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Thursday 21 October 2010

Hypocrites R Us


Just goes to show that the left doesn’t know what the right are doing. Best do your homework first before you start pontificating.

A council with one of London's strongest anti-smoking policies has bowed to pressure to reveal nearly £1.5 million it invests in tobacco firms.

Of course they didn’t want the truth out in the open.

But during an Evening Standard investigation into the payment of more than £160 million by London council pension funds into cigarette-making firms, the authority tried to obstruct publication of its holdings in such companies.
Officials eventually conceded the council directly owns £1 million in RJ Reynolds, maker of Camel cigarettes, through its pension fund. Further inquiries showed it invests nearly £500,000 more in other cigarette companies including
British American Tobacco and Imperial Tobacco.

Redbridge Council. Hang your heads in shame.

Me. I just laugh at the hypcrites

Diary of One Who Employs a Cleaner

So you think you've got the answer to all your cleaning problems... get a cleaner! It's simple. Or is it? The following diary written by someone who employs a cleaner might make you think again.

  • 7.30am Cleaner due in 90 minutes. Aaargh! Mad rush to clean, dust, spritz, buff and polish things so that cleaner doesn't think I'm a slob (she would of course be right). Hide dirty underwear. Bin really dirty underwear. Hide 'dirty' (ie provocative) underwear so cleaner doesn't think I'm kinky.

  • 8am Leave house to avoid encountering cleaner - she thinks I have a proper nine to five job.

  • 9am Realise I've forgotten to leave money for cleaner.

  • 9.30am Return home to encounter cleaner reading my mail. Embarrassed exchange of pleasantries and 20 quid.

  • 9.45am Point out that windows need cleaning. Cleaner sniffs. 'Don't do windows 'cos of me back'. Neither does she do 'fridges, ovens, chip pans or cat litter'. (I don't have a cat. Perhaps she is trying to tell me my flat smells a bit?)

  • 10am Cleaner makes tea, complains about lack of milk and asks whether I'm going to be late for work.

  • 11am - 5pm Mooch around shops trying not to think about what cleaner might be poking about with in my flat. Contemplate shinning up drainpipe and peering through window, then remember it's too dirty to see through.

  • 6pm Return home. Admire the way cleaner has moved every single item of furniture. Spend three hours moving it all back, and thus uncovering stains which cleaner couldn't be arsed to clean.

  • 9pm Note marked absence of biscuits, tea, pile of nicely ironed clothes and assorted newspapers marked 'please do not chuck out as I haven't read these yet'.

  • 10pm Sit down to watch video recording of Eastenders screened earlier on in the evening.

  • 10.05pm Discover that cleaner unplugged video and reset it.

  • 10.06pm Watch unwanted eight hour video of International Golf, before falling asleep and having violent dreams about disembowelment of cleaner with a Dyson crevice tool.

Repeat once a week as necessary, and say out loud, rhetorically, 'This is 'labour-saving'?'

They be shiny round things.


Uses for Unwanted CDs

Something obviously has to be done about this problem. Certain inventive minds have come up with a number of uses for these CDs, thus avoiding space wastage and also preventing future generations making the mistake of coming across these CDs and inserting them into their computers.

  • The current most popular use is to use them as frisbees. They don't fly very well, they break easily, but there's plenty more where they came from.

  • They can be stuck (label first) onto the wall in a pattern as a nice modern art decoration.

  • They make great novelty beer mats.

  • You can use particularly shiny ones as shaving mirrors.

  • Superglue them all together, and use as a large-volume, small-capacity Smarties (See Note 1) tube, as extra-secure cable insulation, as small coffee tables, or as rollers for transporting large furniture.

  • Become a physics lecturer and use them to demonstrate refraction of light.

  • Glue one to the back of your hamster's wheel so it can use its reflection as a pace setter while exercising.

  • Propose to your beloved and present it as a novelty engagement ring.

Note 1. These are small disc-shaped chocolate sweets sold in tubes and available in the UK.