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Monday, 15 October 2012

The Plane Truth...


Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet", or defect report, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. (It nearly did have one after an engine failed and disabled the fly by wire computer system a year or so ago).

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny...........
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one
saved for last ..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


  1. "Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane"

    Cobblers - any damn fool can fly a plane, it's the subsequent landing which takes real skill...

  2. "Unfamiliar noise from no.2 engine."
    "No.2 engine 30 minutes ground run - noise now familiar."

  3. amusing but how would these answers sound in court with a judge looking on.
    Making jokes can be costly later on

  4. Only if you let fools write the bill.

  5. OMG...hilarious post..

  6. I've seen this in a more original form about fighter jets.

    After all, how many Quantas planes have target radars?

  7. @ TimD, you wouldn't happen to be one of those pilots would you? At best I can see you have had a university education, compared to me, who didn't even finish high school. Qantas. Acronym for Queensland And Northern Territory Air Service.


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