How Big?

Just in case you need to know

Click on map to open in Browser.

H/T to terrence for sending me the link.

Worry

A worrying thought for 2012.......
    10 years ago Bob Hope died
            5 years ago Johnny Cash died
                    A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died
                            A few weeks ago Jimmy Saville died
Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It
Let's hope nothing happens to Ed Balls.

Am I paranoid?

As we have progressed through the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your educational comments over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the comment about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason."And I do recommend that you do that".
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling film in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .

Also I get this. “If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump”. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY and have a HAPPY NEW YEAR

I’ve now branched out into cruise liners

 

FE   C r u i s e    L i n e s

Now Accepting Reservations! Additional cruise information available below.

Rates and Availability

Ship Name           Starting Price     Days     Availability

Sun Splendor         $5,200.00               5          Fully Booked

Grand Voyage        $6,150.00              7          Reservations Available

Horizons IV             $7,091.00              10        Reservations Available

Horizons III              $5,200.00             7           Fully Booked

FE Cruise Lines is excited to offer the ultimate adventure cruise, along the pirate-infested coast of Somalia .

We board our luxury cruise ships in Djibouti on the Gulf of Aden near the entrance to the Red Sea, and disembark in Mombasa Kenya , seven adrenaline-charged days later.

Reservations start at only $5,200 per-person (double occupancy, inside room) and $6,900 (veranda complete with bench rest).

You'll relax like never before !

That's because you are welcome to bring your own arsenal with you. If you don't have your own weapons, you can rent them from our onboard Master Gunsmith. Enjoy reloading parties every afternoon, with skeet and marksmanship competitions every night ! But the best fun of all, of course, is...

The object of our cruise is to sail up and down the Somali Coast waiting to get hijacked by pirates !

Weapons rentals:

Weapon Selection                             

                             

$12.00   
Per Day      On a budget ? Rent a full-auto scope-mounted AK-47 for only $9/day with 7.62 ball ammo at $12 per 100 rounds:

$25.00
Per Day     Rent a full auto M-16 for only $25/day with ammo attractively priced at $16 per 100 rounds of 5.56 armour-piercing:

$59.00
Per Day     Hello! Nothing gets  a pirate's attention like a Barrett M-107 50-cal sniper rifle; only $59/day with 25 rounds of armour-piercing ammo affordably priced at only $29.95.

$175.00
Per Day     Want to make a real impact ? Rent an RPG for only $175/day with three fragmentation rounds  included !  A true favourite among pirates. Rent one today and show you care !

Customer Testimonials

"Six attacks in 4 days were more than I expected.

I bagged three pirates, My wife nailed two,
and my 12-year old Grandson sank two boats

with the mini-gun.

This wonderful cruise was fun for the whole family"

-- Fred D., Cincinnati , OH

"Pirates 0, Passengers 32 !

Well worth the trip! Can't recommend it highly enough !"

-- Ben L.,  Bethesda , MD

 

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
Twin mounted mini-guns are available for rental
at only $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire !

 

Additional Cruise Line Services

Need a spotter ?  Our professional crew members can double as spotters for only $30/hour. (spotting scope included, but gratuities are not)

Also included:  Free complimentary night vision equipment - and throughout the night.

Coffee, pastries and snacks are always available on the Main deck from 7pm until 6am .

Our deluxe package comes complete with gourmet meals and all rooms offer a mini-bar

OUR SATISFACTION GUARANTEE !

We guarantee you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or you'll receive an instant $1,000 refund upon arrival in Mombasa .
How can we make that guarantee ? We operate at 5 knots just beyond 12 nautical miles off the coast of Somalia, thus in international waters where pirates have no rights whatever. In fact, we make three passes through the area's most treacherous waters to ensure maximum visibility  by Somali mother ships. We repeat this for five days, making three complete passes past the entire Somali Coast. At night, the boat is fully lit and bottle buckets are shot every five minutes, with loud disco music directionally beamed shore side to attract maximum attention.

ACT NOW!

Cabin space is limited so you need to respond quickly. Reserve your package Before 30th January and get a great bonus -100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the calibre of your choice ! So sign up for The Ultimate Somali Coast Adventure Cruise now !

BUT THERE'S EVEN MORE !

 

Reserve now and be automatically entered to win a 5 minute time slot on the Captain's own Twin Browning 50 Calibre M2HB installation !

"I haven't had this much fun since Flying choppers in 'Nam ."

Don't worry about getting shot by pirates... they never even got close to the ship.  With the crap they shoot and their lousy aim...

"Come on board and bag your own clutch of genuine Somali pirates !"

We’re not doomed this year

Here’s why.

Public service. Pah!

Last year Mrs FE contacted the Department of Work and Pensions as she was nearing the magic age of 60 (Sssshh. don’t let on that I told you this). She was duly issued with an ID number and a password to enable her to track her entitlements on line. All well and good. She managed to access her details and never thought anymore about it, till this week.

Mrs FE, now having passed 60 (Ssssshh, I tell you. Whisper), tried on Monday to log on to the website. Absolutely no luck.

Mrs FE decides that she would phone and find out why her access was refused. When she finally got through the exasperating menu system beloved by all these days (I lie), she was informed that it was the wrong number to call, and given another number. This happened to her four times. She was beginning to feel that she would end up speaking to the entire DWP. (I was annoyed as well, believe you me. I pay the phone bills).

Eventually she reached the right person. However what she was told next, left her speechless. Apparently when you reach the official retirement age, your access to your internet information is removed.

WTF. Do they think that at age 60 you’ve become senile immediately, dropped dead, or locked up in a mental institution?

I despair, I really do.

She’s done it again

I suggest Diane Abbott gives up tweeting.

Diane Abbott was embroiled in another Twitter row today after accusing London's taxi drivers of driving past black customers………

"Dubious of black people claiming they've never experienced racism," she wrote from her iPhone on Tuesday. "Ever tried hailing a taxi I always wonder?"

I think she’s past her sell by date. Another big foot in a big mouth which will have the professionally offended up in arms again.

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

 

I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the  page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

I was bored. Then became furious.

I was just browsing the DECC (Department for Energy and Climate change) website for something to do, and came across some interesting statistics. In my view we are spending a fortune on bird mincers.

Of course you see the boast of how many they are building.

Between 2003 and 2010 there was a 143 per cent increase in generation from renewables in the UK, but faster rates of growth were recorded in Northern Ireland (652 per cent), Yorkshire and The Humber (287 per cent), East Midlands (258 per cent), North East (231 per cent) and South East (207 per cent) (see charts 11 and 12). For the individual technology groups some very large increases are recorded in percentage terms because in 2003 there was very little use of some of the technologies in various regions.

Chart 13: Annual variation in load factor¹ on an unchanged configuration basis and wind speed

The first point I’d like to make is their inefficiency. They seem to be unable to reach their, so called, load rating. As you can see from the graph above, they are incapable of reaching even 30% of the maximum rated load. In the marine industry where I used to work we would never have put up with such. When commissioning generators after overhaul they were expected to deliver 100% power. In fact for a short period they were tested at 110% of full power.

The second point is if you look at the graph again you’ll see how susceptible they are variations in wind speed.

My third point is that nowhere on the website can I find how many turbines are non-operational. (Have a look if you want).

My final point is who pays for the cost of decommissioning?  Below is a small sample taken for offshore turbines

£40,000 fucking quid per megawatt. Bloody hell. Are they going to take them apart with tweezers? What’s wrong with a few kilos of semtex?

We really are being shafted.

 

1.The ratio of load to the maximum rated load.

Difference between Grans and Grandads

Ever wondered what the  difference between Grannies and Grandads is?
5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school, daily, by her
grandfather.
When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.

That night she told her parents that  the ride to school with granny was very different!!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:

"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser,  blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'