Electrickery

I’ve just got back from the eldest daughter’s house (Again) and on arriving there I was tasked with fitting a couple of dimmer switches. A simple task not really requiring much brainpower. Isolate the circuit, unwire the existing switch, replace with the dimmer switch, and reinstate the circuit. Job done.

Of course some would have it that I should, at vast expense have called in a qualified electrician. They would be wrong in their thinking. I actually hold a high voltage certificate that allows me to work with voltages over 1,000 volts. I had to obtain this in order to enter spaces and work upon machinery operating at 6.6 kV. (6,600V for the non technically minded).

The other qualification I had was that I’d worked on a class of ship that was not complemented for an Electrical Officer. I became that man. Alongside my other duties of looking after the main diesel generators, and the refrigeration plant. Being somewhat suspicious of a killing energy that can’t be seen I took extreme care to make sure that I followed the rules of “Isolate, test, test again, and work on it”. (Once I disobeyed my rules and touched a live circuit with 440V. Never again. It threw me six feet and I was probably unconscious for a minute or two).

Now to the crux of this post. Familiarity, adverse conditions, and sheer bad luck come into play. My outfit started to man the ships with electrical officers. Of course, us amateur electricians were told by these electrical officers that we had done a piss poor job. This pissed off most of us that had done the job, whilst holding down at least two other jobs (See above).

There was a problem with the control panel for the refrigeration rooms. The only way of sorting this out was for the electrical officer to switch of the power, open the door, and fiddle the door interlock controlling the main power switch to reinstate the power to enable fault finding to begin.

The sad part was that the ship  was rolling, the deck was oily, and oh dear, the lecky pitched headfast into the cubicle, striking his head on the 440V bus bars. And sadly that was the end of him..

Now you may say that I’m being disrespectful of the dead with the next part of the post.

After the body was removed from the vicinity it was realised that the body would have to be preserved until a post mortem could be carried out. That was the excuse for all the engineers to collectively define the initial problem and rectify it. The body needs to be preserved in a cool room. (Bye the way, never store the body in the deep freeze. Coroners will crucify you for that).

However I heard through the grapevine that the real cause for concern was that one of the refrigeration chambers was exceeding it’s set temperature. This was the “Beer Room”. Engineers can’t abide warm beer.

OK I’ll rot in hell if you wish. But I’ve heard this from multiple sources that I trust.

Moral of the story: You might be the expert, but circumstances can kick you up the backside without warning.

Those words I hated………

on joining a ship. “You’re in charge of the Fire and repair party”.

Now the fire and repair party (FRP) usually consists of twenty or more men or women of a variety of specialisations. Deck, engineering, catering, electrical, etc.

Of course I’m in charge of this motley cru (sic) and have to work out who is going to do what.

I have a junior officer as my number two and general dogsbody.

There is usually an officer from the catering department who is delegated to maintain the incident board, marking up on the wall mounted plans of the ship, the incidents as they occur. The incidents can range from fire and flood, to chemical hazards or radioactive contamination. (I don’t like the last two. They usually mean that I’m going to die a nasty death).

Fire is the most likely  scenario. Naturally a thousand miles from land and  dialling 999 does not get a response from the fire brigade. Ergo, we must fight fires ourselves.

To that end I have to form two five man firefighting teams. The problem is that all I have is a list of names. So I pencil in the names of the people against the duties that they will do. Simples.

Before I go on, I’ll just give you a run down on a five man team. All five are to be dressed in full fire protective suits and Breathing apparatus. each member will have a specific duty.

No.1 is the water wall number whose job is to be slightly in front, operating his hose in a circular spray to protect the team from the heat and flames.

No’2 is the fire-fighter who has his hose in ragged spray mode to actually fight the fire.

No.3 is the team commander who is slightly behind the front two and is surveying the situation with his thermal imaging camera (TIC).

No’4 is the hose handler.

No.5 is the ship protector who’s job is to seal the doorway to protect the ship to prevent the spread of fire into the rest of the ship.

Now comes the crunch. I’ve put names to the duties so everything is fine. NOT.

No’1 is a gay steward (Lovely chap) who suffers from claustrophobia.

No.2 is a female who is 5’ 2, who when turning on her hose is instantly bowled over backwards by the force.

No3, the team leader is afflicted with a stutter and is unable to communicate with the rest of the team over the radio.

No.4 is morbidly obese and struggles to carry his own wait let alone two fully charges hoses.

No.5 is no problem. Anyone can sit in a doorway watching the rainbows glistening off his water wall..

These are the problems when you have names and not faces. It doesn’t help that you usually have half a dozen of the FRP who make any excuse as to why they they should be exempt from a particular duty. “I’ve got gout, a rash, don’t know how to use the BA (Rubbish. You have to have done the course to even be there)”. Of course they don’t have a leg to stand on when I state that they wouldn’t be there without their yearly medical check up being passed.

This is a bit of a moan. However it is satisfying when it works. For some reason the majority of fires I’ve had to contend with have been at night. In every instance I’ve been amazed at the speed my teams have mustered, dressed and put the fires out.

Just goes to show, that with a little planning the system works.

The best fire-fighter I’ve ever had was actually a 5’ 3 inch, female cook, shaped like a beach ball, with a tenacity that was second to none. I would have made her team leader. However she couldn’t see over the two firefighters in front of her.

The only good thing about these drills is they are usually held towards the end of the working day. The upside is that TFE can rush off, have a shower, and get into the bar early.

Every story has a happy ending.

.

The smoking war at sea.

This is the era when the badly researched science of second hand smoking was just starting to waft it’s ugly aroma.

Here we are off the coast of Iraq in early 2001

There I was onboard a massive grey painted ship just over the horizon from an enemy shore. The vessel in question is the Navy’s helicopter training ship and is sailing in her secondary function as “casualty receiving ship”. Not to be confused with a hospital ship. The reason being is that the vessel is fitted with a variety of armaments.

Hostilities have commenced and my Action Station post was I/C (In Command) of HQ1 (Command post for Fire fighting, damage repair, & Nuclear, Chemical and Biological threats). Adjoining HQ1 was the machinery control room run by a team of engineer officers and ratings.

Smoking areas on ships were a bit hit and miss at that time. It varied depending on which ship you were on.

I’m quietly sitting in my command seat when over my head set comes the somewhat worrying report from the Bridge that a Russian made anti ship missile search radar was sweeping us, and that the ship was going to turn and head out to sea at maximum speed. (Max speed being  a sprightly seventeen knots and sea skimming missiles have a habit of speeding in in the hundreds of knots).

Well naturally anyone would do what I did. I reached into the top pocket of my action coverall produced a packet of cigarettes and lit up. After a few moments a shout rings out from the adjoining control room, “you can’t smoke here”. My reply. (In wind up mode) “ Fuck off. I’m allowed to have a last cigarette before we all die in a blazing fireball in the next few minutes”. No reply.

Funnily enough no smoking in that space was never mentioned again.

Aside: One of the reasons I retired when I did, was the draconian rules on smoking that came about after 2007 onboard ships.

Memories

And I used to do that for a living.

The difference a year makes.

Last year in May. I was working on a ship.

The ship was on anti piracy patrol of Somalia before heading out to the far East.

Pros:

30 deg C and blue seas.

Earning Oodles of Money.

Cons:

No smoking inside. Only a small area at the aft end of the ship to smoke.

H & S going mad. If you work for the government they take it to the nth degree.

Every 4th day being duty engineer for 24 hours. At the beck and call of a computerised monitoring system.

An alcohol limit that would have Don Shenker cheering from the touchline.

An Engine room temperature of 40 deg C.

Gunnery practice. That's the smoking deck out of bounds.

Training. Have you ever tried to explain to the average sailor why a fire drill is a good thing?

Frigates that want fuel at 0600. Can't they wait till after breakfast?

Frigates that want fuel at 2100. Can't they wait till tommorrow.

No mobile phone signal.

No access to the internet.

This year in may. I'm retired.

Pros:

Smoke where I want.

Drink what I want, when I want.

My rules.

Not a ship in sight.

Cons:

Less money. Enough for my simple needs though.

The weather.

The Wife.

All at sea

It's been a while since I posted so I thought I'd let you know what I've been doing.

Joined my ship in Crete, by the most circuitous route known to man.

Not much time to get settled in as we sailed to join the task group at the crack of dawn the following day.

After a few days of pissing about doing pointless exercises we headed for the Suez canal, and warmer climes.

After the Suez canal transit, we pissed about again, this time in the Red Sea. Why oh why can't we steam in a straight line for a change?

Of course once we eventually left the Red Sea we then had to carry out the obligatory anti piracy patrols. A waste of time. No pirate is going to sail out when there is a large grey ship, armed to the teeth, sailing in full view of the coast.

of course now we have left the coast I suppose they'll be out in force now. Oh well, cest la vie.

Health and Safety

I've gradually seen a change in our safety over the years. For the worse.

In older days we were provided with PPE and off we went to work. Youngsters today would jump up and say how irresponsible of the company. How can they send the workforce out before carrying out a complete risk management study first?

Well, my young friends, here's how it was done.

Before the hugely burocratic HSE came in to force, people were actually able to think for themselves. My employer would give me instruction in the use of PPE and would supply all that was neccessary. We were taught to carry out a continuous risk assessment throughout the working day.

I believe that the modern day system lulls you youngsters into a false sense of security. I will explain.

A manager at the beginning of the day, for the task in hand fills out a risk assessment form, a permit to work, a Cossh assessment, and anything else that is the flavour of the day.

All this takes away the feeling of any risk from the person who is tasked with the job. Ie, "The Boss says it's safe, so it has to be." So for the rest off the day the worker goes about his business, happy in the fact that he is safe.

He is sadly deluded.

An example:

The workplace is a 250,000 ton supertanker.

Safety equipment available: Boiler suits, hard hats, safety boots, two oxygen meters, Breathing apparatus at the hatch entrance in case of emergency, etc.

Three sailors are tasked with entering a ballst tank for inspection of the coatings. All the relevant checks have been carried out. Oxygen meter lowered into the tank, and good atmosphere found. So far so good.( No It's not. There were only two oxygen meters, weren't there?)
Portable lighting lowered into the tank, so far so good.
Rescue equipment available at the tank entrance at the top of the tank. So far so good.

The three sailors enter into the tank. They are quite safe, their boss has filled in the paperwork, therefore they MUST be safe.
Down at the bottom of the tank they start their allotted task, however due to the fact they took an hour in sorting out the paperwork, they are running late. So they split up.

NB: A ballast tank on a 250,000 ton tanker is huge.

After a while there is a loud thump. One of the sailors has collapsed. The other two hurry towards him but their oxygen meters go off. What should they do? If they go to assist him they will put themselves in the same danger. Their only course of action is to get themselves out of harms way and call for help.
Which they do.

Did the sailor who collapsed due to oxygen starvation survive? Sadly,no. The rescue team donned breathing apparatus and descended into the tank to save him. When they reached the bottom they attempted to carry him up the vertical ladder to safety.

I did mention it was a 250,000 ton supertanker didn't I?

They never made it out. Their BA might have got them out alone, but the extra workload used too much air, and they ran out, and died.


Moral of the story: Think the problem out for yourself. It's your life, paperwork does not keep you from dying.

The correct procedure would be on the lines of this.

All personnel have an oxygen meter.
Two of the personnel survey all of the tank first with oxygen meters, wearing Breathing apparatus ready to be donned. Then work could be started.
All of the personnel should be carrying their own personal oxygen meter.

Moral of this story: Think for yourself. It's your life. Forget about the compensation culture, you're dead.

I realy am a sad bastard.

We would all be safer without the HSE regs. Get people thinking for themselves.

Smoking on HM ships

I've just read about another NHS trust about to ban smoking in their grounds. (our grounds)

I just thought you might like to hear what the regulations in my outfit are. If you bear in mind that that I spend nearly eight months of the year on one of our grey painted ships, you would think that the rules had some sense. you would be wrong.

The first restriction was no smoking in the bar if we were having a casual pub lunch. (Now renamed officers casual meal to appease the Alcohol police).

After a short period it became no smoking at all in the bar.

Of course at this time I was allowed to smoke in my cabin, so I could always nip in there for a puff. Considering it is my primary residence throught the year you would think this would be left as it was.

Oh no, think of the poor steward who has to clean my cabin. You can see where I'm going now.

The long and short of it is that now I have to go down four decks, 200 metres aft (backend of the ship, for those not of a nautical persuasion), then down one deck, further aft. Finally I have reached the designated smoking area.

I now find myself on a cold, barely lit deck, maybe with a force ten gale in progress with the ship doing the most unspeakable movements.

The one heartening thing is that all those smokers, of what ever rank, are by far and the best, you will meet.

This is where in the not too distant future, the H & S brigade will have to come to terms with a death on their hands, when some poor sod in atrocious weather falls and breaks their neck.

I hope they get crucified in the courts.

just as an aside, Alcohol is next.

Could this happen?

Anchors away!

The Master

RFA Wave Goodbye

BFPO 999

Dear Sir,

It is with much regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own preconceived opinions from the reports in the world press, for I am sure that they will tend to over dramatise the affair.

We had just picked up the pilot and the cadet had just returned from changing the “G” flag for the “H” flag. Being the cadets first trip he was having difficulty in rolling up the “G” flag up. I therefore proceeded to show him. Coming to the last part I told him to “let go”. The lad although willing is not to bright, necessitating me having to repeat my instruction in a sharper tone.

At this moment the Chief Officer appeared from the chart room having been plotting the vessels progress, and thinking that I was referring to the anchor, he instructed the Third Officer on the forecastle to “Let Go”. The Port anchor having been cleared away but not walked out was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the “pipe” while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved to much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port anchor cable was pulled out “by the roots”. I fear that the damage to the chain locker will require extensive repairs. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to shear in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that spans the tributary to the river up which were proceeding.

The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately he did not think to stop the vehicular traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a volkswagon, two cyclists and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ships company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise I would say were pigs.

In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel. The Third Officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of any practical use, for it fell on the swing bridge operators cabin. We believe him to be in fairly good health as would could just see him by the light of the numerous small fires as he waved vigourously to the ship as he was taken away in the ambulance.

I digress, just after the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to shear, I gave a double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph and personally rang the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that the sea water temperature was 53 degrees and asked what tonight’s video was, my reply would not add anything constructive to this report.

Up until now my report has been limited to the forward end of the vessel. Down aft the Second Mate was having his own problems. At the moment that the port anchor was let go, the Second Mate was supervising the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ships towing spring down to the tug.

The sudden braking effect of the port anchor caused the tug to “run in under” the stern of my vessel, just at the moment when the propeller was answering my double ring full astern. The prompt action of the Second Mate in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some two minutes, thereby allowing the safe abandoning of the tug.

It was strange, but at the very same time as letting go the port anchor there was a power cut ashore. The fact we were passing over a cable area at the time might suggest that we may have touched something on the river bottom. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the shore blackout it is not possible to determine where the power pylon has fallen at this time.

It has never failed to amaze me, the actions and behaviour of foreigners during moments on minor crisis. The pilot for instance is at this moment huddled in the corner of my day cabin, alternately crooning to himself and crying after having consumed a bottle of my best gin in a time that would have been worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of Records. The tug captain on the other hand has proved difficult, he reacted violently and had to be restrained by the steward, who has him safely handcuffed in the ships hospital, where he is reportedly telling me to do impossible things with my ship and my person.

I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the Third Officer collected after the somewhat hurried evacuation of the forecastle. These particulars will enable you to claim for the damage they did to the railings of No1 hold.

I shall now close this preliminary report, for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sound of the police sirens and their flashing blue lights, and the noise from the pigs.

Humbly yours

A.N. Other

Master

P.S. It is sad to think that none of this would have happened, had the cadet realised that there is no need to fly pilot flags after dark.

Practical agony Aunt

Just a little thought.........

As you may, or may not have noticed, my profile gives my profession as a Marine Engineer.

If you consider that running a ship is like driving a small town at 25 MPH through the water 24 hours a day,I may be of help to anyone that needs some advice.

Skills needed:

Diesel Engineering knowledge: Must keep the ship moving and generate Elecricity.

Plumbing: Who do think fixes the washbasin etc?

Sewage disposal: Someone has to keep the toilet system going. otherwise we are up to our necks in it.

Electrics: Modern ships require a comprehensive knowledge of all things electrical. Can't have the cookers breakdown.

Workshop skills: Need these to build a barbecue when the cookers have broken down.

Air conditioning: Really important skills when in the Red sea or in the arctic. Phew it's hot, or I'm bloody freezing.

Refrigeration knowledge: Wouldn't want the steak to defrost would we?

Firefighting: Have you ever seen an amphibious fire engine with a 2000 mile range. Nor me. Believe me this skill is rather important.

Bar management: Believed by most seafarers to be the most important. Treasurer is best. it gives you the chance to practice Boom and bust. Mind you, Mess President gives you the chance to play at being PM.

Any way, to cut a long story short, anyone requiring need of advice in any of these skills, just post here.

If I can't help you, I can always run off and start another blog under an assumed name.