No more

Father of the Bride’s speeches that is. The last daughter was got rid off married yesterday.

Yesterday’s wedding of my daughter went off without a hitch. (Mind you there was a nearly fatal accident when a large inebriated women, slipped and almost crushed a small child whilst dancing. I’m sure the health and safety executive will find some rule or regulation in due course).

The venue was stunning and the civil ceremony went well, even though I had to restrain my daughter from running down the aisle shouting “His fortune is within my grasp”.

Even  this season of unfortunate weather was no deterrent to the organisation and timing of the wedding and reception.

What was so remarkable about this wedding compared with my other daughters wedding was this one was not a packaged bash. We chose a barebones venue and organised the catering, flowers, refreshments, evening bar, and DJ, ourselves. And surprisingly it worked.

As any readers of this blog will know, I spent many hours working on my speech, with some trepidation I can tell you.

However it seemed to go down a storm. Every time I drew breath people clapped. I gave it a tear factor of 20% due to the number of people who came up to me afterwards to inform me that they had cried at some stage. (It then really worried me. Had I, in my utter funk, just recited the speech I made at my late uncle’s funeral by mistake?)

Any way the whole do was a resounding success.

My tip is anyone who has a daughter to get rid off marry off. Do feel free to organise it yourself, It’s not just about saving money. It’s about satisfaction. The Bride and groom get a marriage tailored to perfection.

I’m suffering with a post wedding hangover, so I’m going to pour another large whisky.

And a toast to the happy couple.

And here they are. Please be upstanding and raise your glasses. May they live in happiness.

PS I’m actually sober whilst writing this piece. I just need to say how proud I am of my kids.

Finished at last

My father of the bride speech.

Tomorrow God (or enter deity of  your choice) willing I’ll be giving away my eldest daughter. I managed to palm the other one off on to a gullible fool a couple of years ago.

Luckily my son is down for the wedding and has proof read the drivel I wrote. Now, it is well spelt drivel.

Everything is now arranged and hopefully paid for, and with any luck the day will be a success.

PS. I now have most of the world’s supply of umbrellas.

Don’t have kids

Or at least not the female variety.

On Saturday my eldest daughter (Bless her) gets married. Yours truly has spent the last week or so running around in small circles tying up all the loose ends. Final fitting of THAT dress. Sorting out the collection and return of the morning suits. And of course the worst part of all. Bloody well having to pay for it all.

Here’s a little snippet of the costs involved for 110 guests.

The Venue: £ 5,000 (We’re renting the place FFS, not putting down a deposit to buy).

The DRESS!: £1,100. (I dared to mention a charity shop might be a good place to look. I spent two uncomfortable nights on the Sofa, for that heretical remark). 

A photographer: £1,150. Those photos better be bloody good for that price. I expect at least some satellite imagery to be included.

And of course the……..

Wedding Breakfast : £ 8,750. FFS £80 a head for lamb chops, or whatever they’re called these days.

And that is just some of the cost of a thoroughly modern wedding. And before you have a go at me for the extravagance, If I didn’t concur with the arrangements I would be blamed for being anti feminist, and I must think of the Cheeeeldren.

And that’s why my posts have been sparse.

And don’t get me started on that speech I have to make.

My speech

As some of you know. In ten days time I have to give away another of my daughters. (In marriage)(And why do we have to give them away. If the Fiancee likes her that much, why can’t he buy her off me).

Anyhoo. here’s a few more paragraphs I’ve cobbled together

While preparing this speech I was getting a little sentimental and decided to get out a few old photograph albums. Tears welled up in my eyes as I turned the pages and the one picture that stood out from the others was the striking photograph of my precious daughter lying on a rug, dribbling and pointing at the lens. What a treasure she looked as she tried to stand … she’ll never forget her 21st birthday.

or

When I was preparing this speech, I decided to learn from the great public speakers of history – but I found Stalin, Hitler and Castro a bit thin on loving tributes to the bride.

or

As father of the bride, it is my responsibility to make the first toast to the happy couple. I diligently researched many books in many libraries to locate just the right toast. In my search, I was astonished to discover that marriage is a trilogy of rings. When Paul decided that Linda was the girl for him, he asked for her hand in marriage and presented her with the first ring, the engagement ring. Now today, all of us here witnessed Paul and Linda vow their lives to each other as they exchanged the second ring in the trilogy, the wedding ring. But as many of you married couples here today will be able to confirm, the third ring comes a few years down the road, after the honeymoon is over, the bills are mounting and the kids are screaming. This third ring, of course, is the suffer-ring.

Can I use any of them. And if so. Which?

Light blogging

Over the next few weeks, for a number of reasons, this blogger may post less on this blog. (Not that you care, I suspect).

1. One of my daughters gave me on Father’s day, a genealogy software package. I intend to use the three months subscription free package, to it’s full usage. (I’m a tight git).

2. I have to fly to Munich next weekend for a stag do. That’s the weekend blogging done for.

3. In less than three weeks I’ve (forcibly^*) to attend my eldest daughters wedding. Of course I will be phoned at every instance and expected to sort out other’s cock ups. However the worst is that I’ve got to make a speech. So far I’ve not managed to get very far with it.

This is as far as I’ve got:

Ladies and Gentlemen - You will all be pleased to learn that my speech will be every bit as good as the last wedding speech I gave. In fact, my side of the family will probably remember great chunks of it! Not really, although I am following exactly the same format. This means it will probably start off badly, sag in the middle with long silences, and then trail off into a lot of incoherent rambling.

Weddings are a marvellous excuse for a big party, and today is no exception. We have a lot of people here today – grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends… and a handful of people I recognize. Thank you all for coming.

The worst bit is that I’ll have to remember it. Could I do death by PowerPoint instead, or is that unacceptable?

So you see, I’ve the whole world on my shoulders.

Working out when everyone dies.

Drinking to excess.

And spouting drivel. (Mind you, considering that the cost of this wedding could bail out Spain, twice). If any of you can send me some pithy father of the bride speech material, I will be eternally grateful. (Well maybe).

What do you think?

* In the Chav vernacular. Luv hr to bitz.

Congratulations

My hearty congratulations to William and Kate on their marriage today.

The only disappointment of the day was not seeing them leave the palace today on the back of William’s Ducati. Now that really would have made headlines.

Oh and my “rear of the year” nomination must go to Pippa Middleton.

Pic shamelessly nicked from Max Farquar

That wedding

A trailer of the event.