The theatre

Went to the theatre yesterday. In London.

However it was the wrong day. It coincided with the gay Pride parade. Now your FE has seen some pretty outlandish sights in his life, but really.

Why disport yourself in a faux Kate Middleton wedding dress to board a train at Charing Cross? And what does it do for your sex life when you have twenty five lip piercings? That would be akin to trying to kiss the iron curtain.

This is why the whole gay, transsexual, bi gender, or whatever they  want to call the movement lets the side  down.

By parading  in such a ridiculous way they draw attention to how crass and self centred they are. They just set themselves up for ridicule as I witnessed on several occasions yesterday evening.

I’m sure if there was a heterosexual march through London next weekend, it would be perceived as an outrage akin to the holocaust by those of the Gay persuasion.

Why not live with a quiet dignity that the rest of us aspire to?

 

Just saying like.

British telecoms are best

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire,
have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50
years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright,
a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f***
all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already
gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!

LEARN A WORD A DAY: NECROPHILIA

A man was brought before the judge and charged with NECROPHILIA (making love to a dead person). 

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing.  Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons: j

1. It's none of your damn business;

2. She was my wife; and.....

3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"

SO LADIES TRY TO MOVE A LITTLE DURING THE GAME…..

GUYS, IF THERE IS NOT MUCH MOVEMENT, STOP IMMEDIATELY AND CHECK IF SHE IS ALIVE.

Essential Reading

With great deal of satisfaction and pride, I am pleased to inform you that the first volume of "Basic Introductory Manual to Understanding Women" is now available.

 

 

Cheques to be made payable to Filthy publications LTD.

How to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars See If They Slow Down.
2. On all your check stubs, write " For Marijuana."
3. Skip down the street Rather than Walk, and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6.   When The money comes out of the cash machine, Scream" I Won!   I Won!"
7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car park, Yelling "Run For Your Lives!  They're Loose!"
8. Tell Your Children over Dinner, "Due To the Economy, We are Going To Have To Let One of You Go." 
9. Pick up a box of condoms at the chemist, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

And finally

10. Keep following this Blogger.

Just saying

A customer service broadcast.

Onshore wind. Where is it?

The Department of Energy and Climate Change (DECC) has released figures which show a six per cent drop in the amount of electricity produced by Britain's onshore wind farms.

The department blames a drop in wind, revealing that 2010 was the calmest year this century, with onshore wind producing only 1.9 per cent of all electricity in 2010, compared with two per cent the year before.

Will they become in time to be known as “Huhne’s Follies”. When in 15 years or so, they are standing idle,  like dead Martian machines as depicted in The war of the Worlds, and our children will weep over the desecration of our once beautiful land.

Still, there will be enough of them to hang every green ecoloon from one each. They’ll have some use after all.

Am I being too harsh?

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.

You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.  What do you do?

BRITISH POLICE OFFICER'S Answer :

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed? Is he asian or black or a muslim? 
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 999?
If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when  he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? ..
If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home? Or prosecute me for racial abuse.

AUSTRALIAN OFFICER'S Answer:
    BANG!

AMERICAN OFFICER'S Answer:
    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'....
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?'

My God. My council has not boarded the Olympic Gravy train.

I’m shocked. Honesty in Government? Whatever next?

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to obtain information about how many tickets your organisation applied for and the total amount spent on tickets for the 2012 Olympics.

To outline my query as clearly as possible, I am requesting:

1. The total number of tickets your organisation applied for
2. The total amount paid for tickets (or amount outstanding if not yet paid)
3. Please break this information down by event

My preferred format to receive this information is electronically, but if that is not possible I will gladly accept letters at the address below.

I would be grateful if you would acknowledge receipt of this request as soon as possible.

Kind regards

Mr Filthy Engineer

Filthy Towers

Somewhere

And the replies:

Dear Mr Filthy Engineer

Thank you for your email regarding the 2012 Olympics.

I have forwarded your email to the Freedom of Information department, in order that they can respond to your enquiry.

For further information regarding this enquiry please contact the department directly, their contact details are:- freedomofinformation@kent.gov.uk.

Kind regards

Steve

Customer Service Advisor

Dear Mr Filthy Engineer

Thank you for your request for information.

I can confirm that Kent County Council has not applied for any London 2012 Olympic tickets so therefore there will be no cost to KCC.

Best regards

Laura Crawford

Access to Information Officer

Information Resilience & Transparency Team

Business Strategy & Support, Governance & Law

Kent County Council, Room B.48, Sessions House, County Road, Maidstone, ME14 1XQ. 

Telephone: 01622 694261, Internal: 7000 4261, Fax: 01622 696075

http://www.kent.gov.uk/your_council/contact_us/access_to_information.aspx

In a Vacuum.

Well I found it funny.

H/T to Theo Spark

Who do you root for?

On one hand we have three MP’s trying to have the smoking ban adjusted to make it more equitable for us Filthy Smokers.

Three MPs are joining forces with campaigners to call for the smoking ban in UK pubs and clubs to be relaxed.

Conservative Greg Knight, Lib Dem John Hemming and Labour's Roger Godsiff argue that the ban has had a devastating impact on the industry.

They want the law to be changed to allow pubs to create a separate room for smokers if they choose.

Thousands of UK pubs have closed in recent years and many have blamed the ban for the loss of business.

The smoking ban was introduced in England in July 2007. Scotland's ban was introduced in March 2006, followed by Wales and Northern Ireland in April 2007.

On the other hand do you support one of the Righteous anti-smokers who would like to probably have us  sent to jail? or at the very least fined?

 

Alderman Paul Bartlett (above four eyed cunt), who sits on Stony StratfordTown Council, is calling for a street smoking ban in an effort to stop litter¹ louts from throwing cigarette butts on to the streets of the historic town, and to ‘make the environment cleaner’.

Cllr Bartlett hopes to do this with a by-law, and will be lobbying the town council to support the creation of a law at its next meeting in July.

He said: “Why should people have the freedom to smoke in my face, pass on diseases² and spoil the environment?

“When you walk through the high street in any town smoke is in your face and harming you and any children³ there.

He really has read from the ASH handbook.

1 Firstly, litter. Most considerate smokers that I know use the bins provided.

²Secondly, he is accusing us of being diseased.

3Think of the Cheeldren. 

Didn’t he do well. (I’ll say it again. Rude word follows. Turn away now if you haven’t read the disclaimer at the top of the blog). CUNT.