Serious Blogging. Grrrrrrrrh

I’ve just been trying to write one of my occasional serious posts. I wish I could be like other Bloggers that rattle out an erudite post in the twinkling of an eye, or so it seems. I find I need to hit the whisky bottle to succeed. however the inspiration level doesn’t kick in till half the bottle has gone. By that time the screen is blurred and my fingers start typing in Aramaic.

Answers on a postcard to:

Drunk Blogger

1, slumped over desk

Failedville

OHS HIT

Or by caustic remarks in the comments.

Beer Study!!

This will get you worried!! Even I can conduct scientific studies using the same as methodology as Alcohol concern.

 

Beer contains female hormones.

Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

 

 

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

 

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologise when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Do I get a Nobel Prize for this?

The New world order.

Who said this and when?

It would seem that humans need a common motivation, namely a common adversary, to organize and act together in the vacuum; such a motivation must be found to bring the divided nations together to face an outside enemy, either a real one or else one invented for the purpose.
New enemies therefore have to be identified.
New strategies imagined, new weapons devised.
The common enemy of humanity is man.
In searching for a new enemy to unite us, we came up with the idea that pollution, the threat of global warming, water shortages, famine and the like would fit the bill. All these dangers are caused by human intervention, and it is only through changed attitudes and behaviour that they can be overcome. The real enemy then, is humanity itself.
The old democracies have functioned reasonably well over the last 200 years, but they appear now to be in a phase of complacent stagnation with little evidence of real leadership and innovation
Democracy is not a panacea. It cannot organize everything and it is unaware of its own limits. These facts must be faced squarely. Sacrilegious though this may sound, democracy is no longer well suited for the tasks ahead. The complexity and the technical nature of many of today’s problems do not always allow elected representatives to make competent decisions at the right time.”

 

 

 

 

 

The Club of Rome in 1972.

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

· A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bin, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

· Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never  met  before,
But who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a trans-continental  train.

 

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very  tired  and
fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned  down and gently woke
the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm  sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a  second  blanket?  I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight,
let's pretend  that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"'Good", she replied "Get  your own f….ing  blanket."
After a moment of  silence, he  farted.

The   End

H/T to David

Wet celery. Oh dear

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says "Hello!"

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper
from the bachelor party that I had wild sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher!

Drinkaware

Your favourite tipples from around the world.

Just a little experiment to see who actually googles the Drinkaware website

My fat Public service pension

I listened to the whining yesterday from the public sector unions about how they were being subjected in the future to massive increases in their pension payments. Of course they wheeled on a poor downtrodden teacher who intimated that she would have to pay another £200 per month into her pension. Absolute rot.

I should know how much the cost would be, as actually I’m in  receipt of one of those civil service pensions. (I’m glad I got that out of the way, and I would appreciate it if you didn’t storm FE towers calling for my immediate burning at the stake).

This teacher must be on a very high salary, by my calculations about £90,000 if the 3% rise in contributions is implemented.

What strikes me about these muppets is that they have no idea how featherbedded they are. A maximum of a 43 hour week, 30 days holiday per year, (Ooodles more if you’re a teacher) and almost no possibility of the sack.  (I should know. It took me two years before I managed to get rid of a complete incompetent).

I’ve worked alongside civil servants in the Ministry of Defence and it was like living in parallel universes. They had a strict hours regime of 43 hours per week. Mine were in the region of 54 at the least, just to keep the ships I was looking after, functioning at the basic level. In fact when on-board said ships my weekly hours were regularly 70  or more.

What made matters worse, was the attitude of these servants of the crown. It was an attitude that had no recognition that they, by their laissez faire working, they might actually be prejudicing peoples lives.

 

regards

A suckler on the teat of the crown.

*Note to self. Re-inforce the doors.

PS. I presume that when all these “public servants” go on strike, I’ll be able to claim back some of my council tax for services not rendered.

Fuck me I’ve just seen a squadron of flying pigs overhead.

Muppets

Yesterday I sent this E mail to my council

Dear Sir/ Madam
Please supply information on the number of Summonses and Liability Orders issued by the Council in respect of Council Tax, for each of the financial years since April 1992 to the present, itemised separately by year and document type, and the total sums charged for each year, again itemised separately by year and document type.

Yours Faithfully

The Filthy Engineer

This is the reply I received this morning.

Dear Luke

Thank you for your email regarding data for your coursework.

I have forwarded your email to the Freedom of Information department, in order that they can respond to your enquiry.

For further information regarding this enquiry please contact the department directly, their contact details are:- freedomofinformation@kent.gov.uk

Kind regards

Hilary

Customer Service Advisor

For a start my name is not Luke and I’d like to know what course I’m supposed to be doing.

Cows and global warming. The game’s afoot.

I gather Al Gore, High priest of AGW, is calling for all us to make this a day of action on climate change.

I think you will prefer this instead.

The Collegians For A Constructive Tomorrow call for a day of genuine “climate realism,” instead. CFACT Collegians are responding with a bit of online levity.

CFACT’s Methane Madness game trains online players to help “Pal Gore” control the climate by corking cows and watching them float away. Methane is more potent than CO2 as a greenhouse gas but less than 1% of atmospheric greenhouse gases come from cattle. Even so, radical climate campaigners call for shutting down our cattle and dairy industries, along with much of the rest our economy. They’d even like us to go vegan.

So I give you this courtesy of WUWT.

 

Methane Madness or kill them darn cows.

Much more fun in my opinion.