Dear Diary

 

HELGA'S CRUISE  SHIP DIARY

DEAR DIARY -  DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses,  swimsuits, short sets.  Really, really  exciting.
Our  local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls"  trip.
It  will be my first one, - and I can't  wait!
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DEAR  DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful.  Saw whales and  dolphins.  Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice, handsome  man.
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DEAR  DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today.  Did some shuffleboard, hit golf  balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for  dinner.  Felt honored and had a wonderful time.  He is very  attractive and  attentive.
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DEAR  DIARY - DAY 4
Won  $800.00 in the ship's casino.  Captain asked me to have dinner with him  in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and  champagne.  He asked me to stay the night, but I declined.  Told him  I could not be unfaithful to my  husband.
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DEAR  DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to  drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day.  Captain saw me, bought  me several large drinks.
Really is quite charming.  Again asked me to  visit his cabin for the night.  Again I declined.  He told me, if I  did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... 

I was  shocked.
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DEAR  DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 2600  lives.
Twice.

A simple guide to the…..

Higgs boson.

No more

Father of the Bride’s speeches that is. The last daughter was got rid off married yesterday.

Yesterday’s wedding of my daughter went off without a hitch. (Mind you there was a nearly fatal accident when a large inebriated women, slipped and almost crushed a small child whilst dancing. I’m sure the health and safety executive will find some rule or regulation in due course).

The venue was stunning and the civil ceremony went well, even though I had to restrain my daughter from running down the aisle shouting “His fortune is within my grasp”.

Even  this season of unfortunate weather was no deterrent to the organisation and timing of the wedding and reception.

What was so remarkable about this wedding compared with my other daughters wedding was this one was not a packaged bash. We chose a barebones venue and organised the catering, flowers, refreshments, evening bar, and DJ, ourselves. And surprisingly it worked.

As any readers of this blog will know, I spent many hours working on my speech, with some trepidation I can tell you.

However it seemed to go down a storm. Every time I drew breath people clapped. I gave it a tear factor of 20% due to the number of people who came up to me afterwards to inform me that they had cried at some stage. (It then really worried me. Had I, in my utter funk, just recited the speech I made at my late uncle’s funeral by mistake?)

Any way the whole do was a resounding success.

My tip is anyone who has a daughter to get rid off marry off. Do feel free to organise it yourself, It’s not just about saving money. It’s about satisfaction. The Bride and groom get a marriage tailored to perfection.

I’m suffering with a post wedding hangover, so I’m going to pour another large whisky.

And a toast to the happy couple.

And here they are. Please be upstanding and raise your glasses. May they live in happiness.

PS I’m actually sober whilst writing this piece. I just need to say how proud I am of my kids.

Finished at last

My father of the bride speech.

Tomorrow God (or enter deity of  your choice) willing I’ll be giving away my eldest daughter. I managed to palm the other one off on to a gullible fool a couple of years ago.

Luckily my son is down for the wedding and has proof read the drivel I wrote. Now, it is well spelt drivel.

Everything is now arranged and hopefully paid for, and with any luck the day will be a success.

PS. I now have most of the world’s supply of umbrellas.

That’s how you do it.

 

Don’t have kids

Or at least not the female variety.

On Saturday my eldest daughter (Bless her) gets married. Yours truly has spent the last week or so running around in small circles tying up all the loose ends. Final fitting of THAT dress. Sorting out the collection and return of the morning suits. And of course the worst part of all. Bloody well having to pay for it all.

Here’s a little snippet of the costs involved for 110 guests.

The Venue: £ 5,000 (We’re renting the place FFS, not putting down a deposit to buy).

The DRESS!: £1,100. (I dared to mention a charity shop might be a good place to look. I spent two uncomfortable nights on the Sofa, for that heretical remark). 

A photographer: £1,150. Those photos better be bloody good for that price. I expect at least some satellite imagery to be included.

And of course the……..

Wedding Breakfast : £ 8,750. FFS £80 a head for lamb chops, or whatever they’re called these days.

And that is just some of the cost of a thoroughly modern wedding. And before you have a go at me for the extravagance, If I didn’t concur with the arrangements I would be blamed for being anti feminist, and I must think of the Cheeeeldren.

And that’s why my posts have been sparse.

And don’t get me started on that speech I have to make.

Wondered how it works?

The Internet that is.

*A public service broadcast from TFE*

It’s her job

Busy, Busy, Busy.

I’m still trying to sort out wedding arrangements for Daughter 1.

That Princess

What really happened.

The smoking war at sea.

This is the era when the badly researched science of second hand smoking was just starting to waft it’s ugly aroma.

Here we are off the coast of Iraq in early 2001

There I was onboard a massive grey painted ship just over the horizon from an enemy shore. The vessel in question is the Navy’s helicopter training ship and is sailing in her secondary function as “casualty receiving ship”. Not to be confused with a hospital ship. The reason being is that the vessel is fitted with a variety of armaments.

Hostilities have commenced and my Action Station post was I/C (In Command) of HQ1 (Command post for Fire fighting, damage repair, & Nuclear, Chemical and Biological threats). Adjoining HQ1 was the machinery control room run by a team of engineer officers and ratings.

Smoking areas on ships were a bit hit and miss at that time. It varied depending on which ship you were on.

I’m quietly sitting in my command seat when over my head set comes the somewhat worrying report from the Bridge that a Russian made anti ship missile search radar was sweeping us, and that the ship was going to turn and head out to sea at maximum speed. (Max speed being  a sprightly seventeen knots and sea skimming missiles have a habit of speeding in in the hundreds of knots).

Well naturally anyone would do what I did. I reached into the top pocket of my action coverall produced a packet of cigarettes and lit up. After a few moments a shout rings out from the adjoining control room, “you can’t smoke here”. My reply. (In wind up mode) “ Fuck off. I’m allowed to have a last cigarette before we all die in a blazing fireball in the next few minutes”. No reply.

Funnily enough no smoking in that space was never mentioned again.

Aside: One of the reasons I retired when I did, was the draconian rules on smoking that came about after 2007 onboard ships.