The Blonde Pilot..

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead”. “And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud  and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground.  I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem”.

'Now, just take a deep breath.  Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says,  "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... 

"Repeat after me:   Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ...."

If this is true…..

Then Obama is toast.

American drones were in the skies above the U.S. consulate in Benghazi as the deadly attack that killed ambassador Christopher Stevens unfolded, it has been revealed.

Defense department officials considered sending troops in to rescue the ambassador and staff, according to CBS News, but ultimately decided not to .

They would haven been able to watch the attack on-screen as it unfolded.

And other paragraphs are even more damning.

The revelations came a day after it emerged that U.S. Ambassador Christopher Stevens repeatedly pleaded with the State Department to ramp up his security team in Libya -- requests that the Pentagon ultimately denied -- in the weeks, days and hours leading up to the terrorist attack that killed him and three other Americans, newly released cables have revealed.

And

The letter claims that Obama had a political motivation in rejecting Stevens' security requests, since the president was eager to show improving conditions in Libya after the U.S.-led international operation that toppled Libya dictator Moamar Gadhafi.

It just goes to show that Obama was more interested in his presidential campaign than in actually protecting his countrymen. It’s an indictment of the new political class in the modern day. All they they seek is the holding of high office. No thought of serving their country.

Of course we have the same self serving clique in the UK, whether they be Cameron, Clegg, or Milliband. All they can see, is the vision of crossing the threshold into No.10 and nothing more.

I want to see more than “soundbite” politics. I want to see a real conviction politician running our country. The problem I see is that these Westminster bubble class and the MSM really aren’t attuned to the reality that is suffered by the population as a whole.

We need a Prime Minister that refuses to listen to his advisors’ thought for the day, and actually spends some time thinking about it. Then have the guts to say “That’s shite”, You’re fired” 

Sadly I thing I’ll be dead before I see it happen.   

DONATIONS. Give generously.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Ring Ring.

The sound of my house phone calling me. A quick look at the number on the screen, and I ignored it as it was not a number I recognised. I surmised it was probably someone trying to sell me double glazing/loft insulation/tell me I had £3670 of miss sold PPI/or I could benefit from solar panels. (Pick your choice).

A few seconds later my mobile rang.

Me: “Hellooooow?”

Caller: “Hi favourite Uncle, This is your favourite Niece”

Me: “Bugger off. I haven’t got one”

Caller: “Yes you have. It’s me ****”. (name obscured to protect you from the spawn of satan).

Me: “Oh hi ****”.

****: “Dear favourite Uncle (suspicion is starting to set in), can I pretty please, come up and see you on saturday?”

Me: “Oh that would be fine, look forward to seeing you”. What time will you be up”.

****: Afternoon.

Me: Ok. See you then.

****: “Can you do me a little favour”?

I now realise I’m about to be sucker punched.

Me: “And what would that be?

****: “Would it be possible that you could take me to Gatwick on Sunday”?

Me: “What time”?

****: “6.30”

Me: “ That’ll be fine. We can have lunch and then have plenty of time to get there.

****: “No dear Uncle, 6.30 in the morning.”

Me: “That’s Ok we can get there in plenty of time if we leave here at six”

****: “No dear favourite Uncle, the flight leaves at 0630. I need to be there at 0430” .

Me:  (realising the horror of it, and having been  played like a pike in a pond) . Meekly replies, “OK”.

The likely outcome:

The Devil’s spawn Favourite Niece will spend Saturday night drinking copious quantities of wine on Saturday night with Mrs FE with the consequence that there will be a flat panic when the devil’s spawn Niece is having to be literally tipped out of bed late in order to have a chance of catching her flight.

The upshot is, in the near future, you will read about a driver who was banned from driving for three years for overtaking a police car on the M23, being clocked at 143 MPH.

Oh and she want’s me to pick her up on her return.

****. If you are reading this. Could I be jesting? Or not?

Do reply if you read this post.

The answer is in the tags.

can't afford the petrol?

Ban them, Ban them.

Idiot policemen.

What’s the difference between a samurai sword and a blind person’s white stick?

One’s curved and shiny and the other is straight and white.

A police force has apologised to a blind grandfather who was shot in the back with a 50,000-volt Taser stun gun after officers mistook his white stick for a samurai sword.

Two-time stroke-victim Colin Farmer, 61, said he thought he was being attacked by muggers when he was hit with the weapon by the officer, who then handcuffed the retired company director as he fell to the ground.

I think a change in the law is in order here.

The Officers in charge at this incident be given white sticks, and Mr Farmer to be given a shiny samurai sword to protect him from those idiots.

I can see it in my future where I’m gunned down for trudging back from my local shop carrying a lime, to go in a gin and tonic, and being reported to the plod for having a grenade.

The idiocy of the Lancs police is unbelievable. How many samurai sword owners walk down the street tip tapping their swords along the curb?

Another point is at what time was he a threat to them? They tasered him from behind. Were they expecting some lightening Kung Fu manoeuvre?

What really worries me is that more and more of our  plod want to be issued with fire arms. If they can’t be trusted to with a taser, then God help us if they are given weapons that are designed to kill.

I think they need to be reminded of Peelian principle numbers six and seven.

Police use physical force to the extent necessary to secure observance of the law or to restore order only when the exercise of persuasion, advice, and warning is found to be insufficient.

Police, at all times, should maintain a relationship with the public that gives reality to the historic tradition that the police are the public and the public are the police; the police being only members of the public who are paid to give full-time attention to duties which are incumbent upon every citizen in the interests of community welfare and existence.

One of my remedies is that every police officer should be tasered every month to provide community cohesion.

And to reinforce it for the lower ranks, chief constables to be shot with firearms every quarter. That would cut down the police wage bill.

Good night all. Have a crime free evening.

The things facebook won’t tell uou

 

Fifty Shades of Grey (hair)

More poetry for you to muse on.

My missus bought a paperback

In Asda…… Saturday,

I had a look inside the bag

T’was "Fifty Shades of Grey"

Well I just left her to it, see,

And went off up to bed

An hour later, she appeared

Oh the sight filled me with dread!

In her hand she held a rope

The other, held a whip!

She brandished them around a bit

And then began to strip….

Well forty years or so, ago,

I might have had a peek

But Doris hasn’t weathered well

She’s sixty-eight next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind

Couldn’t be much grimmer…

And things progressed from bad to worse

She toppled off her Zimmer !

She struggled back up to her feet,

A good half hour later,

Put her teeth back in and said

That I must dominate her !!!

Now if you knew our Doris, see,

You’d know just why I cringed.

I’d been two months in traction, cos

My hips and knees unhinged.

She stood there nude. All naked, like,

Bent forward quite a bit…. and

Jumping back in fright I went

And stood on her left tit.

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,

My word. What HAD I done ?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out

"Step on the OTHER one !!!"

Well reader, I can tell no more

About what occurred that day.

Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey.

Black and blue, battered too,

With wanton, wild perversion,

We decided that a night of sin

Was scarce worth such exertion

Thank Heavens she has binned the book

And peace reigns, like before.

She’s head to toe in winceyette

And back to back, we snore………...

The Plane Truth...

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

 
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet", or defect report, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. (It nearly did have one after an engine failed and disabled the fly by wire computer system a year or so ago).

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny...........
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last ..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Funny that?

A few weeks ago during the ministerial reshuffle, the slant at DECC moved from a warmist position to a more sceptical one.

Could it be that the government had been warned of this report from the MET office quietly published this week? Global warming stopped 16 years ago, reveals Met Office report quietly released... and here is the chart to prove it

• The figures reveal that from the beginning of 1997 until August 2012 there was no discernible rise in aggregate global temperatures
• This means that the ‘pause’ in global warming has now lasted for about the same time as the previous period when temperatures rose, 1980 to 1996

Read the whole article. It’s quite damning.

Ps. I nipped over to the warmist Blog Desmogblog to try to warn them of this heresy. Surprise Surprise. Their Email registers a fault when I try to send them the link to the article in question.

Headless and chickens comes to mind.