I’m here to help.

The phone rang this afternoon and Mrs FE answered it. A few minutes later Mrs FE poked her head round the door of the office and handed the phone  to me with a concerned look on her face.

On taking it from her I wondered if the call was from the police, re-payment of PPI, I’d won the lottery, of from one of the kids.

But no, this was the man from Microsoft who proceeded to tell me that they had been monitoring my computer and that it had multiple problems. The conversation goes something like this:

Microsoft engineer (MSE)

“We have been monitoring your computer and can see that it has many problems” (not an American or British accent).

Filthy Engineer (FE)

“Oh dear what can I do?” (Attempting to purvey a note of worry in my voice).

MSE

“You need to follow my instructions”

FE

“OK”

MSE

“Can you see a logo of MS on the left of the screen?”

FE

“What does it look like?”

MSE

“It looks like a flag with four colours in a circle.

FE

“All I can see is the date and time.”

MSE

“The LEFT hand side of the screen”.

FE

“Sorry. I see it now, what should I do?”

MSE

“Click on it”

FE

“OK” (click)

MSE

“Do you see a menu?”

FE

(Short pause to light up a ciggie and add a bit of tension to the unfolding drama) “Yes”

MSE

“Can you  see a small box under the phrase “All programs”?”

FE

“Yes”

MSE

“I want you to type in m.s.c.o.n.f.i.g.”

FE

(After pretending to misspell it several times I finally affirmed that I had typed it in).

MSE

“Press enter and tell me what you see?”

FE

“A box with Msconfig in it”

MSE

“just click on it”

FE

“I’ve done that

MSE

“What do you see?”

FE

“Program not responding.”

(This is what was actually up on my screen and what he was expecting)

MSE

Silence for a few seconds

“I think we need to start again by rebooting your computer”

FE

“How do I do that?”

As most astute readers will know this is a scam to catch the unwary and deliver a trojan into your computer which will give you the idea that your machine is inflicted with all manner of nasties. What they will then do is sell useless software that purports to save your computer from eternal damnation..

I enjoyed every minute of the time on the phone with him. We must have jointly started the computer at least 8 times whilst trying to rectify the faults. Such as: “It’s loading updates from your company”, “the mouse isn’t working”, “how do you spell mscongig again?”.

Oh please let a Nigerian 419 scammer phone me.

I'm back. For the moment

Bloody Microsoft. I've just spent all afternoon trying to upgrade to Windows 7. Now I've done it before, but that was a clean install. This time I decided to just carry out an upgrade. Mistake.

I've had 6 blue screens of death, but eventually have managed to sort it. I think my next computer is going to be a Mac.

Microsoft. Can they never get it right first time?

Microsoft has rushed out a software update for Internet Explorer after the browser was found to contain a security flaw.

Why is it that they always push their programmes out before they're checked properly?

The "out of band" security update – so called because it has not been released as part of a wider package of software updates – fixes the security flaw that is thought to be related to recent hack attacks against Google and other organisations.

Why can't they be like these outfits who show responsibility over short term gain?

Rival browser makers, including Firefox and Opera, are said to be benefiting from the fallout, with downloads of Firefox spiking in Germany immediately after the government issued its advice, and more than twice as many people as usual downloaded Opera over the weekend.

If you are silly enough to be using Internet Explorer the security patch can be downloaded from HERE.

I may be sometime.

Just changing service provider. Should be simple I thought. Oh No!

The ISP doesn't recognise Windows 7.

Grrrrrrh.

Microsoft and cars

I don't know how true this is.


At a recent computer conference (COMDEX) Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft, is reported to have compared the computer industry with the auto industry: "If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has," he said, "we would all be driving 25-dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response, General Motors have issued the following press release …

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1 For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash … twice a day

2 Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car

3 Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this

4 Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine

5 Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads

6 The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light

7 The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying

8 Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna

9 Every time a new car was introduced. car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car

10 You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off

Thanks to the grumpy old sod for this.