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Sunday, 8 January 2012

Am I paranoid?

As we have progressed through the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your educational comments over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the comment about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason."And I do recommend that you do that".
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling film in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .

Also I get this. “If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump”. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.




  1. On the other hand there is evidence that excessive cleanliness causes asthma. So now you’re completely screwed.

  2. "Oh bugger."

    You shouldn't do that either - who knows what infections you might catch....

  3. A. N. Other Filthy Engineer8 January 2012 at 17:23

    On your last point I protect my toothbrush by putting the toilet lid down before flushing and between uses. This has the added bonus of preventing the cat from trying to drink from it!
    No such problem aboard ship with half an atmosphere of vacuum dragging your bodily ejections from the bowl. Stand up before flushing!

  4. A. N. Other Filthy Engineer8 January 2012 at 17:44

    Wouldn't a scientist from Argentina be Argentinian rather than German?
    Or am I just a pedantic dopey shit who takes things too literally?

  5. Ah yes. Vacuum toilets. Fine till someone chucks the inside of a toilet roll down. Those cardboard tubes are perfect for blocking the vacuum mechanism open. Many a late night spent looking for an errant toilet destroying the vacuum system.

  6. Re Toilets - You might want to check Julia M's latest offering:

  7. See how much better your life will be now? You'll avoid all those nasties, and if you give up smoking and drinking too, you'll live forever. Guaranteed! Dockrell and Arnott said so, and they're experts!

    Word verification - excra. Is it trying to tell me something about my comment?

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