Accepted uses of the F word

There are only ten times in history when the F-word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

1. "What the f*ck do you mean, we are Sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.

2. "What the f*ck was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945.

3. "Where did all those f*cking Indians come from?"
-- Gen. Armstrong Custer, 1877.

4. "Any f*cking idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938.

5. "It does so f*cking look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926.

6. "How the f*ck did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 B.C.

7. "You want WHAT on the f*cking ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566.

8. "Where the f*ck am I?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937.

9. "Scattered f*cking showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 B.C.

10. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f*cking mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003.

H/T to anything

Click 1…….

A London primary school has become the first to outsource maths teaching to India.

Pupils at Ashmount Primary in Islington who have fallen behind are given one-to-one tuition over the internet.

Pupils are given a headset and log on to a website where they interact with their tutor 4,000 miles away in India. The service, used by
11-year-olds, costs £12 an hour, compared with the £40 an hour a private tutor would cost in London.

I can just imagine.

Page loads

Followed by:

Page 1 for Algebra, Page 2 for Geometry, Page 3 for Arithmetic, Page 4 to text a maths adviser.

*Clicks on page 1*

Cue Message

Our staff are all busy at the moment, please hold on, we will connect you as soon as a Teacher becomes available.

Cue Lift music.

*Sound of keyboard being hurled across the room*

Winner

A lot of screaming from the sitting room. It was the idiot box.

The Queen Vic has blown up.*

Hurrah. Result

* For the benefit of my overseas visitor. It is a pub in a too long running TV soap.

Book burning

Much has been blogged about the Pastor in Florida who is going to burn the Q’uran.

 

Personally I couldn’t care less if they burnt every religious book in existence. If those of a religious persuasion have to revere layers of processed wood to bolster their faith, then that says a lot for their faith.

I’m off to buy Saint Blair’s book and publish on the web, that I will be burning it on Saturday.

And THIS is worth reading at Catosays

I didn’t expect anything else

I’ve just received a reply from Medway plod concerning the letter I wrote concerning the Hitler Youth students from the Hundreds of Hoo school in Medway, about their “Ciggy busters” stunt.

It’s what I was expecting. Absolutely nothing. If the students had been ripping burkhas of muslims, I expect dear Margherita would be in the dock in the Old Bailey by now.

As received, below.

 

Dear Mr. Filthy Engineer

The Medway Hate crime unit have spoken to Margherita Gramegan at length about the issues that you have outlined. It has been explained that the project has offended several people.

She has taken on board what has been said, and will be more mindful in the future.

Should you have any further queries then please don't hesitate to contact me.

Yours Sincerely

Sallie Baisley

DS 10142 Baisley

Footnote:

They really should proof read their mail before sending.

From the original reply. "A Betty* Medway, should read, “A better Medway”. (I wonder who Betty is?).

Sallie can’t even spell the miscreant’s name right. It’s Gramegna, not Gramegan.

Pah

It’s now a fact. I am an idiot.

Test for Idiocy

Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!!

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
Absolutely wrong!

If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second! Try not to screw up next time.

Now answer the second question,
But don't take as much time as you took for the first one, OK ?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.  Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....

....Maybe.

Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the ! Name of the fifth daughter?

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!

Multi Quangocrat fired over Election Fiasco.

It’s about time they fired this lefty “Quangoqueen”.

Jenny Watson is to be told by ministers her tenure as a board member of the Audit Commission, the local authority spending watchdog, will not be renewed.

Mind you they should have sacked her from her day job as well.

The 46-year-old, who was dubbed the 'Modern Militant' thanks to her work at a string of quangos under Labour, earns £100,000 a year as head of the elections watchdog, the Electoral Commission.

It would seem that she is a a leader in her field at sucking on the public teat. She certainly has it down to a fine art.

Electoral Commission

Audit Commission

Bin quango “Wrap”

Equal opportunity’s commission.

Victim Support

The Fawcett Society.

She’s certainly got around.

A song for Bob Crow

Slightly very sweary

Makes the point though.

H/T to Angry Teen

Taking the cat to the vet

Yearly booster time for the furry killing machine that I call a cat.

Joy. So.

• Find the cat.
• Find the catbox.
• Find the cat again.
• Introduce cat to catbox.
• Cat goes in the cat box quietly (this should have been a warning to me)
• Open door and place catbox in passenger footwell.
• Shut door.
• Run around to drivers side, jump in and start engine.
• Cat mieows.
• Select reverse.
• Cat explodes from catbox like that thing from Alien.
• Cat runs around car shedding fur.
• Open door.
• Cat escapes.
• Go into house and find parcel tape.
• Tape box up securely.
• Find the cat again.
• Catch cat.
• Introduce cat to catbox.
• Cat goes in the cat box with a hell of a struggle.
• Tape up wounds in hands.
• Open door and place catbox in passenger footwell.
• Shut door.
• Run around to drivers side, jump in (engine is still running).
• Select reverse and get the car off the drive.
• Cat rips through parcel tape like the hulk, scaring the crap out off me.
• Car runs around the car in a panic drooling and shedding fur.
• Open door.
• Cat escapes. Again.
• Go into house and find elephant tape. (I’ve used this stuff to stop kayaks leaking on white water)
• Tape box up securely. Then use more tape.
• Then think "sod it" and use the whole roll.
• Find cat again.
• Tempt cat using favorite treats.
• Pretty much have to saw the cats legs off in an attempt to get him into the accursed box.
• Take off gardening gloves (learning from my mistakes)
• Open door and place catbox in passenger footwell.
• Shut door.
• Run around to drivers side, jump in (engine has now burnt half a tank of fuel).
• Get the car turned around.
• Cat still in box, meiowing pathetically.
• Comfort cat while driving.
• Get halfway to vet.
• Pointy eared escape artist does it again. This time at 40mph.
• Cat runs around the car in a blind panic drooling and shedding fur.
• Avoid crashing the car by about 3mm. This is not good.
• Options. Stop, open door to get out and lose cat.
• Or, keep driving and risk cat scratching eyes out.
• Elect to take the eye scratching option. Glasses should prevent serious injury.
• Cat runs around car shedding unbelieveable amounts of fur.
• People giving me really funny looks.
• Furry Fangio ends up sitting on my lap with two paws on the steering wheel looking out of the front window.
• I’d have taken pictures, but I was rather busy at the time.
• People now giving me *really* funny looks.
• 5 minutes pass.
• Get to the vet.
• Park the car.
• Somehow get the car back into the box.
• Get into vets rather harassed.
• Nice vet takes 2 minutes to check and inject the cat.
• She then spends 5 minutes helping me reinforce the cat box to get home again.
• Takes 2 of us to get the cat back in the box.
• Get the bill.
• Stop laughing and ask for the real bill.
• Get the same bill.
• Pick myself up from the floor.
• Pay a ton of cash for the privilege of the cat being injected. Return to car.
• Open door and place catbox in passenger footwell.
• Shut door.
• Run around to drivers side, jump in and start engine.
• Cat is silent.
• Think uh-oh.
• Leave vet.
• Cat is silent.
• Get halfway home.
• Cat is silent.
• Worry that cat is dead.
• Get home safely.
• Cat is silent.
• Now really worried. Has cat escaped silently? Is cat plotting revenge?
• Get catbox out of car.
• Open cat box.
• Cat saunters out, give me a "What?" look and wanders off.
• I stand there like a gibbering idiot.
• Cat lies in sun.
• Open beer.
• Drink.
• Open second beer.
• Get vacuum cleaner out.
• Open third beer.
• Clean cat hair out of car……

He’s now next to me on the sofa with his feet in the air snoring contentedly.

As much as I love him, sometimes I wish he was a goldfish.

Justice

 

A police sergeant who injured a woman when he assaulted her in a cell was jailed for six months today.

Sgt Mark Andrews was caught on CCTV dragging Pamela Somerville, 59, across the floor of Melksham police station in Wiltshire before shoving her into the cell.

Ms Somerville was arrested in July 2008 after being found asleep in her car. She was detained for failing to provide a sample for a breath test.

The CCTV footage shows her lying on the floor for a minute before struggling to get up with blood pouring from a head wound.

Maybe we’ll have a few less stories about police thuggery in the future. Whilst the majority of police try and do the best they can, there is still a hard core, that think the law doesn’t apply to them.