Google analytics

Thursday 31 January 2013

A wheel fell off!

If you're into special airplanes even a little, here is a video I’m sure you’ll enjoy if you haven't seen it.  These guys do a remarkable job getting their aircraft back on the ground with a minimal amount of damage.  It could have very easily gone the other way.  Also, notice early in the video there is a sequence showing a F-111 dumping fuel with the afterburners on lighting up the night sky.  Something a little unique to the F-111.

The Australians flew the F-111 a lot longer than the USA Air Force.  The airplane was originally designed to land on a carrier deck so the gear structure is very strong.  Even landing on a long runway you just maintain 10 degrees angle of attack until the runway stops your descent.  Because this is the way the airplane was designed to be landed it felt just fine inside the airplane, but for an observer outside the aircraft it looked like you forgot to flare and really clobbered the landing.

  I don't know if metal fatigue was a factor in this accident but they are fortunate the wheel fell off upon liftoff and not while accelerating down the runway in full afterburner.  Using the tail hook to catch the arresting cable was a great idea, as you will see.  Arresting wires on runways are not like the ones on the flight deck of a carrier.  They provide less resistance and let you decelerate over about a 900 ft. range, something you wouldn't have room to do on a carrier.


Bugger that for a game of soldiers. Mind you, bearing in mind the pilot had very little experience, he did bloody well.

Tuesday 29 January 2013


I was just wondering if those scanners at American airports are really designed to re-programme the citizen’s mind to accept a left leaning ideology.

A relation of mine emigrated to the USA a few years ago to be near his family. Before he left he was of the same political stance as Margaret Thatcher. A believer in a smaller state and less state interference in our daily lives.

The other day he phoned for a chat to see how his relations over here were bearing up. Of course a general chit chat ensued.

However I was astounded when we started on the subject of healthcare (Brought on by discussing the health of a couple of elderly relatives),  he started extolling the virtues of Obamacare and likening it to our “Marvellous” NHS. Of course I’m a tactful sort of person and did try to explain that the NHS has grown into a money devouring monster that is pauperising the nation. I also pointed out that if you feel ill, don’t expect to get a doctor’s appointment for several days, you certainly won’t find a doctor to come out to visit out of hours, and forget about a doctor at the weekend.

The subject was subtly changed to the good old stalwart. The weather. Here again I was surprised. He launched into a tirade about how we should reduce our carbon emissions to save the world from global warming, citing droughts in the mid west of the USA and Hurricanes on the west coast.

Of course I (tactfully)  pointed out that weather is not climate, and in fact the drought in the mid west last year was far less severe than that suffered in the 1930’s. I also pointed out that major hurricanes in the last decade have seen a decline .

He has bought into the green propaganda and insisted that the science is settled on the subject of catastrophic global warming. I countered (tactfully) with the fact that the globe has stopped warming for the last 15 years and may stay the same for at least a further five years according to the Met Office.

I wonder if he will ring me again?

Monday 28 January 2013

Is the Government insulated from reality?


Today is the day that the Government’s new strategy to drive people into paying large sums of money for turning their own houses green. Today is the start of the “Green deal”.

This little paragraph shows how it is to be achieved. (I don’t normally read the Guardian).

You need a green-deal assessor who works for a green-deal adviser organisation to undertake a green-deal assessment of your house, which will result in a green-deal advisory report. This will be lodged with a green-deal provider who will devise a green-deal plan. The work will then be undertaken by a green-deal installer to standards overseen by the new green-deal oversight body.”

Which brings me to the question. How qualified are these green deal assessors? And of course how much will the administration cost? (A topic for another day)

Not very well in I would suspect. The course is for three days only and this is what they cover.

EPC Training offers a 3 days fast track Domestic Energy Assessment training course including Free Green Deal Registration which can also be taught over 3 successive weekends for those with busy schedules and other commitments. The training course is based around the Level 3 DEA City & Guilds Diploma and is suitable for those with no previous experience of the energy or construction sector.

What does the DEA training course include?
  • 3 days classroom based training covering all aspects of domestic energy assessment
  • City & Guilds registration and assessment fees
  • Free Green Deal Registration
  • Train on RDSAP software to produce a Domestic EPC
  • Live property assessments
  • All training manuals and follow up technical support
  • Refreshments throughout the course

Note that it is only three days for all of the above and those that have no experience in energy or construction. In that case anyone with little or no experience in materials can apply.

I suspect the assessor will be armed with a clipboard with a form containg simple questions which will not accurately assess the property in question.

For instance:

Has the property got loft insulation?

In my case the answer would be NO, and my property would be down rated. However my house does not have a loft although the roof has been well insulated when I had the roof renewed.

Has the property cavity walls?

In my case No. However they are of double brick construction of superior brick. I’m sure in their three day course the assessors don’t get taught any of the science required to evaluate the heat transfer rate through my walls. (I remember spending at least two days being taught heat transfer through materials).

Does the property have double glazing?

Will they actually inspect it thoroughly? When double glazing was in it’s infancy, most was of a pretty poor standard compared with today. But Hay Hoh, another box ticked.

Does the house have a fireplace?

Quick tick to mark the property down. However in my case, I have a balloon in the flue to seal it off when the fireplace is not in use. Will they ask me? Probably not.

Well, you get the gist. But not is all bad. At least they get free refreshments whilst they’re on the course.

Of course once the householder has the certificate they can then apply for a loan to cover the improvements to be installed.

Will it be explained properly, that the loan stays with the house rather than the current owner? I hope so. How many selling their property a couple of years later, find that potential buyers shy off when they realise that they are being saddled with someone else's loan?

I fear that it will end in tears for some. The whole scheme is predicated on the presumption that the energy saved will allow the householder to pay back the loan. However the Government is set on course to continue massive green policies, involving heavily subsidised Bird Mincers Wind turbines and photo voltaic panels, and that the energy costs will most assuredly be going on the up for the foreseeable future. (Some estimates suggest an increase of £700 by the end of this decade).

In my opinion, this may drive some well meaning households into fuel poverty by then.

Mind you vast amounts of right thinking persons have signed up to the “Green deal” so it must be me that’s wrong.

Err. As of last week the huge sum of TWO was reported. Mind you, this week the take up, had increased exponentially to FIVE.

Well that’s me done for the night. Talk amongst yourselves. I’m off for another whisky and a ciggie.

Sunday 27 January 2013

That American National debt.

Please think of the Children.

If only the yanks would see how they’ve been sold down the river. And don’t forget that our Children will be indebted unless our Government reduces the National debt as well.

Thursday 24 January 2013

Plain packaging waffle

The video below is of our Chief Medical Officer being questioned before a select committee. From what I see in the video I'm surprised how she ever got to that position. She tries to submit to the Members of the Committee that plain packaging of cigarettes in Australia has been a success.

A bit further she is picked up on this assertion and asked that surely it can't be proved as the plain packaging law has only been effect for eleven weeks. She further digs the hole deeper by stating that it was on the say so of the Permanent Secretary of the Australian Department Of Health. As if that were scientific evidence

She doesn't know what she's talking about. Silly old bag.

H/T to Hands off our packs


Wednesday 23 January 2013

How to track illegal immigrants.


Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby over 20 years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

Just the ramblings of a madman.

More Islamist scum


Monday 21 January 2013

The scum in our midst.

It truly has to be seen to be believed.

All in the meantime, our politicians and the MSM just try to censor us by invoking laws that allow these foul creatures to hide behind citing “racial prejudice” or “religious hate crime”. What our ruling elite don’t seem to comprehend is that Islam is not a race or religion, it’s an ideology. An ideology that wishes to take over the world by any means.

Algeria anyone?

Incidentally I think that the Algerian forces were quite right to storm the refinery. They knew that if they didn’t most probably the hostages would have been killed anyway.

You can’t reason with a fanatic who is convinced that his God will reward him, come what may.

Attempted murder.

The most frightening click you’ll ever hear.

I bet he wishes he hadn’t tried that. I’m sure he didn’t expect the kicking he got. personally I think that all British politicians deserve a bit of a kicking. It might knock some sense into them. Then again I doubt it would register in their Neanderthal brains

Sunday 20 January 2013

I never understood……..

……The Naval stores ordering system. As some of my readers have guessed by now, I worked at sea in a paramilitary capacity. Of course this meant that we had the misfortune to use the same system for ordering stores as the Royal Navy.

It ranks in my mind, as one of the most badly managed organisations of all. Though you must bear in mind that it appeared to be run by bureaucrats for bureaucrats. It was certainly not designed to be cost effective or end user friendly.

Imagine if you will, that you’re an engineer and you want to order a 7/16 whitworth nut to replace a defective one. In a normal spares catalogue used by the normally sane world you would expect to find it as 7/16 whitworth nut, steel. Simples. Not in naval stores (NS).

What you would find is pages of “Nut, machine”. No further information being available. Each one would have a unique 10 digit number. Often engineers would resort to ordering one of each. That could run into hundreds of unwanted nuts sitting around in workshop drawers for years. (often till the ship was scrapped). Spanners to fit those nuts had equally vague descriptions. “Spanner, crescent”, or “Spanner, Ring”.

Just a couple more examples of the idiotic naming of common or garden items.

The commonly known hose clamp or jubilee clip used to secure the ends of rubber hoses was given the name “Clamp, hose, wormdrive”. Or the common or garden, known throughout the world, “O-ring”, was designated with the name “Ring Sealing, Toroidal. Even more obscure was the simple “Olive” used in plumbing compression fittings. So obscure in fact that after 43 years I used to resort to buying them in B & Q using my own money.

Denomination of quantity (D of Q). This was something you had to get right. It could be a singleton, dozens, or even miles. Woe betide you if you got it wrong.

On one ship I was on, the Supply officer considered we were short of the humble sausage. Just to check if there was anything missing from his order of diverse  culinary delights, he asked his Chief cook to check his order. The Chief Cook tried to explain that the D of Q was wrong but was told that he was only the minion, and should get back to the galley where he belonged.

Imagine the shock horror of the Supply Officer when a Forty foot refrigerated container turned up with rather a lot of sausages. (The factory producing them had actually had to go on special overtime to fulfil the order).

Packaging. Or to give it it’s full name. “Nato Standard Packaging”.

Now if I ordered 100 13 Amp. domestic fuses I would expect them to turn up in a common or garden Jiffy bag. Not from NS. Each one is wrapped in green greasy packaging in a plastic heat sealed bag. Then wrapped in corrugated cardboard, and finally packaged in a 3” cardboard box, liberally secured with vast amounts of brown sticky tape. Result: Small pile of fuses on the table and a full bin bag of packaging.

Even sales of unwanted items were in my mind badly mishandled. (Another department that hasn’t a clue).

Imagine if you will.

“One small fleet tanker, full service history, one lady owner (Her Maj), never raced or rallied. £5M ONO.

Bear in mind that this vessel had just recently had a £1M refit, you would think that the price was very reasonable. Even though the on-board spares (£1/4M) and the ICIS military communications suite (£1M) was not included in the price. When we were selling the vessel the cost of building a similar vessel at the time would have been at least £25M.

It was sold to the Portuguese for £1.2M, complete with all spares and the ICIS, and £0.5M of cargo thrown in.

It’s time departments like these were put out to pasture and normal commercial practices employed.

Just as an aside, a standard three pin socket cost £13. (In 1996). And did you know that you can still order “Scissors, lamp trimming”. Fuck me,  haven’t they realised yet that ships now use the new electrick lite.

Having heard today that 5,300 soldiers are going to be dismissed from the army, maybe culling 5,300 civil servants working for NS, might save a shed load more money for the exchequer.

It's snow joke.

Sorry about the title.

It looks like I'll have to be up at the crack of dawn tomorrow to dig the car out of the snow. After all Mrs FE must go to work to earn money to keep me in the style I'm accustomed to. As that nice Mr Cameron keeps saying. "It's the right thing to do". (Mrs FE going to work that is).

Friday 18 January 2013

Burger anyone?

I’m sorry, but I couldn’t resist the following.

Reading the label on these Tesco burgers.... it turns out they're fairly low in fat, but surprisingly high in Shergar

New range of burger elsewhere too - my Lidl Pony

Had a burger last night from Tesco's - gave me the trots

Bought some value hamburgers from Tesco last night, put them in the fridge, and they're off....

Despite the recent news, Tesco's say that their beef burger sales remain stable.

I've got no problem with Tesco burgers, it's the quarter pandas that worry me

I was in a Tesco cafe the other day. The waitress asked if I wanted anything on my burger. I said £5 each way.

I can't believe this has been allowed to happen. I think it's time someone new took the reins at Tesco.

It's been tough working on the meat counter in Tesco this week....I feel like I'm a flogging a dead horse

Horse meat in Tesco burgers......what's the odds on that

Just been shopping in Tesco got a bottle of Bacardi, bottle of Lambs, and some that white rum navy rum and red rum

Had some burgers from Tesco for tea last night.....still got a bit between my teeth

Tesco have launched a new bap to go with their burgers .....thorough bread.


And finally.







A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly
asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his
religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time
of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music
which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched
off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab
asked him, "What are you doing? "The cabbie answered,
"In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so fuck off and wait
for a camel!"

Thursday 17 January 2013

Scotland against spin

A new site dedicated to fighting against the scourge of wind farms in Scotland. I don't live in Scotland, but I wish them the best in their fight.

Here is their mission statement:

Scotland Against Spin is the name of a new national alliance of anti-wind farm campaigners.

It was set up following the successful, very vocal, protest in Perth last October. That day made clear that people across Scotland had had enough of current government wind policy and were looking for a new, stronger initiative to support. People want the truth, deserve the truth and will fight to get the truth.

Scotland Against Spin is against the spin of the turbines, the spin of the developers, the spin of trade association Scottish Renewables and the spin of the Scottish Government. We will attack their spin in the media, with facts and demands for data relating to such statements, and strive to make the wider public aware of how they are funding such a deceitful industry.
A recent report (14th January 2013) stated that nearly 10,000 people felt so strongly against wind turbines that they have written to the Scottish Government to tell them so. Many more have objected to their local councils. Scotland Against Spin wants to reach out to the huge number of individuals, groups and activists across Scotland who are fighting wind developments where they live and in areas they care about.

To make this mission successful we need you all. Your expertise, experience and dogged determination are invaluable and will lead us to triumph over the injustice that is being forced upon us. We will lobby the government for a moratorium on further wind development until the facts regarding all issues have been independently scrutinised and the true data made public.
As an embryonic organisation our website is still under construction and the finer details have yet to be addressed. We wanted you to know that there is a dedicated team of experienced campaigners who are volunteering their time to bring this together so we can start making an impact against this destructive policy now!
Scotland Against Spin is going live on facebook and Twitter so feel free to join in and help spread the word that we are here and that we want everyone to join us. The more supporters we have, the more noise we can make and the sooner our politicians will be forced to act.

Please register with Scotland Against Spin here

Here is their web address

Wednesday 16 January 2013

A novel way to go to work.

It was November 1983 when the phone rang.

"Good morning FE, this is your appointer. I want you to join the RFA (Royal Fleet Auxiliary) Sir Percivale on the 11th of December. You'll need to fly out from RAF Brize Norton and join the ship at Ascension Island. Oh and bye the way you'll be joining as temporary acting 2nd Engineer Officer".

Now I wasn't going to refuse a pay rise so I answered in the affirmative, naval jargon.

"Oh Goody"

On the appointed date I caught the train to Swindon and after a coach ride from the Station, I duly arrived at Brize Norton, the evening before my flight was due to leave. There I was allocated senior officer accommodation (You don't have to share a bog standard two star bedroom). The following morning, after a hearty breakfast (Tea and Coffee), I repaired to the front desk and enquired when the coach would be leaving for the aircraft. The response being "Oh no Sir. We have a staff car waiting for you". (Oh goody, again). However a further surprise was awaiting.

On boarding the aircraft (A VC10), I found that I was going to be the only passenger. Now  you might think that's great, till I looked around to see what else was being transported. You'll never guess.

A fucking shed load of ammunition filling the rest of the plane. Obviously a no smoking flight. Damn.

With all this cargo of course, that meant that it would require a stop for fuel on the way. So after many hours of flight (We were late taking off anyway as the door wouldn't close without a lot of brute force) with myself flitting between peering at the labels on the cargo and and chatting to the flight crew up front, we arrived at our fuelling stop.

Dakar in Senegal.

By this time I was looking forward to the stop. Visions of cold beer and food had been floating before my eyes for some time. (Compo ration chicken curry is not my idea of airline food).

Not to be. Instead of the aircraft turning of the runway and heading for the terminal, it turned the  other way  and headed for the furthest point from the terminal and finally parked next to a smelly monsoon ditch. I was reliably informed by the flight crew that the Sengalese don't like their terminals disappearing caused by massive explosions from aircraft filled with ammunition.

Well at least we could get off and smoke. There was a mad rush down the portable steps when they arrived. I was first off due to pulling rank and off course being closer to the door helped. We didn't even stop smoking when a bowser started filling up the aircraft with aviation fuel.

Eventually having filled up with fuel, we set off on our final leg.

Finally we arrived at our destination without any big bangs and I was that little bit further on my journey.

After entering the airport building I was met by an RAF corporal who was there to take me to my next VIP accommodation for the night. After a quite dodgy journey in a very dodgy, seen better days, landrover I arrived at my quarters. This was an amazing device called a "Concertina". An american version of a portacabin which could be flatpacked for transit and then quickly erected when required. Of course being a yank construct it had lighting and air conditioning built in. Even a telephone.

After telling me that he'd pick me up at 0800 the corporal drove off in his even more dodgy landrover. I did hope he'd come by with four wheels and not three and one trying to emulate a mobius loop.

*I promise you the journey will end soon*

Dawn Broke.

Right on time my friendly corporal turned up and I loaded my suitcases in the back and we set off in the direction of the airfield. Of course I politely asked why we were setting off in this direction, when the jetty was in the opposite direction . To be politely informed by the driver, "Nah Sir, the swell is to great today, so you're going out by chopper" (Helicopter). ooh err.

On arriving at the Chopper landing area and unloading my gear I asked forementioned driver what I should do now? The reply came thus. "When you see a chopper landing just stick your thumb up and ask them to give you a lift". (Before you say bullshit, this was absolutely true at this time after the conflict).

So I did. To a sodding great Sea king.

Mistake. I should have waited for something a little smaller.

The reason being that a Sea King is too big to land on the flight deck of an LSL. (Landing Ship Logistic).

Now as you may have gathered, is that I'm an engineer by profession, and to fly in something that is held up by brute force, with the handling glide characteristics of a brick, is really not my idea of sustainable transportation. However the worst was to come.

After a few minutes I became suspicious when one of the flight crew started tieing  my suitcases together and playing abstractly with the winch. It finally dawned. I was going to be lowered down on a thin wire onto a rolling and pitching ship.

Oh shit.

Actually they didn't lower me onto the ship. They lowered me onto a 40' container on the deck of the ship. Normally the outgoing Engineer will give a handover, verbally and written to his relief, before leaving. You try doing that on top of a container with a multi horsepower egg beater hovering overhead.

That's enough for the night. maybe I'll write the sequel.  Penguins, Bofors gun, how I made millions a few quid from expenses, Gibraltar, how I lost a child? And much, much, more

Monday 14 January 2013


You’ll notice in the title that there’s only one ring. Not the usual two, as in Here and Here.

OMG. The front door bell has been operated!

Of course the time was about 11 O’clock this morning and yours truly was not expecting callers. The dustmen had been. Of course it might be a snatch squad from the council that have found that the bin contained radioactive waste (A defunct smoke alarm)( Ok it was in the green bin). Or it could have been the post girl arriving early with an unexpected parcel (unlikely).

Your host of this blog warily heads to the front door and sees through the frosted pane, two dark figures silhouetted.

After unlocking three locks, removing three chains, and four bolts your host gingerly peered out.

And what did I see?

Two women dressed for the cold and pushing buggies with semi comatose infants.

Just as I was about to cry, “Bugger off you begging Chavs, Jehovah’s witnesses, solar panel harpies, or wind turbine transvestites”. I realised the truth. Just in time. Only just*.

It was my daughters and their kids. They’d just been up to the local shop and thought they’d call in on their Dad. Thank God for my lightening reactions.

I think I’ll invest in CCTV.

 * This post would not haven been written as I expect that I would be residing in land fill by now.

Sunday 13 January 2013

Saturday 12 January 2013

At least someone has a sense of humour.

Official White House Response to Secure resources and funding, and begin construction of a Death Star by 2016.

This Isn't the Petition Response You're Looking For

By Paul Shawcross
The Administration shares your desire for job creation and a strong national defense, but a Death Star isn't on the horizon. Here are a few reasons:
  • The construction of the Death Star has been estimated to cost more than $850,000,000,000,000,000. We're working hard to reduce the deficit, not expand it.
  • The Administration does not support blowing up planets.
  • Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?
Full answer HERE

Friday 11 January 2013

Ring Ring.

And no it’s not my niece.

Me: (Gingerly picks up the phone as it is a number I don’t recognise) Hello?

Caller: Is that Mr FE?

Me: Speaking.

Caller: I hope you are well today (Why that should be any concern of there’s I don’t know).

Me: Well I’m suffering from the winter lurgy and hope this doesn’t get passed down the phone line to you (Smiles).

Caller: (Pause) Sorry to hear that but I’m interested if you'd be interested in our home energy improvements.

Next follows a pre-prepared script about the energy savings that could be obtained.

Me: Ok. Tell me more.

Caller: We can get a grant to help you install our loft installation.

Me: Great. Can you supply me with a loft to go with it? (I have a three story house which has no loft) 

Caller: (Long pause). You have no loft?

Me: Nope.

Caller: Ok. Can we interest you in cavity wall insulation?

Me: So you want to destroy the integrity of the structure of my house?

Caller: Not at all Sir.

Me: Explain why I should inject a substance that will negate the whole idea that a cavity wall is there to prevent damp passing from the exterior to the inside.?

Caller: (Longer pause).

Me: Don’t worry, I haven’t any cavity walls anyway..

Caller: (Now realising is he’s lost, tries one last gambit), Can we interest you in solar panels?.

Me: (By now I’ve lost the will to live) No. Unless you can guarantee me free power for twenty years with no expense to me.

Caller: Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, (Rings off)

That game



Wednesday 9 January 2013

Drugs. Lots of them.

Last night I was up late watching the idiot box and turned over and just watched a programme entailing the plod catching crims possessing small amounts of cocaine and other illegal substances. From what I gathered just a few grams was sufficient apparently to charge the owner with “intent to supply”.
A few grams. That’s nothing in my book.
A few years back, I was serving on the APT(N). (Atlantic Patrol Tanker(North)).
wave knight (1)
Our mission was four fold.
1. Protect British interests.
2. Disaster relief.

3. Anti drug operations.

4. Advanced guard for the invasion to take the USA back into British ownership. (Ok I made this one up, just to see if you are still awake.)
Our primary area of operations was the waters of the Caribbean, with our base in Barbados.
Most of our time that trip was taken up with option 3, the anti drugs operation. Most of the time working with American assets. Maritime patrol aircraft, The USCG, and the USN,
Apart from our usual on-board assets such as the ship’s weaponry, we also carried a boarding team from the USGG, a lynx helicopter, and some very secret listening equipment.

One day we were ordered out to sea to track and maybe intercept a couple of Contacts of interest (COI) heading out of the Caribbean.
After some days we closed with the first COI and proceeded to shadow it over night until daybreak. During this time we would launch the Lynx to scan the vessel with it’s thermal imaging system. Just before daybreak the Lynx would be launched and head to the COI and call for it to heave to (Stop). At the same time we would go to maximum speed and close with the COI as quickly as possible. Or so it's supposed to happen.

What actually happened is that the propulsion control was set to maximum, followed by a muffled bang, and a slowing to a stop by the vessel. We'd blown a thyristor in the synchroconvertor system. (This the electrickery that converts the AC electrical supply from the generators into DC supply required by the propulsion motors.). That's sod's law at it's best.

I can see your eyelids starting to droop. Wake up at the back. It's my blog and you will stay awake .

(God I'm a boring writer) I'm not sure I want to write anymore of this as I've got to proof read it.

Still here goes.

Finally after hasty repairs we launched the Lynx again and hastened in pursuit, finally closing with the COI of interest that had been stopped by a carefully aimed burst of machine gun fire across it's bow. by the door gunner in the Lynx.

Immediately we launched our Rigid Inflatable Boat (RIB) full to bursting with  heavily armed CG personnel who boarded the vessel. Although the vessel was suspicious in that it had rather more oil drums on deck for a fishing vessel, and a paucity of fishing gear, nothing was found. Although chemical swabs showed that there had been cocaine onboard at sometime. So after giving them some water (Actually in the spirit of seafarers everywhere we gave them a case of beer as well), we let them go.

Thinking that was that, we turned round and headed back to Barbados, thinking about the beach and Rum punches that they do so well there.

Think again. Shortly afterwards we were ordered to track another COI and board it. After carrying out the same procedure as before we boarded this vessel also (a bigger fishing vessel). And what did we find?

A small amount of Cocaine? Well if you can call 3.2 Metric Tonnes small. That is 3,200 kilos, or Three million, two hundred thousand grammes. Now that has a street value uncut, at $225,000,000.

Of course you would think that we should just have thrown the Cocaine overboard. No because the vessel was flagged to a foreign country by international agreement they had to decide what was to become of it.

So we eventually had to take it to (That's another story entirely) the country of origin , Venezuela. Which we did.

I suspect the cargo was turned round in short order and re-exported. (Why we didn't quietly sidle off and sell it and the our ship as a job lot on E bay I'll never know).

OI, wake up at the back, the story's over.

Socially Unacceptable Humour.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I returned to the charity shop to get all of her clothes back.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and
talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a
wheel chair."

At the Senior Citizens Centre they had a contest the other day. I lost
by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa ! Who knew?

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing
commonly found in cells. It appears that Blacks is not the correct
answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping centre, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new
bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they
drive slowly past schools.

A friend of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his
girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He
said, "Her brother's got a moustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on
Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing
I know, 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in
my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn,
you sick bastard."

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we would love to, but our
garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Monday 7 January 2013

Hits the nail on the head.


This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return. The HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question Do you have anyone dependant on you?

The man wrote:- "2.1 million illegal immigrants and counting, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 90,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 649 self serving lying ponces in our Parliament and the entire European Commission".

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was "Who did I miss out?".

Thursday 3 January 2013

I’m a champion. Apparently.

I received this heap of garbage in my E Mail this morning.

Dear Drink Wise online subscriber, (Ed: Never in a million years would I think of such a thing.)

2013 is set to be an important year setting the direction of alcohol policy nationally for many years to come.

As one of Drink Wise’s online subscribers and Alcohol Champions* we would like to hear some of your views through this very short online survey (no more than 2 minutes long!).

We look forward to your response.

The Drink Wise Team

Drink Wise

4th Floor, Dale House, 35 Dale Street, Manchester M1 2HF

T: 0161 233 7512

Well I gave them my response to their short questionnaire. They really shouldn’t include a box marked “Other”. Here’s the first page of the survey.

Which aspects of alcohol policy interest you? (you can tick as many answers that apply)

Tackling underage alcohol sales

Preventing underage binge drinking

Stopping alcohol advertising before 9pm on TV

Stopping alcohol advertising in cinemas to under-18's

Curbing the low prices of alcohol in supermarkets

Support the introduction of a minimum unit price for alcohol

Support setting a 50 pence minimum unit price level for alcohol

Reducing the opening hours of licensed premises

Reducing the number of licensed premises

Other (please specify) Go on. Go mad (I did). You know it makes sense to prod these Nu puritans.

I’m off two top my glass up with at least half of my so called ration of units.

* First I’ve heard of it.

I don’t think that you should do that.

A Darwin award in the making?chainsaw

Wednesday 2 January 2013

Billy No Mates

So the Anti smokers thought they would be able to populate pubs full of non smokers?

Didn’t see that coming did they?

Mind you where I live we all buy our drink from the Supermarket (Cos it’s cheaper) and drink in each other’s homes in comfort, enjoying each other’s company.