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Tuesday 31 December 2013

And that’s how the fight started……


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.

Happy New Year.

Monday 23 December 2013

Have yourself a Merry……. Elf ‘n safetee


During the Winter holiday season, all personnel and visitors are requested to note the following:

Please be advised that all persons planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Unlicensed carriers will be reported to the local licensing authority, and fixed penalties will be applied. Horses are liable to seizure by animal protection should Inspectors deem that overloading has occurred.

Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. All resultant manure must be collected and disposed of in the appropriate recycle facility. Seat restraints must be worn.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.

While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The Angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around he/she must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory. Untrained personnel are restricted from this activity.

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages.

It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Such gifts must be declared in advance on page 193 of personal tax declarations. Being a King, regardless of qualification, does not qualify for exemption.

Furthermore, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions. These must be supervised by an appropriately trained First Aider prior to receipt.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed; Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

Merry Christmas,
Risk Management Team

*Nicked from Bill Sticker who nicked it from someone else*

Friday 20 December 2013

Friday 13 December 2013

Amazon out of control.

Not the female kind, the retailer kind.

It’s not the ordering that’s at fault, it’s the delivery. I ordered four items yesterday and was given delivery forecasts for all four, of an estimated delivery slot of between the 17th and 21st. Now that’s a bad enough forecast in itself. Am I supposed to stay in for five days in a row? I think with all their money they are making, they can do better than that. However that’s not my point. Two items arrived this morning, four days adrift of the estimated delivery dates.

Does this mean that I have to stay at home for NINE bloody days now. I suggest that they tell their outside suppliers the delivery forecast dates and get them to adhere by them.

I personally think that they are in danger of losing customer satisfaction if they can’t buck up with their ludicrous forecasts.

Incidentally if Tesco’s, can not only name the day and give a two hour delivery slot in that day, then why can’t Amazon at the very least name a specific day.

Amazon. You’re pissing me off.

Thursday 12 December 2013

Santa Claus: An engineer's perspective:


I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th. of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second < 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the Oflying¹ reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them; Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance < this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth¹s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion Joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in a milli-second, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 G¹s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

(Shamelessly knicked from the comments @  Head Rambles

Wednesday 11 December 2013

Christmas surprise


I wonder if Ryanair will take note.

Sunday 8 December 2013

Silly me.

At the moment this computer I’m writing my usual drivel on is situated on a table in the kitchen. This is because Mrs FE doesn’t like the sound of keys clicking and me swearing at the monitor, whilst she’s watching the X Factor. ( personally I think my screaming sounds better than any of the X Factor contestants).

However the computer has to be re-sited elsewhere as Mrs FE wants one of those big American fridges to take it’s place. A new venue has been found in a small bedroom, but a new desk will be required.

I’ve just spent an inordinately length of time scouring the internet for a suitable table to fit in the space allotted and was up to page 32 on  Amazon and beginning to despair at finding one suitable for my needs.

You’re probably wondering why that should be a problem? The answer is I was trying to find one with a shelf to hold my rather large printer. Could I find one with a suitable shelf? Yes of course I could, but I’m not paying £450 fucking quid for a desk!

Just in case I might find one eventually with a shelf I decided to measure the dimensions of the printer. Immediately I realised what a fuckwit I was. On top of this new printer was a small glowing blue icon in the form of a transmitting antenna. I’d completely forgotten that this new printer was WiFI and therefore doesn’t need to be near the computer at all.

Mind you Mrs FE and myself will never agree where the printer will have to be sited. (I wonder if it’ll fit on top of the fridge freezer?)

A plus side as pointed out by my kids and their partners. is the existing larder fridge can now become a dedicated ready use beer fridge.

I’ll drink to that.

Friday 6 December 2013

Sign language.

Below is a simple set of chalked shapes. These shapes are used by a gang of burglars in Surrey to classify which properties are worth the risk of breaking into. So if you live in leafy Surrey it’s worth checking to see if you have any strange chalk marks on the front of your house. (I’m looking at you, Huw and Lizi).


A public service announcement from The Filthy Engineer

Thursday 5 December 2013

Wind turbines are……..

Crap. Today when we actually have some wind, most of the turbines are stationary. As an example this pic shows the output for a wind farm in Kent, rated capacity 59.8 MW. Look at what it’s producing. Sweet EFF all. In fact it is probably using power to enable the turbines to rotate slowly to protect the gearboxes from damage.


Temperature outside is 3 deg C at the moment.


Monday 2 December 2013

Street Lighting

My local council is considering dimming or even switching some of the county’s street lights to save money. A position that I don’t think they have thought through.


All that happens in a simple dimming system is that you exchange lots of light and heat for less light and loads more heat. This defeats the object of saving power.

An ordinary resistor is a piece of material that doesn't conduct electrical current well -- it offers a lot of resistance to moving electrical charge. A variable resistor consists of a piece of resistive material, a stationary contact arm and a moving contact arm.

As the charge works to move through the resistor, energy is lost in the form of heat. When you put a resistor in a series circuit, the resistor's energy consumption causes a voltage drop in the circuit, decreasing the energy available to other loads (the light bulb, for example). Decreased voltage across the light bulb reduces its light output.

The problem with this solution is that you end up using a lot of energy to heat the resistor, which doesn't help you light up the room but still costs you. In addition to be being inefficient, these switches tend to be cumbersome and potentially dangerous, since the variable resistor releases a substantial amount of heat.

TFE note: There are no, dimmers fitted in my area as there was never considered  any justifiable cost.

Switching off:

Apart from the obvious dangers of  the running down of pedestrians on a more regular basis, there may be legal ramifications. Consider the 30 MPH speed limit in towns, villages and cities. There is more than just the signage to consider.


The Beak: “Mr Filthy Engineer. You were stopped for exceeding the 30 MPH speed limit. How do you plead?”

TFE: “Not guilty”.

(Stunned silence in court as everyone rushes out to get popcorn.)

TB: “Please state your reason for your plea as we have the statement from two Officers that you were at the time exceeding the limit”.

TFE: “I didn’t know there was a limit, your honour. I’ve never driven through that area before”.

TB: “Didn’t you see the sign”?

TFE: “Maybe that was when I had a sneezing fit.”

TB: “But didn’t you see the street lights?”

TFE: “There were no street lights”.

TB: “How can you say that? They are clearly visible”.

TFE: “Not when it’s raining, dark, and it’s a cloudy night. AND the bloody things are switched off”.

TB: (Consults clerk) “Case dismissed”.


Now to deliver.

\i must stop droning on about deliveries.


Wednesday 27 November 2013

Lies, damn lies, and fiddled statistics.

“Science is not always a neutral, disinterested search for knowledge, although it may often seem that way to the outsider. Sometimes the story can be very different.”

This should be required reading for all those rabid anti smokers out there.

How times change.

Smoking and health have been the subject of argument since tobacco was introduced to Europe in the sixteenth century. King James I was a pioneer antismoker. In 1604 he declared that smoking was "a custome lothsome to the eye, hatefull to the Nose, harmefull to the braine, dangerous to the Lungs, and in the blacke stinking fume thereof, neerest resembling the horrible Stigian smoke of the pit that is bottomelesse." But like many a politician since, he decided that taxing tobacco was a more sensible option than banning it.

By the end of the century general opinion had changed. The Royal College of Physicians of London promoted smoking for its benefits to health and advised which brands were best. Smoking was compulsory in schools. An Eton schoolboy later recalled that "he was never whipped so much in his life as he was one morning for not smoking". As recently as 1942 Price’s textbook of medicine recommended smoking to relieve asthma.

The times they were a changing (Apology to Bob Dylan).

Then we had the Doll and Hill study.

These strong opinions for and against smoking were not supported by much evidence either way until 1950 when Richard Doll and Bradford Hill showed that smokers seemed more likely to develop lung cancer.

But were their study results correct?

Sir Ronald Fisher, arguably the greatest statistician of the 20th century, had noticed a bizarre anomaly in their results. Doll and Hill had asked their subjects if they inhaled. Fisher showed that men who inhaled were significantly less likely to develop lung cancer than non-inhalers. As Fisher said, "even equality would be a fair knock-out for the theory that smoke in the lung causes cancer."

I’m not going to further plagiarise the document but suggest that smokers and anti smokers both have a read of the article. I think as an antismoker you may be disturbed, if not slightly guilty about your persecution of smokers. I leave you with this:

But the continuation of Hammond’s work, with its demonstrated faulty methodology, was used by the Australian authors to deduce that smoking causes premature death to the extent of 17,800 per year in Australia. Their conclusions should be compared with the results of a survey by the Australian Statistician in 1991 of 22,200 households, chosen at random. This showed "long term conditions", including cancer and heart disease, to be more common in non-smokers than smokers.


Saturday 23 November 2013

Where there’s a will there’s an allotment.

My local railway station is about a mile and a quarter from any main habitation and is situated out in the open country. I always thought it a bit strange that all the country lanes in walking distance from the station had double yellow lines on both sides of the road. Go more than a mile and you’ll never see double yellows anywhere.

Anyhoo. The station has a large car park that charges the princely sum of £5.50 per day to catch an expensive train to London. If for instance you commute for 48 weeks of the year it’ll cost you the princely sum of £1,320 to park your motor.

However a local entrepreneur came up with a clever solution to make money and deny it to the owners of the station car park.

The solution was to buy a large field and get planning for allotments. Of course he charges the allotment holders a rent of £500 per year. Rip of, you say. Well, actually no. Because the crux of the matter is that each allotment holder has a dedicated parking space!

It means that if you’re a keen gardener you can save £820 per year.

Mind you, I find it quite strange to see cars leaving the allotments in the evening with the owners dressed in suits. Obviously very up market gardeners.

Wednesday 13 November 2013

Tuesday 12 November 2013

Disaster Relief in the Philippines.

Watching the BBC news at six tonight I realised that the Beeb has no idea of the complexities involved, All they seemed to do was wail *Something must be done” & “Won’t someone think of the Cheeeldren”.

Before any relief can be given you need, above all, information of what is required, and where. It’s pointless transporting five tons of rice to a town, and then finding that they have a warehouse full of the stuff and what they really need is the water to cook it.

Then you need to find a way to get it there. We always see pics of military helicopters buzzing around and presume that that is the way to do it. Apart from the fact that the Philippines is unlikely to have a vast armada of serviceable helicopters, they usually can lift very little of use.

In the case of the Philippines the only realistic means is by road and sea. Of course the roads will need to be cleared to enable the trucks to drive down them.

So the armchair wailers at the BEEB should think before they pontificate.

And before anyone sneers and say what right does TFE to comment on these matters? My reply is. Seen it and done it.

A number of years ago I ran a team of 30 tasked with rebuilding essential services on Jamaica after it was hit by a hurricane. I had two tasks whilst I was there. Firstly to put the roof back on the Kingston General Hospital (I remember using my management skills on the Chief Executive at the beginning of that little project. It’s amazing how they suddenly let you know their priorities when you have them against their office wall pinned by a hand round their neck).

The second project was more rewarding. A polio rehabilitation centre for kids out in the hills. On this project we had to re roof it, restore power and water. clear debris and carry out a comprehensive clean up.

So I know a little about disaster relief.

Oh and just as an aside. I was interviewed by five TV and radio stations. Guess who got lost trying to find the rehab centre? Starts with a B.

Monday 11 November 2013

Responsible citizen


Whilst strolling alongside the  River Medway this morning I noticed a Muslim extremist slip from the riverbank and fall into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.

Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Service.

It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet responded. I'm starting to think I wasted three stamps.

Sunday 10 November 2013

A pittance of time

It’s that time of year that we honour the fallen. I’m posting this early just so those in times zones different to the UK can appreciate the sentiment.

Personally I feel it’s important to remember those that have fallen in the service of this country, and also those that have fallen to make the world a better place.

If we can’t be bothered to remember and salute them then we will surely lose our humanity.

About the writer of the song

The Taliban and other fundamental butchers are excluded from consideration. May they rot in hell.

Friday 8 November 2013

I’m alive.

Sorry for not posting for a while but I caught a cold. May I add, no ordinary cold.

This cold (caught from a grandchild) has had me laid low for the last couple of weeks. One day I’d start to feel better, the next day I’d feel worse. It’s been a case of having one of those nagging headaches that makes you run screaming from a computer screen. It’ was also the case that just trying to get to bed caused me to almost collapse on the bed because my lungs refused to play ball. For some perverse reason they seemed to reject the food of life, Oxygen.

The only remedy that settled my fevered brow was not high strength anti- biotics , but Leggie’s tonic. Whisky.

I must say that after a couple of weeks of non blogging, it’s quite difficult to get back into the swing of it. Then again when you get to my age, everything takes time.

Monday 28 October 2013

You have been warned.

Mission creep, or the domino effect.


An abridged list of policies that have been proposed in the name of ‘public health’ in recent months includes: minimum pricing for alcohol, plain packaging for tobacco, a 20 per cent tax on fizzy drinks, a fat tax, a sugar tax, a fine for not being a member of a gym, graphic warnings on bottles of alcohol, a tax on some foods, subsidies on other foods, a ban on the sale of hot food to children before 5pm, a ban on anyone born after the year 2000 ever buying tobacco, a ban on multi-bag packs of crisps, a ban on packed lunches, a complete ban on alcohol advertising, a ban on electronic cigarettes, a ban on menthol cigarettes, a ban on large servings of fizzy drinks, a ban on parents taking their kids to school by car, and a ban on advertising any product whatsoever to children.

An excellent article in the online journal, Spiked, written By Christopher Snowden on the slippery slope into more Public Health control of our lives.

Read the whole article HERE.




Thursday 24 October 2013

Husband of the year awards

The honourable mention goes to:
The  United Kingdom


followed closely by....
The  United States of America


and then...


but  3rd Place must go to...


it was very very close but the runner up prize
was awarded to....


but the winner of the husband/partner of the  year is.

You’ve got to love the Irish.
The Irish are true romantics.look, he's even holding her hand...


Tuesday 22 October 2013

Well done Piers.

Piers Corbyn runs the Weather Action, weather prediction site. See how he dismembers  the UN IPCC Vth Assessment Report - Discussion at Royal Society 2-3 Oct 2013 the Royal societies position on man made global warming.

I admit he’s not the most dynamic of speakers, but he is a true scientist. And of course his predictions regularly shame the UK Met Office.

Saturday 19 October 2013

Is this the real cause of the rise in Lung Cancer?

If so this should frighten the living daylights out of the Antismoking fake charities such as ASH.

The question to be asked is this:

Are Diesels More Dangerous than Cigarettes as a Cause of Lung Cancer?

I’ve written this post as the WHO have just come out of the closet and admitted that outdoor air pollution is maybe the main cause of lung cancer.

A major environmental health problem

Air pollution is already known to increase risks for a wide range of diseases, such as respiratory and heart diseases. Studies indicate that in recent years exposure levels have increased significantly in some parts of the world, particularly in rapidly industrializing countries with large populations. The most recent data indicate that in 2010, 223 000 deaths from lung cancer worldwide resulted from air pollution.

The most widespread environmental carcinogen

“The air we breathe has become polluted with a mixture of cancer-causing substances,” says Dr Kurt Straif, Head of the IARC Monographs Section. “We now know that outdoor air pollution is not only a major risk to health in general, but also a leading environmental cause of cancer deaths.”

 However a research scientist  came up with a study in 1998 which if was true should have turned the prevailing orthodoxy on it’s head about cigarette smoking.

Here is a few facts from her work:

  • tobacco smoke contains no carcinogens, while diesel fumes contain four known carcinogens;
  • that lung cancer is rare in rural areas, but common in towns;
  • that cancers are more prevalent along the routes of motorways;
  • that the incidence of lung cancer has doubled in non-smokers over past decades;
  • and that there was less lung cancer when we, as a nation, smoked more.

And even more damning is her summary.

"Since the effect of the anti-smoking campaign has been to prevent the genuine cause from being publicly acknowledged, there is a very real sense in which we could say that the main reason for those 30,000 deaths a year from lung cancer is the anti-smoking campaign itself".

Over to you ASH.

Friday 18 October 2013

The Dead Cow Lecture

dead cow

This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard.

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. Note: I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

Thursday 17 October 2013


This is the illiberal twat that is really responsible for pushing up your energy bills with green subsidies. This is the day British Gas announces an increase in a duel fuel bill by 9.2 percent.

At about 1min 45 in on the vid he bareface lies, stating that before 2011 there were no other company that was offering cheaper energy than British Gas. Well this blogger left BG some 10 years ago and always managed to obtain cheaper energy by shopping around.

 It's no good blaming the energy companies for this. They've been forced to compete against inefficient, subsidised, green technology. They have to compete with onshore bird mincer subsidies to the tune of £100/Mw hr, and offshore at £150/Mw hr.

EG: See how much a wind farm is producing to see the inneficiency of wind.

It's producing just 18.3244% of it's rated capacity.

They've also been forced to pay for loft insulation, cavity wall insulation, etc, for their customers. No wonder the price of energy is rocketing.

DISCLAIMER: The FE household has not applied for loft insulation or cavity wall insulation. The reason being that he has no loft or cavity walls. (In fact I would be loathe to have cavity wall insulation as it can in the long run do serious damage to your home. (If you doubt this. See me after school).

As title of this post reminds you.

Fucking Tosser.

Monday 14 October 2013

I hate……….



My predictions.

Ozone created  by electric cars now killing millions.

White minorities still trying to  have English recognised as the UK 's
third language.

Children from  two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in
schools for being  'different'. Tolerance urged.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not  wearing a Burqa.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale  meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet are  unemployed.

UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels  taste like
whale meat.

Britain now has ten Universities of Political  Correctness.
Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go  in the
fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain's deficit  £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return
to surplus in 100years which is 300 years ahead of time.

Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Iran  still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years
before  radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help  after being taken over by Islamic
No other country comes  forward.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as  US
President in 2052.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £19 and  reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten-year, £75.8  billion study commissioned by the Labour
Party, scientists prove diet and  exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of a British male  drops to 18 stone.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates  their civil and
human rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for  crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine  feet,
seven inches.

New law requires that all nail clippers,  screwdrivers, fly swatters
and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by  January 2051 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in  decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford  win FA Cup Final, beating Hindu  Hornets 4-1.

Sunday 13 October 2013



I know I'm not going to understand women
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

Monday 7 October 2013

If it saves one child. Etc, Etc,Etc.


You know how the righteous use that phrase to try and ban everything.

Firstly, I'd like to know who this one child is that keeps getting its life saved. It's either enormously lucky, or a stupid little toe-rag.

Probably the latter – it does keep getting into these scrapes that it has to be rescued from. If someone can let me know the little *******'s name and address, I'll undertake to go round and put it permanently out of our misery.

Sunday 6 October 2013

All is not what it seems

There is an elephant in the room sky.


Apparently this was uploaded by the street artist “Banksy”.

Saturday 5 October 2013

So this is why………..

they have wind farms.

two fingers

I’m mean they are useless at producing energy when you need it.


Little Cheyne court (In Kent) is at this moment producing 290 kW. The rated capacity is 59.8 MW. Or less than half of one percent of the rated capacity. Try the interactive map if you’re not convinced of the uselessness of these follies..

When are the politicians of all colours going to wake up and realise that they’ve been taken for a bunch of fools?

Wednesday 2 October 2013


They should have thought about the consequences first. But then green idealists think that everyone lives in the same fluffy bunny world as them.
Greenpeace crew members detained in Russian jails for two months over their open-sea protest against Arctic oil drilling are "close to shock" over their conditions, a rights activist said Tuesday.
And poor dears.
The activists have complained of cold cells and a lack of suitable clothing and food, said Irina Paikacheva, the head of a state-connected regional prisoners' rights watchdog.
And as a smoker that is being denormalised by the state I laughed till I was nearly too out of breath to have a smoke.
Several non-smoking activists also complain of being placed in cells with chain-smokers.
But more crap here.
A young Finnish female activist is a vegan and unable to eat prison food, Paikacheva said, adding that prison officials had denied her request for vitamins to be delivered to her.
Being a vegan is a choice not a necessity in life
Under Russian law, prisoners have to hand in their watches and wear shoes without laces. The Finnish activist lacks a thyroid gland and needs to take medicine regularly -- hard to do without a watch.
Utter bollocks. My son has no thyroid. He just has to take one tablet in the morning, and one in the evening.
Pampered twats, the lot of them. The rest of us live in the real world,

Saturday 28 September 2013

Well he tried.


we buy any car

I don’t think that Mr Jennings has a sense of humour.

PS. Both my Grandkids have these.