My darling eldest daughter and her fiancée are now the proud owners of their first property. Contracts were exchanged today.
It’s been a small nightmare which shouldn’t have happened. See this post
I forgot how stressful the whole property buying business was.
A large whisky is called for.
*Then again. When have I ever poured a small whisky?*
Will you please stop changing Live Writer.
It seems that just as I get used to a version, they think Mmmm. Lets just bugger up FE again.
I’m on my third version in six months now.
Another self serving bunch of twats trying to justify their existence.
In a statement on the Comprehensive Spending Review announcement today, Phelim Mac Cafferty, the chair of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans (LGBT) Greens stated:
"The proposed cuts in today's Comprehensive Spending Review are gravely worrying for the LGBT community.
WTF and why?
"The axing of nearly half a million jobs in the public sector will hit LGBT people disproportionately. It will mean the erosion of dedicated service provision to among many others groups, LGBT people. Public services, meanwhile, will be placed in the hands of private profiteers.
And
An eye-watering £18 billion cut in welfare spending between now and 2015[1] will hurt those who have lost their jobs through the recession and those unwell on benefits. Along with the dramatic hike in National Insurance, the poorest are unfairly facing the blame. For those on housing benefit, especially given the imposed caps on housing benefit, we can sadly only expect a rise in homelessness, despite the fact that we know already that there are a disproportionate quantity of LGBT homeless.
The point of this missive is that I get pissed off by special interest groups sounding out about how badly treated they are. Grow a pair of balls* and realise that life isn’t fair.
* Not sure whether that is apt for the transgender or Lesbians.
Then again why should I care?
Imagine the following:
You have just made it through your wedding ceremony and have stepped out on the front steps of the church. The photographer raises his camera. Following a family tradition, both of you hold white doves which you will release together.
You and your new bride stand shoulder to shoulder with a dove in your hands as your friends and family eagerly wait. The photographer gives the signal and you and your bride open your hands toward the sky. Not a dry eye anywhere, the camera flashes; the moment is saved for eternity...
farther down
keep going
Wouldn't you just DIE??? And you thought the doves were going to crap, didn't you?
Just goes to show that the left doesn’t know what the right are doing. Best do your homework first before you start pontificating.
A council with one of London's strongest anti-smoking policies has bowed to pressure to reveal nearly £1.5 million it invests in tobacco firms.
Of course they didn’t want the truth out in the open.
But during an Evening Standard investigation into the payment of more than £160 million by London council pension funds into cigarette-making firms, the authority tried to obstruct publication of its holdings in such companies.
Officials eventually conceded the council directly owns £1 million in RJ Reynolds, maker of Camel cigarettes, through its pension fund. Further inquiries showed it invests nearly £500,000 more in other cigarette companies including British American Tobacco and Imperial Tobacco.
Redbridge Council. Hang your heads in shame.
Me. I just laugh at the hypcrites
So you think you've got the answer to all your cleaning problems... get a cleaner! It's simple. Or is it? The following diary written by someone who employs a cleaner might make you think again.
7.30am Cleaner due in 90 minutes. Aaargh! Mad rush to clean, dust, spritz, buff and polish things so that cleaner doesn't think I'm a slob (she would of course be right). Hide dirty underwear. Bin really dirty underwear. Hide 'dirty' (ie provocative) underwear so cleaner doesn't think I'm kinky.
8am Leave house to avoid encountering cleaner - she thinks I have a proper nine to five job.
9am Realise I've forgotten to leave money for cleaner.
9.30am Return home to encounter cleaner reading my mail. Embarrassed exchange of pleasantries and 20 quid.
9.45am Point out that windows need cleaning. Cleaner sniffs. 'Don't do windows 'cos of me back'. Neither does she do 'fridges, ovens, chip pans or cat litter'. (I don't have a cat. Perhaps she is trying to tell me my flat smells a bit?)
10am Cleaner makes tea, complains about lack of milk and asks whether I'm going to be late for work.
11am - 5pm Mooch around shops trying not to think about what cleaner might be poking about with in my flat. Contemplate shinning up drainpipe and peering through window, then remember it's too dirty to see through.
6pm Return home. Admire the way cleaner has moved every single item of furniture. Spend three hours moving it all back, and thus uncovering stains which cleaner couldn't be arsed to clean.
9pm Note marked absence of biscuits, tea, pile of nicely ironed clothes and assorted newspapers marked 'please do not chuck out as I haven't read these yet'.
10pm Sit down to watch video recording of Eastenders screened earlier on in the evening.
10.05pm Discover that cleaner unplugged video and reset it.
10.06pm Watch unwanted eight hour video of International Golf, before falling asleep and having violent dreams about disembowelment of cleaner with a Dyson crevice tool.
Repeat once a week as necessary, and say out loud, rhetorically, 'This is 'labour-saving'?'
Uses for Unwanted CDs
Something obviously has to be done about this problem. Certain inventive minds have come up with a number of uses for these CDs, thus avoiding space wastage and also preventing future generations making the mistake of coming across these CDs and inserting them into their computers.
The current most popular use is to use them as frisbees. They don't fly very well, they break easily, but there's plenty more where they came from.
They can be stuck (label first) onto the wall in a pattern as a nice modern art decoration.
They make great novelty beer mats.
You can use particularly shiny ones as shaving mirrors.
Superglue them all together, and use as a large-volume, small-capacity Smarties (See Note 1) tube, as extra-secure cable insulation, as small coffee tables, or as rollers for transporting large furniture.
Become a physics lecturer and use them to demonstrate refraction of light.
Glue one to the back of your hamster's wheel so it can use its reflection as a pace setter while exercising.
Propose to your beloved and present it as a novelty engagement ring.
Note 1. These are small disc-shaped chocolate sweets sold in tubes and available in the UK.
No. I’m not going to bother you with the comprehensive spending review. This is far more serious.
Today I was coerced into transferring a considerable amount of money into a solicitor’s bank account. This solicitor is acting as an intermediary, for a shadowy couple who appear out of the shadows every so often. This is not the first time I’ve had dealings with these people. They’ve even followed me abroad in pursuance of gain, in their quest to bankrupt me.
I’ve even been accosted in restaurants and pubs and forced to pay for their meals in order to get them off my back. How much more can a man stand?
I’ve even been forced to lock money into a bank account for three years in order that they can extract the maximum out of me.
At this time I would hope that my readers have now phoned The Police, Social Services, The Vice Squad, Their Local Diversity Outreach co-coordinator, Gay Lesbian Transgender Representative, (What ever floats your boat) etc. In order to help FE from these criminals.
Stop that dialling. NOW.
Saint FE has actually been trying to get the Eldest Daughter and her Fiancée onto the housing ladder. But my God the hoops you have to go through.
The end is Nigh. Hopefully.
Alternative Uses For Junk Mail
Flyers and leaflets can be used as an endless source of cheap bookmarks.
Some junk mail envelopes are blank and can easily be reused.
Large flyers and catalogues can make good fire-lighters.
Alternative Uses for Unwanted Magazines
Read at least one issue of the offending magazine. If you like what you see (you never know), there should be no further problem.
If someone in the house already has a subscription to the magazine and you now get two of each issue, put one in the bathroom or toilet. It provides good reading material, or at least might come in handy during toilet paper shortages.
Move house. They can't find you if you change your address. Note that this is a rather silly option, as it would be much cheaper just to unsubscribe from the magazine.
If you have a friend that you suspect might enjoy reading about motor sports, or cactus gardens, or whatever other completely arbitrary thing the magazine happens to be about, simply give them the magazines.
Many magazines are printed on recycled paper. If your much-despised publication happens to be one of these, then it may be a good idea to think about using them for something like the lining on the floor of a birdcage, or as a place for a small dog to urinate. Alternatively, recycled paper is also good for papier maché (provided the dog doesn't get to it first).
There is a chance, however small, that your magazine is prestigious enough to be collectable (See Note 1). Just find a large box, put all of your magazines in it until the subscription runs out, and then stuff it up inside your attic and try not to forget about them (See Note 2).
If all this doesn't work, just give up. Some people out there might contemplate taking the effort to throw their unwanted magazines in the bin or recycle them, but that's far too much effort.
1. In other words, some weirdo will probably buy them off you later if you take good care of them.
1. On second thought, forgetting them might not be the worst thing that could happen.
