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Sunday, 25 March 2012

CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARD BEFORE YOU DIE ....... JUST PRICELESS

 

Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle U.K. recently:

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!

And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past September, and the bank billed her in October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then in December added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the **** Bank:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that my grandma died in  September.'

Bank: 'But the account was never closed and so the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to your collections  section.'

Bank: Since it is two months over due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Bank: 'Either report her account to the Frauds Department or report her to The Credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Bank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part  about her being dead?'

Bank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in September.'

Bank: 'But the account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Bank: (Stammer) 'Are you her solicitor?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her grandson'

Bank: 'Could you fax us a  death certificate?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' ( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Bank: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I  can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her.  I don't think she will care.'

Bank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

Family Member: Would you like her new billing address?'

Bank: 'That would help.'

Family Member: ' Plot 1049.' Heaton Cemetary, Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne

Bank: 'But, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the f***   do you do, with dead people on your planet?'

Saturday, 24 March 2012

He’s got talent

Now I don’t watch much on the telebox but my god, he’s  got an outstanding voice. And he’s only seventeen. Mrs FE dragged me in to listen. I’m glad I did.

Bloody hell

A budding Pavarotti in the making.

Beware the killer clocks.

clock

You’re going to die on Monday or Tuesday. If you thought smoking, drinking, obesity, salt, sugar, cars, shipwrecks, asteroids falling on you, were bad. Then think again.

Experts say the move is linked with a ten per cent leap in the risk of having a heart attack come Monday or Tuesday morning.

And what is this grave threat you ask?

I tell you. Don’t FFS put your clocks forward tonight.

“The Monday and Tuesday after moving the clocks ahead one hour in March is associated with a ten percent increase in the risk of having a heart attack," he confirms. "The opposite is true when falling back in October. This risk decreases by about ten percent."

Although clocks move back on a Sunday morning – this year on 25 March – the rate of heart attacks doesn’t peak then because most people have a lie-in and it “doesn’t require an abrupt schedule change”.

But on Monday and Tuesday, when people tend rise earlier to go to work, heart attack risk peaks.

It would seem that you can get funding for anything today.

Friday, 23 March 2012

It’s nice to be ahead

Of my local rag.

turbine on fire

It seems that they’ve only now cottoned on to the fact that the praised wind turbines Bird Mincers, are failing off the coast of Kent.

WIND turbines whirring off the Whitstable coast are getting wobbly and need welding work, operator Vattenfall has admitted.

The news was leaked after a closed-doors meeting between the Kentish Flats operator and Whitstable Harbour Board.

I wrote about this a year ago.

It’s a good thing that it’s not costing the taxpayer though.

Workers will need to ship 180 large steel brackets from the harbour out to the turbines to shore them up – with six of the metre-tall steel plates being welded to the base of each machine.

But the company insists there is no risk to man nor beast – and added that the Vestas-made turbines are being repaired for free as they are still in their warranty period.

And this is not the first failure. Oh Noes.

The gearboxes on all the turbines were replaced in 2008 after a design fault was discovered.

The question is.will they live up to expectations.

The £105 million wind farm, which went online in September 2005, is designed to operate for 20 years.

That’s two major faults in the first third of their operating life. What could happen in the next third? Scour?

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Health Information

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that
you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many
people as you feel may benefit!

Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz ..............

H/T to Theo

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

COMPUTER UPGRADES for 2012

A public service broadcast courtesy of TFE.

oh shit

002

003

004

006

007

008

010

If you require help for the digital switchover…………..

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Unpaid law enforcement

This bar owner in Kansas apart from bemoaning the potential loss of her livelyhood, argues that she shouldn’t have to be an unpaid law enforcer.

The Kansas smoking ban has been signed into law by Governor Mark Parkinson but small business owners aren't quitting. Sheila Martin, owner of the Top Hat tavern in Hutchinson, Kansas, speaks out about the harm a smoking ban is causing and who's behind the ban.

If it wasn’t for the American accent, this could be the UK.

Monday, 19 March 2012

I think I’m now officially a troll

I went over to Desmogblog on Friday (I couldn’t resist the challenge. It’s like being hooked on heroin) and posted a comment on their latest self congratulatory drivel about so-called ethical oil.

Now I really shouldn’t do it, but I couldn’t help posting the following in their comments section. Now I didn’t write this, It’s just copied The link is at the bottom of this post. (I wish I had done a construction that blows apart the green energy principles so well), but I felt that this was something that they should read, and hopefully ponder. Mind you to the mind-set of those who inhabit desmogblog, I should be condemned to the ninth circle of hell. I expect a foam flecked, incoherent reply shortly.

My skin is thick.

Here is my comment:

Does Green thinking need a red light?

Green thinking - more harm than good?

When the climate took a turn for the worse during the so-called Younger Dryas period some 12,000 years ago, our ancestors didn’t don a hair shirt and hope for the best. They innovated. A sharp return to ice age like conditions helped precipitate the development of agriculture in the Levant, a hugely successful innovation that soon diffused to other settled regions. So if contemporary climate change is to be taken as seriously as many Greens urge, our response should also be innovation driven. Why then does much of our current Green thinking focus on environmentally and socially regressive ideas?

While the development of agriculture during the Neolithic revolution was to change the world for the better, the real awakening from millennia of Malthusian stagnation was the industrial revolution. Whether through the far-reaching ideas of the Scottish enlightenment or the innovations of James Watt, it was realised that the future could be radically different from the past.

For example, in the late 19th century the growing use of steam power enabled energy and labour costs to decouple for the first time in human history. Energy became cheap while prosperity soared, not through crass consumerism, but through badly needed economic growth that provided an escape from agrarian poverty. It is the surplus from that innovation driven growth that now enables the provision of public services such as health and education. Nurses nurse and teachers teach only because someone else is providing their Joules, Calories and other material needs.

While innovation has undeniably delivered immense improvements in the human condition, innovation is also the principal route through which human needs can gradually be decoupled from the environment. Starting in the Elizabethan era, coal from the ground slowly began to replace wood from the land as the primary source of energy, a transition that only peaked in the early 20th century. In the late 19th century oil from the ground replaced oil from whales as the primary source of energy for domestic lighting. Coal eventually helped depleted woodland to re-grow, while the oil industry arguably saved the whale.

These slow historical energy transitions were away from diffuse energy sources such as wood and towards fuels of greater energy density, such as coal and much later oil and methane (gas). As noted by Jesse Ausubel at The Rockefeller University, each new fuel contains less carbon and more energy per unit weight, leading to a centuries long decarbonisation of energy production. The latest large-scale energy innovation, nuclear, is of course essentially carbon free. We should remember that these energy transitions did not take place because of concern for the environment, but because lower carbon fuels are more energy dense and so are simply better.

Overall, carbon emissions have of course been growing, a sign that global energy use has risen sharply since the industrial revolution. Growing energy use has been both liberating and civilising. We have used this growth to replace carbohydrate fuelled human labour with hydrocarbon-fuelled machines. But for carbon emissions to peak and then decline, we will need to accelerate our long historical journey towards fuels of greater energy density. Our energy mix therefore needs to transition away from coal, and ultimately oil, and towards methane, uranium and later thorium.

The alternative path offered by mainstream Green thinking is the ‘renewables revolution’. But what's being offered is not a revolution, it is a regression to a past of diffuse energy with arguably greater environmental impact. For a movement concerned with efficient resource use, it is remarkable that Greens ignore energy density and the fact that, per unit of energy produced, diffuse and intermittent renewable energy therefore requires vastly more steel, concrete and land than compact gas turbines or nuclear reactors.

And while Greens rightly abhor corporate greed, they seem content to see the pockets of consumers dipped by corporate energy interests to pay for cripplingly expensive offshore wind, or see a regressive transfer of wealth through feed-in tariffs from the energy poor to suburban property owners with the capital to pay for domestic solar energy. Viewed in this light, it’s hard to argue that inefficient and expensive renewable energy is somehow more ethical than compact and efficient thermal energy.

Such is the influence of mainstream Green thinking however that it is now doing real harm. In Germany, Die Grünen manoeuvred Angela Merkel into a nuclear shutdown that will close the single largest source of carbon-free energy in Europe’s largest economy. In France, the Greens have the Socialists over a barrel in the run up to spring elections, extracting a promise to close nuclear plants and ramp up renewables in exchange for votes. The prospect of Greens forcing the closure of yet more carbon-free nuclear plants is truly absurd.

Similar damage also risks being done through blind opposition to shale gas. Through innovations in drilling technology methane can now be extracted from deep shale bedrock. Shale gas production has grown sharply in the US, with this new energy innovation set to diffuse to other regions including the UK. Arguments that renewable energy is required anyway since hydrocarbons are running out look increasingly suspect.

Wonderfully, methane can be burned in compact, ultra-efficient combined cycle gas turbines producing electrical energy with less than half the carbon emissions of coal. The use of methane and nuclear as a replacement for coal, and even eventually oil, follows the long historical trend of decarbonisation through increasing energy density. But horrified at the prospect of many decades worth of low cost, relatively clean energy, Greens have called for an immediate ban on shale gas and insist on a future based almost entirely on diffuse and inefficient renewable energy.

In addition to ignoring energy density, Green thinking often confuses energy efficiency with demand reduction. For example, the replacement of whale oil lamps with kerosene, and their subsequent replacement with electric filaments and now solid-state lighting has delivered huge gains in energy efficiency. These gains enabled a mass democratisation of the use of artificial lighting as costs plummeted and so utilisation soared.

Efficiency is therefore a natural consequence of innovation and leads to a socially progressive growth in consumption of an energy service until demand is saturated, only after which can energy consumption fall. However, while ultra-efficient lighting may take a modest slice out of developed nations energy use, it will be more than compensated for by a badly needed growth in the utilisation of artificial lighting in developing nations as efficiency grows and costs fall.

In contrast, demand reduction is a socially regressive tool, an artificial increase in the price of energy to suppress consumption, the burden of which falls on the energy poor. It is often hard to avoid the conclusion that Greens advocate expensive renewable energy specifically to ensure demand reduction and a future of energy austerity.

The real lack of innovation in Green thinking though can best be seen in arguments against nuclear energy.  For example, a long-standing grumble is that it leaves future generations with a stock of nuclear waste to deal with. Nuclear energy does indeed present an intergenerational transfer, but it’s an overwhelmingly positive one. By constructing compact, nuclear plants with a design life of 60 years we can leave future generations the ability to generate abundant clean, reliable low cost energy towards the end of the century. This compares to renewables which typically have a design life of only 25 years. Growth of nuclear output can accumulate, while renewables will saturate as we begin to re-build existing capacity in less than a generation.

But while Greens only see nuclear waste, innovators see spent fuel, still with copious quantities of energy that needs to be released in so-called fast spectrum reactors rather than buried. Further ahead, thorium offers the prospect of clean energy production into the distant future. Whether nuclear or methane, there is no shortage of clean, high-grade energy to deliver a future of shared prosperity, but only if we have the will and ambition to exploit it. We will need this energy to liberate the poor in the developing world, power rapidly growing global cities and efficiently recycle strategic materials in ways undreamt of at present.

In contrast, Green claims that renewable energy creates more jobs per unit of energy produced than nuclear energy are again regressive. The entire point of economic development is productivity, doing more with less. So if we can generate clean, reliable energy from compact nuclear plants, requiring fewer people than renewables then labour is freed to doing something more useful, such as creating real prosperity and providing public services. Using such regressive Green economics we could in principle create plentiful employment by banning the use of tractors on farms, which is one vision of the future of agriculture in re-localised Green economies.

On agriculture, Green opposition to innovation in GM technology is also telling. While that opposition is often seen as precautionary, the precautionary principle cuts both ways. Mainstream Green thinking now runs the real risk of holding back innovation that can both improve crop resilience in the developing world and deliver increased food production without annexing more land from nature.

Again, Greens insist that innovation is actively suppressed. And if the contention is agri-business corporate antics, why have Greens ripped up field trials of publically funded research that could provide GM technology to the poor patent-free? Let’s also remember that it was through the development of agriculture, and entirely artificial means of organising nature, that our ancestors innovated their way out of climate change in the Younger Dryas period and prospered, rather than merely prevailed.

The greatest danger to humanity is not climate change, nuclear energy or the other calamites that form the cataclysmic imagery of mainstream Green thinking. It is a paralysis of inaction due to risk aversion, coupled with a wider technological pessimism that has robbed us of a coherent vision of a better future. For all these criticisms, Green thinking does of course have a key role in providing the essential checks and balances of a pluralistic society. But its deeper hues ultimately risk being marginalised as conservative, limit-setting views which are increasingly both socially, and environmentally regressive.

First published Caledonian Mercury 22 February 2012

Trolling- an artform.

UPDATE:

The lazy buggers over there don’t work on weekends so it lasted till today. Of course now it has been deleted. At least it might have made some of those not so fanatical to the green “cause”, to at least have a think about what they’re worshipping. I really won’t go there again. Honest.

*fingers crossed behind back*

Sunday, 18 March 2012

That Russion election

Just amusing myself on a Sunday evening.

Saturday, 17 March 2012

Out of the mouths of babes

 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples..'