Drinkers Fault - Finding Guide

SYMPTOM	FAULT	ACTION TO BE TAKEN
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet.	Mouth not open whilst drinking. Or Glass being applied to wrong part of face.	Buy another pint and practise in front of mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.	Glass empty	Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Feet cold and wet.	Glass being held at incorrect angle.	Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing towards the ceiling.
Feet warm and wet	Loss of self control	Go and stand next to the nearest dog - After a while complain to it's owner about it's lack of house training and demand a pint in compensation.
Bar blurred	You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass	Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Bar swaying	Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.	Insert a broom handle down back of jacket.
Bar moving	You are being carried out	Find out if you are being taken to another pub. If not, complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles, and has a fluorescent light strip across it.	You have fallen over backwards.	If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar.
Everything has gone dim, and you have a mouthful of dog-ends and teeth.	You have fallen over forwards.	As for falling over backwards.
You have woken up to find your bed hard cold and wet.	You have spent the night in the gutter.	Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie-in.
Everything has gone dark.	The pub is closing	Panic!!!

Marriage should be banned.

Well as far as my offspring are concerned.

The eldest daughter was invited to be married on New years Eve. I'm now quaking in my bank balance.

The younger daughter married her primary school sweetheart two years ago. How much did it cost, you might ask? £5,000, £10,000, £15,000. No, it cost this poor old pensioner £27,000. Can't they just live in sin?

The reason I'm posting this is that I was dragged out in the pouring rain to visit one of those Wedding Fayre venues. Even the other half came away shaking her head.

That's not the worst part though. I will have to make that speech, praising the daughter (The one that I fought tooth and nail to recover her profligate credit card charges back due to her complete lack of financial prudence)(No, her name is not Gordonia), for her lovely looks and her love of her parents. (Now I'm being silly).

Oh well, I shall just have to bite the bullet, pay up, and think, yehheh I've got shot of them to the poor bastards who have taken them on.

Paul & Hew, You have my commiserations.

A Billion?

 

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the politicians spending YOUR tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency recently did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective ...

A billion seconds ago it was 1959

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive

A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age

A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet

A billion pounds ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it: Building Permit Tax, Cigarette Tax, Corporate Income Tax, Dog Licence Tax, Income Tax, Unemployment Tax, Fishing Licence Tax, Food Licence Tax, Fuel Permit Tax, Petrol/Diesel Tax, Hunting Licence Tax, Inheritance Tax, Inventory Tax, Liquor Tax, Luxury Tax, Marriage Licence Tax, Property Tax, Real Estate Tax, Service Charge Tax, Social Security Tax, Road Usage Tax, Rates/Local Tax, Vehicle License Registration Tax, Vehicle Sales Tax, Workers Compensation Tax ...

This was an American advertising agency, as you may have guessed. In this country only the terminology is different.
Still think this is funny? Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt. We had the largest middle class in the world, and Mum could afford to stay home to raise the kids.

 

H/T to GOS

Love Never dies.

A little bit of culture for Sunday.

They wouldn't dare. Would they?

Reported in the Mail

Hostilities between the UK and Argentina will reach boiling point today with the arrival of a British oil rig off the Falkland Islands.

Buenos Aires has threatened to take steps to prevent what it believes is 'illegal' drilling - including a blockade of ships.

It would appear that the Argentinian President is doing a bit of sabre rattling.

However, although there are not huge forces available to protect the Falklands and the Argentinian forces would appear to be numerically superior, it is not about the numbers.

The difference between 1982 and now is our ability to reinforce the Falklands within hours if required. In 1982 the only real runway was at Stanley and did not have the facilities that the new Military airbase at Mount Pleasant enjoys.

The Argentinian Navy:

4 x Meko 360 destroyers

6 x Meko 140 destroyers

3 x Corvettes

3 x Diesel/electric Submarines

1 x Support ship.(Fuel)

The British navy:

1 x Aircraft carrier

5 x Type 42 Destroyers

13 x Type 23 Frigates

4 x Type 22 Frigates

7 x Nuclear hunter killer submarines

The Argentine Air force:

31 x Fighter Aircraft

36 x Ground attack

2/3 x Aerial refuelling

British air assets.

1 Group (Air Combat Group) - HQ High Wycombe

1 Squadron*
Harrier GR.7/7A/9/T.10
Cottesmore

2 Squadron
Tornado GR.4/4A
Marham

3 Squadron
Typhoon T.1/F.2
Coningsby

4 Squadron*
Harrier GR.7/7A/9/T.10
Cottesmore

6 Squadron
Jaguar GR.3A/T.4
Coningsby

9 Squadron
Tornado GR.4
Marham

12 Squadron
Tornado GR.4/4A
Lossiemouth

13 Squadron
Tornado GR.4/4A
Marham

14 Squadron
Tornado GR.4/4A
Lossiemouth

15(R) Squadron (NTOCU)
Tornado GR.4
Lossiemouth

17(R) Squadron
(Typhoon OEU)
Typhoon T.1/F.2
Coningsby

20(R) Squadron (233 OCU)*
Harrier GR.7/T.10/T.12
Wittering

25 Squadron
Tornado F.3
Leeming

29(R) Squadron (T OCU)
Typhoon T.1/F.2
Coningsby

31 Squadron
Tornado GR.4/4A
Marham

41(R) Sqn
Tornado GR.4, Tornado F.3, Harrier GR.9/9A
Coningsby

43 Squadron
Tornado F.3
Leuchars

56(R) Squadron (229 OCU)
Tornado F.3
Leuchars

100 Squadron
Hawk T.1/T.1A/T.1W
Leeming

111 Squadron
Tornado F.3
Leuchars

617 Squadron
Tornado GR.4/4A
Lossiemouth

1435 Flight
Tornado F.3
Mount Pleasant, Falklands

2 Group (Air Combat Support Group) - HQ High Wycombe

5 Squadron
Sentinel R.1
Waddington

8 Squadron
Boeing Sentry AEW.1
Waddington

22 Squadron HQ
Sea King HAR.3/3A
St. Mawgan

- A Flight
Sea King HAR.3A
Chivenor

- B Flight
Sea King HAR.3A
Wattisham

- C Flight
Sea King HAR.3
Valley

23 Squadron (Sentry OCU)
Boeing Sentry AEW.1
Waddington

24 Squadron
Hercules C.4/C.5
Lyneham

30 Squadron
Hercules C.4/C.5
Lyneham

32 (The Royal) Squadron
BAe 125 CC.3, BAe 146 CC.2,
A109E
Northolt

39 Squadron (1 PRU)
Canberra PR.9
Marham

42(R) Squadron (236 OCU)
Nimrod MR.2
Kinloss

47 Squadron
Hercules C.1/C.3
Lyneham

51 Squadron
Nimrod R.1
Waddington

54(R) Squadron
Nimrod R.1, Sentry AEW.1
Waddington

70 Squadron
Hercules C.1/C.3
Lyneham

99 Squadron
C-17A Globemaster III
Brize Norton

101 Squadron
VC-10 C.1K/K.3/4
Brize Norton

120 Squadron
Nimrod MR.2
Kinloss

201 Squadron
Nimrod MR.2
Kinloss

202 Squadron HQ
Sea King HAR.3
Boulmer

- A Flight
Sea King HAR.3
Boulmer

- D Flight
Sea King HAR.3
Kinloss

- E Flight
Sea King HAR.3
Leconfield

203(R) Squadron
Sea King HAR.3
St. Mawgan

216 Squadron
TriStar K.1/KC.1/C.2/C.2A
Brize Norton

1312 Flight
Hercules C.1, VC-10 K.2/3/4
Mount Pleasant, Falklands

Hercules OEU
Hercules C.1/C.3/C.4/C.5
Lyneham

Northolt Station Flight
Islander CC.2/2A
Northolt

Direct Reporting Units

78 Squadron
Chinook HC.2, Sea King HAR.3
Mount Pleasant, Falklands

84 Squadron
Griffin HAR.2
Akrotiri, Cyprus

1115 Flight $
Predator UAV
Indian Springs, NV, USA

1310 Flight
Chinook HC.2
Khandahar, Afghanistan

1419 Flight
Merlin HC.3
Basra, Iraq

1563 Flight
Puma HC.1
Basra, Iraq

Operation 'Heric'
Harrier GR.7A
Khandahar, Afghanistan

Operation 'Telic'
Tornado GR.4
Al Udeid, Qatar

BBMF
Spitfire, Hurricane, Lancaster,
Dakota, Chipmunk
Coningsby

Personnel & Training Command - HQ Innsworth

19(R) Squadron (4 FTS)
Hawk T.1/T.1A/T.1W
Valley

45(R) Squadron (3 FTS)
King Air 200
Cranwell

55(R) Squadron (3 FTS)
Dominie T.1
Cranwell

72(R) Squadron (1 FTS)
Tucano T.1
Linton-on-Ouse/Topcliffe

207(R) Squadron (1 FTS)
Tucano T.1
Linton-on-Ouse/Topcliffe

208(R) Squadron (4 FTS)
Hawk T.1/T.1A/T.1W
Valley

1 FTS (inc CFS)
Tucano T.1
Linton-on-Ouse/Topcliffe

3 FTS (inc CFS)
Dominie T.1, King Air 200, Grob G.115E Tutor
Cranwell

4 FTS (inc CFS)
Hawk T.1/T.1A
Valley

CFS Tutor Squadron (3 FTS)
Grob G.115E Tutor
Cranwell

CFS Tucano Squadron (1 FTS)
Tucano T.1
Topcliffe

RAF College Air Squadron
Grob G.115E Tutor, T-67M Firefly
Cranwell

The Red Arrows
Hawk T.1/T.1A/T.1W
Scampton

University Air Squadrons/AEFs
Grob G.115E Tutor
-

Volunteer Gliding Squadrons
Viking T.1/Vigilant T.1
-

Joint Helicopter Command - HQ Wilton

7 Squadron
Chinook HC.2/Gazelle AH.1
Odiham

18 Squadron
Chinook HC.2/HC.2A
Odiham

27 Squadron
Chinook HC.2/HC.2A
Odiham

28 Squadron
Merlin HC.3
Benson

33 Squadron
Puma HC.1
Benson

60(R) Squadron (DHFS)
Bell Griffin HT.1
Shawbury

- SARTU
Bell Griffin HT.1
Valley

230 Squadron
Puma HC.1
Aldergrove

Good to have a fair fight

The thing is. The situation has changed since 1982. We now have a sophisticated military base on the Islands that can be re-inforced within days, if not hours. This is a collossal advantage that we can exploit if need be.

The weaponry available to the British armed forces is a considerable differance to what we had in 82. Precision laser guided bombs, Fire and forget anti aircraft missiles, Submarine launched land attack missiles. The list goes on.

You get my drift.

The takeaway is being delivered

 

Ist Trial by Jury. FAIL

 

I had to laugh. This landmark case failed at the first hurdle. The accused has absconded!

Scotland Yard warned the public to beware of ''dangerous'' Blake, 57, after he disappeared from the Royal Courts of Justice, in central London.

For Christ's sake, if he's that dangerous, how could the Police LOSE him.

Full story here.

Face/palm

Sheer Arrogance.

 

I don't know what Planet some of these MPs' come from. They certainly don't inhabit the one I live on.

Sir Nicholas Winterton has angrily denounced plans to reduce first-class travel by MPs - telling the BBC he needs "quiet" and privacy to work.

The veteran Tory MP said there was a "totally different type of people" in standard-class train carriages.

Maybe if he was forced to sit stand in second class he might just realise what the rest of us have to endure when we are travelling on Shitish Rail, or whatever it is called now.

And although we pay for it, he has this to add.

Asked whether it mattered that the public might not agree with first-class travel, he said: "I'm sorry, the public are wrong. It's for Parliament to decide not the public."

Idiots like him make me want to spit.

Where's Guy Fawkes when you need him?

And they came for the drinkers?

A classic remake of an old picture

 

 

H/T to Mylabourposter

The Robert Green affair. Was the BBC gagged?

It gets curioser and curioser.

Why was a BBC producer not allowed to make a production about Paedophilia in Scotland?

Listen to the link below.

 

2149-1-robertgreen_bbc_pull_documentary.mp3

 

Something stinks here.