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Monday 29 April 2013

Sunday 28 April 2013

Hazadous liquid.

On reaching into the cupboard under the sink for some washing up liquid, what do I find?

Have a guess.

You guessed wrong.

Why should half a bottle of red wine be there?

Mrs FE was at a loss to explain. Mind you the glazed eyes gave it away, along with the slurred speech.


Friday 26 April 2013

Toiling in the mens’ room.


And the ladies room for that matter. Toilets in FE towers are unisex. I wouldn’t like to be classed as anti feminist.

Let me cut to the chase, though you’ll wish I hadn’t.

There was one of those little jobs that I have been meaning to get around to for some weeks. Fixing the downstairs Loo. (Toilet for those who are not used to colloquial English).

The problem with this porcelain edifice was that it was failing to flush without handling the flushing lever like a demented person who has been affected by Sarin nerve gas. (Topical).

Now my cistern is of the type that has a little silver handle on the front, that when activated, empties the contents in one fell swoop into the toilet bowl. Thus flushing the accrued detritus away in one foul swoop. (Hah).

Amazingly when I interrogated the web site of a well known purveyor of DIY items (Starts with a “B” & ends with a “Q”), nowhere could I find a simple, one flush mechanism. They seem to think that we all want a duel flush system. Having had to unblock the bathroom toilet on boxing day two years ago has turned me off from these spawns of  Satan.

However another well known DIY store (Begins with “Home”) actually had what I needed.

Bye now your thinking that I’m going to tell you some tale of woe as the post about my plumbing exploits I regaled you with. Far from it. I sailed through the replacement without a hitch.

What I did not realise is the built in obsolescence of the water lifting diaphragm on both the old mechanism and the new. A piece of plastic sheet less than the thickness of a carrier bag. If I’d known this before the replacement, I would have repaired the old mechanism with a piece of plastic sheet from a heavy duty bin bag.

I won’t be caught twice.

You can got to sleep now.


What comes around, goes around.

Wednesday 24 April 2013

Plain packaging?

It seems a health minister by the name of Anna Soubry has let the cat out of the bag about plain packaging of cigarettes being introduced this year. I find this indefensible, in that the consultation details have not been released yet. But it would seem that they don’t care.

Ministers are to introduce plain packaging for cigarettes along the Australian model with legislation this year, after becoming convinced that the branding is a key factor in why young people start to smoke.

The legislation, to be announced in the Queen's speech in May, is also expected to ban smoking in cars carrying anyone aged under 16 years. Ministers acknowledge that the ban is likely to be difficult for the police to enforce, but they believe peer group pressure will have an impact similar to the ban on drivers using mobile phones.

Here is Godfrey Bloom’s (MEP)  thoughts on the subject.


We really are governed by a shower of wankers.

Here are DP’s thoughts

And Simon Clark’s.

Monday 22 April 2013

The lights are going to go out.

An article in the Independent newspaper today states the view that "Fracking" for gas won't bring down the cost of energy to the British consumer.

George Osborne's plan to deliver cheap energy by fostering a fracking revolution has been dealt a severe blow after an influential cross-party group of experts said any boom in shale gas production would be "unlikely to give the UK cheap gas".
However all is not what it seems:

But even if vast quantities of shale gas are eventually produced, the report finds that this would be unlikely to have much impact on household and businesses energy bills – although it would be good for the economy. "Despite the support for UK shale gas announced in the Chancellor's Budget, there remains a great uncertainty around the size of the prize and developments in the industry, which could take a decade and are unlikely to give the UK cheap gas," concluded the report by Carbon Connect, a steering group of industry and academic experts chaired jointly by Mr Hendry, a Conservative MP, and Baroness Worthington, Labour's Energy and Climate Change spokesperson in the House of Lords.
What I had to ask is who are this steering group called CARBON CONNECT?

As I suspected, the cross party group is taking their advice from a group intent on decarbonising the energy generation. Certainly not an independent unbiased organisation.

Their aims are reproduced below:

Carbon Connect is the independent forum that facilitates discussion and debate between business, government and parliament to bring about a low carbon transformation underpinned by sustainable energy. We were launched in June 2009, by Ed Miliband MP, then Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change.

For our members we provide a varied programme of parliamentary events and policy research that is progressive, independent and affordable. As well as benefitting from our own independent analysis, members engage in a lively dialogue with government, parliament and other leading businesses. Together, we discuss and debate the opportunities and challenges presented by a low carbon transformation underpinned by sustainable energy.

Our members are committed advocates of low carbon enterprise and ensuring that the UK is at the forefront of the transition to a low carbon and resource efficient world.

If that is a steering group that MPs' are listening to, then I suggest that we'll be heading down a no through road, with no turning circle at the end.

At this rate we can expect blackouts in the future. I despair at the gullibility of our politicians.

Friday 19 April 2013

Live from Boston

The hunt for the second suspected bomber goes on. Live police transmissions.

Live broadcasting by Ustream

Personally I think he's mostly long gone. However for how long is anyone's guess.

1. You need money to live. The moment he tries to use an ATM machine his whereabouts are exposed.

2. He can't hire a car.

3. Everyone in the land will be looking out for a youth wearing a grey hoodie. 

4. Even if he tries to communicate by computer he'll be tracked.
 5. He daren't even think of using a mobile phone.
It's when, not if.

Good God!



I larfed.

Thursday 18 April 2013

Tax disk with sense.

Fed up with slamming into potholes the size of the Grand Canyon? Then you might want one of these.


£1.29 from Ebay.

Note: The sweary word is in full on the real one.

Wednesday 17 April 2013

He’s going to glow in the dark. Again.


A couple of years ago my son was diagnosed with cancer of the thyroid.

He’s just been informed that his protein levels are low, which is indicative that maybe some cancerous cells have not been totally eradicated.

So he’s made the decision to go back into hospital in July for further Radioactive Iodine therapy.

He’s chosen July as we are all going on holiday to Portugal in June and the metal detectors and X ray machines positively hate him for a couple of months after the treatment. During his treatment he is kept in a room down the end of a long corridor well away from anyone else. Visiting him is for half an hour only and we are told only to speak from the doorway. (Bugger that).

He’s probably going to read this and hopefully I’d like him to comment on this post. (Go on I dare you).

Maybe some of you think that I’m being too flippant about this subject. However I think the boy understands that you have to make the most of what life throws at you. Live for the day.

Monday 15 April 2013

What Maggie did for you.

An interesting programme on Channel 4 blowing apart the myth that she was responsible for all the ills of society,  that the left promulgate.

It’s an hour long but well worth watching.

A radical film about a radical woman.

Martin Durkin's controversial thesis is that Margaret Thatcher was a working class revolutionary.

Margaret Thatcher – Death of a revolutionary




Saturday 13 April 2013

Go on.

Join the counterattack on the Left’s effort to revile Baroness Thatcher.
Why not buy a song that will upset the lefties if sufficient numbers push “Ding Dong the witch is dead”, down the charts. It’s only 79p on Amazon.
You can purchase at the following links.
♬ iTunes:
♬ Amazon:
♬ Play:
Personally, if I was Maggie, I’d be giggling in my grave. But that’s just me.
Facebook page


It's now surged into No. 6 place in iTunes in the last hour.

Friday 12 April 2013

Spot the difference

Romany Blythe who was a key organiser of street parties to “celebrate” Margaret Thatcher’s death has defended her actions by comparing the late prime minister to Adolf Hitler.


It’s ignorant cretins like this who want to make me spit.


This is a woman who is one of those who thinks the country owes them a living, all the while plundering what little the country has.

The 45-year-old – who was given breast implants on the NHS because she complained of low self-esteem – had sparked outrage by creating an internet page called: ‘The witch is dead.’

Fun in the air

Now this is an airline I’d like to fly with. Specially with graphics like this





and finally the most important one.


And of course the inflight entertainment is just as good.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,

"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it !"

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,

"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said,

"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it 's something we'd like to have."

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:

"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced,

"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Kulula employee:

"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

And from the pilot during his welcome message:

"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,

"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it ?"

The little old lady said,

"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

Well that’s it for now. I really must get back to posting about serious subjects sometime.

Thursday 11 April 2013

Wednesday 10 April 2013

Fun stuff


That last one is unhappily true. Thanks to our Government's obsession with everything green, my utility bills are rising faster than a saturn rocket.

Monday 8 April 2013

Rules for UK Armed Forces

I think this might be biased.

Royal Marine Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won’t work.
5. be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet, even your friends
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose calibre does not start with a “4.”
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & Diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. In ten years nobody will remember the details of calibre, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
12. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

SBS Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

SAS Rules:
1. Walk 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from “Higher” to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.

Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd Lt’s; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

RAF Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what’s on Sky.
4. Ask “what is a gunfight?”
5. Request more funding from Government with a “killer” Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine ‘key’ MPs; invite MOD & defence industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets “strategic” and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tea-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

Royal Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink rum


3. Deploy Marines

Sunday 7 April 2013

Pi in the sky?

Ponder this.


Spooky or what?

3.14159265359…………………………………… (And the rest)

Saturday 6 April 2013

A birthday party.

Not mine I may add. I’m too old for that sort of thing.

It was for my second grandson’s first birthday, held at my daughters house. Unfortunately I was driving and limited myself to a bottle of beer only.

The trouble with that is I now have a household of drunks staying the night at FE towers.

What should I do? Well I could throw them out in the streets, but being a kindly sort of person I’ll be generous and let them stay.

In fact I think I might have to try and catch up with them, just so they feel at home. I wouldn’t want them to feel awkward.




Friday 5 April 2013


There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.


"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."  

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

"But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

Thursday 4 April 2013

What are these Aliens?

Poetry in motion? I think not.

The Aliens have Landed
Imposing in there hundreds,
Such an army on display,
Those alien grey metal monsters
I saw while on my way.
Aliens on our shores have landed,
So tall, backs straight and true,
At night they watch through flashing eyes
Of red, at me and you.
Some have scaled the mountains,
Others near schools and homes,
Of one thing I am certain,
Those aliens have no souls.
No “whispering” from their ranks at all,
An unearthly sound they make,
It envelops each and everyone,
No more can humans take.
Three giant arms revolving,
Enveloping all around,
They’re here to ‘save the planet’,
The biggest “con” I have found.
Such hideous tall grey monsters,
Invade green and pleasant lands,
To stay for generations,
Unless the people make a stand.
These aliens feed on power and wind,
Without either, they will die,
They’re NOT environmental friendly,
They’re for profit, (at a cost), that’s WHY.

Wind Turbines.

Wednesday 3 April 2013


It beggars belief that he shows no remorse.

Vile product of Welfare UK: Man who bred 17 babies by five women to milk benefits system is guilty of killing six of them

He treated his 17 sons and daughters like cash cows – generating a staggering benefits income of £60,000 a year.

Yesterday, Mick Philpott remained shameless to the last.

The drug-taking layabout, who embodies everything that is wrong with the welfare state, was still smiling even after being convicted of killing six of his children.


Tuesday 2 April 2013

The airport run.

Tomorrow I’m off to Heathrow to pick up my daughter and her husband, who’ve just been on a belated honeymoon to New York. The one thing I hate about that journey is not the going there, it’s the knowing that I’ve got to do the Journey back. At least it will be very early in the morning when the business traffic knows the road and the traffic runs efficiently,fast, and in my mind safely.

Contrast that with travelling on the same stretch of motorway on a Sunday around midday. That journey fills me with dread. There seems to be a plethora of shiny clean rover 25’s and 45’s that seem to have absolutely no idea of motorway driving.

Driver 1: Middle lane user’s club. I will not drive more than 45 MPH, even if the lorries are overtaking me in the inside lane.

Driver 2: I shalt only overtake in the outside lane at 68 MPH because I won’t break the speed limit for one second.

Driver 3: I’m so busy talking, arguing, gesticulating, that I’ve not realised that thou shall not pull out without looking in my mirror.

I should have none of that tomorrow.

Also hopefully the contents in the bag clutched by my daughter in the pic below is a diamond encrusted Rolex for me.


Somehow I doubt it. As a babysitter for her son, “I’m worth it”.