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Thursday 24 March 2011


”An Earthquake measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale hit the new city of Milton Keynes on Wednesday morning.

”Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying ”bang out of order”, ”mental” and ”sorted”.

”Some are still confused that something interesting actually happened in Newport Pagnell!

”Some residents of Fishermead were woken before their ‘giros’ arrived and it caused quite a panic!

”The earthquake decimated half of the Fullers Slade area causing in excess of £17.55 worth of damage.

”Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza, Corfu, Rhyl and Blackpool were damaged beyond repair including a cute little donkey that ‘broke wind’ when you clapped your hands.

”Preserved areas of historic importance were destroyed and many piles of scientifically significant litter were disturbed.

”One resident of Netherfield, Miss Kylie Davies a 15 year old mother of four said ”It was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Destiny came running into my bedroom crying; my hands were shaking that much I could hardly concentrate on Jeremy Kyle”.

”The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4,000 crates of Red Bull to the area to help with the crisis.

”Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found numerous ”Elizabeth Duke” sovereign rings, benefit books and Poundstretcher ornaments.

”How can you help?

”This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster.

”Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are Lacoste tracksuits, white socks, Burberry caps, Beanie hats and Rockports.

Spoof news report on Shameless style estate angers residents

”Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain oven chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch, Hollands pies and Iceland pizza.

”Alcohol is also in short supply, especially White Lightening Cider and Special Brew.

”Cash donations are also needed. 22p buys a ‘signing-on’ biro, £2.50 buys a pie and chips, £20.00 buys a fake MOT and £16.00 buys 200 Regal ciggies from the back of Tomo’s lorry. Your help is appreciated.”

Will the Plod be after me now?


Bloody greenery

From the Evening Standard

Households will be hit by an average £17 rise in electricity bills as a result of green measures in the Budget, it emerged today.

Official documents predict bills will be four per cent higher by 2016 because of George Osborne's decision to drive investment in renewable energy by charging fossil-fuel burning power suppliers a minimum price for carbon emissions from 2013.

The Budget "red book" said 40 per cent of the cost would fall on households, leading to an immediate one per cent rise in electricity bills that will grow by 2016.

It said the pain would be felt hardest by the poor, single parents and the elderly with a risk that fuel poverty will get worse.

The "red book" claims energy prices will start to fall by the 2020s, but a Taxpayers Alliance spokesman said: "This is a Budget which will substantially raise energy prices."

Green nonsense. I’m even too annoyed to swear.