Google analytics

Wednesday 31 October 2012

Trick or a treat

This is what I’m putting on the outside of my front door tonight.

trick or treat

And this is what I shall put on the inside.


I’ll have to try not to look at the bottom one.

Tuesday 30 October 2012

Are you sitting comfortably?

Then I’ll begin.

The other day I was in my daughter’s car with her driving and my one year old grandson in the back. After much general small talk the conversation turned to their upcoming holiday in the Canaries. The only part that my daughter expressed concern about was having her son on her lap for up to seven hours.

At that I remarked lighheartedly that they shouldn’t be so tight and should have bought a seat for their son. I was wrong. Apparently airlines do not allow children of his age to have a seat of their own. For safety reasons.

This struck me as very odd. If my daughter was to ride in my car with her son sitting on her lap we would most likely be prosecuted for child abuse/ reckless endangerment/ or attempted murder of a minor, etc.(Pick crime of your choice). We’d probably end up in a maximum security prison in this strange day and age.n E

Of course my daughter would do any such thing as she has a state of the art car seat which fits all modern cars. All modern cars have an Isofix system specifically design for the quick and secure fitting of these seats.

My point is that as parents of a child this age will be taking their car seat/ push chair with them to their holiday resort. Why the fuck aren’t the aircraft seats fitted with Isofix?

Too expensive? No. Especially if I was a budget airline owner I could coin in the cash.

Just insist, in the interest of safety, all children would have to be seated in an isofix seat. Of course you would still have to pay for the airline seat. They could also rent out the isofix seat to you for a huge small fee.

After all if the PTB consider it dangerous for a child not to be suitably restrained in a car at 30 Mph, then surely it makes sense that a child should be suitably restrained in an aircraft doing 500 Mph.

PS Ryanair and Easyjet. This is my idea. Gimmee ten percent of the profit you make.

Monday 29 October 2012

The flip side of a cordless drill

The driver is looking really, really, impatient.

Next time use a lower torque setting.

Sunday 28 October 2012

Stoptober. The success story.

Well no actually. I didn’t smoke for the equivalent of approximately ten days.

Then again I’ve always found that either the ciggie goes out when I’m trying to sleep or that  Mrs FE gets seriously annoyed at me pissing on the bed sheets to put the fire out.

Joking aside there is the law of unintended consequences.

This is what the Tobacco Control industry ahs to say.

Stoptober, backed by Cancer Research UK and the British Heart Foundation, hopes a united effort will help many of England's eight million smokers to quit successfully.

Research shows people who stop smoking for 28 days are five times more likely to stay smoke-free.

Smokers who join Stoptober are given free support to help them quit, including a mobile phone app that can monitor quitters' progress and offer daily motivational texts to keep them on track.

Ok, Those week willed people might stop and save money.

However this could derail the Tobacco Control Industry’s desire to smash those evil Tobacco companies.

But perhaps smokers looking for somewhere sensible to stick their new cash - which would have been spent on fags - could invest it in tobacco companies' shares?

Ethical? Maybe not, but tobacco has long been recognised as a solid performer in terms of gaining returns, particularly during times of economic stress - typical returns range from 7% to 16%.

Charles Stanley's tobacco analyst, Tina Cook, told Huffington Post UK that tobacco companies make for a good investment as its strong industry pricing power has continued to more than offset the smaller volumes of sales despite the challenging economic conditions

"The sector boasts strong defensive qualities, global reach, and secure dividends underpinned by robust cash flows," she added.

"A recent surge in news flow around tighter tobacco legislation in mature markets has been negative, witnessed by recent share price underperformance, but growth continues to be fuelled by increased trading in emerging markets."

FE larfs like a drain at the irony of the situation.

I actually ordered one of their quit packages to see what was in it. A propaganda leaflet and an abysmal CD. Full of half truths and wishful thinking.

Almost as bad as my dentist who gave me a give up smoking, self hypnotism memory stick which urged me to quit. In the end I had to smoke twice as much to purge the droning liturgy from my head.

Saturday 27 October 2012


I’m just about to pick up my niece from Gatwick shortly.

Rather than trust the airport to give me correct/incorrect arrival time, I use a very nifty little programme called flightradar24. This allows me to track the progress of a flight in real time.

For instance at this moment her flight is at 38,000 ft and travelling at 442 kts, and on a course off 332 deg.

When it gets to Paris I shall jump into the car and head to the airport.

Just thought you might be interested.

Friday 26 October 2012

Water proof cigarettes are not approved.

Not even ASH could beat this for pure stupidity.


I’m actually very disappointed with the Tobacco control Industry. I’ve seen very few showings of their Stoptober advert. Look come on you Tossers, you’ve only got five days to cure me of my filthy habit. I’m so worried about that, I think I’ll have to have a cigarette to alleviate the stress.

Update courtesy of Anon


Thursday 25 October 2012



I’m babysitting all day so posting will be light. I’m just taking the opportunity to make a few essential upgrades to my laptop.









Wednesday 24 October 2012

Fifty shades of grey? Err No.

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards......forwards then backwards......back and forth.........back and and and out.

Her heart was now pounding faster, her face flushed as she moaned, softly at first........then she began to groan louder! Finally.....totally exhausted she let out an almighty scream!!!

"Ok, Ok! I can't park the f**kin car! You do it you smug ba**ard!!"

Tuesday 23 October 2012

My Smartphone

It has a good battery life as long as you don’t use the flash.


Monday 22 October 2012

The humble Blogger

Donna Laframboise pens an interesting article about how the sceptical Blogger will eventually defeat the the vastly wealthy big guns of AGW proponents.

Of course the AGW’s spread disinformation about us sceptical bloggers because they think that we are the same as them.

Another day, another smarmy accusation that [click each word for a separate example] people who are skeptical of climate change are being funded by a shadowy conspiracy connected in one manner or another to big oil, big coal, big tobacco or – horror of horrors – right-wing think tanks.

However she rightly points out that your humble bloggers against the premise of AGW, are mostly self funded. operating without any outside support.

Compare and contrast to how independent individuals of utterly modest means from all over the world currently behave. They sign up to a service like (which is owned by Google) and, within a few hours at most, for no cost whatsoever, have launched themselves as a blogger. Alternatively, for well under $10 in hosting fees a month, they can publish their own website.

For no money, therefore, climate skeptics in the early 21st century are in a position to theoretically communicate online with as many people as is Greenpeace. From their basements and their attics, in often non-trendy geographical locations, it isn’t their funding that matters – it’s their skill sets.

In that last sentence she sums up with who these dastardly bloggers are.

In my case I was a marine engineer for 43 years. Over that time as an engineer I learnt to deal in hard facts. If I repaired machinery, I had to make sure I did it correctly. If someone had observed my work practise and computer modelled it, with the result that I had carried out the work with a 90% chance of the machinery working I would probably have hit him.

If you’re on a ship, you have to get it right, not 90% right. People die with that sort of reasoning.

Us sceptical bloggers are I think like a swarm of bees with no queen. You can swat one but the others will sting you.

Go on read her article.

I'll Trust That One Other Dentist, Thanks...

Just a thought.

I'll Trust That One Other Dentist, Thanks...

Sunday 21 October 2012

The Blonde Pilot..


This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead”. “And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud  and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground.  I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem”.

'Now, just take a deep breath.  Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says,  "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... 

"Repeat after me:   Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ...."

Saturday 20 October 2012

If this is true…..

Then Obama is toast.

American drones were in the skies above the U.S. consulate in Benghazi as the deadly attack that killed ambassador Christopher Stevens unfolded, it has been revealed.

Defense department officials considered sending troops in to rescue the ambassador and staff, according to CBS News, but ultimately decided not to .

They would haven been able to watch the attack on-screen as it unfolded.

And other paragraphs are even more damning.

The revelations came a day after it emerged that U.S. Ambassador Christopher Stevens repeatedly pleaded with the State Department to ramp up his security team in Libya -- requests that the Pentagon ultimately denied -- in the weeks, days and hours leading up to the terrorist attack that killed him and three other Americans, newly released cables have revealed.


The letter claims that Obama had a political motivation in rejecting Stevens' security requests, since the president was eager to show improving conditions in Libya after the U.S.-led international operation that toppled Libya dictator Moamar Gadhafi.

It just goes to show that Obama was more interested in his presidential campaign than in actually protecting his countrymen. It’s an indictment of the new political class in the modern day. All they they seek is the holding of high office. No thought of serving their country.

Of course we have the same self serving clique in the UK, whether they be Cameron, Clegg, or Milliband. All they can see, is the vision of crossing the threshold into No.10 and nothing more.

I want to see more than “soundbite” politics. I want to see a real conviction politician running our country. The problem I see is that these Westminster bubble class and the MSM really aren’t attuned to the reality that is suffered by the population as a whole.

We need a Prime Minister that refuses to listen to his advisors’ thought for the day, and actually spends some time thinking about it. Then have the guts to say “That’s shite”, You’re fired” 

Sadly I thing I’ll be dead before I see it happen.   

DONATIONS. Give generously.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Friday 19 October 2012

Ring Ring.

The sound of my house phone calling me. A quick look at the number on the screen, and I ignored it as it was not a number I recognised. I surmised it was probably someone trying to sell me double glazing/loft insulation/tell me I had £3670 of miss sold PPI/or I could benefit from solar panels. (Pick your choice).

A few seconds later my mobile rang.

Me: “Hellooooow?”

Caller: “Hi favourite Uncle, This is your favourite Niece”

Me: “Bugger off. I haven’t got one”

Caller: “Yes you have. It’s me ****”. (name obscured to protect you from the spawn of satan).

Me: “Oh hi ****”.

****: “Dear favourite Uncle (suspicion is starting to set in), can I pretty please, come up and see you on saturday?”

Me: “Oh that would be fine, look forward to seeing you”. What time will you be up”.

****: Afternoon.

Me: Ok. See you then.

****: “Can you do me a little favour”?

I now realise I’m about to be sucker punched.

Me: “And what would that be?

****: “Would it be possible that you could take me to Gatwick on Sunday”?

Me: “What time”?

****: “6.30”

Me: “ That’ll be fine. We can have lunch and then have plenty of time to get there.

****: “No dear Uncle, 6.30 in the morning.”

Me: “That’s Ok we can get there in plenty of time if we leave here at six”

****: “No dear favourite Uncle, the flight leaves at 0630. I need to be there at 0430” .

Me:  (realising the horror of it, and having been  played like a pike in a pond) . Meekly replies, “OK”.

The likely outcome:

The Devil’s spawn Favourite Niece will spend Saturday night drinking copious quantities of wine on Saturday night with Mrs FE with the consequence that there will be a flat panic when the devil’s spawn Niece is having to be literally tipped out of bed late in order to have a chance of catching her flight.

The upshot is, in the near future, you will read about a driver who was banned from driving for three years for overtaking a police car on the M23, being clocked at 143 MPH.

Oh and she want’s me to pick her up on her return.

****. If you are reading this. Could I be jesting? Or not?

Do reply if you read this post.

The answer is in the tags.

Wednesday 17 October 2012

Ban them, Ban them.

Idiot policemen.

What’s the difference between a samurai sword and a blind person’s white stick?

One’s curved and shiny and the other is straight and white.

A police force has apologised to a blind grandfather who was shot in the back with a 50,000-volt Taser stun gun after officers mistook his white stick for a samurai sword.

Two-time stroke-victim Colin Farmer, 61, said he thought he was being attacked by muggers when he was hit with the weapon by the officer, who then handcuffed the retired company director as he fell to the ground.

I think a change in the law is in order here.

The Officers in charge at this incident be given white sticks, and Mr Farmer to be given a shiny samurai sword to protect him from those idiots.

I can see it in my future where I’m gunned down for trudging back from my local shop carrying a lime, to go in a gin and tonic, and being reported to the plod for having a grenade.

The idiocy of the Lancs police is unbelievable. How many samurai sword owners walk down the street tip tapping their swords along the curb?

Another point is at what time was he a threat to them? They tasered him from behind. Were they expecting some lightening Kung Fu manoeuvre?


What really worries me is that more and more of our  plod want to be issued with fire arms. If they can’t be trusted to with a taser, then God help us if they are given weapons that are designed to kill.

I think they need to be reminded of Peelian principle numbers six and seven.

Police use physical force to the extent necessary to secure observance of the law or to restore order only when the exercise of persuasion, advice, and warning is found to be insufficient.

Police, at all times, should maintain a relationship with the public that gives reality to the historic tradition that the police are the public and the public are the police; the police being only members of the public who are paid to give full-time attention to duties which are incumbent upon every citizen in the interests of community welfare and existence.

One of my remedies is that every police officer should be tasered every month to provide community cohesion.

And to reinforce it for the lower ranks, chief constables to be shot with firearms every quarter. That would cut down the police wage bill.

Good night all. Have a crime free evening.

The things facebook won’t tell uou



Tuesday 16 October 2012

Fifty Shades of Grey (hair)

More poetry for you to muse on.
My missus bought a paperback
In Asda…… Saturday,
I had a look inside the bag
T’was "Fifty Shades of Grey"

Well I just left her to it, see,
And went off up to bed
An hour later, she appeared
Oh the sight filled me with dread!

In her hand she held a rope
The other, held a whip!
She brandished them around a bit
And then began to strip….

Well forty years or so, ago,
I might have had a peek
But Doris hasn’t weathered well
She’s sixty-eight next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind
Couldn’t be much grimmer…
And things progressed from bad to worse
She toppled off her Zimmer !

She struggled back up to her feet,
A good half hour later,
Put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her !!!

Now if you knew our Doris, see,
You’d know just why I cringed.
I’d been two months in traction, cos
My hips and knees unhinged.

She stood there nude. All naked, like,
Bent forward quite a bit…. and
Jumping back in fright I went
And stood on her left tit.

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My word. What HAD I done ?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
"Step on the OTHER one !!!"

Well reader, I can tell no more
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Black and blue, battered too,
With wanton, wild perversion,
We decided that a night of sin
Was scarce worth such exertion
Thank Heavens she has binned the book
And peace reigns, like before.
She’s head to toe in winceyette
And back to back, we snore………...

Monday 15 October 2012

The Plane Truth...


Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet", or defect report, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. (It nearly did have one after an engine failed and disabled the fly by wire computer system a year or so ago).

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny...........
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one
saved for last ..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Funny that?

A few weeks ago during the ministerial reshuffle, the slant at DECC moved from a warmist position to a more sceptical one.

Could it be that the government had been warned of this report from the MET office quietly published this week? Global warming stopped 16 years ago, reveals Met Office report quietly released... and here is the chart to prove it

  • The figures reveal that from the beginning of 1997 until August 2012 there was no discernible rise in aggregate global temperatures
  • This means that the ‘pause’ in global warming has now lasted for about the same time as the previous period when temperatures rose, 1980 to 1996

graph warming not

Read the whole article. It’s quite damning.

Ps. I nipped over to the warmist Blog Desmogblog to try to warn them of this heresy. Surprise Surprise. Their Email registers a fault when I try to send them the link to the article in question.

Headless and chickens comes to mind.

Sunday 14 October 2012

Poetry in motion (sort of).

I have a little Sat-Nav
It sits there in my car
A Sat-Nav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Sat-Nav
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Sat-Nav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the fuckin’ thing off.

Saturday 13 October 2012

Tele sales.

Today I went to the pub with Mrs FE to meet my daughter, her husband, and my grandson, for lunch.

Between courses I was trudging around outside pushing my teething grandson’s buggy around the car park when my mobile rang.

It was from my service provider. At first I groaned inwardly that maybe the message hasn’t been passed, that I’ve already had at least ten of their staff informing me that I’m due a new handset. Luckily that was not the case. That message seems to have got through to them at last.

No, this nice gentleman was trying to gain control of my other means of communication. My landline.

The spiel began.

Firstly he started of with how I could save money on the call charges (free minutes, free weekend calls, etc), anyway after this babbling from his prepared speech,  he actually asked how much I spend per month on calls in the UK. He was quite thrown off his quest when I told him that it was usually less than £1. He was silent for a while. he did recover with how I could have free world wide cheap calls. Again he was at a loss when I replied “Why should I need that service when I don’t know anyone abroad”. (I was nearly feeling sorry for him at this time). *Snigger*

Secondly he went down the internet route. If I changed to them I would be supplied with a top of the range router for free. I responded with the reply that I’ve already got a router, thank you very much. (Desperation on his part set in). “Our Router Mr FE is state of the art and is worth £800”. (Now I’m a member of Which?, and I know that my router is nearly top of the list and the one he quoted is near the bottom). He was starting to lose it, when I suggested , could I have the router without the solid gold case then? It all started to fall apart further when he stated his staggering low cost of line rental and other charges.

Throughout this call I’d been totting up the cost of his package, and being someone who in this day can actually do mental arithmetic, I had to have a quiet smile.

His day finally fell apart when I informed him that he was actually trying to sell me a package that was £2 MORE EXPENSIVE than I had at present. Hah.

So Orange, If you have a rep that has been found hanging from a rafter with a note saying TFE made me do it.

Don’t ring me when I’m in the pub.

(It didn’t help him when I kept migrating my handset close to my screaming grandson).

WHO IS THE ODD MAN OUT - and more importantly - WHY??


Lord Stevenson: FORMER chairman, HBOS

Sir Fred Goodwin:
FORMER chief executive, RBS

Andy Hornby:
FORMER chief executive, HBOS

Sir Tom McKillop:
FORMER chairman, RBS

John McFall MP:
FORMER chairman of Treasury Select Committee

Alastair Darling:
FORMER Chancellor of the Exchequer

Gordon Brown:
FORMER Prime Minister and former Chancellor of the Exchequer

Sir Terry Wogan:
FORMER presenter of Radio 2's Breakfast Show

IF you're thinking

Sir Terry Wogan,
THEN you're right.
However, the reason may surprise you...


Terry Wogan is the only one out of this motley crew who actually holds ANY formal banking qualification.
Worrying, isn't it! ---------------------------------------

Friday 12 October 2012


answering machine

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep. Beeeeeppp ...

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner or taking us to the theatre, start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

Thursday 11 October 2012

Wednesday 10 October 2012

Going to war on a shoe string.

The date is 2003 and yours truly was off to Iraq. My vessel of choice (Actually no choice) was the RFA Argus.

The Argus was a containership that was bought and converted to carry out two roles. The primary role was to perform as a helicopter training ship, to enable pilots to practise all sorts of evolutions before deploying to various naval vessels.

The secondary role was to undertake the job of Primary casualty receiving ship. Number one hanger had been converted into a state of the art, hundred bed hospital.

In their wisdom the PTB had neglected or ill thought out a number of items of immense interest to me. After all, avoiding premature death is in my own interest.

The vessel was supposed to be able to survive a chemical attack. As the assistant NBCDO (Nuclear, Biological, Chemical warfare, and Damage control Officer), it was my responsibility to rectify any defects.

One primary defence against NBC is to pressurise the inside of the ship by drawing in filtered air and closing all doors and ports (Windows).

There was only one slight problem with this. This converted merchant ship had hundreds of opening ports and doors. After days and days of sealing openings with gaffer tape and tins of expanding foam my staff(Two), plus a bored surgeon Captain, finally managed to achieve pressurisation.

The second defence is to pre-wet the ship. This is done by having pop up nozzles supplied from the ship’s High pressure salt water main, to spray the ship’s outside to wash off any contaminants. This was operated by zonal air operated master valves controlled from the NBCD control room. Solved. After crawling around trying to trace the pneumatic piping for leaks, I finally traced the fault. The master pneumatic supply pipe had never actually been connected to a source of compressed air. A bodge up comprising rubber hose and fittings, sorted out another cockup.

Another item of concern was the emergency generator fitted to supply the hospital. One of our ships that was being disposed off was the source of the generator. The problem that reared it’s ugly head was it’s generating capacity was too great. The hospital’s max capacity being 200 kw and the generator’s max being 1.2 Mw. Resulting in an oil change after a week’s running at light load. Now, if it was me under the knife on the operating table, I wouldn’t want the surgeons to be in darkness for four hours. Fix, a temporary load bank was wired in to the circuit. Good one you say. Nope. This was a piece of kit bolted onto the deck, just forward of the funnel, designed to use kilowatts and turn them into heat.  Every heat seeking missile in the world would have thought Christmas had come early.

As I noted before, the hospital complex was most certainly state of the art with two operating theatres, sterilisers, and oxygen. Whoah. Where does the oxygen come from? Well. some bright spark had an oxygen making plant situated, complete with storage bottles, directly above the hospital, just under the flight deck. Just imagine a bomb hitting that!

And finally (And I’m sure you’ll be pleased about that).

You remember those pneumatically operated pre-wet valves. The control valves were mounted in NBCD HQ. When the appropriate pre-wet valve was in the correct position, the control valve would vent into NBCD HQ. Of course the design fault here was that the air was from an unfiltered compressor situated in the main machinery space. A quick fix, which Apollo 13 would by proud, involved more duct tape and a plethora of S10 respirator canisters.

The Moral of the story is:

How the fuck did this pass muster for ten years or so, seeing that there is a supposedly fool proof computerised programme to do away with this negligence?

Tuesday 9 October 2012

Confession in Modern Age

Lancashire teenager sentenced to three months in prison after posting 'abhorrent' jokes about missing girl on Facebook

A teenager who posted explicit comments and jokes about April Jones on his Facebook page has been jailed for 12 weeks.

Matthew Woods, 19, from Chorley, Lancashire, made comments about April and Madeleine McCann, the three-year-old who went missing during a family holiday in Portugal in 2007.

This how he was dobbed in.


Saturday 6 October 2012

The day after 2014.

It would seem that successive governments have totally fucked up (Not unusual), their energy policies.

Green rules coming from the EU threaten to plunge Britain into 1970s-style blackouts in three years and lead to energy bills doubling.

Millions could be pushed into fuel poverty – having to choose between heating or eating – because Brussels diktats are closing power stations needlessly, the Government’s energy regulator warned yesterday.

The plants that remain in Britain will not be able to keep up with demand by winter 2015, a dire report from Ofgem predicted.

Each successive government has tried to out-green the last one, which unless this strategy is quickly reversed, will result in rolling blackouts.

Those born after the 1970’s will not realise what misery that caused at the time.

Imagine if you will, in the middle of winter, the electricity in your home is switched off for eight hours in the evening.

No lighting.

No electric cooker.

No kettle.

No central heating

No TV.

No power to sterilise your baby’s bottle.

No hot water for your shower.

No washing machine.

No internet shopping, facebook, E-mail, etc.

Just add all other devices that rely on electricity.

Personally I would relish the fact just to see a few of the new greens dying in their beds. I’m lucky in that I have a very large fireplace and will stockpile logs in the eventuality that blackouts are threatened.

I would also suggest buying a portable generator to power the central heating, and low powered electrical items.

And stock up with candles.


Cameron for Obama


Thursday 4 October 2012


Put the cake down and stand away now!

A father sparked a security alert at Stansted Airport after the birthday cake he was carrying for his son tested positive for explosives.

I’d like to know how an X-ray machine could show up a cake as “suspicious” though? The offending confectionary.


And they even go further.

'They found the chocolate Caterpillar cake inside my bag and swabbed the inside of the bag and put it into a little machine.

'That’s when it ended up going bleep and the customs officer said it had found traces of explosives.

'Everything was tested but it was just the cake box that was testing positive for traces of explosives.'

Mr Barrett was ushered into a room and ordered to produce his passport and strip off some clothing as more checks were done.


I dread it if he had been carrying Jelly. It might be classed as Jellynite.

Wednesday 3 October 2012

Coz she’s worth it.

A new ten pound note due to be released next year as a limited edition from this blog only.

ten pounds

Surely she’s worth more than a tenner.

Send money to:

The Filthy Engineer Towers

You’vebeenscammed Lane

Somewhere in the UK


Price: £10. P/P £666

Don’t try this at home.

I always wondered why my daughter went to this university.

Tuesday 2 October 2012

Day two of Stoptober

It’s not working yet.

Come on the health lobby. You must do better. Coz I’m still smoking.

Fifty shades of grey.

For men.


Monday 1 October 2012

Hurrah. It’s……….

Stoptober. (Bugger off, spellchecker, this is nothing to do with you. Get back in the closet).

Today we’ll see a new campaign exhort us smoking plebs (Oooh er, Did I just use a naughty word there?), to stop smoking for the month of  October.

Look you wankers in public health, and assorted fake charities such as ASH. I‘ve put up with National No Smoking day (I buy an extra pack on that day), but I’m seriously pissed off with the thought of the mindless drivel that we are going to be subjected to in the coming month.

Here’s a taster of that mindless drivel (Be sick if you wish).

Why should I stop? After all I’m contributing a fortune to the exchequer via excise duties. I’ve just done a quick calculation (On the back of a fag packet. Natch), that I’ve paid at least £35,000 in NI payments throughout my life, and still paying out of my pension. In that period I’ve had exactly five days off sick. I also  pay for private medical care and dentistry.

What is it with the Nu puritans who think that everyone has to conform to a state run norm? Are you trying to turn the country into some marxist, state run regime, only allowing the health fanatic elite to travel the Zil lanes to a supposed healthist utopia?

Well you can try, but you will fail with this smoker. I couldn’t give a shit about your silly games. I refuse to bow down to the nanny state.

What are you going to do about it?

Here’s my answer.


Our Navy fit for the 21st century.

How long before the description below comes true?


The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless.

The Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from EU headquarters in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be named
HMS Empathy,
HMS Circumspect,
HMS Nervous,
HMS Timorous
HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.  The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access.

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.

Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability.

Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime!

All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in.

Also out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water.*

Condoms can be obtained from the Boatswain in a variety of flavours.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor".

All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille.

Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities.
The Union Flag has already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.

Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal
immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules.

*The start of the slippery slope.