a phone call from a foreign sounding gentleman purporting to be working on behalf of Microsoft. Well I listened to what he had to say and must admit that it sounded plausible until he had me look in Windows event viewer. Now I’ve used the event viewer many times, so when he tried to tell me that those events were going to kill my computer. I began to suspect that he was trying to con me into something that would cost me money.

The long and short of it was, that I let him waffle on for a while, whilst pretending to be very worried, and carried out his every order, typing in various commands into my “Run” bar. Finally we got to  www.logmeien123.com  . Thats when I hung up the phone.

This is a company that will offer to manage your computer for a small sum of, wait for it, £699 per annum. Maybe if I was a computer Luddite and I had a medium size company I might be interested. However, believe it or not I can access my computer for the vast sum of the square root of fuck all. It’s called remote access, and comes built in to modern windows systems.

So if you get called from a company called LogMeIn warning of dire predictions then just tell them to take a running jump.

 

logmein

Well that’s got that off my chest.

Friday, 27 May 2011

The governing of the country is up to you.

I’ve been reading a few blogs today where it has been mooted that government as it stands, is totally out of touch with what , we the people need.

What we have is a self sustaining oligarchy of politicians of all colours maintaining a status quo, that we the people, have no power as it stands to alter.

We have seen in the past few days, how the power of the Blogosphere and social media sites such as twitter can succeed against those who would deny us the rights that are ours. The right to freedom of speech.

The internet is a powerful tool to those that care to use it responsibly  and we should use it to brush aside the misconceptions that our elected representatives are somehow all knowing and better than the average man in the street. In fact I expect that the average man in the street has a better understanding of basic economics than our political and MSM elite.

What those very elected politicians have forgotten is that they are there to serve the people. Instead all we get is professional politicians of this new age, just vying hold on to a system of politics that is devoid of any resemblance of humility. What we need  is a complete shake up of the entire constitutional makeup of our political system.

One example of the ridiculous is that fifty MPs discuss at length, why we shouldn’t agree to future EU bailouts, only to have it amended by the government whipping 250 MP’s to support the governments position. That alone throws the whole parliamentary system into disrepute and farce.

Please go to Richard North’s Blog for a more erudite article than this humble blog is capable of.

What this stresses is that we, the people, are the power in the land. And the only thing that constrains that power is the myth that we need rulers to guide and manage us. We do not - we need government, and particularly central government, only to provide limited functions on our behalf, acting as servants not our masters. To get back to that state requires nothing more than a simple article of faith - a belief in our own power. We are more powerful than those who claim to rule us, if we choose to use that power.

We really need to take back the power into people of this country that used to be great, but is now being sold out by a clique who only have their political careers at heart.

I am of the old era, born in 49. It’s up to you, children of the modern era, how you wish to be governed. I wish you well. You reap what you sow. Don’t blame me. You have the choice.

Friday Foolery

One of my pet peeves is the almost constant use of mobile phones by people while driving, Shopping, dining and in line at the supermarket etc.

Does no one know how to say 'I'll call you right back'? Well, it has gone beyond that now, With them being used in relaxing getaway places like at the beach.

This is beyond being inconsiderate. While on the beach recently, I had to just sit there and listen to this woman for at least an hour while she talked on her mobile phone and pranced back forth in front of me.

I couldn't concentrate on my book.

 

 

finger

 

 

 

 

beach babe1beach babe2

beach babe3beach babe4

beach babe5beach babe6

How thoughtless and inconsiderate can she be?

I almost got up and moved!!!

Electric cars

Nissan-LEAF_2011_thumbnail_02

It would seem that our American cousins like to throw money down the drain faster than us

The federal government has figured out how to save $116,000 per year … and it only costs $4 million to do it! The pilot program in San Diego and four other American cities will take no more than, oh, 39 years for the savings to pay back the cost of the vehicles:

San Diego will be one of five cities in which the federal workers will test plug-in cars for government use.

The General Services Administration said Tuesday it plans to buy 116 plug-in electric vehicles, including 101 Chevrolet Volts and 10 Nissan Leafs.

It will put 13 Volts and four Leafs with San Diego workers, and will also install charging stations to serve them. The cars will go to workers with the Navy, the Marine Corps, Veterans Affiars and the Department of Transportation. …

The purchases announced Tuesday are expected to cut gas usage by almost 29,000 gallons a year, saving taxpayer an estimated $116,000 and reducing greenhouse gas emissions by 257 metric tons, said GSA administrator Martha Johnson.

I’ll give the financial analysis a whirl:

101 Volts at $38,500 equals $3,888,500. Add to that 10 Leafs costing $33,000 and you get $4,218,500. Now add 5 EV’s at $32,500 and the grand total is $4,508,500. At a savings of only $116,000 a year in petrol it would take 39 years to offset the costs of the cars.1

Doesn’t make much sense to me? The battery life of these cars will not last more than ten years (And that’s a conservative estimate. There are some quotes of only half that.), the last time I checked.So the costs of buying new “green” cars will never be offset.

Oh and not withstanding the cost  of all those charging points they are going to install.

Makes you wonder what world those people live on.

1 I’d convert to sterling if I could be bothered. But I’m sure you’ll get the picture.

Thursday, 26 May 2011

Let off lightly in my opinion.

Four Muslim men were jailed today after they carried out a brutal attack on an RE teacher because they did not approve of him teaching religious studies to Muslim girls.

Gary Smith, 38, received "appalling injuries" after he was set upon by the gang as he walked to work at Central Foundation Girls' School in Bow, east London, on July 12 last year.

Armed with a metal rod and a brick, they punched, kicked and attacked Mr Smith, leaving him unconscious and covered in blood on the pavement in Burdett Road, Tower Hamlets.

From what I’ve read in the last few months, is that Tower Hamlets is fast becoming a no go area for those who are not of the Islamic persuasion. Andre Gilligan did a piece on the East London Mosque for dispatches. There’s a clip HERE.

Anyway to continue, I’ll name names.

Simon Alam, 19, of Whitechapel, Azad Hussain, 26, of Wapping, Sheikh Rashid, 27, of Shadwell, and Akmol Hussein, 26, of Bethnal Green, all in east London, pleaded guilty to causing grievous bodily harm with intent earlier this year.

And of course they are supporters of the “Religion of Peace”.

At least the Judge had the balls to speak his mind.

Sentencing them at east London's Snaresbrook Crown Court, Judge John Hand QC said he believed they all remained a danger to the public due to their extreme religious beliefs.

Addressing the defendants one by one, he said: "Your belief is that you carried out a duty to your God and you did so with no mercy.

"If you think that people around you in society present an insult or threat to God then you will not hesitate in attacking again in the way that you have acted."

However as usual, the sentence length is pathetic.

He said he deemed Akmol Hussein, a social worker and self- employed builder, and Azad Hussain, a finance worker, to have played the greatest role in the planning and execution of the attack and sentenced them each to an indeterminate sentence with a minimum of five years.

Student Alam was told he must serve a minimum of five years in prison before being released on licence for a further five years, while bus driver Rashid was handed a four-year sentence with a further five years on licence.

A fifth defendant, Badruzzuha Uddin, 24, also of Shadwell, was also jailed for two years after previously admitting a charge of assisting an offender after he hid the men's bloodstained clothes.

Bearing in mind that they’ll probably be out before serving half their sentence for.

Mr Smith suffered multiple injuries, including lacerations and bruising all over his body, has a permanent 12cm long deep scar across his left cheek, and how the whole of the facial part of his skull was broken.

They should have got ten years each.

 

 

 

That explains it.

My head hurts.

Another thought for the day. (Collectors edition)

COWS have their uses.

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county
of Cumbria?

madcow

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

Thought for the Day

The Ten Commandments

bible0041

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this - You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.

It creates a hostile work environment.

Just saying

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

I shouldn't keep parroting on………….

parrot chute

You have to wait a few seconds for the punch line to emerge.

The demon drink

If you had been around in 1919 and came upon the following poster...

prohibition

I mean, seriously, wouldn’t you just keep drinking?

I give up on the Human race

A woman sought treatment at a Kent A&E department for a broken fingernail, the NHS West Kent trust has revealed.

The unnamed woman attended the accident and emergency department during a recent bank holiday, but was 'not admitted and politely sent on her way'.

Well I would not have been at all polite if I’d been there.

I think I’ll have a lie down in my darkened room that I keep on standby.

WTF!

Or should I say EAW. Those three innocuous sounding letters stand for European Arrest Warrant. It would seem that these warrants are just being used a little too freely.

Grandfather facing extradition for going over his overdraft limit

Jacek Jaskolski, a retired schoolteacher living in Bristol is being sought on a European Arrest Warrant to stand trial in Poland for an overdraft debt he paid off many years ago. While living in Poland Mr Jaskolski went over his account overdraft limit and subsequently repaid the entire debt to the bank.

In July 2010 the British police suddenly and with no prior notice arrested Mr Jaskolski. He is threatened with a trial for theft that could see him serving as many as 5 years in prison. The British courts will now decide whether Mr Jaskolski, in fragile health following 3 strokes in the past 2 years, will be sent to prison in Poland or allowed to remain with his family, including his wife who is caring for him and who herself has serious disabilities.

Luckily his nightmare is partially over thanks to a British court using common sense.

on 20th April 2011 Jacek Jaskolski prevailed in his extradition hearing at Westminster Magistrate’s Court and was discharged from extradition to Poland, thanks to his legal team of Edward Grange from Sonn Macmillan Walker and Ben Cooper of Doughty Street Chambers..

I say partially as his legal team have yet to get Poland to quash the arrest warrant.

Then there’s the case of Deborah Dark.

Deborah Dark was arrested and detained, first at gunpoint in Turkey, then in Spain and then in the UK to serve a prison sentence for a twenty-year old conviction. In 1989, Deborah was found not guilty of drug related offences in a French Court. Unbeknownst to Deborah and following her return to the UK, the prosecutor appealed the verdict in her absence and she was found guilty by an Appeal Court. She was never summoned to appear to court, nor was she informed of the conviction.

Although courts in both the UK and Spain ruled that it would be unjust to extradite her, Deborah remained subject to the European Arrest Warrant in virtually all other EU member states. Deborah was in effect trapped within the UK and unable to visit her family in Spain for over 3 years. It was only in May 2010, after Fair Trials International helped build public and political support for Deborah’s case that France finally agreed to remove the Arrest Warrant.

Something sadly wrong in my opinion.

Take one Penguin

If you can find one lying around the house and…………

Obviously practising for Wimbledon

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Praying for water.

Because there are no mosques in Venice, The Government has allowed the Italian Muslims to pray in the streets for O.B.L

So far 543 have already drowned

Muslims

I’m expecting a knock on the door by an AK47 wielding terrorist any moment soon.

Catching a flight?

If you’re flying anywhere soon there’s a very useful website called FlightRadar24, which will not only allow you to track aircraft, but will also show you a forecast of the latest volcanic ash cloud.

At the moment the Ash cloud is south of Leeds.

This is a public service broadcast from FE towers.

You what! Oh not again.

 

California preacher Harold Camping has said his prophecy that the world would end was off by five months because Judgment Day will actually come on October 21.

I must say I feel a little pity for those who were stupid enough to believe in this crackpot. Homes have been sold, children removed from school, pets given away, & possessions sold off.

On second thoughts No I don’t. Anyone who slavishly follows a religion to that extent, are the makers of their own downfall. And that includes those who worship the great Gods of Wind and Solar. If you want that sort of power, don’t expect me to subsidise it for you.

CTB. The Movie

Well it had to be done.

H/T to Guido

Monday, 23 May 2011

The law and cyclists.

Here is a traffic law question.  If you miss it you may be too old to drive.

 

police car

Traffic Question
:

Most men will get this right!

Q:   You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING FOR 2 MILES sign posted, and you come upon a bicycle rider. Do you:


(a) Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles , or
(b) Do you break the law and pass?

         Which is the correct choice?

finger



                    Scroll down...



girl on a bike

A:  Why take unnecessary risks?

That non event.

smoke cloud

The only Rapture I would have wished for at 1800 on Saturday night, would have been for Deborah Arnott, and her hideous cohorts at ASH, to disappear in an enormous cloud of nicotine laden cigarette smoke.

 

As long as it didn’t affect the airline industry.

Ireland is doomed

I think O’bama is going to go nuts and nuke the emerald isle if he’s subjected to this.

JEDWARD!

Jedward

The public event is expected to attract around 20,000 people, with Jedward and Westlife set to perform for Mr Obama and his wife ahead of the president’s address.

Speaking to the BBC, the pop duo said: ‘We're very excited, it's an honour to perform for the most famous man in the world, after Simon Cowell that is.’

I agree with the twitter comments totally.

Twitter users have expressed their surprise at the decision to include Jedward in the musical line-up, with soulglider posting: ‘I fear for Obama, what will he make of #Jedward.’

Webstl added: ‘Dear TV, Please can we have a camera on Obama's bemused face during Jedward? Thanks.’

And charlisteele wrote: ‘Please don't show Obama Jedward. Please. Please. Please.’

Has the Republic sunk this low? It quite amazed me when these two twats were chosen to represent Ireland in the Eurovision song contest (not that I watched it).

Green Portugal. Bust.

Many should know that Portugal is seeking a rescue package. The reason for the bailout? Strange as it may seem: a green economy that has gotten dark, so much darker... Portugal will be the ONLY country in the World, according to the IMF  that will have a GDP negative growth in 2012. José Sócrates, Environment Minister between 1999 and 2002, and Prime Minister since 2005, is the person behind this tragedy. His green vision has brought Portugal some recognition amongst greenies, but mainly a dark future.
Almost everything imaginable in this Green promise has gone wrong. Murphy's law at its best:

Portugal was the first country with wave power in the world, at Aguçadoura; it broke down only two months later. (Take note those of you advocating it. FE knows how corrosive sea water is) Portugal has one of the biggest solar photovoltaic power stations in the World, at Amareleja, owned by Acciona, a Spanish company. The huge feed-in tariffs being paid for this solar energy is being sent to their neighbours.

Wind power has been a big bet. Big promises included green jobs, but the truth is that they are only a few thousands... The reality is that the more the wind blows, the poorer they get. This is true because wind feed-in tariffs are much higher than energy prices in the spot market.
With such a high share of wind energy, dam construction has started, so that they can be used for energy storage. A double cost, which would not be needed, if wind energy was not so big. But it doesn't stop there: Gas power stations had to be paid for being in standby, raising even more the indirect costs of wind power.

Portugal has boasted that it exported electricity energy for the first time in 2010. The truth is that most of that energy was exported at zero cost, a strange concept with an easy explanation: when wind blows, especially at night, energy consumption is low; the same does occur also in Spain, so they don't need the energy. Spain exports it through France, and gets the excess energy for free. Once again, Portuguese consumers and taxpayers are subsidizing other richer countries.

It isn't any surprise that electricity prices are very high in Portugal. Despite slightly above the European mean value, the low income means that energy is comparably much more expensive in Portugal. And this is only half of the picture, as the KWh energy price accounts for only about 40% of the electricity bill, the rest being taxes and subsidies.

Petrol and Diesel also have very high prices in Portugal, amongst the highest in the World. The reason: multiple taxes and subsidies paid at the  pump. All this has a great impact on the Economy, and is the main reason behind fuel tourism to Spain, where prices are much lower. In fact, they are so much lower, that near the border, people drive 50Km or more just to fill the tank!

Lately, things have got even worse. Sócrates is pushing for electric cars, but nothing in those cars is being made in Portugal. Once again, they are effectively paying for R&D being made somewhere else, without any advantage for the country. Despite being one of the countries with the highest lithium reserves in the World, no value is added in Portugal.

Portugal also has some well proven gas reserves. Despite that, they are not being explored, with tourism fears being invoked. It is viewed that Sócrates wouldn't go this way, as it is not green... And despite potential shale gas reserves being pointed out, no one talks about it in Portugal!

Talk about CO2 compensations sent to other countries, projects involving offshore wind or even more expensive solar energy. The truth is that the green promise has brought them a dark future.

Remember this, our politicians are trying to sell us the same green economy lunacy.

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Football quiz

1. Who did Tom Hanks “privately” save?

2. What do bands call their performances?

Nope that’s it. You really shouldn’t  read the MSM.

Why I can’t go to hell..

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

Gustave_Dore_Inferno34

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. 
This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? 
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Saturday, 21 May 2011

So long suckers

A blinding white rapturous light and this blogger has……………………

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bugger. He had the name spelled wrong. I’m back.

The Rapture

The rapture is definitely here.

I went to use a cash machine this morning. Before I’d got anywhere near the point of asking for money it decided that it was going to give me a £100 anyway.

Halleluhah

Friday, 20 May 2011

No m’Lud

Lord Neuberger, the Master of the Rolls, admitted that bloggers and users of social network sites such as Twitter would not necessarily be covered by court orders, even though some simply “peddle lies”.

But he rejected claims that the situation made injunctions futile because the internet had "by no means the same degree of intrusion into privacy as the story being emblazoned on the front pages of newspapers", which "people trust more”.

I’m afraid my “noble” lord, that you are living in the past. Newspapers across the board are experiencing lower sales year on year, whilst the social networking sites are increasing their volume of traffic. Even my humble blog has experienced an increase in traffic by seventeen times in one year. This year if I keep up enough quality blogging (Note to self: Don’t write shite), I would expect to double last years increase. Don’t forget mine is not an overtly political blog, I just occasionally enter  the political world as others write about it better than me.

My personal take on morality is if you are caught red-handed breaking laws, offending public decency, cheating on your spouse, then you deserve to by held to account. Just because you have vast financial resources at your disposal does not give you the right to more privacy than me.

Are we not supposed to be equal under the law?

Seems not.

How odd.

I never realised that RBS’s Group Resourcing Director was Susan Bor. Mind you this was the bank run by Sir Fred Goodwin.

I’ve no idea why I typed this. Must be Alzheimer's disease setting in. It does make me say the strangest things.

Run for your lives. From Zombies?

Taken from the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention.

There are all kinds of emergencies out there that we can prepare for. Take a zombie apocalypse for example. That’s right, I said z-o-m-b-i-e a-p-o-c-a-l-y-p-s-e. You may laugh now, but when it happens you’ll be happy you read this, and hey, maybe you’ll even learn a thing or two about how to prepare for a real emergency.

Ooh err.

So what do you need to do before zombies…or hurricanes or pandemics for example, actually happen? First of all, you should have an emergency kit in your house. This includes things like water, food, and other supplies to get you through the first couple of days before you can locate a zombie-free refugee camp (or in the event of a natural disaster, it will buy you some time until you are able to make your way to an evacuation shelter or utility lines are restored). Below are a few items you should include in your kit, for a full list visit the CDC Emergency page.

Run for the hills. We are all doomed.

Actually it’s designed to give you a lighthearted mine of information of what you should have at hand in case disaster strikes.

You might be advised to stock up today.

Saturday is last day on earth, claims evangelical ChristianHarold Camping, 89, wrongly predicted 'the rapture' date once before in 1994 God's chosen few ascend to heaven, sinners left behind to face earthquakes Atheists hold parties to celebrate 'inevitable embarrassment' Christian author calls Camping's prediction 'flat-out wrong'

end of world

Nut Jobs the lot of them.

Thursday, 19 May 2011

My First Ship

HMS Gannet

Now you all thought that my first ship was RFA Retainer. Well you were all wrong.

My first ship was HMS Gannet or as it was in my day, the Training ship Mercury. Now it didn’t look like the pic above in my day. The masts had gone, no funnel, and the upper deck was covered by a corrugated tin roof.

A little History.

HMS Gannet is therefore a classic example of the type of ship used to implement Great Britain's 'gunboat diplomacy' during the final 25 years of the nineteenth century. As fast if not faster than their sailing predecessors, sloops such as HMS Gannet maintained a capability as sea boats that ensured they could be kept at sea when larger ships had been forced to take refuge. In addition, her composite construction was ideal for her role allowing her to operate at sea for long periods and over long distances without the need for elaborate dockyard facilities to maintain her as her carpenter and crew could repair most minor damage while at sea. Indeed Gannet's designer, Sir Nathaniel Barnaby, was so confident in her hull design that he ordered that when ships of her type returned from duties overseas, they were only to have obvious work done, and were not to be stripped down completely, as was the general practice at the time.

In my day, the school day consisted of being turfed out of your hammock at six in the morning, whereupon the first order of the day was to generally clean up the ship. Scrubbing the decks was the chore of choice. Cleaning the toilets was not.

This was followed by rowing ashore in 36 foot cutters to the shore establishment, followed by the inevitable cold shower and a meagre breakfast. (Monday: Porridge, slice of bread, and an egg. Tuesday: Porridge, slice of bread, and a rasher of bacon. Wednesday: Same as Monday. Need I continue?). On completion it was tidying up up the shore establishment such as sweeping the parade ground and the like. (Have I mentioned toilets?).

Just to make sure we were all there we next had to form up on the parade ground in our divisions (Mine was called the poncy name of Rodney. Apparently he was a famous Admiral).The roll call didn’t always tally. During the winter of ‘62, 14  of our number escaped one night and made a break to freedom. Bearing in mind that the river Hamble in which were ensconced had frozen over, and that the ice was forming on the internal decks, I just wonder why I didn’t do the same. Mind you, my suggestion of tunnelling out was not very popular.

Then of course there were classes to attend. In addition to the usual, we learnt Navigation, Seamanship, and signals. (incidentally I hold O level passes in Navigation and Seamanship. Bye the way did I ever mention that my chosen profession was marine engineering).

Of course all things had to end. We had to row out to that bloody prison hulk again, in the evening.

Three years in prison. To be topical, Rapists have never had it so good.

The long and short of it was I left, and was enthusiastically grudgingly accepted as an engineering cadet in the Royal Fleet Auxiliary.

Why was the Training Ship Mercury set up?

Charles Hoare founded the school to rescue boys from unpromising environments and train them primarily for service in the Royal Navy. The first boys were said to be:
"improved street arabs of fourteen or fifteen years of age who have vouched for themselves that they are willing to enter the Royal Navy" picked up from the slums of London and quarantined at a cottage in Tooting before being sent to the ship."

The trials and tribulations of growing up with whores, booze, transvestites will soon be coming to a blog near you in the near future.

Say Aaaaaah

Marriage proposal by Movie.

Whatever next.

It’s the look on the girl’s face as it slowly dawns that it’s about her.

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Could it happen here?

Imagine the scene:

Riots

The Uk’s people’s movement has finally awoken, Trafalgar square in London is now the country’s Tahrir Square, and the ‘Arab Spring’ has been joined by what is now bracing to become a long ‘European Summer’. As people across the Arab world continue their popular struggle for justice, peace and democracy, The Uk’s disillusioned citizens have finally caught on with full force. Slow at first, hopeful that the Uk’s dire economic conditions would magically correct themselves, the UK street has finally understood that democratic and economic justice and peace will not come from the pulpits of the country’s corrupt political elite. [......] A failed European project, with its borders quickly being reinstated, a collapsing Euro currency, and the examples of Greece, Portugal and Ireland are the reminders to those on the streets of what it is they are fighting to disassociate themselves from, and of the freedoms they are working towards. The economic and political project of the country’s elite has destroyed the economic dreams of whole generations of naïve and apathetic British. [...] A silent revolution has begun in the UK, a nonviolent revolution which seeks democracy through democratic means, justice through just means, and peace through peaceful means has finally captivated the imagination of the British people, and now there is no turning back. Hopefully an articulate steering committee will flourish soon from amongst the crowds, which is capable of making clear and viable demands that grab the imagination of the country and force the political elite to comply."

I would like to think so. However the above paragraph has been adjusted to read “UK” instead of “Spain”.

I personally think that unless our political scum politicians start to listen to the people that matter in this country (You and Me), the scenario above will eventually happen. What happened to the upstanding business men of old who after working to build up a company then decided to enter politics to try and improve the condition of their constituents? All I see now is a political class that has no affinity with how the real world works.

Many thanks to Witterings from Witney

Unsolicited Solar panels

solar panel

Today I received an unsolicited phone call from a company implying that they were working with  the government. (A quick google search debunked that). Anyway. Would you guess it, they were trying to sell me solar panels for my roof. After painfully listening to the prepared spiel, I asked for some hard economics. And this is what I got.

Cost: Mumbled about not really knowing till my location was inspected by their team of Salesmen Engineers. Even when I gave her rough dimensions of my south facing roof and the fact it was three stories up.

Maintenance: Very upbeat. “Absolutely maintenance free sir”. When I asked about cleaning the panels, and inverter through life costs, the other end of the phone line became very quiet.

Conclusion: I politely asked of her name and the details of the company she worked for. However when I informed her that I’d signed up for the Telephone preference service, and I would be informing Ofcom and Trading standards of their breach of the law, the last thing I heard was the equivalent of a Climate scientist sliding down a red hot hockey stick. A sizzling dial tone.

The Prisoner

prisoner

I wrote a diatribe a couple of weeks ago about ordering an item that was not delivered, and saved me money by finding the item cheaper elsewhere.

Guess what. It’s happened all over again. The package has been returned to the vendor as it was damaged and I’ve found the item cheaper elsewhere again.

The only problem is that throughout this period I’ve become a virtual prisoner in my home, waiting for non existent deliveries. Only making rapid forays to the local shop for vital top ups of essential supplies of whisky and ciggies. I’ve almost done as much time incarcerated as a corrupt MP.

I think that my sentence is nearly over as the item is to be delivered tomorrow as.I’m informed by the latest vendor.

Was that a squadron of flying pigs I just saw?

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

15 PPMV(Parts per million by volume)

An interesting video showing graphically how much CO2 is generated by humans

Not much is it?

stick that in your pipe and smoke it, BBC.. Their six O’clock news was a disgrace. Unbiased. I doubt whether they know how to spell it. Let alone what it means

Gobbledygook

 

What an earth does this mean?

We are looking for a Integrated Children's System Training Officer to manage a team of Systems Trainers and Support Advisors. The team is responsible for the delivery of systems training and the provision of first line support to the users of the Social Care recording systems, primarily the Integrated Children's System (Protocol) and supporting Management Information system (Swipe). The role will include; management of Training Room facilities throughout the County, development of a blended learning training programme and working alongside other key stake holders to enable the system users to make best use of the recording systems. The ideal candidate will have experience of managing a training team in a blended learning environment, experience of working in a large multi-disciplinary environment and be flexible and responsive to frequently changing demands.

And what an earth is a “Integrated Children’s system Training Officer” when it’s at home?

This little bit of new speak is taken from an ad for a council job.. And it pays well. Too well in my mind.

Salary: £28,500 £50,400
37 hours per week
Fixed term until 31st March 2012.

So if you live in Essex…………………………..

Then of course you could apply for a job of

Food Safety Hawk

They won’t help you

strauss

A note you don’t want to receive.

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let  you know about the small  accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway..

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Sylvia Park and when I turned into the driveway

I  accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. 

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. 

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.

You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. 

I am  enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms  again.  



Your loving wife.

XX

crasg garage

P.S.

Your girlfriend phoned.

Monday, 16 May 2011

Mr Cameron. Please go back to School.

Mr. Cameron,

Can you please have a word with that Mr Huhne, who is setting out to bankrupt me and almost everyone else in the country, through higher fuel bills. (Mind you, he might be facing jail by the end  of the week).

The Earth has been warming for approximately 200 years. The rate of warming has been fairly constant at 0.5C per century from the beginning of that epoch until about the year 2000.  These natural, non-anthropogenic causes are well-known in the scientific literature. They are called climate cycles. The recent warming starting at the beginning of the 19th century superseded the so-called Little Ice Age which had lasted for several centuries.

I believe that you, as the PM of UK, has a real responsibility to check out what we Engineers call "the numbers". And the numbers are jolly important here, Mr. Cameron. Do you happen to know what happened to the important numerical value of the rate of warming when CO2 in terms of ppm started to grow strongly around 1945? The figure  was 0.5C per one hundred years, if you care to remember. Well, the answer is---nothing, absolutely nothing. Check out the climate stats at NOAA and you'll be impressed by the unaltered rate of warming (0.5C/century) up until ca 1998. Anthropogenic, fossil-burning type increase of the level of CO2 in the atmosphere from ca 280 ppm around 1945 to ca 390 ppm as of today didn't cause the global temperature to soar and accelerate one little bit.

And one more important number for you as the PM to watch: What happened to the rising global temperature after 1998? Well, the important thing is that nothing much has happened to the global T since then. The rate of warming as of today is approximately 0.12-0.14C per century which is not statistically significant. Despite the fact that since 1998 mankind has continued to inject CO2 into the air (in fact, about 25% of ALL the CO2 man ever produced by fossil burning occurred after 1998) the increase of global T has flattened and the Earth isn't getting any noticeably warmer. Even Phil Jones agrees with me about this. So why all the climate razzmatazz in your branch of life as opposed to mine? I wouldn't know. ;-)
It'd be much better for you to take my climatological crash course above than attempting singlehandedly to crash into a Hermageddon of economical ruin for Britain.

Think about it, will you? The climatology of the last million years is crystal clear - CO2 has never caused the global T to go up or down. Look at the ice core data from Antarctica, will you? It's the other way around - the heat content of the atmosphere and the big oceans cause CO2 to move up and down.

No mathematician or physicist I know has seen any evidence that the IPCC version of climate science can account for recurring climate cycles in a way that is even remotely as successful as standard, pre-IPCC text-book treatments of climate change. Buy yourself  a 1980's text-book dealing with climate and I'm sure you'll understand what I'm getting at, Mr. Cameron.

Regards

The Filthy Engineer.

Sunday, 15 May 2011

Rally against debt. The Movie.

Alright this has been produced by UKIP, but the salient points are made on why the government of the day is being economical with the truth.

It’s my belief that we are being led into a world of hurt in the next few years. If we’re not careful we will become another Greece as our spending outstrips our GDP.

H/T to Faustie

Those pesky cables

cable

Oh dear. Not only the grout is failing in those monopile offshore wind turbines, but it looks like it could cost  even more due to the shortage of electrical cabling.

According to a new Wind Energy Update report titled Offshore Wind Installation & Construction, cabling currently accounts for between 8% and 10% of a project’s overall costs, but is at the root of 70% of insurance payouts. That means something is not going well.

One director of a well-known installation contractor quoted in the report says: “There has often been a lack of appreciation amongst procurers of the special character and difficulties relating to cable installation, and particularly a lack of early consultation with the installation contractor.”

And the penalties for errors are high. Cable installation costs are in the order of EUR€565 per metre and the high cost of vessels means any unexpected delays can have a significant impact on budgets.

For example, if every pull-in on an offshore wind farm with 180 turbines takes one hour longer than planned, at a typical cost of €170,000 a day the additional expense would mushroom to more than €2.5 million. Half a day’s delay each would mean €30 million-plus in costs.

There is some good news though.

That is not the only cause for concern, either. Some in the industry have wondered whether growing demand for subsea cables might put the brakes on the industry’s ambitious build-out plans over the next few years.

Hopefully they’ll bankrupt themselves. Before they bankrupt us.

Does the Buffoon Huhne ever get appraised of reports like these or does his army of sycophants carefully shield him from anything that might make him think differently?

There was an article this week about running a humongous cable across the North Sea to Norway. The idea was to use the wind energy to pump water from low level lakes in Norway to High level lakes. Then to use the potential energy therein to turn water turbine generators and generate electricity to transport the energy back to the UK when the Bird mincers weren't turning. I shook my head when I read that. The losses in the pumping and in the cables  would be horrendous. Who are these idiots? What’s the point of generating expensive energy and then losing a considerable percentage in losses?

And of course us, Joe public, will have to pay through the nose for this idiocy.

I think I need to lie down in a darkened room for the next ten years.

Saturday, 14 May 2011

Rally against debt

Hundreds of protesters gathered opposite the Houses of Parliament yesterday in support of government spending cuts.

pro-cuts-rally_1895922c

The protest was organised in response to anti-cuts demonstrations in March, which saw hundreds of thousands of people take to the street across the country.

Around 350 people attended the event in Westminster, according to the Metropolitan Police.

It was organised by Rally Against Debt, a new protest group, and attended by an alliance of right-wing activists including the TaxPayers' Alliance (TPA) and the UK Independence Party (Ukip).

Well done to all those that were able to attend. You made the papers. Hopefully this is just the beginning and more people will see the sense in this movement. Maybe this could be the start of TeapartyUKTM

I’ve had enough. Have you?

Friday, 13 May 2011

Bombing to rule. Whatever next?

bomb

Business is business around the globe.

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in
the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far
failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was
unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out
that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce
and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently
resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden (I knew he was not killed by those special forces) explained, "We
sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a
position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the
realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to
Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the
afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and
laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to
tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide
bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a
different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, Croydon and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their
operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

*Sorry, Angry Exile*