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Sunday 28 September 2014

Snow White. Scottish edition.

snow white1

The seven dwarfs always  left early each morning to go to work in the mine. As  always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic  tasks.


As lunchtime approached,  she would prepare their lunches and take them to the  mine.


One day as she arrived at  the mine with the lunches, she saw that there had been a terrible  cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began  calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs  had somehow  survived.
'Hello. Hello!' she  shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'


For a long while, there was  no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
'Hello! Is anyone down  there?'
Just as she was about to  give up all hope,
she heard a faint  voice from deep within the mine,


Snow White fell to her  knees and prayed, Oh, thank you, God! At  least Dopey is still alive!

Hopefully no Scots were offended by this post.

Friday 26 September 2014

Amusing poll results.

A couple of days ago there was an article in the left leaning Newspaper, The daily Mirror. This was an article by Yvette Cooper and titled:

'Stand up to UKIP': Yvette Cooper calls on Labour to fight the right-wing party

I patiently read the drivel she spouted and finally at the bottom of the article there was a poll. The simple question being “Are you considering voting for UKIP? With just a straight Yes or No.

So I clicked on yes to see what would happen. The result is below.


Maybe only three people voted, but I would have expected the opposite from a left leaning paper.

Wednesday 24 September 2014

I’m here to help.


The phone rang this afternoon and Mrs FE answered it. A few minutes later Mrs FE poked her head round the door of the office and handed the phone  to me with a concerned look on her face.

On taking it from her I wondered if the call was from the police, re-payment of PPI, I’d won the lottery, of from one of the kids.

But no, this was the man from Microsoft who proceeded to tell me that they had been monitoring my computer and that it had multiple problems. The conversation goes something like this:

Microsoft engineer (MSE)

“We have been monitoring your computer and can see that it has many problems” (not an American or British accent).

Filthy Engineer (FE)

“Oh dear what can I do?” (Attempting to purvey a note of worry in my voice).


“You need to follow my instructions”




“Can you see a logo of MS on the left of the screen?”


“What does it look like?”


“It looks like a flag with four colours in a circle.


“All I can see is the date and time.”


“The LEFT hand side of the screen”.


“Sorry. I see it now, what should I do?”


“Click on it”


“OK” (click)


“Do you see a menu?”


(Short pause to light up a ciggie and add a bit of tension to the unfolding drama) “Yes”


“Can you  see a small box under the phrase “All programs”?”




“I want you to type in m.s.c.o.n.f.i.g.”


(After pretending to misspell it several times I finally affirmed that I had typed it in).


“Press enter and tell me what you see?”


“A box with Msconfig in it”


“just click on it”


“I’ve done that


“What do you see?”


“Program not responding.”

(This is what was actually up on my screen and what he was expecting)



Silence for a few seconds

“I think we need to start again by rebooting your computer”


“How do I do that?”

As most astute readers will know this is a scam to catch the unwary and deliver a trojan into your computer which will give you the idea that your machine is inflicted with all manner of nasties. What they will then do is sell useless software that purports to save your computer from eternal damnation..

I enjoyed every minute of the time on the phone with him. We must have jointly started the computer at least 8 times whilst trying to rectify the faults. Such as: “It’s loading updates from your company”, “the mouse isn’t working”, “how do you spell mscongig again?”.

Oh please let a Nigerian 419 scammer phone me.

Sunday 21 September 2014

Sunday surrealism

I’ll start with sex


Sensible advice for those up in the air moments

copilot checklist


public notice

A simple mathematical formula solved

women=problems (1)

It’s much more difficult to turn on the fairer sex.

man woman (1)

For that moment you realised that you clicked on “Post” before you’ve finished composing.

oh shit

Revenge of the killer bulbs


He tried.

we buy any car

Saturday 20 September 2014


A public service announcement.











It’s a hoax.

Thursday 18 September 2014

Social media and Scotland

Shades of Greenwich

There’s been nothing in the British MSM that I have seen as yet. It would appear that a similar crime as that which was carried out against Lee Rigby in Greenwich was foiled in Australia.

In what was called the largest anti-terror operation in Australian history, police have arrested 15 people allegedly linked to the Islamic State, some who plotted a public beheading.

Police said the planned attack was to be “random.” The killers were to behead a victim and then drape the body in the black Islamic State flag, according to the Sydney Morning Herald.

The Associated Press reported 800 officers raided more than a dozen locations in Sydney, Brisbane and Logan.

This happened yesterday and I would consider it as more important than that referendum which seems to dominate the news at the moment.

Update: The BBC has a report now on their website. They’re only 36 hours behind with it.

Tuesday 16 September 2014

Sperm donor of Hong Kong.

You might find the title of this post strange, however all is about to be revealed.

The miss-selling of insurance policies has been branded the UK’s ‘biggest financial crime’ by one expert this year. The PPI scandal that has engulfed banking has hit a pay-out total of £23bn to customers – a figure which could have funded the 2012 Olympics twice over – and the number of complaints about miss-sold life insurance recently rose 26% in just one year. Indeed, the Office of National Statistics has estimated that it wasn’t government policy or stimulus that kick-started Britain’s economic recovery in recent years – the ascent out of recession has come as a result of people spending their average pay-out of £2750.

With banks continually taking advantage of their customers, one consumer has decided to speak out in the most unusual and eye-catching way.

Christopher George was miss-sold life insurance and protection against a business loan by one of the world’s banking giants – and instead of simply claiming back the miss-sold amount and continuing to quietly use the financial behemoth’s services, he decided to get his own back. Mr George trademarked an online domain in the name of a very different kind of bank to seek his own brand of revenge. 

(Note:The IP address has been changed slightly as you can see) The bank is now registered under Class 05 – a sperm bank. The domain – the real name of one of the world’s largest banks – is now associated with sexual stimulants and chemical contraceptives rather than loans and savings.

An investigation of the matter has found that the famous corporate has no grounds for complaint, due to the fact that no trademarks have officially been infringed. The case is a refreshing example of a consumer standing up for his own consumer rights and demonstrating that, though banks may have limitless funds and experienced lawyers, they are still open to this kind of retribution. 

Mr George says, “The miss-selling of insurance over the past few years has been a total scandal, with billions paid out to wronged customers who should never have been out of pocket in the first place. Many of those who have claimed compensation for these issues have quietly accepted their pay-out and continued to bank with the provider in question – but my conscience lies in a different realm, and I couldn’t sit back while this leading bank took advantage of me and drained funds from my account.”

The episode played a part in the demise of Mr George’s business, and though he now has his finances in order, the registration of the domain name felt like a small step to righting this wrong.

Mr George’s example won’t be the last time a bank miss-sells a policy to a customer, and the disgruntled ex-customer hopes that his example will demonstrate that errors like these don’t have to be taken lying down.

To find out more about Mr George’s experience, please visit the website:

Well done that man.

Friday 5 September 2014

Tit for tat.

Further to my post the other day, Kill Peppa pig, where I told you that there is a site started by a Muslim to have a children’s TV show banned.

To my amusement I’ve found out that there is a facebook site entitled Peppa Pig against Muslims.


Thursday 4 September 2014

Wednesday 3 September 2014

Kill Peppa pig.

Makes you wonder about the sanity of the Islamic world.

Peppa pig isis

It’s a bloody harmless children’s show that has had children entranced.


Tuesday 2 September 2014

Will they apologise for……

The arrest of Mr and Mrs King? Having read week by week, more than enough scandals ignored by those in high places, I doubt it.
The fact is the CPS have realised that they made a stupid decision with the European arrest warrant for the Knights and have seen sense and withdrawn it.
I’ll be interested if anything I wished for in my last post will be forthcoming. (I’ll bet we’ll here from the Prime Moron though).
I sincerely hope that the authorities will stump up the money and send the child to have proton beam therapy in a country of the parents’ choice. They owe the family that.

Monday 1 September 2014

I haven’t seen him pontificating on this yet.

I’m referring to last nights post and the lack of any sign of our prime monster yet.

I’ll bet he will be seen tomorrow. However,sorry Dave, you’re too late to come to that party, and expect that you’ll be welcome.

If this prime minister wanted to win the next general election this is what I’d do in his shoes.

1. Firstly apologise to the family for the dire failing of the system of justice in this case.

2. Contact the Police authority who asked for the arrest warrant and publically sack the person involved.

3. Sack the head of social services in Southampton. Suggest that if he or she doesn’t go quietly then he or she will be arrested for unlawful imprisonment. (This would release a sizeable chunk of money for para 6).

4. Immediately suspend the district judge who signed the EAW until a full investigation of cases he or she has adjudicated on in the last ten years.

5. Immediately ask the Spanish authorities to release the father and mother and reunite them with their son.

6. Release £100,000 to the family in order that they can seek proton therapy for the boy.

I bet you that he is on the news tomorrow mouthing platitudes on the subject such as “It’s the right thing to do” and “lessons will be learnt”.