Symbolic

 

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:

"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.

You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the Earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”
The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

 

"Idiots...Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick"

Saturday Stupidity

 

One day, in Biblical world, long after the great flood waters had died down, God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No problemo God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all - you're the Man... " But, God interrupts, "there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Koi Carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Koi Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK... God me old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"

"Check".

“And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly getting increasingly worried about either the sanity of God or his own hearing...

"Dunno", says God....
"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

That debt

 

Don’t swear

A priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.  He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"  the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.   "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks..
And from the sky comes a booming voice ..

"Shit, I missed."

common purpose

I recently sent a FOI request to my County Council enquiring how many of their personal had been Common purpose trained. Not many it seems. See table below.

NAME	YEAR ATTENDED COURSE	ADMINISTRATIVE LEVEL/GRADE	DEPARTMENT
No consent to disclose details
Alison St Clair Baker	2006	Grade KS12	Environment & Regeneration – Change & Development Division
Marisa White	2006	Grade KS15	Children, Families & Education - Operations
No longer with KCC	2007	Grade KS13	Chief Executives Department – ICT Commissioning
No consent to disclose name	2007	Grade KS8-9	Communities – Policy & Resources - Kent Volunteers
No Longer with KCC	2007	KS13	Chief Executives Department – Business Solutions & Policy
Debra Exall	2008	KS15	Adult Services - Performance & Planning
No consent to disclose details

However, why are  some of them loath to allow their details to be known? Have they a dirty little secret that they don’t want me to know? Or maybe they realise they’ve been duped by this shadowy organisation that runs using Chatham house rules.

Just saying

For your continued education !

 

The origins of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods

when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale,

and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.

It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.....or is it?? ;)

Let’s go to Scotland for our booze.

The law of unintended consequences strikes the Righteous.

A loophole in a new law to curb binge drinking could see wine lovers heading to Scotland for bargain booze.

They really didn’t think it through did they?

Customers are expected to take advantage of the recent Alcohol Scotland Act, which stops two-for-one deals and discounts on wine bought in bulk.
It means chains like Majestic, which only sells in bulk, must now sell individual bottles of wine at the lower multiple-buy price available in England.

And even if they close that loophole, there’s still this.

The day before the law came into effect, Tesco told Scottish customers they could still benefit from online wine deals – as  orders were sent from Daventry, England.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Full story here

I am damned

Well, In the minds of the health puritans, I am.

I smoke 40 a day

I drink well over the “recommended limits”. (And I mean well over).

I like plenty of salt on my food.

I don’t go for long walks. (The thought of such a boring pastime makes me shiver).

I eat what I want.

So now you would expect by righteous definitions, I’m a menace to the future of the NHS, due to my non PC lifestyle.

Well the truth is that I’ve been almost no drain on the state. In my working life (43 years), I would say that I’ve had at the most, seven days of sick leave.

If you were to believe the likes of the so called charities such as ASH, Alcohol concern, the Obesity forum, and all the other rent seeking groups, I should have been dead years ago.

Sorry chums. I’m living proof that your propaganda is flawed.

My advice to the up and coming generation is enjoy life to the full. It’s the only one you’ll have. Go out, get drunk in the smoking shelter, then stagger home clutching a big mac, and enjoy yourself.

At the moment I’m actually a drain on the NHS as I’ve been diagnosed with a peptic ulcer. However that’s not my fault. I blame the commenters on this blog for putting me in the worrying position of trying to answer their absolutely brilliant comments, I fail dismally.

It’s your fault.

But, Hey, keep them coming.

Hoorah

I’m now up and running on my new computer. And what a delight it is.

Having just spent the last couple of days transferring files and pics to this one, it’s nice to know that I’ve something reliable to work with.

Buying a new computer does come with a downside though. This one came bundled with a wireless keyboard and Mouse. These have now been consigned to the darkest cupboard, as they are the cheapest, badly designed, peripherals  I have come across in a long time.

The Mouse was the size of a football,compared to my old mouse, and the keys on the keyboard felt as if they were made from the inside of a swiss cheese.

One of my biggest problems was in setting up an Email programme for Mrs FE. As the ISP account holder it’s easy to set up my Email. however to set up my wife’s account is always a pain in the Arse. I find that she can send Emails, but not receive them. However I’ve now got that sorted.

Another problem is that at the moment I’m running with unsecured wiFi due to the inability of the onboard WiFi adapter to accept my Routers instructions. Apparently my Router is of a higher standard than the onboard WiFi can cope with.

That’s now sorted as a new wireless dongle plopped onto  the mat this morning. the WiFi was secure in minutes.

So now you get the chance to read at least another five years of my ridiculous posts. You have been warned.

Tied to the taliban

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your f****** brother won't let me in without a tie!"