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Thursday 13 October 2011

Oh, for crying out loud.

That’s if you’re a highly paid police officer.

A Met Police officer has been signed off sick with a 'broken heart' for four months after being dumped by a married colleague, it was claimed today.

The detective is believed to have been left devastated when her lover went back to his estranged wife.

Is a “Broken Heart” now become an illness?

If she wants time off, it should be unpaid leave. I received four days off when my father died. In that time I had to fly home, arrange the funeral, attend the funeral, and fly back.

The mother-of-one was apparently signed off on full pay with stress and failed to return to her £45,000-a-year job.

Ah I see.

This new disease called “stress” has afflicted her. I would say “grow a pair”, but obviously she is incapable.

It begs the question. Are our Police service fit for purpose?

if it was stress caused by investigating a truly gruesome murder, then maybe I could understand it.

But for FFS she was only having an affair with a married man!

My stress level has reached breaking point , so a large whisky is required.

Not tonight

I was going to try an attempt a serious post tonight. I’ll give you this instead.



A woman was proudly driving her 'pubic beetle' until the police arrested her after a series of accidents.

The court ruled that her car was creating a dangerous situation on the roads.

It was ruled that she had to paint-over her car's hood









You don't suppose the other drivers were driving along saying 'Twat the hell was that??'

It's a good thing she was picked up by the fuzz....
OK, enough with the cracks now!!


1. A man comes into the ER and yells....'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. .. ....  I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. .... . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one?'..  I asked. 'The patch' he replied...
'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .....
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-  Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . .. ' So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste'.  Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting  a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It  was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.  When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . .. ......' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry... had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ....... 1 MORE

Baby's First Doctor Visit

-A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam..
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.