Definitely non PC

If you’re a Guardian reader. look away now.

During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, "We didn't even know they were living up there."

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.  How could anyone stoop so low!

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds and comes to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of
breath from all his climbing.
"No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out,
"Hey, Mohammed! Two coffees!"

Friendly Holiday Advice

Public service message.

Please, take care of yourself this Christmas.  A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the DVLA  indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.  This means that the remaining 77% are caused by people who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and shit like that.  Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.  They cause three times as many accidents.

See. Anyone can play with statistics.

Junk

(1) The three little words: 'Hold On, Please...'

Saying  this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of
hanging-up  immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear BT's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to  go back and hang up your handset....you have efficiently completed your task.
These three little words could help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do  you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls  and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This  technique is then used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' salesperson to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering: If  you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your #  button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses  the machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their  system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any  longer!!!

(3) When you get those  'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd  mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return  envelope.

Most of these come with postage-prepaid return  envelopes, right?
It costs them more than the regular  postage 'IF' and when they are returned. It costs them nothing if you  throw them away!

In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk  mail and put it in these cool little, postage-prepaid return envelopes.
Send an advert for your local chimney sweeper to American  Express... They might need one!

Send a pizza coupon to HSBC... In case  their canteen packs up. You get the idea.

If you didn't get anything  else that day, then just send them back their blank application form....  After all, it is their form!

If you want to remain anonymous, just  make sure your name isn't on anything you return.
You can even  send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It  still costs them, and it is their envelope after all; you are just  returning it!!!!

The banks and credit card companies are currently  getting a lot of their own junk back in the post, but folks....we need to  OVERWHELM them, in order to stop them.

Let's let them know what it's  like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all
they're paying for  it...Twice!

Let's help keep Royal Mail busy. Since the Royal Mail  is saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, let's help  them so they will not need to increase postage costs again. You get the  idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- maybe  you'll get very
little junk mail anymore.

Climate Realist fights back

A couple of days ago I posted how a UK blogger going by the name of “Tallbloke” was served a court order by six of the plod and had two computers and a router removed from his house.

The warrant was executed on behalf of a request from the American Ministry of Justice, to Norfolk police.

Since then it transpires that an American Blogger over at this site, wrote a libellous diatribe accusing Tallbloke of being a thief.

of course if you visit that site now, you will only find a hastily sanitised version of the post. I was shocked when I read the original post and so would you be if you’d seen it. (Others have screen shots of the original post)

Anyway Roger (Tallbloke) is not taking this lightly as his livelyhood is at stake, so he may take the author of the post through the Libel courts for defamation.

There is a fighting fund being organised over at Watts up with that. Believe you me the donations are flooding in. If you believe that the truth about the whole global warming scam is being manipulated by a now frightened core of fanatics who will do anything to stop their religion from being scuppered, then donate what you can. I know times are hard, but every little bit counts.

That song that is playing in your head.

Not meaning to nag. (Oh yes I am).

On sale at Amazon Tomorrow/. Priced £1.99. Go on splash out for a worthy cause.

Made me smile

 

"I was going through a couple of magazines down at the local mosque and then my gun jammed".

I made a mistake. I’m so sorry.

Stop press: FE news bulletin.

A day or two ago I wrote that santa had been shot down by an Iranian surface to air missile. I was wrong. It transpires that they were not the culprits. The real villains are exposed below in the article.

The US Air Force, NORAD (North American Aerospace Defense Command), in a gross case of mistaken identity, disintegrated Santa Clause and his 18 reindeer over Washington airspace this evening. Apparently, the heavy red man was flying over restricted airspace when he was mistaken for an intercontinental ballistic missile and was disintegrated on the spot.
The pilots of the two, F-18 Navy Hornet Fighters sent to the area say they tried to contact the object and unleashed several AIM-9 sidewinder missiles into the side of his sleigh after he failed to respond.

Volunteers who were working with NORAD Santa Tracking Operations Center (STOC) were dismayed when they had to break the bad news. Children, who were busy calling in and sending emails wanting to get a fix on Santa Claus' whereabouts before the incident occurred, were shocked to hear the news.

Those kids who were watching live, 3-D video-stream footage of the jolly saint getting blown to smithereens had it the worst said volunteers.

"What kid is going to understand that their number one hero was blown to smithereens just doing his job?" said children's advocate and author, Jonothan Kozel.

Social workers were being called in from all over Washington and locations outside the DC area to deal with the crises. Crisis centers opened throughout the city so that families could take their children for help dealing with strong emotions.

When asked again if he thought that the two Navy fighters acted in haste, Keating said, "We're a defensive organization. We have no intention of conducting offensive operations unless we're attacked. Those two fighters tried to make contact with him, but there was no response on his part. We're not even sure if that was the real Santa Clause, or a Communist impostor."

Researchers compared tonight's incident with the US Army Infantry fiasco reported earlier this month whereby US Abrams tanks blew up the Buddhas of Bamiya during a morning target practice exercise.
Researchers say that it has been too long a journey for the Fourth Century Bishop, over 1,600 years, to end up disintegrated in the sights of an F-18 aircraft.

This is a sad day for everybody.

In other news today, the US Navy has another one of their submarines in trouble off the coast of Australia. Apparently giant sperm whales are being attracted to the submarines for some reason.
Navy officials are not sure if it is the Navy's sonar that the giant whales are attracted to, or just the design, or if Cuba is feeding the giant fish large doses of Macca to stimulate it's sexual appetite to disable the subs. This issue is currently under investigation.

SOURCE

And Merry Christmas to the source.

They’re all crooked

The younger Cat that owns this house has a problem with her coat. She moults for Queen and Country. Her fur ends up in a knotted mass and this young female has a rabid dislike of being brushed, combed, and generally handled.

Mrs FE had the bright idea of suggesting the local vetinary practice could take the pain and sort out the coat. (if you’ve ever been scratched by a demented cat, then you’ll know the pain).

So I took the bloody scrounging animal into the vet this morning, sat there for half an hour, and eventually managed to hand over the criminal for incarceration and a fur entanglement procedure.

Phone rings in the afternoon. “Can you pick up your cat”. OK I’ll do that.

If I’d known that they had to drug said cat, just to brush out the lumps of fur, I would have taken another course of action.

Why did they have to charge me £124 for an anaesthetic when I could have rendered the creature from hell, unconscious with a brick?

They’re worse than the dentistry profession.

And then they came for the Sceptics……..

A British blogger who was one of the first Climate Sceptics to receive the Climategate2 Emails has had his home raided, and computers seized.

An Englishman’s home is his castle they say. Not when six detectives from the Metropolitan Police, the Norfolk Constabulary and the Computer Crime division arrive on your doorstep with a warrant to search it though.

I waved the first three in and bid them head through to the sitting room, where there was less of an chill near the woodburner. Then they kept coming, being introduced by the lead detective from Norfolk as they trooped in. I thought I’d been chosen to host the secret policemen’s ball or something.

Go and read it all over at Tallbloke’s Talkshop.

If they really just want copies they could have asked me. I’d have saved them the time and trouble, by just E mailing them to Force headquarters.

Need a drink?

Have you ever been in a strange place and wanted a drink? Then here’s a handy website.

http://wherethefuckshouldigofordrinks.com/

Just enter the post code.

H/t to Man Widdecombe