I’m back. I think.

In the last post I intimated that I was travelling to the North to assist my son in moving home. Well that happened in the usual chaotic fashion that only moving house can entail. Your FE now wishes that he’d never let on, to his son, that FE was good at DIY. I’ve put up curtain tracks, towel rails, toilet roll holders, installed a washing machine, and repaired the boiler. And I’ve now driven 300 miles south to free the cats from their cattery prison camp. (Actually I think they preferred to be there, to tell you the truth. The scratches on my arm feel really sore) I’ll try and post something that you might be interest in in the next couple of  days, but soon I have to head back up north for a more important matter.

My son has to go into hospital as he’s just been diagnosed as having cancer of the Thyroid. This will entail removal of the thyroid gland in it’s entirety, followed by radiotherapy treatment using Iodine 1-131. Worrying times ahead. However to look on the bright side, his type of cancer of the Thyroid has a very high cure rate. 97% to quote the statistics.

What is most worrying is that apparently he’s liable to set of all the scanners at airports within three months of his treatment.

Bugger. We’re going on holiday in august.

Now before you all call me a heartless bugger, my son thinks as pragmatically as me.  We never give up or come over all weepy.

*Sob*

How to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars See If They Slow Down.

2. On all your check stubs, write " For Marijuana."

3. Skip down the street Rather than Walk, and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6.   When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream" I Won!   I Won!"

7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the the Car Park, Yelling "Run For Your Lives!  They're Loose!"

8. Tell Your Children over Dinner, "Due To the Economy, We are Going To Have To Let One of You Go."

AND THE FINAL WAY TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE CHEMIST, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Gone out

Blogging will light to non-existent for a while as I’m going to help my son to move house.

I must wash my mouth out with soap and water

I watched question time tonight.

In all of the debates whether it be international aid, children’s dress, or the conflict in Libya, Eight times  we were exhorted to think of the cheeeldren.

Not once were we supposed to think of the grownups.

Is this discrimination against you and me?

If any children are reading this blog, then bugger off and go and buy your own padded bras with your own money. Which of course you don’t have.

Think of the cheeeeldren. Lightly grilled would be to my taste.

Blackbinmail?

THE number of people paying hush money to their wheelie bins has increased by 60 percent in the last 12 months, it emerged last night.

We've all been there

With more councils installing artificially intelligent bins, people with something to hide say the cost of being blackmailed could force them to give up at least one of their sordid and disturbing obsessions.

Ian, a 32 year-old from Stevenage, said: "It started last September. I dropped a bag of rubbish into the bin and turned to walk away when I heard someone say the word 'pervert'.
"I looked up and down the street, but there was no-one there so I started to walk off, but then I heard the same voice again saying 'yeah, you... pervert'.
"I then realised it was coming from the direction of the bin. As I leaned in, the bin suddenly started chuckling and said 'I know what you've been up to, with your washing up gloves and your ketchup and your over-ripe melons'.
"It then explained that £50 a week should cover it and gave me its sort code and account number so I could set up a direct debit."
He added: "At first I was very resentful and would get up in the middle of the night, heave it into the back of my car and drive it to an old quarry or leave it in the middle of a field, but it always managed to find its way home by morning. And of course when you try and pull that sort of shit with a corrupt wheelie bin, it's only going to cost you more money."
He added: "Eventually you just have to accept the situation and factor it in to the overall cost of your shameful but irresistible perversions."

The Local Government Association insists most wheelie bins are not programmed for blackmail and will usually recommend counselling, medication or a hefty dose of church.

Meanwhile Britain's serial killers have launched a petition demanding stupider bins unable to piece together the eclectic mix of clues contained in the refuse bag of a typical maniac. Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster, said: "Most weeks I'll throw away 28 Alphabetti Spaghetti tins, a dozen empty bleach bottles, three bags of feet and a copy of the Daily Mail which I've covered in yellow highlighter and exclamation marks.
"I know I should probably stop reading it. But I can't."

Climate sceptic, Me?

I am a sceptic of Anthropogenic Global warming, Human made climate change, and all the rest of the crap the Greenie leftists throw at us. I was pointed to a site some months ago that is populated by the usual frothing at the mouth, rabid Gaia worshipers . President, George Monbiot. Honorary Vice president, Caroline Lucas (Spit). The site is grandly titled “Campaign against Climate Change” (CCC), (spits again).

To cut along story short I subscribed to their mailing list. It really is pitiful. It doesn’t ever mention this blog. It hurts me deeply. After all I even E mailed them with links to here and here.

It would seem that they are going to have rallies in July all to be of a “submergence” theme. (That’s their title. I didn’t make it up).

More amusing though, is a photo-op involving people standing semi-submerged in water – holding a banner saying “Zero Carbon Britain before we drown”. One of the venues is “Here in London we are hoping to do this at an appropriate place in the River Thames. “

Well they wouldn’t be able to do that at high tide otherwise they’d drown(Mmmm), so they’ll have to do that at low tide. Have you seen the Thames at low tide? Well I assure you, dear readers, that they’d better come prepared with industrial strength washing materials, as they will be wallowing up to their waists in a sea of mud.

ZERO  CARBON

BEACH PARTY

       Saturday 16th July

         is Zero Carbon Brain Day, a day
                to promote the goal of a
          'Zero Carbon Britain' by 2030

              When:  7.30 pm to  midnight
              Where: on the Thames, Central London

I think I might just nip up to thee big smoke that day with my camera.

P.S. They have a forum at their site. Last post was 26 weeks ago.

Latest News Stories

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

Police stop a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?". The driver leans into the back and says "hear that - 3 of you have got to get out".

4 Illegal immigrants suffocated in the back of a Tesco lorry last night. Every little helps.

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. "Bollocks to that", said Paddy, "That's the last time I go lion dancing"

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain.

The movie they don’t want shown

That’s My WiFi done for then

An extraordinary solar flare - the biggest seen in five years - could interfere with satellite communications and power grids on Earth over the next couple of days, experts have warned.

The effects of the storm are predicted to be moderate and could be felt from around 6pm tonight, lasting for 12 - 24 hours.

 

Just another public service broadcast.

The Demon drink

Many have found themselves stumbling home late at night, a little worse for wear and unable to hail a taxi. Well the man in this little little video takes the Biscuit.

See the evils of the demon drink demonstrated above. Now in the interests of the “Big Society” (Or some such rot), stop, and stop NOW. You have been warned. I haven’t had a drink since……….Let me think? I remember now. Last night.

A public service broadcast delivered to you free from The Government Department of Filthy Engineers.

*And before you shout at me. No. I don’t read the Sun*