Google analytics

Thursday 8 April 2010

Selling property

As the occasional visitor to this blog will know, I'm in the process of settling the affairs of my deceased Uncle.

It's a far more convoluted process than I could have ever imagined.

However it has opened my eyes to the duplication of effort foisted on us by the Government.

Last week I commissioned a company to carry out a Home information pack report. This entailed filling in six pages of data. I'm not sure why I had to fill half of it in. After all I'm paying them.

Interestingly I had a letter from the Estate Agents handling the sale, enclosing a document marked Property Misdescriptions act 1991 Trust form which I have to fill in.

Guess what. Both forms ask for identical data.

We really have been taken for mugs. I feel a letter to my MP coming on. Oh wait, there is more important things for him to be doing. He's got a seat to win in the GE.

Politicians. How to avoid them.

This is very much required in the run up to the general Election. Read carefully. There may be a test at the end.

Once you have identified a Politician and their groupmates, it is important to avoid them at all costs. People have been known to survive a direct Politician attack, but it is inadvisable to tempt fate. There are Politician defence classes available at some locations throughout the country if you are interested.

There are a number of ways to avoid a Politician, depending on your situation:

  • Turn back

    This is the easiest and is simply effected by performing a simple 180 degree turn and walking in the opposite direction. This is not useful, however, if you were actually trying to get somewhere.

  • Take an alternative route

    This manoeuvre involves taking a route around the outside of the affected area. This removes all danger from the observed group of Politicians, but opens you to the possibility of running into a different group on your revised route.

  • Make them think twice

    A Politician is less likely to approach you if he or she feels they may either put themselves in danger by doing so, or else just not get any sense out of you. Techniques such as muttering or singing to yourself, talking to someone who isn't there or swatting at invisible flies may achieve the desired result, but with the more experienced Politician more imaginative techniques must be implemented.

  • Implement a Corby

    This is the most difficult of avoidance techniques and is of most use when your intended destination is within the affected area. 'Corby' is the name given to a route that follows the rules as outlined in the next section.

  • Combine two or more of these tactics

    Sure to fox even the most dedicated Politician, a combination of any number of the tactics listed here is an excellent way to ensure safe passage, particularly the Corby combined with muttering or talking to yourself: this has the added bonus of occupying your mind enough for you to not succumb to the temptation of making eye contact.

The Corby

The route is at all times equidistant from the closest two members of any pack of Politicians. As anyone who has done up to GCSE geography or mathematics will know, a route which is equidistant from two given points is a straight line. When considering more than two points, only the two closest to you at any given moment should be considered. As a route brings you closer to an additional Politician, this person replaces one of the other 'points' and the process is repeated.

The reason for staying equidistant from the two closest Politicians is simple: Each Politician has a certain 'dragnet' area which extends out to his or her nearest partner, and only one Politician will attack any one person as it is inefficient to do otherwise. If you are equidistant between the two, then you are on the border of both of their 'dragnets' and the resultant confusion will give you time to pass through to safety. If, however, you make the unfortunate mistake of making eye contact with one of the Politicians, this will upset the balance and you will probably be caught by the dragnet and reeled in.

Part 3: Counterattack

What to do if you are caught by a Politician

Being caught by a Politician is most people's worst nightmare, but if the worst comes to the worst there are a number of things you can do to escape:

  • Ignore their pleas and smiles and walk straight past as if you never noticed them. This is surprisingly difficult and can usually only be achieved after months, sometimes even years of brutal training.

  • Bring up a subject which even more boring than the one you are supposed to be parting with your soul for. This is possibly even more difficult than the previous tip, unless you are a clipboarder.

  • Pretend that you don't speak English. Pretending to be a foreigner will almost always reward the interviewee. Only the most hardened Politician will attempt the foreigner intervention.

There are two methods in the 'feigning a foreigner' counterattack:

  • Learn 'I don't speak English' in a foreign language and shout it loudly at the Politician. This is generally effective, but can backfire if the Politician is over-enthusiastic and/or speaks the foreign language in question

  • Be an 'interested foreigner.' This involves beating them at their own game. Speak very slowly in heavily-accented English (think about the time when you went on a school trip to Germany and needed to ask where the bathroom was, but couldn't remember the word for toilet). Ask lots of questions, particularly ones unrelated to the subject of the Politician

The most fun that can be derived from method two is when the Politician actually backs off. This may be due to a Latvian demanding that Scottish Power hook up their shack in deepest darkest Latvia with a gas supply cheaper than that of British Gas.

In Conclusion

Armed with the knowledge you've just been given, it should now be possible to conduct your business without fear of a Politician-based attack. Whether you're going to work or on a shopping trip, either a native of the British Isles or a visitor on holiday, be prepared - the Politician is a resourceful and intelligent foe. They are constantly developing new techniques of harassment, and any counterattacks we might use may in turn be countered themselves. Be ever vigilant, be resourceful. Mix and match the methods used above, and in time you may even produce your own.

Most of all, be safe and enjoy hassle-free shopping and commuting.

And God help me if they finally find out how to use the Internet.

A real life hero.

And I'm not denigrating our armed forces in any way. Every man jack of them are heroes in my eyes.

This is the story of an ordinary man doing without thinking, an heroic act.

This is the dramatic moment a two-year-old girl was plucked from an icy river after being rescued by her father and a total stranger.

Two-year-old Bridget Sheridan had fallen 20ft into New York's East River after slipping off a gangplank at the South Street Seaport museum.

French tourist Julien Duret immediately jumped into the water to rescue the little girl before she sank beneath the water and handed her to her father David Anderson, who had dived in after him.

Bridget Sheridan

Heroic: French tourist Julien Duret, right, hands Bridget Sheridan to her father David Anderson after they both dived into New York's East River to save her

Mr Anderson, who was visiting from California, spoke of his relief after his child was brought back to safety and opened her eyes after appearing to be 'lifeless' in the water.

He said: 'She was laying on her back, looking up at me, terror in her eyes. The fact she was crying I knew she was fine.'

Meanwhile Mr Duret simply walked off after his selfless act of heroism and was eventually traced by the New York Daily News.

Mr Duret, 29, from Lyon, said he didn't think twice before diving into the chilly waters
on Saturday.

'The emotion took over,' Duret told the Daily News. 'I didn't think at all. It happened very fast. I reacted very fast... I've never done anything like that before.'

Shocked: Mr Duret was amazed to find he was the hero of New York 
after he dived into a river to save a drowning toddler

Shocked: Mr Duret was amazed to find he was the hero of New York after he dived into a river to save a drowning toddler

Duret, an engineer on vacation, was walking with his girlfriend on the pier when he spotted something falling into the water.

He approached the water and looked down. He thought it was a doll; then realised it was a child. He stripped his coat and jumped into the water.

When he reached Bridget, she appeared lifeless, he said. He scooped her up and gave her to her father. David Anderson then lifted his daughter out of the water and she opened her eyes.

Anderson said his daughter slipped through guardrails when he stopped watching her so he could adjust his camera. He spirited her into an ambulance, said Duret, who was handed dry clothes from onlookers. Duret caught a cab shortly after.

It was the final day of Mr Duret's first trip to the city. He said he didn't realise his tale of heroism had captivated New York until he was leaving the next morning.

'I don't really think I'm a hero,' he said. 'Anyone would do the same thing.'

Makes you feel proud of some of the Human race. Mind you if that had been a couple of PCSOs'......