The things facebook won’t tell uou

 

Fifty Shades of Grey (hair)

More poetry for you to muse on.

My missus bought a paperback

In Asda…… Saturday,

I had a look inside the bag

T’was "Fifty Shades of Grey"

Well I just left her to it, see,

And went off up to bed

An hour later, she appeared

Oh the sight filled me with dread!

In her hand she held a rope

The other, held a whip!

She brandished them around a bit

And then began to strip….

Well forty years or so, ago,

I might have had a peek

But Doris hasn’t weathered well

She’s sixty-eight next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind

Couldn’t be much grimmer…

And things progressed from bad to worse

She toppled off her Zimmer !

She struggled back up to her feet,

A good half hour later,

Put her teeth back in and said

That I must dominate her !!!

Now if you knew our Doris, see,

You’d know just why I cringed.

I’d been two months in traction, cos

My hips and knees unhinged.

She stood there nude. All naked, like,

Bent forward quite a bit…. and

Jumping back in fright I went

And stood on her left tit.

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,

My word. What HAD I done ?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out

"Step on the OTHER one !!!"

Well reader, I can tell no more

About what occurred that day.

Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey.

Black and blue, battered too,

With wanton, wild perversion,

We decided that a night of sin

Was scarce worth such exertion

Thank Heavens she has binned the book

And peace reigns, like before.

She’s head to toe in winceyette

And back to back, we snore………...

The Plane Truth...

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

 
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet", or defect report, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. (It nearly did have one after an engine failed and disabled the fly by wire computer system a year or so ago).

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny...........
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last ..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Funny that?

A few weeks ago during the ministerial reshuffle, the slant at DECC moved from a warmist position to a more sceptical one.

Could it be that the government had been warned of this report from the MET office quietly published this week? Global warming stopped 16 years ago, reveals Met Office report quietly released... and here is the chart to prove it

• The figures reveal that from the beginning of 1997 until August 2012 there was no discernible rise in aggregate global temperatures
• This means that the ‘pause’ in global warming has now lasted for about the same time as the previous period when temperatures rose, 1980 to 1996

Read the whole article. It’s quite damning.

Ps. I nipped over to the warmist Blog Desmogblog to try to warn them of this heresy. Surprise Surprise. Their Email registers a fault when I try to send them the link to the article in question.

Headless and chickens comes to mind.

Poetry in motion (sort of).

I have a little Sat-Nav
It sits there in my car
A Sat-Nav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Sat-Nav
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Sat-Nav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the fuckin’ thing off.

Tele sales.

Today I went to the pub with Mrs FE to meet my daughter, her husband, and my grandson, for lunch.

Between courses I was trudging around outside pushing my teething grandson’s buggy around the car park when my mobile rang.

It was from my service provider. At first I groaned inwardly that maybe the message hasn’t been passed, that I’ve already had at least ten of their staff informing me that I’m due a new handset. Luckily that was not the case. That message seems to have got through to them at last.

No, this nice gentleman was trying to gain control of my other means of communication. My landline.

The spiel began.

Firstly he started of with how I could save money on the call charges (free minutes, free weekend calls, etc), anyway after this babbling from his prepared speech,  he actually asked how much I spend per month on calls in the UK. He was quite thrown off his quest when I told him that it was usually less than £1. He was silent for a while. he did recover with how I could have free world wide cheap calls. Again he was at a loss when I replied “Why should I need that service when I don’t know anyone abroad”. (I was nearly feeling sorry for him at this time). *Snigger*

Secondly he went down the internet route. If I changed to them I would be supplied with a top of the range router for free. I responded with the reply that I’ve already got a router, thank you very much. (Desperation on his part set in). “Our Router Mr FE is state of the art and is worth £800”. (Now I’m a member of Which?, and I know that my router is nearly top of the list and the one he quoted is near the bottom). He was starting to lose it, when I suggested , could I have the router without the solid gold case then? It all started to fall apart further when he stated his staggering low cost of line rental and other charges.

Throughout this call I’d been totting up the cost of his package, and being someone who in this day can actually do mental arithmetic, I had to have a quiet smile.

His day finally fell apart when I informed him that he was actually trying to sell me a package that was £2 MORE EXPENSIVE than I had at present. Hah.

So Orange, If you have a rep that has been found hanging from a rafter with a note saying TFE made me do it.

Don’t ring me when I’m in the pub.

(It didn’t help him when I kept migrating my handset close to my screaming grandson).

WHO IS THE ODD MAN OUT - and more importantly - WHY??

 

Lord Stevenson: FORMER chairman, HBOS

Sir Fred Goodwin: FORMER chief executive, RBS

Andy Hornby: FORMER chief executive, HBOS

Sir Tom McKillop: FORMER chairman, RBS

John McFall MP: FORMER chairman of Treasury Select Committee

Alastair Darling: FORMER Chancellor of the Exchequer

Gordon Brown: FORMER Prime Minister and former Chancellor of the Exchequer

Sir Terry Wogan: FORMER presenter of Radio 2's Breakfast Show

IF you're thinking

Sir Terry Wogan,
THEN you're right.
However, the reason may surprise you...

 

Terry Wogan is the only one out of this motley crew who actually holds ANY formal banking qualification.
Worrying, isn't it! ---------------------------------------

MY ANSWERING MACHINE

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep. Beeeeeppp ...

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner or taking us to the theatre, start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

Think of the Children.

Just had to.

Going to war on a shoe string.

The date is 2003 and yours truly was off to Iraq. My vessel of choice (Actually no choice) was the RFA Argus.

The Argus was a containership that was bought and converted to carry out two roles. The primary role was to perform as a helicopter training ship, to enable pilots to practise all sorts of evolutions before deploying to various naval vessels.

The secondary role was to undertake the job of Primary casualty receiving ship. Number one hanger had been converted into a state of the art, hundred bed hospital.

In their wisdom the PTB had neglected or ill thought out a number of items of immense interest to me. After all, avoiding premature death is in my own interest.

The vessel was supposed to be able to survive a chemical attack. As the assistant NBCDO (Nuclear, Biological, Chemical warfare, and Damage control Officer), it was my responsibility to rectify any defects.

One primary defence against NBC is to pressurise the inside of the ship by drawing in filtered air and closing all doors and ports (Windows).

There was only one slight problem with this. This converted merchant ship had hundreds of opening ports and doors. After days and days of sealing openings with gaffer tape and tins of expanding foam my staff(Two), plus a bored surgeon Captain, finally managed to achieve pressurisation.

The second defence is to pre-wet the ship. This is done by having pop up nozzles supplied from the ship’s High pressure salt water main, to spray the ship’s outside to wash off any contaminants. This was operated by zonal air operated master valves controlled from the NBCD control room. Solved. After crawling around trying to trace the pneumatic piping for leaks, I finally traced the fault. The master pneumatic supply pipe had never actually been connected to a source of compressed air. A bodge up comprising rubber hose and fittings, sorted out another cockup.

Another item of concern was the emergency generator fitted to supply the hospital. One of our ships that was being disposed off was the source of the generator. The problem that reared it’s ugly head was it’s generating capacity was too great. The hospital’s max capacity being 200 kw and the generator’s max being 1.2 Mw. Resulting in an oil change after a week’s running at light load. Now, if it was me under the knife on the operating table, I wouldn’t want the surgeons to be in darkness for four hours. Fix, a temporary load bank was wired in to the circuit. Good one you say. Nope. This was a piece of kit bolted onto the deck, just forward of the funnel, designed to use kilowatts and turn them into heat.  Every heat seeking missile in the world would have thought Christmas had come early.

As I noted before, the hospital complex was most certainly state of the art with two operating theatres, sterilisers, and oxygen. Whoah. Where does the oxygen come from? Well. some bright spark had an oxygen making plant situated, complete with storage bottles, directly above the hospital, just under the flight deck. Just imagine a bomb hitting that!

And finally (And I’m sure you’ll be pleased about that).

You remember those pneumatically operated pre-wet valves. The control valves were mounted in NBCD HQ. When the appropriate pre-wet valve was in the correct position, the control valve would vent into NBCD HQ. Of course the design fault here was that the air was from an unfiltered compressor situated in the main machinery space. A quick fix, which Apollo 13 would by proud, involved more duct tape and a plethora of S10 respirator canisters.

The Moral of the story is:

How the fuck did this pass muster for ten years or so, seeing that there is a supposedly fool proof computerised programme to do away with this negligence?