That’s Christmas cancelled

According to reliable reports Santa’s pre Christmas trials have been a disaster.

TEHRAN (Dec 13)-The Iranian News Agency is claiming that the Doshan Tapeh Air Base commander has reported one of it's newly acquired Russian SA-15 anti-aircraft missile defence batteries engaged and shot down the Santa Claus reindeer propelled flying sled over Northern Iran today. The target was tracked on radar for 10 minutes before the order to fire was given by the regional air defence commander
Witnesses report seeing the SA-15 streak skyward erupting in a brilliant flash and then a giant fireball plummeting to the earth. The fireball was captured on film.
The smouldering wreckage was discovered in the mountainous region of Mazandaran Province, just south of the Caspian Sea.
The crash site had been looted by local village children leaving only scraps of colourful paper wraps and ribbon amid a large impact crater.
There were no signs of a survivor. Villagers reported a large pack of wolves carried off the reindeer remains.
A NORAD command spokesperson at Peterson Air Force Base answered "no comment" when asked if Santa had yet to appear on US radar. An unnamed senior radar specialist commented, "In all the years I've been doing this I've never seen Santa fail to show up on radar. I fear something dreadful has happened".

You heard it here first.

Update: Disturbing news. There is some doubt of the veracity of the proponent of this foul deed. Further investigations are ongoing at this time,

politically incorrect. Look away now. (or peek through your fingers).

During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, "We didn't even know they were living up there."

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.  How could anyone stoop so low!

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds and comes to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of
breath from all his climbing.
"No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out,
"Hey, Mohammed! Two coffees!"

High water bill explained

Jennifer and Jim kept getting huge water bills. They knew beyond a doubt that the  bills weren't representative of their actual usage, and no matter how  hard they tried to conserve, the high bills continued, with some  being larger than others. Since they could find nothing wrong  themselves, they had a plumber come out and check everything for leaks  or problems, including the water meter, outdoor pipes, indoor pipes,  underground pipes, faucets, toilets, washer, ice maker......EVERYTHING  to which their water line was connected -- all  to no  avail.
One day Jim was sick and stayed at home in bed. Not long  after his wife left for work, he was awoken by hearing running water.  He finally figured that it seemed like something downstairs running. So  he finally conjured up enough strength to get himself out of bed to  investigate, and it was then he stumbled onto the cause of their really  high water bills. Apparently this was happening all day long when they  were not at home.
He called his wife home, and then  knowing that few people would ever believe them, he and his wife video  taped a segment of the 'problem' for all posterity so as to have a film  of this unbelievable 'leak' -- see attached  video.

Christmas, logs, and the dentist.

It was one of those days. Today I had an appointment with the dentist. As we’ve only got one car now, The second one being borrowed by the boy, I had to run Mrs FE into work. (She needs to be kept busy and out of my way otherwise this blog would cease to exist).

That task over, and having stopped to buy a paper, I spent an hour or so relaxing with multiple cups of coffee, and a good peruse through my RSS reader.

Seeing as I was due to visit Torquemada my dentist, I decided that a shower was needed to wash the smell of tobacco from my puny torso. Just to stop, said dentist, from wrinkling up his nose and giving me the usual lecture.

I’d just finished my shower and was just drying myself, all the time admiring my manly torso in the mirror, I heard a vehicle attempting to find a space on my drive. It was logman. (I’d ordered a load of logs for my open fire. Bugger global warming). In an instance I hot dressingowned to the front door, hair in disarray, to be confronted with a rather frightened character. (If you’d seen me, so would you be).

Unfortunately he ended up having to unload the bag of logs next to the car, instead of beside the house. I didn’t think any thing of it at the time. Until.

On setting out for the dentist I found that I couldn’t get into the car. Bugger.

A frantic twenty minutes ensued of log moving and eventually I managed to finally climb into the Ferrari, (I’m downplaying my actual car, I wouldn’t want you to be jealous dear reader), and of to the dentist.

Do you want to know what happened there? probably not but I’ll tell you anyway.

Last time I went to Vlad the impaler my dentist cut open my gum to insert somethings of which seemed like plastic bottle tops. Today the stitches were to be taken out. needless to say. The PAIN.

Of course I manfully withstood this. What really made me cry is that I’m expected to pay £3577 in January for the experience.

Another downside to Christmas is that Mrs FE has ordered a vast amount of presents on line. therefore I have become a prisoner in my home waiting for the deliveries. However I’ve met a lot of new people, I would never have met.

That was today. What will tomorrow bring?

Christmas Lights

 

My house is the one on the right. I really am quite tight.

One has to love the Irish logic..... I do.....

You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....
The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease... Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: ...............
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information.But what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... And only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

The program was never aired...

Sorry Kiddies

Santa has had a slight accident.

Don’t forget the military wives.

I’ve been banished to the computer in the kitchen. Why you ask? My wife and the niece (Bless her curse her, she’s drinking all my rum), are watching the X Factor finale. I was deemed persona non grata for suggesting that it was puerile wannabee crap. Or words to that effect.

So in a mind for a bit of FE disobedience please buy this single for Christmas.

It’s only £1.99 at Amazon.

Go on, you’ll be doing your bit in supporting our armed forces. I count myself as lucky in conflicts I’ve been in. However I’ve  lost some dear friends to war. I will remember them. Without meaning to hector, you should as well.

What am I discussing here?

• Death due to accidental inhalation of DHMO, even in small quantities.
• Prolonged exposure to solid DHMO causes severe tissue damage.
• Excessive ingestion produces a number of unpleasant though not typically life-threatening side-effects.
• DHMO is a major component of acid rain.
• Gaseous DHMO can cause severe burns.
• Contributes to soil erosion.
• Leads to corrosion and oxidation of many metals.
• Contamination of electrical systems often causes short-circuits.
• Exposure decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.
• Found in biopsies of pre-cancerous tumors and lesions.
• Given to vicious dogs involved in recent deadly attacks.
• Often associated with killer cyclones in the U.S. Midwest and elsewhere, and in hurricanes including deadly storms in Florida, New Orleans and other areas of the southeastern U.S.
• Thermal variations in DHMO are a suspected contributor to the El Nino weather effect.

Bloody dangerous stuff, in my mind.

A hint

Answers on a post card by Email will be judged on their merit.

Naughty

You have been warned. Kiddywinks. Be good.