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Tuesday 31 January 2012

A shame

But it had to happen to a faithful friend.

I served in the ship pictured  below, eleven times.


As the first ship to sail into Stanley Harbour after the Argentinian surrender on June 14, 1982, Sir Percivale won a special place in the hearts of islanders and her crew.

And now:


Now, 28 years after Argentina invaded the Falklands, this once great servant of the Royal Fleet Auxiliary is dying by a thousand cuts.

Work on dismembering the rusting hulk in a Merseyside dry dock began in June and is already well under way.

Simon Capps, 35, sales manager of ship recycling company Leavesley International, said: ‘Many servicemen come to visit the ships we dismantle and shed a few tears.

‘All the steel goes off to China and eastern Europe and will probably come back as cars or even a can of beans in your cupboard.’ In her pomp the 5,674-tonne vessel could carry 500 troops and 50 crew.

Oh well, mustn’t dwell in the past.

ACTA: The new threat to the net

More prohibition on it’s way.

ACTA - a global treaty - could allow corporations to censor the Internet. Negotiated in secret by a small number of rich countries and corporate powers, it would set up a shadowy new anti-counterfeiting body to allow private interests to police everything that we do online and impose massive penalties -- even prison sentences -- against people they say have harmed their business.

If you want to make a stand sign the petition HERE

1,217,870 1,218,175  have signed. Help us get to our new target of 2,000,000.

Monday 30 January 2012

Fancy a curry?


Natal, South Africa, has the highest quota of Indians outside of India...
Natal curry contest.

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end.......

NOTE: If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in
Natal, you know how typical this is!

They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a
major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was
visiting from America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry
Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and so
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all
that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.


Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen,
the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg
woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I
fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice cream.


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage
that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report

H/T to Dave Wheeler.

Sunday 29 January 2012

This Cat needs drowning

The problem is that this cat is already drowning in government funding.

I was reading James Delingpole’s blog in the Torygraph when one supporter of the AGW scam mentioned certain reading. It was a so called environmental charity that I’d never heard of before

Centre for Alternative Technology

Britain's major centre for environmental inspiration and courses.

Of course you get the mindless newspeak confronting you:


Mission Statement

CAT is concerned with the search for globally sustainable, whole and ecologically sound technologies and ways of life.

Within this search the role of CAT is to explore and demonstrate a wide range of alternatives, communicating to other people the options for them to achieve positive change in their own lives.

This communication involves:

  • Inspiring - instilling the desire to change by practical example
  • Informing - feeding the desire to change by providing the most appropriate information
  • Enabling - providing effective and continuing support to put the change into practice.

CAT has a holistic approach to its work, integrating ideas and practice relating to land use, shelter, energy conservation and use, diet and health, waste management and recycling.

Through its resident community and work organisation, CAT is also committed to the implementation of co-operative principles and best achievable environmental practices.

As far as I’m concerned this is another fake charity trying to “nudge” us back to an agrarian society.


Of course these people will need to be funded and being of an enquiring mind I just sort of wandered around their site until I found this:

How is CAT funded ?

CAT receives almost no grant or government funding for its ongoing activities. It has received significant grants towards its new building, the Wales Institute for Sustainable Education, and for other projects. This capital funding is shown in the year end accounts of CAT Charity Limited, in addition to operating income.

But dig deeper and you find that they are somewhat economical with the truth in that statement.

This little part of a table in their accounts for 2009 exposes their little scam.



That adds up  to £1,617,256 out of their total funding of £2,124,398. Hardly what they state above in their funding statement?

This is not a charity, it’s a semi government funded Quango. I don’t object to charities, but if they can’t subsist on private charity, then they shouldn’t exist.

I also dug up that before 2006 there were only four categories of charity enshrined in law.

  1. the relief of poverty,
  2. the advancement of education,
  3. the advancement of religion, and
  4. other purposes considered beneficial to the community.

Bugger me, but how that has expanded. There are now 13. and guess what comes creeping in at number 9.

the advancement of environmental protection or improvement

How many are there of those so called charities that are only existing, by being fed from my hard one income and paid from my tax?

There is a need for a small department to be set up to strip these fake charities of their funding.

I’ll do the job for a small fee. (With bonuses of course)

it’s just climate


So they’re slowly capitulating.

The supposed ‘consensus’ on man-made global warming is facing an inconvenient challenge after the release of new temperature data showing the planet has not warmed for the past 15 years.

The figures suggest that we could even be heading for a mini ice age to rival the 70-year temperature drop that saw frost fairs held on the Thames in the 17th Century.

Based on readings from more than 30,000 measuring stations, the data was issued last week without fanfare by the Met Office and the University of East Anglia Climatic Research Unit. It confirms that the rising trend in world temperatures ended in 1997. (My embolden)

That was kept pretty quiet. The article goes on:

According to a paper issued last week by the Met Office, there is a  92 per cent chance that both Cycle 25 and those taking place in the following decades will be as weak as, or weaker than, the ‘Dalton minimum’ of 1790 to 1830. In this period, named after the meteorologist John Dalton, average temperatures in parts of Europe fell by 2C.

However, it is also possible that the new solar energy slump could be as deep as the ‘Maunder minimum’ (after astronomer Edward Maunder), between 1645 and 1715 in the coldest part of the ‘Little Ice Age’ when, as well as the Thames frost fairs, the canals of Holland froze solid.



Time to buy a new coat.

Only when it rains

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

  'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

  So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

  Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

  Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

  'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

  Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

  'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

  Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

  'Nope...just when it's raining.'

Saturday 28 January 2012

A prayer from the innocent

How sweet.

naked ladies


Non PC Joke

If you’ve read the warning sign at the top left side of the page and agree. Then carry on. If not, turn away now.

A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the
altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.

The pilot speaks over the intercom ... " I'm sorry it has come
to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to
jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne ".
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues
to decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do
this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to
start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this
Alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'"

"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no
answer so the pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on

Again silence.

" C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?"

Still there is silence.

A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his
mother and said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we

She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let
them do the Muslims first. If that don't work we is Zulus"......

Friday 27 January 2012

How dare they call me such a name!

The Guardian is running a quiz on how European you feel. Well not very, in my case.

Like 1% of respondents, you've been rated:


For you it's time to re-arm and settle some old scores.

You can’t win em all.

Why don’t you give it a go.

The end is Nigh.

And no I’m not a follower of this man


More scientists are realising that the climate change bandwagon is a scam, and  jumping off before the last wheel parts company.

A candidate for public office in any contemporary democracy may have to consider what, if anything, to do about "global warming." Candidates should understand that the oft-repeated claim that nearly all scientists demand that something dramatic be done to stop global warming is not true. In fact, a large and growing number of distinguished scientists and engineers do not agree that drastic actions on global warming are needed.

And why have they not jumped off the wagon before?

Although the number of publicly dissenting scientists is growing, many young scientists furtively say that while they also have serious doubts about the global-warming message, they are afraid to speak up for fear of not being promoted—or worse. They have good reason to worry. In 2003, Dr. Chris de Freitas, the editor of the journal Climate Research, dared to publish a peer-reviewed article with the politically incorrect (but factually correct) conclusion that the recent warming is not unusual in the context of climate changes over the past thousand years. The international warming establishment quickly mounted a determined campaign to have Dr. de Freitas removed from his editorial job and fired from his university position. Fortunately, Dr. de Freitas was able to keep his university job.

The whole article is HERE

Thursday 26 January 2012

Climate change

Just seen this again so thought I’d repost it.

Why do we still fund the BBC?



old man1

Wednesday 25 January 2012

Oh My!

Every now and again something like this comes along and is, well, a bit freaky. Simply stare at the red dot on the girl’s nose for 30 seconds, then turn to a blank wall and blink repeatedly and quickly and see what you see.


I’m off to consult a a head doctor.

H/T to

Tuesday 24 January 2012


They nearly got me.

Sign in to comment or create your Guardian account to join the conversation

I’d rather drink battery acid.

Violinist 5 Nokia 1

About 40 seconds in. You need moderate sound.

Rather than losing his temper, Kmit adapted the notorious Nokia theme, much to the delight of his audience.

Monday 23 January 2012

Birds and bees

boy and bear

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.  'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.

Swimming on top of the world

Pool on the 57th floor of Marina Bay Sands Casino In Singapore !

swimming on top

Be careful when you do the back stroke.

Sunday 22 January 2012

The law is bollocks


An Attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?

Where have you been?  Dinner is  cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.  The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had,  she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband,  bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed,  'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP'

Hat tip to David

Another smoker about to be jailed.

I think we all remember the case of the Publican, Nick Hogan who was jailed for allowing smoking in his pub. Well here is another member of the public who faces jail for smoking. The full details are over at Pat Nurse’s blog.

chris carter

Just £1250 will preserve his liberty. Go on visit pat’s blog and donate a quid or ten.

Saturday 21 January 2012

Beware of gadget gifts


It all began with an iPhone...
March was when our son celebrated his 23rd birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?


I celebrated my birthday in December, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.


Our daughter's birthday was also in December so we got her an iPod Touch.


My wife celebrated her birthday in January so I got her an iRon.


It was around then that the fight started...
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I should be out of the hospital next week!!


PS: iHurt!!

Costa Concordia and AIS

Reconstruction of the Costa Concordia Tragedy, Narration by John Konrad from on Vimeo.


To all teachers of English language, hold your breath
The following questions were set in last year's SAT examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Friday 20 January 2012


No matter what your job, you should always try and make the most of it.....


Thursday 19 January 2012

That envelope.


At 1655 (Five to five in the afternoon) today my son was summoned to his boss’s office. He was politely asked to sit down and after a few pleasantries was handed an envelope. What was in that envelope at that time of day? Could it be?

sackThe sack.

The boy however noticed that his boss had a smile on his face. (Of course it could have been an evil grin). My son opened the envelope to find…………………..To be continued.





The note inside informed dearly beloved son (Now I'm really being stupid), that he was getting a raise in salary. Of course in these straightened times you would expect a pittance. However he nearly fell off his chair. His salary was going to rise by 20%. (He’s not a banker bye the way).


I think the reason behind this is, that his superiors value his dedication to the project that he’s working on, and  reward accordingly.

Moral of this story:

If you work hard, you will be rewarded by private industry. If you don’t, you deserve to be sacked.

I wish it would happen in the public domain. One such illiberal springs to mind.

Don’t try this at home.


Wednesday 18 January 2012

Liberal. You must be joking.

This is about a blog post by the illiberal chair of the “All parliamentary group on smoking and health”. His blog post is about the push to plain packet cigarettes into our shops.

This morning I was pleased to help launch Europe’s first major campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of glitzy tobacco packaging to children.  The Coalition Government will shortly launch its consultation exercise on whether to follow the example of Australia and introduce the plain packaging of cigarettes.

Of course the commenters on his blog are totally supportive of this action he his so proud of.

Do go and read them. He is ever so slightly in the majority. (NOT).

He comes across as a typical politician that has found a band wagon to further his political career. Hopefully the wheels will fall off one day.

Do go and comment.

Tuesday 17 January 2012

Oh dear. Not more problems with Wind Turbines?

It seems that another little problem has cropped up with those pesky offshore Bird mincers, apart from already discovered:

Wind energy is taking an increasing battering, with vulnerability to storm damage, under-performance and increasing social and environmental impacts giving cause for concern.

The latest problem is “Scour”.

It also appears offshore turbine towers are more susceptible to scour than predicted, according to the latest issue (164 MA4) of the ICE’s Maritime Engineering journal.

A team of research engineers from the Technical University of Denmark report that stone armour around the 4.2 m diameter monopile foundations of the vast Horns Rev offshore wind farm in the North Sea was found to have unexpectedly sunk by up to 1.5 m.

Oh dear. This is caused by the vortex caused by the currents flowing around the base of a wind turbine.

A team of research engineers from the Technical University of Denmark report that stone armour around the 4.2 m diameter monopile foundations of the vast Horns Rev offshore wind farm in the North Sea was found to have unexpectedly sunk by up to 1.5 m.

Oops. I’ve a sneaky feeling that they might not last their projected 20 year life span.

Bye the way when are the plod going to make up their mind whether to prosecute the Huhnatic for his alleged speeding offense. if I’d been caught I’m sure I would have been prosecuted by now. 

Download the sum of all knowledge



Shamelessly nicked from Microdave and Max

Monday 16 January 2012

Unlimited energy

Just join two immutable facts together and we have a new source of perpetual energy.


I must rush to patent this. Be back soon.

Women rule the world?



Just saying.

Sunday 15 January 2012

So called experts

Save us from them.

I refer in this case to the Costa Concordia incident. I’m no expert on diesel electric propulsion but I have had extensive service on ships with that system.

Last night Malcolm Latarche, editor of the global shipping magazine IHS Fairplay Solutions, said the problem may have been caused by a phenomenon known as 'harmonic interference'.

If the vessel was travelling at cruising speed it is unlikely to have suffered this effect. This is normally applicable at low powers and is usually designed out at build. Additional safeguards are that harmonic filters are employed to negate any transient lower power risks. On my last ship we had two. One in use and another as back up.

This next paragraph makes no sense either.

The expert said the harmonic interference – a type of power surge – could have caused a malfunction in the generators feeding the ship's six diesel electric engines with which the back-up systems could not cope.

What are these generators that feed the diesel electric engines? What are the generators that supply the diesel generators? Where do they get their power from? Doesn’t make sense.

A diesel electric propulsion system consists of multiple diesel engines synchronised together. Each engine drives a generator supplying  AC at say 6.6kV (Alternating current) to a synchroconverter which converts the AC to DC (Direct current) to drive the propulsion motors.

This would have caused the ship to lose navigational power and steering control and veer off course, he said.

Again this is mere guesswork. Bearing in mind that  fifty per cent of the steering motors are fed from the emergency switchboard, I feel this is mere supposition. If power to the emergency switchboard is lost, an emergency generator, well away from the main machinery spaces, will automatically start and within sixty seconds be supplying the steering motors.


Mr Latarche added: 'Although the damage caused to the ship was severe, there are many safeguards in the design of a state-of-the-art cruise ship to prevent it turning over.

'There is a second hull within the outer hull. Inside the inner hull there is a steel structure like an ice tray to contain the water and prevent it spreading through the ship.

This intrigues me. As far as I know the only vessels required to be double skinned are oil tankers.

Before I retired we had just built four landing ships which were classified A1 at Lloyds register of shipping, which is the maximum possible certification standard. They did not have a double skin.

Much has been said of the evacuation of the vessel. In my opinion it is an almost impossible task to evacuate people who have no idea about the procedure involved. I’ve done various courses involving lifeboats and evacuation systems and realise that even those trained would find it difficult to escape given these particular circumstances.

I’m heartened to here that the number of missing is now down to 15, and that voices have been heard within the hull.

My condolence's go out to the bereaved. 

Sunday silliness

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

  'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

  So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

  Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

  Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

  'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

  Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

  'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

  Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
  'Nope...just when it's raining.'

Saturday 14 January 2012

Well done ASH. You’ve saved me a fortune.


When ASH (Action on smoking and health) bamboozled the last government into bannning smoking in Public houses, this actually was a boon to the likes of me.

Before the ban it meant that I had to drive to my local, spend a fortune on over priced beer, and indulge in talk with people I normally wouldn’t go near. (And for any publicans reading this. You brought it on yourselves when you failed to stand up to the bullies before the ban. It’s no good blaming the supermarkets for selling cheap alcohol. Your customer base has dwindled by letting me and 20% of the population down, by your avarice in expecting your premises to be suddenly filled with non-smokers).

How times have changed. I buy my beer cheaply (And Whisky) and sit quietly at home with friends, enjoying myself. The only downside is that I have to empty the ash trays.

The smoky drinky as coined by Leg-iron has come of age.

I perceive that their next attack will be to try and stop smoking in cars and homes. How are they going to achieve that, you ask?  I for one will not allow any antismoking quisling anywhere near my property. Maybe they’ll try and amend the law to have MOT tests to check  car ashtrays for cigarette traces. Tough shit, ASH, my car doesn’t have an ashtray. Or will they check my wheelie bin? In that case I’ll just chuck my butts in the roadside bin.

Thank you ASH.

Though they’re still sanctimonious cunts in my opinion, they can’t win. Bye the way, I see they’ve lost their government funding. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Friday 13 January 2012



Let me pose a question. A young relation wants to buy her rented flat which is up for sale. Her father is on business abroad and is therefore unable to advise her all of the time. Said young relative contacts a mortgage advisor in the hope that the mortgage advisor can secure a good deal from one of the many sharks companies that abound.

The mortgage advisor indeed finds a good deal and the young female relative accepts it.

However the point of this post is that the young relative was advised that she should take out a comprehensive insurance package so she wouldn’t “Be a burden on her dad”(Direct quote from the mortgage adviser), if anything went wrong.

The package consisted of everything from Critical illness cover, life insurance (why? she has no dependants), unemployment cover, and more. This for the princely some of £170 per Month. All in all there were eight elements to the package. (I would have listed them all, but Mrs FE fielded the call and wrote them down whilst under the influence and I cant read all off her spider scrawl. And she can’t either. Wimmin!).

Is this misselling? I certainly think it is. Playing on the fears of a twenty three year old, is not fair game in my mind.

What do you think?




Thursday 12 January 2012

Bacon will kill you

In the effort to control your lives, it would seem that even the bacon butty is an evil, cancer causing, devil. From here comes this tale of death and damnation.

Eating two rashers of bacon a day can increase the threat of pancreatic cancer by 19 per cent - and the risk goes up if a person eats more, say experts.

They said the warning applies to anyone who daily consumes 50g of processed meat - the equivalent of one sausage - compared with people who eat none at all.

The extra risk jumps to 38 per cent for those eating 100g and to 57 per cent for people on 150g a day. Experts added that the lifetime danger of developing the disease is relatively low - one in 77 for men and one in 79 for women.

Well I’m going to carry on and die a horrible death from pork. However further on in the article something is amiss. I don’t know if this is the author of this articles mistake, or comes from the researcher.

The study, published in the British Journal of Cancer, is by researchers at the respected Karolinska Institute in Stockholm. They examined data from 11 separate studies involving 6,643 cases of pancreatic cancer and found inconclusive evidence on the risks of eating red meat overall compared with consuming none. (My embolden).

Phew, nothing to worry about then.

FFS why can’t these fuckwits get a life and realise that every day we take risks. just give us the facts and allow us to do what we wish.

Just look at the heading on this blog.

Nanny state. Fuck Off. First it was smoking. Then it was drinking. Then they attacked the fatties. Now the humble fair of millions is under threat. Will it never end?



Annual Apology

Over the past few years I have posted some inappropriate pictures and jokes on this blog and I thought everyone shared the same sense of humour.
Unfortunately this wasn't the case and I seem to have upset quite
A few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow..  
If you were one of these people, please accept my sincerest apologies. 

Looking to 2012 onward, I will only post content with a cultural or educational Content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting topics.

Below is a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris .  It is the oldest bridge In Paris and took 26 years to build.  It was completed in 1604..







Wednesday 11 January 2012

Popular posts

This blog has mixture of the serious, fun, and the odd bit of titillation.

However it is the articles that I write in my fight against wind turbines and other Ecoloon fuckwittery that sees my stats soar. On the back of that, my conclusion is that there’s  a very large portion of the population, (Home and abroad) that are coming around to the fact that they are being conned. ( I’ve yet to have an adverse comment).

I truly believe that the green agenda is an evil by a small powerful  minority, that have an almost religious belief that is so deluded, that they make Islam seem benign. (If I don’t post tomorrow it’s because I’ve been arrested for a religious hate crime).

One of the sites in question is Campaign against Climate change. (They send me an Email every day warning me of evil denier articles)

Here is a small part of one of their posts.

The streets of London rang to the sound of chants for "Climate Justice" on the Global Day of Action for the climate on Saturday 3rd December.  Marchers had gathered at the North end of Blackfriars Bridge where they were joined by a group from Christian Ecology Link coming from a Prayer meeting at St Mary le Bowe, a group of Buddhists coming from a meditation session at the tate Modern  - and a substantial contingent coming via a 'Walk of Shame' through the City from a Climate 'teach in' at the Occupy camp at St Paul's.  Placards demanding 'climate Justice' and dispaying  '7%' as a way of expressing the inequity of business as usal on climate change  (see below) peppered the crowd as it moved slowly down embankment before turning right down Horseguards Avenue into Whitehall.

Says it all really.

Unfortunately we have a government that believes this quackery so maybe us climate realists are in for the long slog.

Maybe I should be posting on health instead? After all, I wrote this post in a haze of tobacco smoke and at least two three four units of alcohol.

The page turner

Slightly over the top IMHO.

Why doesn’t he buy a kindle?

Tuesday 10 January 2012

Even when they break they cost the taxpayer


In a previous post about Bird Mincers wind turbines, I was exploring the load factors of these abominations wonderful creations.

Further reading of the same document on the DECC website and I came upon the estimated failure rate of offshore turbines. (It’s page 31 if you’re interested).

Table 3 estimates that, on average, an offshore wind farm could incur a failure rate of approximately 17% per year. The associated cost of repair has been estimated to be equal to £43/kW, based on total equipment cost of £520/KW, installation cost of £286/KW and cost of the single components provided by the industry within the Contact Programme.


A 17% failure rate to me is astounding. So not only have we a low load factor over the year, we also have a high failure rate. In all my years working with machinery I’ve never experienced such a high failure rate.

And it gets worse.

Over the lifetime of the plant, the rate of technical failure is expected to have a ‘bath-tub’ profile (Figure 7). It is expected to be highest in the initial stages of operation, when it has been assumed that a technology provider warranty is in place (usually for the first 5 years),
such that the developer would not incur any repair costs for this period. A 17% failure rate then holds for the first years of an onshore project’s lifetime, after which time it rises linearly to 23%
(My embolden) by Year 20. This latter rise coincides with financial risk as the ROC period
ends and uncertainty about green power prices increases.


23% is huge. I’d already in a previous post investigated that the life of a turbine gearbox replacement can be anywhere up to 500,000 Euros, which are on average are barely lasting half the projected life of the turbines. It’s interesting to note that that they quote £43/kW for repair. As you can see from above, the true estimated cost looks to be ten times the cost. Worryingly, the warranty as you can see from the graph above runs out after 6 years. They are already failing after seven years. Who pays then? Most probably the taxpayer. Although further on in the DECC article they are trying to imply that binding agreements with wind turbine operators are being sought.

If you look at table 3 above you’ll also see that the failure rate for the tower is 0.4%. This differs with information I have posted before.

Roughly 600 of Europe’s installed 948 offshore turbines have been prone to grout connection failure, causing turbines to tilt within their monopile foundations. But according to some, the problem lies less with the grout itself, than with a design that relies on grout to hold the foundation and transition piece together.

The more I read the whole paper the more I see is that the authors are only writing a puff piece to assure our Grimy Politicians Lords and Masters, that it is the “Right thing to do”. (I wonder who loves uttering that phrase?).

I hope that when the lights start to go out in 2015,  I can start using the piano wire and lamposts I’ve been hoarding in my garage. (I have surplus that you can obtain free of charge to use on your MP of choice. PS the Huhnatic is mine, all mine.) *cue maniacal laughter*

So true


Monday 9 January 2012



Just saying.

How Big?

Just in case you need to know

Click on map to open in Browser.

H/T to terrence for sending me the link.

Sunday 8 January 2012


A worrying thought for 2012.......
    10 years ago Bob Hope died
            5 years ago Johnny Cash died
                    A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died
                            A few weeks ago Jimmy Saville died
Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It
Let's hope nothing happens to Ed Balls.

Am I paranoid?

As we have progressed through the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your educational comments over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the comment about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason."And I do recommend that you do that".
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling film in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .

Also I get this. “If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump”. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.



Saturday 7 January 2012

I’ve now branched out into cruise liners



FE   C r u i s e    L i n e s

Now Accepting Reservations! Additional cruise information available below.

Rates and Availability

Ship Name           Starting Price     Days     Availability

Sun Splendor         $5,200.00               5          Fully Booked

Grand Voyage        $6,150.00              7          Reservations Available

Horizons IV             $7,091.00              10        Reservations Available

Horizons III              $5,200.00             7           Fully Booked

FE Cruise Lines is excited to offer the ultimate adventure cruise, along the pirate-infested coast of Somalia .


We board our luxury cruise ships in Djibouti on the Gulf of Aden near the entrance to the Red Sea, and disembark in Mombasa Kenya , seven adrenaline-charged days later.

Reservations start at only $5,200 per-person (double occupancy, inside room) and $6,900 (veranda complete with bench rest).seatas

You'll relax like never before !

That's because you are welcome to bring your own arsenal with you. If you don't have your own weapons, you can rent them from our onboard Master Gunsmith. Enjoy reloading parties every afternoon, with skeet and marksmanship competitions every night ! But the best fun of all, of course, is...


The object of our cruise is to sail up and down the Somali Coast waiting to get hijacked by pirates !

Weapons rentals:

Weapon Selection                             


Per Day      On a budget ? Rent a full-auto scope-mounted AK-47 for only $9/day with 7.62 ball ammo at $12 per 100 rounds:


Per Day     Rent a full auto M-16 for only $25/day with ammo attractively priced at $16 per 100 rounds of 5.56 armour-piercing:


Per Day     Hello! Nothing gets  a pirate's attention like a Barrett M-107 50-cal sniper rifle; only $59/day with 25 rounds of armour-piercing ammo affordably priced at only $29.95.


Per Day     Want to make a real impact ? Rent an RPG for only $175/day with three fragmentation rounds  included !  A true favourite among pirates. Rent one today and show you care !

Customer Testimonials


"Six attacks in 4 days were more than I expected.

I bagged three pirates, My wife nailed two,
and my 12-year old Grandson sank two boats

with the mini-gun.

This wonderful cruise was fun for the whole family"

-- Fred D., Cincinnati , OH

"Pirates 0, Passengers 32 !

Well worth the trip! Can't recommend it highly enough !"

-- Ben L.,  Bethesda , MD


Twin mounted mini-guns are available for rental
at only $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire !



Additional Cruise Line Services

  • Need a spotter ?  Our professional crew members can double as spotters for only $30/hour. (spotting scope included, but gratuities are not)
  • Also included:  Free complimentary night vision equipment - and throughout the night.
  • Coffee, pastries and snacks are always available on the Main deck from 7pm until 6am .
  • Our deluxe package comes complete with gourmet meals and all rooms offer a mini-bar



    We guarantee you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or you'll receive an instant $1,000 refund upon arrival in Mombasa .
    How can we make that guarantee ? We operate at 5 knots just beyond 12 nautical miles off the coast of Somalia, thus in international waters where pirates have no rights whatever. In fact, we make three passes through the area's most treacherous waters to ensure maximum visibility  by Somali mother ships. We repeat this for five days, making three complete passes past the entire Somali Coast. At night, the boat is fully lit and bottle buckets are shot every five minutes, with loud disco music directionally beamed shore side to attract maximum attention.

    ACT NOW!

    Cabin space is limited so you need to respond quickly. Reserve your package Before 30th January and get a great bonus -100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the calibre of your choice ! So sign up for The Ultimate Somali Coast Adventure Cruise now !



    Reserve now and be automatically entered to win a 5 minute time slot on the Captain's own Twin Browning 50 Calibre M2HB installation !

    "I haven't had this much fun since Flying choppers in 'Nam ."

    Don't worry about getting shot by pirates... they never even got close to the ship.  With the crap they shoot and their lousy aim...

    "Come on board and bag your own clutch of genuine Somali pirates !"