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Thursday 24 February 2011


No I’m bloody not
What’s with all this prying into our lives? Firstly we’re going to be forced under pain of fines to fill in the most obtrusive census forming in living memory.

17. What questions will I have to answer?

We ask about work, health, national identity, citizenship, ethnic background, education, second homes, language, religion, marital status and so on. People in Wales will have an extra question about the Welsh language.

Why should I be forced to tell them whether I work or not? Are they trying to find benefit cheats.
What business is it of theirs, what my health is? That’s between me and my GP. I shall write “DEAD” on mine.
National Identity? Am I going to tell them anything other than British? Maybe they’re at long last going to track down illegal immigrants. I don’t think so.
Language? Who cares what I speak as long a the local shopkeeper can understand my request for 60 cigarettes and a bottle of grouse. (Arnott and Shenker, I hope you will read that)’
Religion. That’s easy. I’m declaring myself as a founder member of  Smokology (order of  Superkings, first class).
Marital status? None of your business.  More benefit cheat entrapment.
As for the Welsh………………. enough said.

And finally they want me to answer a survey on how happy I am according to the Beeb tonight.

What do you think I am?

Buckle up

The National Roads Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt.
Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.
Correct installation is illustrated below.......


Love lost in the Computer age.


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a
distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend. In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as
designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.
In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Dedicated to Lizi, Kat, & Chris.