Just a few odd posts from last years blog in case you're bored.
January
Won't somebody think of the Cheeeeldren!
February
March
Here's where I tried my hand at trolling on Desmogblog
April
May
Here I have a rant about politicians
June
July
August
September
October
November
December
I try my hand at decent blogging this year. (Snort)
Happy new year from the FE. I hope you and your’s have a prosperous and happy year.
Raise your glass and…………………
*HIC*
'He's the best present I've ever received': Man given 5% chance of becoming a father after battling testicular cancer twice celebrates his son's first Christmas
- Huw Allanson, 26, lost a testicle and had several gruelling rounds of chemo after being diagnosed
- Told he and fiance Lizi had just 5% chance of conceiving naturally due to poor quality sperm
- But just a week before starting IVF, realised they had conceived naturally
- Baby Ryan was born in April this year
The full article is HERE if you want to have a read. It was momentous news to all of us in TFE household.
As usual your host got up at the crack of dawn to prepare for the day’s festivities (At least I think 8:15 is the crack of doom dawn). Mrs FE had beaten me to it by getting up at 6:30, and when I ventured down I found her in the kitchen muttering arcane spells of the like “20 minutes to the pound and another twenty minutes…………”, and playing with strange things that purported to be vegetables. Promptly left that area of my in expertise.
I was left to stick to what I know best. The alcohol. Arranging the bottles and glasses to be ready at hand for the guests before they arrive.
Done. All is in order.
Fast forward 10 hours.
White wine lake : Empty.
Rose wine lake : Severely depleted.
Brandy: Left orbit just after the Christmas pud was finished.
Beer/lager: Red flashing warning signs signifying imminent collapse of stocks.
However all is not lost. The Whisky I hid has not been found. Yet.
What I would like to know is how do seven people drink eight bottles of white wine (includes a Grannie aged 91)? And they’re still imbibing the rum, gin, vodka, and anything else they find in my drinks cabinet.
It defies the laws of physics I tell you. I blame it on the Higgs Boson.
Bastards.
This is what the Elf (Seasonal) and safety executive have to say about them.
WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED
“While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
The Angel of the Lord came down,
And Glory shone around.”
The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health and Safety Regulations to insist the shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided. Therefore, benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to inclement weather they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras in centrally heated shepherd observation huts. The Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his/her Glory all around, the shepherds must be issued with glasses capable of filtering out any harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory lighting.
LITTLE DONKEY
“Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,
Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load.”
The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also in the guidelines are permitted feeding breaks, and at least one rest break in a four-hour plodding period (A Tachograph must be fitted). Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary & Joseph are required to wear facemasks. The ‘Little Donkey’ has expressed his discomfort as being labelled ‘Little’ and would prefer to being simply referred to as ‘Mr Donkey’. Comments upon his height or otherwise are considered to be a breach of his equine rights.
WE THREE KINGS
“We three Kings of Orient are, Bearing gifts we traverse afar, Field and fountain, Moor and Mountain, Following yonder star. ”
Whilst the gift of Gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ‘Cash4Gold’ etc – gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are not appropriate due to the risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. An acceptable alternative might be a gift voucher. It is not recommended that traversing Kings should rely on star navigation, and would advise the use of AA Routefinder or Sat Nav. Both can provide the quickest route and advise on fuel consumption. As in the case of Mr Donkey, the three camels require regular rest and food breaks and facemasks for the three Kings are obligatory due to the likelihood of desert dust disturbed by the camel hooves.
THE ROCKING CAROL
“Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir, We will lend a coat of fur, We will rock you, rock you, rock you, We will rock you, rock you, rock you, ”
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants due to the risk of allergy and for ethical reasons. Therefore, false fur, a cellular blanket or, perhaps, micro-fleece material should be considered alternatives. Please note that, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records (CRB) bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock Baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before any rocking commences.
JINGLE BELLS
“Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh,
Over fields we go – laughing all the way. ”
A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to ride. The Risk Assessment should also consider whether the use of only one horse in appropriate – particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Permission from landowners must be gained before entering any ‘Open Fields’. To avoid offending those not participating in the venture, it is required that only ‘moderate’ laughter is used and not at a noise level likely to be of nuisance to others.
RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER
“Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows, All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names, They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. ”
You are advised that, under the Equal Opportunities Policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment upon the ruddiness of Mr R Reindeer. Name-calling contravenes our Anti-Bullying policy, and further to this, the exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from any reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against anyone found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented, leading to imposing sanctions such as a ban from hanging up stockings or enjoying Christmas dinner.
AWAY IN A MANGER
“Away in a manger – no crib for a bed … ”
Refer to Social Services immediately
Another public service message from TFE.
This must be shown to the Cheeeeeldren to stop this cruelty NOW.
(And to save me money).
Being a religious normal person I felt I had to pray for you. Here is my offering. Kneel. (Or fall over in the gutter, if that is your preference).
Dear drinks cupboard may ye be replenished by the Lord Tesco Home delivery tomorrow.
Forgive those that have trespassed. Namely Mrs FE, The Son and nearly me who have gone to bed tonight absolutely pissed out of our brains.
Hic.
PS. We are all scheduled to die anyway according to to the Mayan calendar. So WTF.
