Shopping misunderstanding

There was a bit of confusion at the supermarket this morning. When I was ready to pay  for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."
 
Making a mental note to complain to my MP about Security running
amok, I did just as she had instructed.
 
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that  she was referring to my credit card.
 
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
 
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

Mind you, it’s better than this.

 

 

 

The Boy Who Cried Warming

A little eight minute trailer just to show how so many have been brainwashed to believe everything they're told without questioning it. A must watch. Includes polar bears (White fluffy animals that are dying I tell you.), & doomsday predictions questioned (We were all going to freeze).

Worth a watch.

E-cow-nomics 101

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to
a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking
sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese
unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the
roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

Give it a rest

As a smoker I keep reading that 60%, 80%, or 2/3ds of smokers want to give up smoking. At least these are the figures touted to the MSM and the government by the Tobacco Control Industry. What I want to know is how they come by these startling statistics? They’ve never asked me or anyone I know.
So here’s a poll which I’d like my smoking visitors to fill in. It’s in my side bar.
Here’s a little reminder of what you might miss.

Suffer the little children………….

This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a
group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is
hope for the human race....................

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot.
One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building
on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They
chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves,
which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented
her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins.
The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested
that they take the money to the bank the next day to open
a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little
girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she
had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time.'!!!!

The law of unintended consequences

Referring to my last post where I was heavily involved in DIY and gardening *shudders again*, I forgot about the cat.

Here’s what I came home to tonight.

Oh well. maybe I’ll try a hamster instead. They’re not big enough to hold a bottle.

Not only that, he’s been smoking my ciggies. Deserves his fate.

Busy

I've been gardening *shudders*, hanging pictures' and now I'm babysitting.

I should reach Sainthood soon.

Have I got this right?

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping.

Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out Of their skimpy T-shirts.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket store, in my case, Tesco at Sevenoaks. You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked.

Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on July 4th, 9th & 10th, twice on the 15th, again on 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also on August 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th, twice yesterday and hopefully again next weekend!!

P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl's are £1.75 and look better.

Amanda Sandford. You haven’t a clue. And you’re a liar.

She’s being shot down in flames by those who have really looked into subject of plain packaging.

She even manages to insert the lie at 21:15 mins that 2/3 of smokers want to give up.

She gets torn to shreds.

A different view of London 2012….

I see the Romanians have taken Gold, Silver and Bronze..............and copper and lead, and any other metal they can get their thieving hands on!!

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The Sailing results are in.

GB took the Gold, USA took the Silver, Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.

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I see the Aussies aren't doing very well in the Olympics, but then if they could run, they wouldn't have been Australians in the first place.

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My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"
After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer: "Chinese," I replied

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Of course Team GB ladies won the rowing... it's the same basic movement as ironing!

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Maybe I shouldn’t have included that last one.