The Royal Fleet Auxiliary

Thought that might get your interest. I'm going to do a few posts on this outfit in the near future.

But not tonight.

RFA

We are guilty. Burglars welcome.

So according to the Home Office we are the guilty ones.

The public is warned not to leave themselves open to thieves and burglars in a new advertising campaign today.

Around one-third of burglaries are carried out when windows and doors have been left open.

The Home Office campaign also highlights the danger of personal theft when mobile phones and other items are on show.

Can I buy a gun Please?

SatNav, weapon of mass destruction.

I really believe there are fuckwits out in the wild, that are just trying to find more funding or plainly love banning things.

Fears that sat-nav devices may pose a risk to motorists follow research which showed that 78 per cent of crashes were caused by driver inattention.

Now psychologists at Lancaster University and Royal Holloway, University of London are to examine what they described as the "potentially dangerous effects of 'SAT NAV' in-car navigation systems."

Absolute Bollocks. I find using a satnav helps me concentrate on my driving, rather than having to look through the over abundance of distracting road signs, that have sprung up in recent years.

Sat-nav systems have also been held responsible for drivers suddenly swerving or turning.

I suppose the wife map reading and telling me that I have missed the turn would be better.

I just miss the turning and the Satnav re-routes me. The wife would be screaming at me to do a U turn.

Oh, and of course as I stated, we will be paying for the research.

All is quiet

My wine lake is nearly empty. I've been drunk out of house and home.

I expect that, that fake charity, Alcahol concern, to be hammering on my door tommorrow. Bollocks to them.

Not only that, I'm not sure the car will make it under the weight of empties, to the bottle bank.

Bah Bloody Humbug

Mr FE has now been forced out into the Kitchen as he refuses to watch the Christmas edition of Eastenders. God, I hate children. Please take them away. Santa has a lot to answer for. Can I lump him in with politicians and string him up with piano wire as well?

The Morgan spiced rum takes the pain away.

Ah, Christmas.

All is well in FE's household. Apart from the favourite niece having to be cooked a medicinal bacon and egg sarnie this morning to cure her hangover, all has gone well. Lunch has been consumed with copious quantities of alcohol, presents exchanged, and now everyone is dozing off whilst watching a typical xmas movie.

FE is imbibing a very fine Calvados and is feeling very mellow at the moment.

Merry Christmas to one and all.

And finally. A song that says it all

My favourite carol.



H/T to Subrosa

A merry Christmas to one and all

This Blogger wishes you all a very Merry Christmas. Normal service will be resumed when the festivities are over and I have sobered up enough to use a keyboard. *Hic*.

And a bit of rude humour.

Do you believe in Santa?

My kids do. They'll all be in the bosom of the family on Christmas day. Of course they all expect a Christmas stocking.

I think this has to stop. The eldest is 29, second daughter is 27, and the son is 22.

Do you think it is time they stopped believing?

My fantastic year

Dear Friends

Just before the end of the year I wanted to thank you for the emails you have forwarded over the year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I can no longer buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

I can't even pick up the £5 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will crap on your head at 5:00pm tomorrow afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Take Care and have a very Happy Christmas and New Year.