Oh what NOW!

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Socially Unacceptable Humour.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I returned to the charity shop to get all of her clothes back.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and
talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a
wheel chair."

At the Senior Citizens Centre they had a contest the other day. I lost
by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa ! Who knew?

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing
commonly found in cells. It appears that Blacks is not the correct
answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping centre, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new
bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they
drive slowly past schools.

A friend of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his
girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He
said, "Her brother's got a moustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on
Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing
I know, 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in
my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn,
you sick bastard."

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we would love to, but our
garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Truism about banks and pens

Monday, 7 January 2013

Hits the nail on the head.

This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return. The HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question Do you have anyone dependant on you?

The man wrote:- "2.1 million illegal immigrants and counting, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 90,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 649 self serving lying ponces in our Parliament and the entire European Commission".

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was "Who did I miss out?".

Saturday, 5 January 2013

When A Male Bird Can't Stand It Anymore

I know how he feels.

Thursday, 3 January 2013

I’m a champion. Apparently.

I received this heap of garbage in my E Mail this morning.

Dear Drink Wise online subscriber, (Ed: Never in a million years would I think of such a thing.)

2013 is set to be an important year setting the direction of alcohol policy nationally for many years to come.

As one of Drink Wise’s online subscribers and Alcohol Champions* we would like to hear some of your views through this very short online survey (no more than 2 minutes long!).

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/YSR3Y7H

We look forward to your response.

The Drink Wise Team

Drink Wise
4th Floor, Dale House, 35 Dale Street, Manchester M1 2HF
T: 0161 233 7512
www.drinkwisenorthwest.org

Well I gave them my response to their short questionnaire. They really shouldn’t include a box marked “Other”. Here’s the first page of the survey.

Which aspects of alcohol policy interest you? (you can tick as many answers that apply)

Tackling underage alcohol sales

Preventing underage binge drinking
Stopping alcohol advertising before 9pm on TV
Stopping alcohol advertising in cinemas to under-18's
Curbing the low prices of alcohol in supermarkets
Support the introduction of a minimum unit price for alcohol
Support setting a 50 pence minimum unit price level for alcohol
Reducing the opening hours of licensed premises
Reducing the number of licensed premises
Other (please specify) Go on. Go mad (I did). You know it makes sense to prod these Nu puritans.

I’m off two top my glass up with at least half of my so called ration of units.

* First I’ve heard of it.

I don’t think that you should do that.

A Darwin award in the making?

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Billy No Mates

So the Anti smokers thought they would be able to populate pubs full of non smokers?

Didn’t see that coming did they?

Mind you where I live we all buy our drink from the Supermarket (Cos it’s cheaper) and drink in each other’s homes in comfort, enjoying each other’s company.