Advanced Trolling.

I gave you Trolling for Beginners a while back so I thought it was time for the more advanced session.

If you've forgotten the basics then please go and read up. You may have a test at the end.

 

Let's Ruin Someone's Day – Advanced Trolling

Phew! There is no moderate trolling section! That's because your path to Internet infamy is as easy as feeding a kitten to a rottweiler. From here on in it's advanced trolling all the way – but don't worry. You still don't need any thought, intelligence or consideration to win the attention that you so richly deserve. Just that Internet connection.

Hopefully by now you'll have found a forum that's populated by people who on the outside seem sane, welcoming and forgiving. Don't be fooled! You'll be able to get some attention here, and the challenge will make it all seem worthwhile. Pick yourself a username and get ready to post. Don't rush in with threats of kitten murder straight away though, you'll need to integrate yourself into the community. Ignore your egotistical urges, and attempt to be sane and reasonable. Make notes of anything that the community seem to agree on – especially with regards to politics or religion. Then, after a month or so, it's time to reveal yourself.

Fire up a new thread, with an intriguing question for a title – something like Can there be world peace without building an altar to the Kitten-Eating Rottweiler Dog? You now have to argue vehemently that unbridled worship of a fearsome canine figure is key to solving any and all problems in the world. Don't worry about paltry facts, evidence or punctuation – just post the same statements over and over again. By now, those sane and welcoming people will be so riled up that you should have dozens, if not hundreds of replies.

Now's the time to step it up a gear. Rinse and repeat with a similar thread – something like Get Ready, the Kitten-Eating Rottweiler Dog is coming! Again, echo the same unwavering beliefs that your baseless, factless, tactless argument is the most important thing in the universe. Repeat this over three or four more threads and you'll have accrued thousands of responses, and those sane and welcoming people will be hurling vitriol at their screens.

Well done – you are now a fully-fledged Internet troll, and you've managed to ruin the days of a handful of complete strangers. Even more importantly, you're now infamous!

Now dust yourself off, go outside, make some friends and do something constructive with your life.

---

¹ Please note: If your dictionary search results in an obscure word such as 'parvanimity', you should probably pick a new one. And learn to appreciate irony.

The Police State is most definitely here.

It would seem that the Police don't even know the laws that they are supposed to uphold. It is still not illegal to film in a public place, so why are they still trying to stop it?

The video below is of the Police and a PCSO harassing The "Love Police" outside Harrods.

The Oxford Mail has the story of the police using section 43 of the Terrorism act to stop and search an ex RAF engineer from photographing them. Oh and there's a short vid to go with the story.

This should be stopped in it's tracks right now. Wanker of the week is PC Steve Burchett

Update:

There's more twattery here.

CCTV. FAIL.

 

A good article from over the pond on the failure of CCTV to make us anymore safer. In fact it goes on to propound that in fact they make us less safe.

Although it's comforting to imagine vigilant police monitoring every camera, the truth is very different, for a variety of reasons: technological limitations of cameras, organizational limitations of police and the adaptive abilities of criminals. No one looks at most CCTV footage until well after a crime is committed. And when the police do look at the recordings, it's very common for them to be unable to identify suspects. Criminals don't often stare helpfully at the lens and -- unlike the Dubai assassins -- tend to wear sunglasses and hats. Cameras break far too often.

In London the figures for crime solved by CCTV is 1 in every 1,000 cameras. Not a very good success rate I would have thought. And those cameras cost the taxpayer £200 million.

Source

And although a police officer on the street can respond to a crime in progress, someone watching a CCTV screen can only dispatch an officer to arrive much later. By their very nature, cameras result in underused and misallocated police resources.

I think that the £200 million would have been better spent on recruiting a few more Plods.

Full article over on CNN.

STOP PRESS. Potato stops leak.

 

Now I'm an ex marine engineer and in my time I've had to resort to a few insane dodges in my time, However this one takes the biscuit potato.

A plumber British Gas Engineer called out out to fix a leak used a potato to correct the problem. (I've never done that, but I did jam the bum of a future Lloyd's surveyor into a sea filter box, to stop one of her Majesties ship's sinking in Antwerp harbour. But that's another story.)

Richard Pickles was amazed when the engineer, who had been at his property for two hours attempting to mend the leak, resorted to a potato to temporarily fix the problem.

Mr Pickles, who lives Lancaster with his wife Amanda and children, including a 10-week-old baby, said: 'The engineer said "I'm only supposed to be here for an hour" and rammed a potato on to stop the leak.

Have a good look at the picture above. The leak is on the drain for the system. The answer was:

I rang up the next day to tell British Gas what had happened and another gas fitter came. He sorted the problem in five minutes by turning a screw.

No doubt there was a small amount of scale preventing the valve from sealing positively. The answer is normally to back it off and then re-tighten it. Time taken: 20 seconds?

Why do they call these Numtpties, Engineers? In my day it took 4 1/2 years to gain that title.

H/T to the

daily fail

There's even more of them fiddling their expenses. (Allegedly)

 

You couldn't make it up. Even those working in the parliamentary fees office were at it.

A top House of Commons official whose department was at the centre of the MPs expenses scandal has quit in disgrace after being arrested over fraud allegations.

Andrew Gibson, 49, who worked in the parliamentary Fees Office, was detained as a result of the long-running police investigation into MPs' expenses.

The Fees Office, and its role in agreeing MPs’ expense claims, was central to the controversy that engulfed the Commons last year.

Well I suppose he  saw how the troughers MP's could do it, and thought that he'd have a piece of it as well.

Inquiries by Scotland Yard revealed discrepancies in accounts handled by Gibson, a Resources Budget Officer who was well known to MPs as the man at the desk in the Fees Office who handled their expenses claims.

Full story here in the Mail

The Lynn Rival update

I wrote some while ago about my thoughts on how the RFA Wave Knight failed to prevent the capture of the Chandlers. It would seem that the pirates have lowered their sights and are now demanding a lesser ransom. Down from $7 million to $2 million. There are those now saying the ransom should be paid . Read it here.

No, No, No. That would just encourage anyone to think that hostage taking was a lucrative business.

I think that the majority of those writing in the comments agree with me on this one.

However it would never have happened in the first place if equipment in the vid below had been allowed to be used.

The Police again!

I've no idea whether this is real or not. It's a good read though.

 

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I am writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this: after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant

???????

He received this reply:

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ???????
Community Beat Officer

Mr Angry immediately fired back this email:

Dear PC ???????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station. Please rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park, are both within spitting distance ... as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards ?????????

P.S. If you think this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!

H/T to Leggie

What do the Police actually do?

 

And where are they?

We have a police station in the Town just to the south of where we live. This was built just a few years ago at considerable expense. Justification being that it would be central to policing in the area, They never stated that it would only operate in the daylight hours. It's closed at night now.

The Town to the North of us built a purpose built station many years ago for, yes you guessed it, the same as the Town to the South. However now it is closed completely.

Well at least the village bobby is keeping a watch on us. Nope he's gone as well. They needed the money from the sale of his police house.

Well then, that must mean that they're all out on the streets then. Nope again. The last time I saw a police officer out on foot was about 2 years ago. I must admit I crossed the road to keep clear of two black clad, shaven headed, full body armoured, pepper spray clad enforcers. They were really intimidating to the average citizen.

Yes I do see the odd high visibility car zoom past so fast that the high vis is blurred.  Where are they all going? Not to my house when the only time I've called them they turned up 2 days later.

The Met Office super computer at work.

 

Shamelessly "borrowed" from Cartoonsbyjosh

Even the convicts don't want him.

 

It looks like a bit of pay back time.

Ali Dizaei, the disgraced police commander, has been knocked out and had excrement poured over his head after being attacked in prison.

The 47-year-old senior Metropolitan Police officer who was jailed this month is serving a four-year jail sentence for assaulting and falsely arresting a young businessman before trying to frame him. He is the most senior policeman to be convicted of corruption offences in more than 30 years.

Now he knows what it's like to be on the receiving end.

H/T to the Times