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Thursday 30 June 2011

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.

You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.  What do you do?


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed? Is he asian or black or a muslim? 
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 999?
If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when  he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? ..
If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home? Or prosecute me for racial abuse.


Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?'

My God. My council has not boarded the Olympic Gravy train.

I’m shocked. Honesty in Government? Whatever next?

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to obtain information about how many tickets your organisation applied for and the total amount spent on tickets for the 2012 Olympics.

To outline my query as clearly as possible, I am requesting:

  1. The total number of tickets your organisation applied for
  2. The total amount paid for tickets (or amount outstanding if not yet paid)
  3. Please break this information down by event

My preferred format to receive this information is electronically, but if that is not possible I will gladly accept letters at the address below.

I would be grateful if you would acknowledge receipt of this request as soon as possible.

Kind regards

Mr Filthy Engineer

Filthy Towers


And the replies:

Dear Mr Filthy Engineer

Thank you for your email regarding the 2012 Olympics.

I have forwarded your email to the Freedom of Information department, in order that they can respond to your enquiry.

For further information regarding this enquiry please contact the department directly, their contact details are:-

Kind regards


Customer Service Advisor

Dear Mr Filthy Engineer

Thank you for your request for information.

I can confirm that Kent County Council has not applied for any London 2012 Olympic tickets so therefore there will be no cost to KCC.

Best regards

Laura Crawford

Access to Information Officer

Information Resilience & Transparency Team

Business Strategy & Support, Governance & Law

Kent County Council, Room B.48, Sessions House, County Road, Maidstone, ME14 1XQ

Telephone: 01622 694261, Internal: 7000 4261, Fax: 01622 696075

Wednesday 29 June 2011

In a Vacuum.

Well I found it funny.

H/T to Theo Spark

Who do you root for?

On one hand we have three MP’s trying to have the smoking ban adjusted to make it more equitable for us Filthy Smokers.

Ash tray

Three MPs are joining forces with campaigners to call for the smoking ban in UK pubs and clubs to be relaxed.

Conservative Greg Knight, Lib Dem John Hemming and Labour's Roger Godsiff argue that the ban has had a devastating impact on the industry.

They want the law to be changed to allow pubs to create a separate room for smokers if they choose.

Thousands of UK pubs have closed in recent years and many have blamed the ban for the loss of business.

The smoking ban was introduced in England in July 2007. Scotland's ban was introduced in March 2006, followed by Wales and Northern Ireland in April 2007.

On the other hand do you support one of the Righteous anti-smokers who would like to probably have us  sent to jail? or at the very least fined?


Paul Bartlett picks up cigarette butts in Stony Stratford

Alderman Paul Bartlett (above four eyed cunt), who sits on Stony StratfordTown Council, is calling for a street smoking ban in an effort to stop litter1 louts from throwing cigarette butts on to the streets of the historic town, and to ‘make the environment cleaner’.

Cllr Bartlett hopes to do this with a by-law, and will be lobbying the town council to support the creation of a law at its next meeting in July.

He said: “Why should people have the freedom to smoke in my face, pass on diseases2 and spoil the environment?

“When you walk through the high street in any town smoke is in your face and harming you and any children3 there.

He really has read from the ASH handbook.

1 Firstly, litter. Most considerate smokers that I know use the bins provided.

2Secondly, he is accusing us of being diseased.

3Think of the Cheeldren. 

Didn’t he do well. (I’ll say it again. Rude word follows. Turn away now if you haven’t read the disclaimer at the top of the blog). CUNT.

No sense of humour

Egyptian tycoon and politician Naguib Sawiris has come under fire for posting a picture of Mickey and Minnie Mouse in Islamic dress, sparking a torrent of condemnation on social networking sites.
Several lawyers have filed complaints to the public prosecutor accusing Mr. Sawiris of “insulting Islam”, a judicial source said, with calls on Facebook and Twitter to boycott his Mobinil telephone operator.













Just in the interest of press freedom. So you know what they’re talking about.

Tuesday 28 June 2011


I’ve only been blogging in earnest for about eighteen months but have realised in that short time how we are being conned by just about everyone with the slightest vestige of power.

If we start at the so called top we have a prime minister who is so vacuous and wet that he can’t seem to hold any opinion for more than a day or two. As far as I can see, he has no idea how to run a country. All he is interested in is his image portrayed in the MSM, and to satisfy the Islington set.

We have unelected judges who are so out of touch with the people, which they as guardians of the law, should be protecting us from the criminal class, fail at every hurdle.

We have target driven policing that fails to protect the average citizen, but will meet it’s diversity targets.

We have 650 MP’s (Why for FFS do we need that many?), who when written to, will take at least a month to reply, usually with a quite inadequate response.

We used to have honourable citizens in the public services that would resign if they’d failed in their duties. Now all we get is the trite trotted out phrase “Lessons will be learnt”.

We have health and safety legislation that has taken away the onus of protecting one’s own persona, and replaced it with a cover my arse mentality by companies that can ill afford the red tape.

We have a political class that is enthralled by the EU, but does not realise that they are powerless to make any meaningful British laws that will be for the benefit of their citizens. (Again why do we need so many MP’s if the law is made in Brussels).

We have a quango attack on every slightest thing that might be regarded as a pleasure. Don’t smoke, don’t drink, eat your bloody five a day or else, and generally be a downtrodden serf.

We have green energy policies that will most likely see power cuts by 2015 due to the insane desire by our politicians bowing down to a Gaia worshipping minority (Yesterday the wind turbine output was supplying 0.8 percent of our energy needs).

Would it be too much to ask? Can I have the country that I used to know and love, which was full of freethinkers and go getters, back.


If there is any of the younger generation reading this. The ball is in your court. I’ve tried. It’s your turn now to save the country.


British rail?

roller coaster



Oh shit.

rope break

I wonder what his weapon of choice is?


I just hope you have a tight fitting glove.

snow death

I like aircraft. But…………………………..

plane stupid

That’s cheeting.


Over you go. extreme rafting.


Hold your breath.

beach girls

My favourite

cat and ball

Lunch is dropping in.


Monday 27 June 2011

Hike in energy prices

danger of death

FE has just received a letter from his energy provider appraising him of price rises in August. I wonder how many people actually look at the figures given and calculate the actual rises overall.

To begin with the increase in electric supply seems to be a very good deal indeed. A 1% rise for both peak and off peak periods. Not bad I hear you say.

But we come to the gas tariff. A whopping increase of 20%.

And that’s not all. The daily service charge for gas has gone up by 26% and the electric by a humungous 79%.

I wonder how much of that is made up in green taxes?

I’ll give it a month to allow the cartel of energy providers to set their final prices and then goodbye Scottish Power.

Anyone else had rises in line with this?

I’ve been busy.

As you’ll know I’ve been away for a while. It’s been a busy two weeks fraught with house moving and hospital visiting. The house move went well, though it was a good thing that I brought my tools. What I can’t understand, is why take the curtain poles, but not the brackets that support them?

The Hospital thing was not so much fun. Master FE was admitted last Sunday for removal of his cancerous thyroid. The operation was carried out on Monday morning and we visited that evening when he was out of the recovery room, and back on the surgical ward. What a sorry sight to behold. Our strapping 6’ 1” son, barely awake with oxygen tubes down his nose, a drip in his arm, and drainage tubes from the site of the operation.

Now the good news.

We visited the following afternoon and were amazed to find him propped up in bed, completely lucid, no tubes and only some discomfort. What was even more amazing was to find him in the evening cross legged, surfing the internet on my laptop!

It was a while however, before he could be discharged as his calcium levels defiantly refused to stabilise. (A side effect of thyroid removal). It was thought that he would have to stay in till today. However a phone call from the boy on Saturday morning revealed that they’d  got fed up with him and he was being discharged.

I’ve just phoned him and he’s doing the shopping in Sainsbury’s. Says he’s feeling fine , but hungry.

Saturday 18 June 2011

Light to no blogging

Today I’m driving back up North as my son is going into hospital to have his thyroid removed. I don’t know how long I’ll be up there, but he’ll need my help after the operation. 

In the meantime if anyone has any fresh ideas of what I should blog about. Feel free to let me know in the comments here.

Have a nice day.

Friday 17 June 2011

More Friday foolery

Sorry .... for the next 2 days I won't be able to respond to my e-mails...

A friend is painting the ceilings in my house.















I was asked to stabilize the ladder and give Technical advice
You know me.
I'm always there to help.

Also, do you think five ten coats is enough?

iShoot app


Wonderful  what you can do with an i phone

Google Earth and iPhones are crucial for Libyan rebels defending the city Misrata from troops loyal to Muammar Gaddafi, according to a Times report. Meanwhile NATO pilots may be picking their targets from tweets.

­Google’s satellite map combined with a compass app for Apple mobile phones and a mortar-ranging table help Misrata rebels shell their enemy with artillery pieces they have captured, British newspaper The Times reports.
Scouts with binoculars spot Gaddafi troops’ positions and report back. Thanks to Google Earth, the artillery teams know the exact distance between them and the loyalists. And an iPhone’s compass tied to the barrel with an eight-meter wire helps to align the weapon.

Oh and don’t forget Twitter has it’s uses.

Meanwhile the Canadian newspaper Globe and Mail says NATO is closely monitoring Twitter when picking targets for air strikes in Libya.

"We get information from open sources on the internet; we get Twitter," it cites a NATO spokesman, Wing Commander Mike Bracken, as saying. "You name any source of media and our fusion center will deliver all of that into usable intelligence."

I'm not addicted to oil

I share this man’s sentiments entirely

I'm addicted to being able to drive into town on my own schedule. I'm addicted to being able to haul home a week's worth of shopping with two little kids in tow without having to wait for the fucking bus with eighty pounds of filled plastic bags in my hands. (That's disregarding the fact that I live out in the sticks, and the nearest bus stop is four miles away, which is one hell of a hike with the aforementioned two little kids and week's worth of shopping.)

"I don't give a shit what kind of substance I have to put in the tank of the minivan to feed that particular addiction. I don't care about oil. If my minivan ran on distilled cow piss, I'd fill up with distilled cow piss. If they ever come up with an electric minivan that goes the speed limit on the motorway, accelerates to motorway speeds in less time than a geologic epoch, and doesn't need to be recharged every fifty miles with electricity that comes from a coal-powered plant anyway, I'll gladly buy one of those and deep-six the old combustion engine. --


Thursday 16 June 2011

Engineering as it used to be. (The drink and debauchery bit)

I opened the door and entered the bar………………………..

What met my eye was immaculately laid tables serviced by waiters in Tuxedos, and waitresses in long flowing dresses, serving an elite clientele.


What met my eye was a dark and dingy room with a haphazard arrangement of crudely made tables, populated by, to my naive  mind, denizens of the underworld with two heads. Eventually when my eyesight became accustomed to the gloom, I realised that these weren’t two headed creatures, they were just two people of the opposite sex sharing one lap.

I then sidled over to an empty table and sat down, not knowing what the etiquette was in places such as this. Seconds passed before a young lady swooped down on me and said “ You want to drink, big boy”. All I could do was gulp and ask for a beer. (Tiger if you’re interested).

In a flash this vision of delight (If you’ve spent months at sea, a female hippopotamus looks like miss world), produced a pint with the words “50 cents, and you buy me drink”. (I didn’t put a question mark after the last sentence as it appeared to be an order). I didn’t dare refuse. The oriental maiden returned with her rather suspicious looking drink (coloured water) and without a bye your leave, plonked her derriere onto my lap. Imagine what that does to an eighteen year old who’s been away at sea for a while. I can’t understand why she wriggled for so long to get comfortable?

After  a while of discoursing about Plato’s theory of the republic and einstein’s  theory of relativity she asked me a question that I didn’t know how to answer. Was I a cherry boy?  After months in the sun my skin was quite brown, and certainly not cherry  coloured, so I just avoided the question.

In the meantime  I’d realised that I was having difficulty hearing.Looking through the gloom I suddenly realised that I wasn’t suffering from some sort of ear disease, it was a local group wailing at the end of the bar.

I could go on, but needless to say, after far too many drinks that night, my sensible head took over and I left, never to return. (Till the next night).

Do you want to hear about bands, urine, stairs, and Ladyboys? If so you’ll have to wait a while.


Did you know that there is an EU directive that now makes it illegal to dump carbon composites in Land fill?

Oh and you can’t burn it either because of the Toxic vapours given off.

In that case what are they going to do with obsolete wind turbine blades?

Professor Henning Albers from the Institut für Umwelt und Biotechnik, Hochschule Bremen, calculates that at current growth rates by 2034, there will be a mountain of 225,000 tonnes of unwanted rotor blade material waste.

I suppose we could make a giant folly on Westminster Green. Or better get them sent back to DECC.

I’m waiting with bated breath

I sent the below E mail to my council a week or so ago. So far they haven’t sent a reply, but just acknowledged it. That’s fine, they’ve still got time.

However if they do reply with the fact they have purchased tickets, then I’d like to know what authority gives them the right to spend taxpayers money in this way?


From: The Filthy Engineer
Sent: 2011/06/08 14:32:11
Subject: FOI Request

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to obtain information about how many tickets your organisation applied for and the total amount spent on tickets for the 2012 Olympics.

To outline my query as clearly as possible, I am requesting:

  1. The total number of tickets your organisation applied for
  2. The total amount paid for tickets (or amount outstanding if not yet paid)
  3. Please break this information down by event

My preferred format to receive this information is electronically, but if that is not possible I will gladly accept letters at the address below.

I would be grateful if you would acknowledge receipt of this request as soon as possible.

Kind regards

The Filthy Engineer

Filthy Towers



It’s not as if they’ve made poor financial decisions in the past. Oh wait. They lost 50 million of the reserves in the Iceland debacle. (The highest of any county).

Need some cash?

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

1... Drive up to the ATM.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off..

(Unfortunately, most of this  is true.!!)
1. Drive up to ATM machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN ...
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to ATM machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.
27. Release Hand Brake.

Wednesday 15 June 2011

What happens when Greece defaults. Here are a few things:

Every bank in Greece will instantly go insolvent.
The Greek government will nationalise every bank in Greece.
The Greek government will forbid withdrawals from Greek banks.
To prevent Greek depositors from rioting on the streets, Argentina-2002-style (when the Argentinian president had to flee by helicopter from the roof of the presidential palace to evade a mob of such depositors), the Greek government will declare a curfew, perhaps even general martial law.
Greece will redenominate all its debts into “New Drachmas” or whatever it calls the new currency (this is a classic ploy of countries defaulting)
The New Drachma will devalue by some 30-70 per cent (probably around 50 per cent, though perhaps more), effectively defaulting 0n 50 per cent or more of all Greek euro-denominated debts.
The Irish will, within a few days, walk away from the debts of its banking system.
The Portuguese government will wait to see whether there is chaos in Greece before deciding whether to default in turn.
A number of French and German banks will make sufficient losses that they no longer meet regulatory capital adequacy requirements.
The European Central Bank will become insolvent, given its very high exposure to Greek government debt, and to Greek banking sector and Irish banking sector debt.
The French and German governments will meet to decide whether (a) to recapitalise the ECB, or (b) to allow the ECB to print money to restore its solvency. (Because the ECB has relatively little foreign currency-denominated exposure, it could in principle print its way out, but this is forbidden by its founding charter.  On the other hand, the EU Treaty explicitly, and in terms, forbids the form of bailouts used for Greece, Portugal and Ireland, but a little thing like their being blatantly illegal hasn’t prevented that from happening, so it’s not intrinsically obvious that its being illegal for the ECB to print its way out will prove much of a hurdle.)
They will recapitalise, and recapitalise their own banks, but declare an end to all bailouts.
There will be carnage in the market for Spanish banking sector bonds, as bondholders anticipate imposed debt-equity swaps.
This assumption will prove justified, as the Spaniards choose to over-ride the structure of current bond contracts in the Spanish banking sector, recapitalising a number of banks via debt-equity swaps.
Bondholders will take the Spanish Banking Sector to the European Court of Human Rights (and probably other courts, also), claiming violations of property rights. These cases won’t be heard for years. By the time they are finally heard, no-one will care.
Attention will turn to the British banks. Then we shall see…
I hope that they don't do this before I go on Holiday.
Just saying.

Be careful what you say in front of the children

This should make you smile.
You have to love little kids.



The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY flavoured polos. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spat her polo out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're arse-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room !!!

The Greens will freeze. (Hopefully)

Another of these may be about to happen on a planet near you.

The Maunder Minimum

Early records of sunspots indicate that the Sun went through a period of inactivity in the late 17th century. Very few sunspots were seen on the Sun from about 1645 to 1715. Although the observations were not as extensive as in later years, the Sun was in fact well observed during this time and this lack of sunspots is well documented. This period of solar inactivity also corresponds to a climatic period called the "Little Ice Age" when rivers that are normally ice-free froze and snow fields remained year-round at lower altitudes. There is evidence that the Sun has had similar periods of inactivity in the more distant past. The connection between solar activity and terrestrial climate is an area of on-going research.

Global cooling when it happens is going to bite the Eco loons in their arses.

You take the average ecoloon.

He’s bought his eco friendly modern box which has all the credentials that will have Caroline Lucas wetting her pants with joy.

Loft insulation

Cavity wall insulation

Double glazing

Environmentally friendly paint

Eco friendly electric lamps

Condensing central heating boiler.

He might even have fitted a wind turbine or a solar panel or two.

The Scenario:

It’s now the year 2030 and world temperatures have continued to fall. The UK, in the years before  the hysteria about global warming/climate change was in full swing, failed to invest in conventional power generation. Coal, gas an nuclear. The time is nine O’clock at night, in the month of December. A high pressure is expected to sit over a province of the United States of Europe. (UK to you and me).

Disaster strikes.

One of our last overloaded coal fired power stations fails due to a bomb attack by one of the increasing number of home grown Muslim insurgent groups.

The temperature as forecast by the discredited Met Office is minus two degrees and rolling blackouts are happening all over the country.

Oh dear,you greens might say. We have made the concession that we support natural gas as an interim, not so dirty solution.


I’m afraid to say that your modern condensing boiler will not work without those wiggly things called volts. IE Electrickery.

You have just condemned the young, infirm, and the elderly, to death through hypothermia.

Luckily FE will not be one of them because he lives in one of those old fashioned houses that have a fireplace and a chimney.


Rant over. Apologies for the bad language. (NOT)

Computer poetry for us oldies

This is modern computer poetry. FE started with a ZX81.

A computer was something on TV
From a science-fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch Floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead

Airey Fairy nonsense

It’s Global Wind Day.

Global Wind Day is a worldwide event that occurs annually on 15 June. It is a day for promoting wind, its power and the possibilities it holds to change our world.


Tuesday 14 June 2011

I’m back. I think.

In the last post I intimated that I was travelling to the North to assist my son in moving home. Well that happened in the usual chaotic fashion that only moving house can entail. Your FE now wishes that he’d never let on, to his son, that FE was good at DIY. I’ve put up curtain tracks, towel rails, toilet roll holders, installed a washing machine, and repaired the boiler. And I’ve now driven 300 miles south to free the cats from their cattery prison camp. (Actually I think they preferred to be there, to tell you the truth. The scratches on my arm feel really sore) I’ll try and post something that you might be interest in in the next couple of  days, but soon I have to head back up north for a more important matter.

My son has to go into hospital as he’s just been diagnosed as having cancer of the Thyroid. This will entail removal of the thyroid gland in it’s entirety, followed by radiotherapy treatment using Iodine 1-131. Worrying times ahead. However to look on the bright side, his type of cancer of the Thyroid has a very high cure rate. 97% to quote the statistics.

What is most worrying is that apparently he’s liable to set of all the scanners at airports within three months of his treatment.

Bugger. We’re going on holiday in august.

Now before you all call me a heartless bugger, my son thinks as pragmatically as me.  We never give up or come over all weepy.


How to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars See If They Slow Down.

2. On all your check stubs, write " For Marijuana."

3. Skip down the street Rather than Walk, and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6.   When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream" I Won!   I Won!"

7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the the Car Park, Yelling "Run For Your Lives!  They're Loose!"

8. Tell Your Children over Dinner, "Due To the Economy, We are Going To Have To Let One of You Go."



Friday 10 June 2011

Gone out

Blogging will light to non-existent for a while as I’m going to help my son to move house.

Thursday 9 June 2011

I must wash my mouth out with soap and water

I watched question time tonight.

In all of the debates whether it be international aid, children’s dress, or the conflict in Libya, Eight times  we were exhorted to think of the cheeeldren.

Not once were we supposed to think of the grownups.

Is this discrimination against you and me?

If any children are reading this blog, then bugger off and go and buy your own padded bras with your own money. Which of course you don’t have.

Think of the cheeeeldren. Lightly grilled would be to my taste.


THE number of people paying hush money to their wheelie bins has increased by 60 percent in the last 12 months, it emerged last night.

We've all been there

With more councils installing artificially intelligent bins, people with something to hide say the cost of being blackmailed could force them to give up at least one of their sordid and disturbing obsessions.

Ian, a 32 year-old from Stevenage, said: "It started last September. I dropped a bag of rubbish into the bin and turned to walk away when I heard someone say the word 'pervert'.
"I looked up and down the street, but there was no-one there so I started to walk off, but then I heard the same voice again saying 'yeah, you... pervert'.
"I then realised it was coming from the direction of the bin. As I leaned in, the bin suddenly started chuckling and said 'I know what you've been up to, with your washing up gloves and your ketchup and your over-ripe melons'.
"It then explained that £50 a week should cover it and gave me its sort code and account number so I could set up a direct debit."
He added: "At first I was very resentful and would get up in the middle of the night, heave it into the back of my car and drive it to an old quarry or leave it in the middle of a field, but it always managed to find its way home by morning. And of course when you try and pull that sort of shit with a corrupt wheelie bin, it's only going to cost you more money."
He added: "Eventually you just have to accept the situation and factor it in to the overall cost of your shameful but irresistible perversions."

The Local Government Association insists most wheelie bins are not programmed for blackmail and will usually recommend counselling, medication or a hefty dose of church.

Meanwhile Britain's serial killers have launched a petition demanding stupider bins unable to piece together the eclectic mix of clues contained in the refuse bag of a typical maniac. Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster, said: "Most weeks I'll throw away 28 Alphabetti Spaghetti tins, a dozen empty bleach bottles, three bags of feet and a copy of the Daily Mail which I've covered in yellow highlighter and exclamation marks.
"I know I should probably stop reading it. But I can't."

Climate sceptic, Me?

I am a sceptic of Anthropogenic Global warming, Human made climate change, and all the rest of the crap the Greenie leftists throw at us. I was pointed to a site some months ago that is populated by the usual frothing at the mouth, rabid Gaia worshipers . President, George Monbiot. Honorary Vice president, Caroline Lucas (Spit). The site is grandly titled “Campaign against Climate Change” (CCC), (spits again).

To cut along story short I subscribed to their mailing list. It really is pitiful. It doesn’t ever mention this blog. It hurts me deeply. After all I even E mailed them with links to here and here.

It would seem that they are going to have rallies in July all to be of a “submergence” theme. (That’s their title. I didn’t make it up).

More amusing though, is a photo-op involving people standing semi-submerged in water – holding a banner saying “Zero Carbon Britain before we drown”. One of the venues is “Here in London we are hoping to do this at an appropriate place in the River Thames. “

thames map edited 450

Well they wouldn’t be able to do that at high tide otherwise they’d drown(Mmmm), so they’ll have to do that at low tide. Have you seen the Thames at low tide? Well I assure you, dear readers, that they’d better come prepared with industrial strength washing materials, as they will be wallowing up to their waists in a sea of mud.



       Saturday 16th July

         is Zero Carbon Brain Day, a day
                to promote the goal of a
          'Zero Carbon Britain' by 2030

              When:  7.30 pm to  midnight
              Where: on the Thames,
Central London

I think I might just nip up to thee big smoke that day with my camera.

P.S. They have a forum at their site. Last post was 26 weeks ago.

Latest News Stories

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

Police stop a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?". The driver leans into the back and says "hear that - 3 of you have got to get out".

4 Illegal immigrants suffocated in the back of a Tesco lorry last night. Every little helps.

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. "Bollocks to that", said Paddy, "That's the last time I go lion dancing"

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain.

The movie they don’t want shown

Wednesday 8 June 2011

That’s My WiFi done for then

An extraordinary solar flare - the biggest seen in five years - could interfere with satellite communications and power grids on Earth over the next couple of days, experts have warned.

The effects of the storm are predicted to be moderate and could be felt from around 6pm tonight, lasting for 12 - 24 hours.


Just another public service broadcast.

The Demon drink

Many have found themselves stumbling home late at night, a little worse for wear and unable to hail a taxi. Well the man in this little little video takes the Biscuit.

See the evils of the demon drink demonstrated above. Now in the interests of the “Big Society” (Or some such rot), stop, and stop NOW. You have been warned. I haven’t had a drink since……….Let me think? I remember now. Last night.

A public service broadcast delivered to you free from The Government Department of Filthy Engineers.

*And before you shout at me. No. I don’t read the Sun*

Bring back any memories?

Someone  asked the other day, 'What was your favourite  'fast food' when you were growing  up?'
'We  didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I  informed him.
'All  the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously..  Where did you eat?'
'It  was a place called 'home,'' I explained.  
'Mum  cooked every day and when Dad got home from  work, we sat down together at the dining room  table, and if I didn't like what she put on my  plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did  like it.'

By  this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was  afraid he was going to suffer serious internal  damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how  I had to have permission to leave the  table.

But  here are some other things I would have told him  about my childhood if I'd figured his system  could have handled it:

Some  parents NEVER owned their own house, wore jeans,  set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the  country or had a credit  card.

My  parents never drove me to school. I had a  bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and  only had one speed,  (slow).

We  didn't have a television in our house until I  was 7.
It was, of course, black and white,  and the station went off the air at 10 pm, after  playing the national anthem and epilogue; it  came back on the air at about 6 p.m.

I  never had a telephone in my room. The only phone  was on a party line. Before you could dial, you  had to listen and make sure some people you  didn't know weren't already using the  line.

Pizzas  were not delivered to our home... But milk  was.

All  newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys  delivered newspapers.

Film  stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least,  they did in the films. There were no movie  ratings because all movies were responsibly  produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without  profanity or violence or almost anything  offensive.

If  you grew up in a generation before there was  fast food, you may want to share some of these  memories with your children or grandchildren.  Just don't blame me if they burst their sides laughing.  
Growing  up isn't what it used to be, is  it?

MEMORIES  from a friend:
My  Dad is cleaning out my grandmother' s house (she  died in December) and he brought me  an old Royal Crown Cola bottle.   In  the bottle top was a stopper with a load of  holes in it...    I knew  immediately what it was, but my daughter had no  idea.   She thought they had tried to  make it a salt shaker or something.    I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of  the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with  because we didn't have steam irons.    Man, I am old.

How  many do you remember?
Headlight  dip-switches on the floor of the  car.
Ignition  switches on the  dashboard.
Trouser  leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.  
Soldering  irons you heated on a gas burner.
Using  hand signals for cars without turn indicators.  (I failed my first driving test on that one)
No central heating.

Older  Than Dirt Quiz:
Count  all the ones that you remember, not the ones you  were told about.
Ratings  at the bottom.

1. Sweet  cigarettes
2.  Coffee shops with juke   boxes
3. Home milk  delivery in glass bottles
4.  Party lines on the  telephone
5. Newsreels before  the movie
6.  TV test patterns that came on at night after the  last show and were there until TV shows started  again in the afternoon (There were only 2  channels [if you were  fortunate])
7.  Peashooters  
8. 33 rpm  records
9.  45 RPM records
10.78  RPM records
11.  Hi-fi's
12. Metal ice trays with  levers
13.  Blue flashbulb
14.  Cork popguns
15.  Wash  tub wringers

If  you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If  you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If  you remembered 7-11 = Don't tell your age
If  you remembered 12-15 = You're positively  ancient!

I  must be 'positively ancient' but those memories  are some of the best parts of my  life.

Tuesday 7 June 2011

What do you do, or say?

A hypothetical question.

You are informed by one of your children that they have a cancerous growth. Do you?:

Sink into despair and fear the worst.

Look on the Brightside and ignore the realities.

Endeavour to find out the true statistics.

I theoretically find myself in this dilemma . I’m a lost blogger at this time.

They’ll come for you next.

*Puts on tin Foil Hat*



I see the latest bright idea to protect the Cheeeldren is, censorship by any other name, of the Internet.

Theresa May will outline plans to prevent computers in schools, libraries and colleges from accessing unlawful material on the internet.
She has criticised universities for their "complacency" in tackling Islamic extremism on campus, saying that for too long they have not been sufficiently willing to recognise what was happening

All in the name of protecting us from Terrorism.

But how long will it be before some bright spark in Government decides that us, anti big state, libertarians Bloggers are a threat to them.

Just a quick tweak of an Algorithm and………………………………………………

*Takes off nearly worn out tinfoil hat and replaces it carefully back in the cupboard*

Monday 6 June 2011

Why did I start blogging?

It’s all down to money, believe it or not.

It all started with a frank discussion with my eldest daughter about the money she owed to credit card companies and banks. I endeavoured to attempt to help her as best as I could. After a bit of research I found an internet forum that purported to have a formula to regain the high charges that were being levied on her. However that forum was infested with Moderators that knew best, even when they were proved wrong so I left that forum when I was  invited to join a new forum made up of those dissatisfied with the forum I’d left. I thoroughly enjoyed being a member there and with the exchange of experience I managed to claw back a large amount of money for my daughter (Bye the way Santander, you’re quite useless. You didn’t actually need to reimburse my daughter twice!). I also helped claw money back for others caught in the same predicament.

After eighteen months there, with many online friends, they opened an internal blogspot. This is where I found I could let my thoughts expand and run riot.

Eventually I realised that I was only writing to a narrow audience that didn’t understand my passion  for writing about other than bank penalty charges. Not their fault at all. They were wonderful people doing a sterling job. But I had to move on.

Somehow I came across Blogger, and with great trepidation wrote my first post. This of course, was a heap of manure, but is was my first foray into the Blogosphere. And have I learnt so much, in so little time.

I’ve had to learn to add hyperlinks, imbed video and pictures, make up a blogroll, try and answer comments in polite and erudite way, and so much more.

Luckily I found out most of these from other bloggers who have been keen to help new bloggers.

I’d like to pay a little tribute to those bloggers that have opened my eyes to the sheer delusion that politicians are here to  serve us, the climate change scam, that there are fake charities, useless bloodsucking quangos, the EU and it’s money stealing devices, and numerous other issues that the general public seem to be unaware of.

I can never match the top bloggers, but I’ll do my best to improve and stay the course.

There is no North/South divide.

Not if you are a property vendor.

Last year I helped one of my kids buy a flat in North London. On the day of moving her in, we find that the vendors have removed the bathroom fitted mirror (Complete with the plaster from the wall), All the sink and bath plugs, several curtain tracks, and even the oven shelves from the fitted oven.

On Friday I’m off to the North to help my son move into the property we have helped him buy. Guess what? Mirrors gone, curtain tracks  removed (Looks like they’ve been removed by brute force , rather than finessed with a screwdriver), and they’ve even walked off with the Wheelie bins.

I’d guess that the couple from North London, moved to the North to continue their vandalistic lifestyle. All I can add is. You’re next Scotland and Wales.


I just don't understand my wife.   She's

always nagging me to keep things around

the house fixed up..........


I replaced the broken door latch on her car.

car door

I installed new taps in the kitchen sink.

kitchen sink

I fixed the sagging kitchen cabinets.


I replaced the rotten steps by the front door.


She wanted a Porta-Potty" for when we went camping.

plastic chair

She wanted more privacy in the bathroom.


I fixed everything she wanted.......  
And still, she isn't happy....!

Note to self. Must get around to serious posting.

No change.

David Cameron will commit to five guarantees on the NHS as he tries to shore up support for the Government's health reforms.

The personal pledges are: keeping waiting lists low, maintaining spending, no privatisation, ensuring patient care is properly co-ordinated and that the health service remains universally available and free at the point of delivery.

So that’s a no to reform then. Why didn’t you say that before?

Sunday 5 June 2011

Oh ****


A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

Saturday 4 June 2011

Orphans Of Liberty

If you haven’t been there please do. There is a new collective, independent Blog, called The Orphans of liberty. Well worth adding to your Blogroll.

We woz brung up wivout health and safety

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL WHO WERE BORN IN THE  1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and even early 70's

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Burger King.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner shop and buy  Toffees, Gob stoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.

We ate biscuits, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
no video/dvd  films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms...........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.
Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays, we rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!
RUGBY and CRICKET had try outs and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT
Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO

And YOU are one of them!

Maybe our Antipodean friends are waking up to the fact they are being scammed.

It would be nice to see our political class taking heed.

But then our politicians are not very clever either. Look at Huhne. He can’t even manage his own life.

And a little extra.

Friday 3 June 2011

Computer support

cat and keyboard

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a  distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the  flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as  Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs  such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer
runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to  fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband  is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved  Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as  designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery  and Flowers, but remember, overuse of the above application can cause  Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very  bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the  background that will eventually seize control of all your system  resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are  unsupported applications and will crash Husband.
In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and  cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running  one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to  improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Mobile Phones. Ban them now!

The boy was leaving his work yesterday where he works as an industrial chemist, and as he usually does, he uses his phone on the way to the car to phone his sister. (Very occasionally he calls his father. That’s me)

Halfway through his telephone call he hears a loud bang from behind him and presumes it is the building safety valve lifting. He carries on with his phone call.

Finally conversation exhausted, he jumps in the car to drive home only to discover on rounding the corner of the building that the he heard noise wasn’t a safety valve at all.

He is presented with a slight problem. The way is blocked by the rubble of the building next door that has blown up!

Needless to say he was late for his evening meal.

Apparently the town was still blanketed by a chemical miasma this morning.

Friday Night at the Opera

Dear David.

Mr Cameron. This is why your big society won’t work.

A MASSIVE village litter pick has been binned after organisers were swamped by red tape.

The planned community event to celebrate World Environment Day in Otford was scuppered by health and safety issues.

Villagers were lined up to clean the recreation ground on Sunday, but their plans were cut short after the parish council's insurance providers, AON Corporation, insisted every participant would need a high-visibility jacket, protective gloves and a litter-picking claw.

What I can’t understand is that it’s in the recreation ground, so why are Hi vis  jackets required?

And why the need for this?

They also insisted that among the volunteers one should be a trained first aider with a mobile phone in case of emergency.

Does this mean that the lone early morning dog walker will have to have first aid training?

And the usual claptrap from the Righteous.

A spokesman for AON said: "The list of requirements for an event of this nature is extensive but necessary.

"It is for the safety of participants that we make these requests, however stringent they may be, and therefore they must be adhered to."

Now if I’d been the villagers I would have gone ahead anyway. I’ve not heard yet that there is an offence  of “Illegal litter picking”, or “Failure to display a high visibility jacket”

I might be wrong.

Fact or Fiction

I really don’t know. This was an open letter posted on the Internet a few days ago, and since been taken down.


For reasons which will become obvious, I can't reveal my full identity. But let me just say that, I am an executive with Sony Music UK with many years experience in music mangement. My work involves close liasion with Simon Cowell's SYCO company (specifically SYCO Music and SYCO TV) and, as a result, I have seen what goes on from the inside and this has left me increasingly uncomfortable about the integrity of Britain's Got Talent and particularly the workings of SYCO.
It's long been known that there is a quite a degree of "fixing" in BGT. ( Daily Mail ) But press reports on "fixing" are only the tip pf the iceberg when it comes to SYCO's manipulation of, not only the show and the contestants, but also the viewing public and hopefully, in this email, I can shine some light on the smoke and mirrors trickery of SYCO.

Take BGT 2011 for example. Scouts working for SYCO first saw Ronan Parke (the 12 year old singer) some two years ago when he was just 10 and was singing at a birthday party for former Norwich City goal-keeper, Bryan Gunn. Following that, Ronan was privately auditioned by SYCO scouts on two more occasions and, as is usual practice on BGT, he was "invited" to audition for the show as a "preferred" contestant. At the same time, Ronan and his parents were "required" to enter into a contract with SYCO. Like all SYCO contracts, it is heavily weighted in favour of the label and are notoriously bad, even in the cut-throat world of the music industry. Simon effectively signed Ronan for life and he's got little or no chance of ever getting out of it...unless Simon decides to terminate. Recording contracts are legally extremely complex and usually require input and advice from very expensive, specialist contract lawyers. SYCO knows that such legal advice goes well beyond the means of most contestants. As one senior SYCO executive said to me recently. "These people are mugs. They'll sign away their own mother just to get on tv. It's a fucking turkey-shoot and then we own their arses!"

As is common for "invited" contestants that SYCO likes and have already signed, Ronan and his parents were provided with a car to drive them to the audition in London. These "invited" contestants don't have to queue up with everyone else, they don't go through the preliminary auditions with producers, but perform straight to Simon and the judging panel at a prearranged time-slot. And so it was for Ronan back in 2009 when he was just 10.
It was at this initial audition that I first met Ronan and he looked very different back then. He was a skinny, 10 year old lad who, even at that time, was a bit effeminate. His voice needed a bit of working on, but that wouldn't be a problem.
Unfortunately, nerves got the better of Ronan and he was unable to perform. Simon however, had already seen the audition tapes from the scouts and took Ronan into an unused dressing room and got him to sing in there with his mum for support.

Clearly Ronan was not going to be part of BGT in 2009 and nothing from this was ever televised.
Ordinarily, you would think that would be the end of things, but with Ronan already signed to SYCO, far from it. This was just the start of a two year grooming and manipulation process to prepare Ronan for stardom.
It's no big secret that Simon has been looking for an artist who could crack the very lucrative pre-teen market for some time, particularly in the US. If you like, he wanted his own rival to Bieber and, taking a leaf out of how professional football academies develop youngersters to feed their main team, Simon wanted his own singing academy and Ronan was just one of a number of identified youngsters, with whom SYCO intensively works with.

A development package, which included professional singing, dancing and stage-craft tuition was arranged for Ronan and the SYCO machine kicked into gear with the view of Ronan entering BGT 2010. Lots of work had been done with Ronan and his voice was much improved, unfortunately nerves were still a major issue for him and it was decided by SYCO not to enter him into the 2010 series. At a following senior exec meeting at SYCO it was suggested that Ronan be dropped, but with Simon confident that he could be the kid he had been looking for, it was agreed that Ronan would receive "intensive support and input" to ready him for the 2011 series. Although Ronan's voice was now stunning, there were other major problems to be dealt with in order to sell him to the public. With respect to Ronan, he was nothing more than a cooky-looking, skinny runt of a kid and this was identified as a major handicap to sales.
It was agreed at a high-level, secret SYCO meeting, that if they were to do anything with Ronan, he needed totally restyling from the toes up. And so with time running out to develop Ronan into the star Simon wanted, SYCO went into overdrive.

Ronan was even given speech and elocution training to rid him of his rural Norfolk accent, again in preparation for the potential US market. As for his effeminate and girlishness, this posed a bigger problem and resulted in many highly confidential meetings. At one of these meetings, the unthinkable was raised as a way forward....

Until now Ronan had been encouraged to "boy-up" and it was planned to present Ronan as an everyday skater-boy. But with his girliness still showing through, the image just wasn't believable. So a decision was taken to encourage and allow Ronan to "release" and enhance his campness . Disgustingly, SYCO planned to sexualise him. They were well aware of course, that if they sexualised a young girl to look sexually older than she is, all hell would let loose. But with Ronan, as one executive put it, "no one has ever seen a 'gay' kid before, it'll be a novelty." As for the pre-teen market, it was accepted they wouldn't care if Ronan appeared gay or not...most probably don't know what gay is anyway. And so, with a total gaysexualisation of Ronan secretly planned, SYCO got to work. I should stress, Ronan's parents were not aware of any of this and were never consulted about Ronan's development or management. When I first met Ronan he was a bit effeminate in his ways, but nothing like the camp, girlie-giggling kid you see now on BGT and this is a direct result of SYCO's styling. Even his clothing worn at the audition and live semi-final were chosen for him by SYCO to match his new image.

SYCO took over everything to do with Ronan. His hairstyle, his clothes, his poise, giving tv interviews, you name it, Ronan was styled within an inch of his life and all on the promise of stardom, just as long as he worked hard and listened to his mentors. As for Ronan's parents they were constantly reassured that Simon was personally looking after Ronan and "it's all good".

And so to BGT 2011. With Ronan ready to be unveiled, SYCO bosses, under instructions from Simon did something not done in previous series of BGT; the winner of BGT 2011 was decided long before the first auditions took place and that winner HAD to be Ronan Parke. With Ronan now 12, he looked and sounded just as SYCO had planned, but time was running out. Soon Ronan would be going into puberty and his voice would eventually break, so BGT 2011 had to be the vehicle to launch Ronan's career; another year and as a singer he would probably be beyond any meaningful career and the opportunity will have been missed. With all this investment in Ronan, the production managers at SYCO TV are ready to deliver Ronan as ordered. Again, I need to stress, Ronan and his parents know nothing of this and have no idea Ronan will win BGT this weekend.

So far in the history of BGT and X-Factor, for that matter, no one has ever won who has not been an "invited or preferred" contestant, and it does sadden me that, all those thousands of people, lining up outside, often in the rain and cold, are basically wasting their time. The producers of BGT are not looking for the talented people, they aready have those. The reality is that the producers are hunting out oddities, freaks and, I'm ashamed to say, mentally ill people, to act as amusing fillers in the audition shows. They are nothing more than unpaid extras and they don't even qualify for traveling expenses!
It's quite disgusting and shameful really, how the production team on BGT operate. People come from all over the country, often at great personal expense, because they think BGT is a talent competition and they stand a chance of realising their dreams. I can tell you from the inside that BGT is no more a "competition", than I am an astronaut. Nothing is left to chance on BGT, everything is micro-managed, choreographed, manipulated and planned down to the last detail including, the telephone voting. The ability to manipulate viewers opinion is vital if you are to control telephone voting and indeed get the required result.

SYCO see this as essential to the success of the show and are very open about fact; planning and delivering live shows of quality is impossible if it was purely left to the public vote. As Simon said in a meeting once. "The public NEED to be told who to vote for." Everything on BGT is geared towards telling you who you should for, particularly on the production side. It's an art really, which Simon has honed to perfection and SYCO are now world leaders at.
The micro-management of Ronan's audition performance was incredible. I was really quite shocked at his new image. From a starting point of wanting Ronan to look cute for the pre-teen market, SYCO had totally gayed him up in the process. Ronan's not a 16 year old expressing his sexualty for the first time, he's a 12 year old boy. It was horrible and I was very uncomfortable as to where this was going to end. Ronan, still suffering from nerves, performed his song and received a standing ovation from all three judges...why? Because it was in the script to give Ronan a standing ovation. As for Louis comment. "Ronan Parke. Remember that name. This kid's gonna be a star!!" - that was actually fed to him from the production gallery and I know the guy who wrote the line. And when it comes to Ronan's tears...well, check it out on YouTube or something. You see Ronan crying and wiping away tears. Only you don't see any actual tears, not even on close-up and on an HD tv. Yep you guessed it, even that was choreographed, right down to the lip-biting!
It was also interesting to see that even before the final credits rolled on Ronan's audition show, SYCO TV had uploaded the offical video of Ronan onto YouTube. Today, that particular video has been viewed over 2.5 million times and growing.

SYCO don't do that for other contestants, so why Ronan? The gaying-up Ronan plan slightly backfired on SYCO when lots of negative comments were being posted on YouTube and Twitter about Ronan's image and the supposed sexuality that represents. Things got so bad on YouTube that the posting of comments had to be suspended. But SYCO learned from this and dressed Ronan more appropriately for his semi-final show; preferring a much more Bieber inspired look to the 'gaykid' image presented in the audition.

In another unusal move for BGT contestants, SYCO created Ronan's Official Facebook Fan Page and Twitter account. Both these services are managed from within SYCO and they post messages and pictures, not Ronan. This is because they don't want Ronan posting anything controversial and is standard practice for currrent artists signed to SYCO.
And so this weekend will see Ronan crowned as winner of BGT 2011. Oh and let's not forget the £100k prize money. It's unlikely Ronan will see much or any of that. He's been signed to SYCO for two years now and under the terms of his contract, while SYCO stump-up for costs in advance, this is paid back from future earnings. So he will need to pay for all those lessons, coaches, cars, clothes, styling and management... I wouldn't be surprised even after winning BGT, if he is not still in debt to SYCO.

As a recording artist Ronan has a relatively short shelf-life. Simon knows he is going to have to hit the ground running to maximise Ronan's earning potential, particularly if they go ahead with a planned break into the States and the pace is going to be frantic for Ronan. If you think the music industry is bad in the UK, you haven't seen anything until you experience it Stateside.

With an "anything goes" attitude all morals have long since gone out of the window. There will be no allowance for Ronan's age and he will be expected to perform on late- night shows and dinners etc. And if he get exhausted, there's always some sleaze-bag on hand ready to put a line of coke under his nose. I've seen it a million times.
I know for a fact, that the songs have already been chosen for Ronan's debut single and album, and that the backing and drum tracks have already been laid down.

Of course, once Ronan's voice breaks, it's game-over and he will be commercially redundant for a few years. By the time he gets through that, the world will have moved on and his fan-base will have grown-up a bit. Will he make a comeback? In my experience I'd say probably not.
I've met Ronan a few times over the past couple of years. He's a really nice kid with a generous, warm personality and the most wonderfully cute, girlie-giggle. There's nothing to not like about Ronan. He's a really sensitive soul and this comes across as him being a bit effeminate. But in a world of thuggish chavs, Ronan's a real breath of fresh air really and a real delight to chat to. Do I think Ronan's gay? No, is the short answer to that. SYCO have got a lot to answer for in their initial styling and image for Ronan. Like many 12 year old boys, Ronan may have issues in coming to terms with his sexuality in a couple of years. But right now, he's just a great kid...a bit different, I admit...but a great kid just the same.

I hope Ronan is not damaged by this experience, unforunately, history warns otherwise...but whatever, the genie is already out of the bottle and come this weekend, Ronan's life will change forever. Whether it's a good or bad experience being a 12 year old star in today's music industry, only time will tell. But as an industry insider I have serious reservations about what is about to happen to Ronan Parke and I doubt he or his family are ready for what's coming.
Thanks to my friends on Twitter and Facebook for getting this document out. Without you my voice would be silent.
** If you want to help expose the lie which is Britain's Got Talent, please feel free to republish this article or post a link to it

Sony Music UK

I’m posting this as I’d actually like to know if this is true or not. Not that it’ll make me watch the programme anyway. I’d rather stick needles in my eyes.

H/T to Constantly Furious