Permission slip.

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,current medical report from your doctor and personal recommendation from your clergy.

NAME______________________

DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT_______ WEIGHT________ IQ______ BMI_________

NHI #___________

DRIVERS LICENSE #__________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS____________________

CITY___________ POST CODE______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A camper with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?

______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend
___________________________________________________

How often you attend
________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
Vicar? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
____________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
____________________________________________________

C: A woman’s place is in the:
____________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
____________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
____________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE,  & RED HOT POKERS.

_________________________________________________________
Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

__________________________________________

Mother’s Signature _________________________

Father’s Signature___________________________

Vicar/Priest/Rabbi_________________________ 

MP/Council Member________________________

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

NOTE: Do NOT apply if you haven’t read the rules here.

Now from wind to Solar

Ever been accosted by a solar power salesman and advised that solar panels on your roof will save you a fortune on your energy bill? Well I’ve just had one of these charlatans cold call me. Luckily I remembered some facts and figures and sent him off with his tail between his legs

The facts and figures came from an article in The Indy a while back. The article was discussing research carried out by the Royal Institute of Chartered Surveyors on the feasibility of mast mounted wind turbines and Photovoltaic panels on private dwellings.

Now for all you greenies that might read this, and think that you must have one of those, try this for size.

Photovoltaic (PV) panels for power – and domestic, mast-mounted wind turbines – will take between 50 and 100 years to pay back.

Of course those most likely to gain from this idiocy spouted the usual nonsense.

The solar power industry accused Rics of failing to take account of the rising cost of energy and other financial benefits of renewable power in its figures. Jeremy Leggett, of Solar Century, said: "They are grossly irresponsible."

I must have saved someone some money from this article. That’s my good deed for the year day then.

Sandwell council. Again.

Sheila Martin, 70, was smoking at a bus stop when a warden pounced and handed her the £75 fixed penalty for……………

What offence did she commit?

Mugged a child for his/her sweetie money?

Spitting?

Feeding the ducks? (This has already happened in Sandwell)

Farting in public?

Taking photographs?

Assaulting a traffic warden?

Running her house keys down the side of a bus?

I could go on.

No she dropped her cigarette ash. Not her cigarette, just the ASH.

What’s more because she refuses to pay the penalty she could face a fine of £2,500.

When will they butt out of our lives? sanctimonious pricks.