NOTES FROM THE EDGE OF LIFE

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns
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Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never have an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic
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Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic
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Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
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Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying...
Sincerely,
Google
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Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985
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Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP
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Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people
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Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies
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Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol
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Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012.
Our calendars ended there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
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Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans
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Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User
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Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up....
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore
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Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Practical example of how the human mind works

We will analyse what the below photo represents to some groups of people.

Read the review after the photo...

 

 

- For young men, it's a nice ass. Only the most observant will define this as an ass crossing the street. The really observant will see the thong.
- For older men, it is a respectable woman with a nice ass crossing the street.
- The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.
- The wise men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity.
- For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.
- The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse.
- The wise women imagine the misery that this will be at 50.
- Children, the curious, and monks will probably notice a dog driving the taxi..

Don't be alarmed, I didn't see the dog either.

What a Bufhuhne

I’m talking about our Energy Secretary here.

The proposed motorway speed limit increase to 80mph should only apply to electric vehicles, according to energy secretary Chris Huhne.

He certainly hasn’t done any research has he? To find the info below took me five minutes

Speed and Performance - electric cars can cover the full range of speed performance, from neighborhood electric vehicles that only get up to 25 mph to high perfomance cars like the Tesla Roadster which can reach 85-90 mph.  However, the average electric car available in the UK will comfortably reach 50-55 mph.  This is lower than even a small 1.1L petrol car although arguably in the city this more than adequate for the top speeds you will be legally allowed to do.

The cheapest Tesla you can buy is expected to sell for £40,000. And that would include the electric car grant.

So we’re not going to see many cars doing 80 mph on the motorways. And the ones that do will most likely be parked on the hard shoulder with flat batteries, due to the fact that charging points are few and  far between.

Nice one, Mr Huhne. Now go to the back of the class.

Thinking of going abroad for Christmas?

Well it might not be a good idea to fly.

An Icelandic volcano that could have a more devastating impact than the one that paralysed air traffic last year may erupt at any moment, experts have warned.

Seismologists are nervously watching rumblings beneath Katla, a volcano on the southern edge of the north Atlantic island nation, which could mean an eruption is imminent.

Katla is a much bigger volcano than nearby Eyjafjallajokul, the 2010 eruption of which cost airlines £1.27billion after ash grounded flights across Europe.

Some facts and figures.

The crater of the volcano has a diameter of 10 km and the volcano normally erupts every 40 - 80 years. The last eruption took place in 1918, meaning scientists monitor the volcano very carefully. Since 930, 16 eruptions have been documented. The Laki craters and the Eldgjá are part of the same volcanic system, so it can be regarded as one of the most powerful in the world.

Ooh er.

And you might find THIS useful if you have to fly

Oh, for crying out loud.

That’s if you’re a highly paid police officer.

A Met Police officer has been signed off sick with a 'broken heart' for four months after being dumped by a married colleague, it was claimed today.

The detective is believed to have been left devastated when her lover went back to his estranged wife.

Is a “Broken Heart” now become an illness?

If she wants time off, it should be unpaid leave. I received four days off when my father died. In that time I had to fly home, arrange the funeral, attend the funeral, and fly back.

The mother-of-one was apparently signed off on full pay with stress and failed to return to her £45,000-a-year job.

Ah I see.

This new disease called “stress” has afflicted her. I would say “grow a pair”, but obviously she is incapable.

It begs the question. Are our Police service fit for purpose?

if it was stress caused by investigating a truly gruesome murder, then maybe I could understand it.

But for FFS she was only having an affair with a married man!

My stress level has reached breaking point , so a large whisky is required.

Not tonight

I was going to try an attempt a serious post tonight. I’ll give you this instead.

 

 

A woman was proudly driving her 'pubic beetle' until the police arrested her after a series of accidents.

The court ruled that her car was creating a dangerous situation on the roads.

It was ruled that she had to paint-over her car's hood

 

 

 

 

 

 

You don't suppose the other drivers were driving along saying 'Twat the hell was that??'

It's a good thing she was picked up by the fuzz....
OK, enough with the cracks now!!

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL SITUATIONS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells....'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. .. ....  I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. .... . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one?'..  I asked. 'The patch' he replied...
'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .....
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-  Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . .. ' So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste'.  Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting  a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It  was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.  When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . .. ......' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry... had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,
                   

AND FINALLY!! ! .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ....... 1 MORE

Baby's First Doctor Visit

-A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam..
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.

We’re still doomed.

If you survive a previous post then you still won’t last past 2012. More warmist fear mongering I’m afraid.

Over 4.5 Billion people could die from Global Warming-related causes by 2012.

Now this article is dated 12th October 2011.

However digging back through the mists of time, this is just regurgitated from an article written in May 2010

 

And in turn look at the footer for the page.

So it comes back to an article in 2007.

Someone at the Canadian certainly has an Agenda, to keep the story going

You’re doomed I say, doomed.

Not me of course as I’m special. (Well I think so, and damn the rest of you).

There are only nine days left I’m told. From a reliable source.

Harold Camping, who announced the Rapture would occur Saturday, has had another revelation: The world will now end on October 21.

You remember that man. Apparently God hade a date shopping or something, and couldn’t be bothered to doom us.

Camping says God held off Saturday out of mercy: He did not want man to suffer for five months, but he was here on earth, spiritually.

Speaking on Family Radio, Camping said (via Daily Mail):

Last weekend became a very interesting weekend because May 21 came and has gone and all the dire predictions that have been talked about did not come to pass.

You heard it here first. Or maybe last…………………………………

Green Jobs explained

 

Or not.