Oh what NOW!

Wednesday, 8 October 2014

Tuesday, 7 October 2014

That scary fairy.

What about that fat old man that climbs down the chimney and sneaks into your bedroom………….? What could he do with that stocking?

Saturday, 4 October 2014

Saturday silliness

I GAVE YOU JUST ONE JOB... ONE BLOODY JOB!!!

Outside line?

Checkmate.

Corny old one.

I know their is a data protection act, but…..

Arse about face

Something about those planning regulations?

Oh go fork yourself

Handy

Superbat

Speaks for itself

Very pointed

The kids can see you coming

Just for foreign cyclists

??????????????????

I’m not even going to bother

Carpet cleaner?

Doh!

Just to ensure you have a pile of crap. Or to blame you wife for a wet toilet floor.

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Jihadi?

Exclusive Interview with British Foreign Fighter

made me larf.

Sunday, 28 September 2014

Snow White. Scottish edition.

The seven dwarfs always left early each morning to go to work in the mine. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic tasks.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunches and take them to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunches, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello. Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
'Hello! Is anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,

“VOTE FOR ALEC SALMOND”

Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive!

Hopefully no Scots were offended by this post.

Friday, 26 September 2014

Amusing poll results.

A couple of days ago there was an article in the left leaning Newspaper, The daily Mirror. This was an article by Yvette Cooper and titled:

'Stand up to UKIP': Yvette Cooper calls on Labour to fight the right-wing party

I patiently read the drivel she spouted and finally at the bottom of the article there was a poll. The simple question being “Are you considering voting for UKIP? With just a straight Yes or No.

So I clicked on yes to see what would happen. The result is below.

Maybe only three people voted, but I would have expected the opposite from a left leaning paper.

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

I’m here to help.

The phone rang this afternoon and Mrs FE answered it. A few minutes later Mrs FE poked her head round the door of the office and handed the phone to me with a concerned look on her face.

On taking it from her I wondered if the call was from the police, re-payment of PPI, I’d won the lottery, of from one of the kids.

But no, this was the man from Microsoft who proceeded to tell me that they had been monitoring my computer and that it had multiple problems. The conversation goes something like this:

Microsoft engineer (MSE)

“We have been monitoring your computer and can see that it has many problems” (not an American or British accent).

Filthy Engineer (FE)

“Oh dear what can I do?” (Attempting to purvey a note of worry in my voice).

MSE

“You need to follow my instructions”

“OK”

MSE

“Can you see a logo of MS on the left of the screen?”

“What does it look like?”

MSE

“It looks like a flag with four colours in a circle.

“All I can see is the date and time.”

MSE

“The LEFT hand side of the screen”.

“Sorry. I see it now, what should I do?”

MSE

“Click on it”

“OK” (click)

MSE

“Do you see a menu?”

(Short pause to light up a ciggie and add a bit of tension to the unfolding drama) “Yes”

MSE

“Can you see a small box under the phrase “All programs”?”

“Yes”

MSE

“I want you to type in m.s.c.o.n.f.i.g.”

(After pretending to misspell it several times I finally affirmed that I had typed it in).

MSE

“Press enter and tell me what you see?”

“A box with Msconfig in it”

MSE

“just click on it”

“I’ve done that

MSE

“What do you see?”

“Program not responding.”

(This is what was actually up on my screen and what he was expecting)

MSE

Silence for a few seconds

“I think we need to start again by rebooting your computer”

“How do I do that?”

As most astute readers will know this is a scam to catch the unwary and deliver a trojan into your computer which will give you the idea that your machine is inflicted with all manner of nasties. What they will then do is sell useless software that purports to save your computer from eternal damnation..

I enjoyed every minute of the time on the phone with him. We must have jointly started the computer at least 8 times whilst trying to rectify the faults. Such as: “It’s loading updates from your company”, “the mouse isn’t working”, “how do you spell mscongig again?”.

Oh please let a Nigerian 419 scammer phone me.