Monday Fun

 

1. The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change." 

2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
 
3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan ?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".
 
4. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
 
5. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
 
6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
 
7. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
 
8. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
 
9. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
 
10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.
 
11. A Welsh Muslim was caught today having sex with a young sheep. In his defence he said it was islam and he could do whatever he liked with it.

Fracking

I’ve written about this before. (And no, it’s not a sex tale).

It’s about extracting natural gas from deep shale rock formations. Yesterday there was a long article in the Daily Mail’s colour supplement.

From the article:

Here are two visions of the future. 

The first one lies at the end of a muddy track in the village of Banks, a 20-minute drive from Preston, Lancashire. It consists of a derrick about 60ft high, a few temporary buildings, a generator and some specialist machinery in a fenced square compound.

Powering the derrick and the drill at its centre is an eerily quiet electric motor. Today, on the first Friday of October, the bit it turns at the end of the drill pipe lies about a mile beneath our feet, boring steadily downwards at a rate of up to 500ft a day, depending on the hardness of the strata. It’s heading for a thick deposit of carboniferous shale, a rock made from the compressed mud which lay on a prehistoric seabed more than 300 million years ago, its upper edge some 7,500ft below the dark green fields of ripening cauliflower that surround the compound.

Locked within the fissures inside that rock is an immense quantity of natural gas – virtually pure, unadulterated methane, of a quality so high it could be pumped direct to domestic and industrial users, and to electricity generating stations……………………….

And 

The second vision is taking shape at the end of the Thames Estuary, where the foundations are being laid for the 217 turbines of the London Array, the world’s biggest offshore wind farm.

Covering 90 square miles, this too will have the capacity to generate 1GW (one billion watts). The turbines’ construction has been priced at £2 billion, four times as much as the Kentish gas plant, although this does not include the cost – perhaps a further £500 million – of connecting them to the National Grid, via 300 miles of undersea high-voltage cables.

Without the labyrinthine system of ‘green’ taxes and Government subsidies known as the Renewables Obligation, which is already adding an estimated £100 to the cost of every British household’s electricity bill, and an average 20 per cent to the charges paid by businesses, the wind farm could never be built, because it would be hopelessly uneconomic…………….

Which one do you think makes sense?

How it’s done animation Click on the Link our active Animation

And the scenario in the sidebar

Do go a read the whole article in the link above.

Will we ever see someone in Government seeing sense and wholeheartedly pushing for shale gas extraction in a big way? Probably not whilst we have that idiot Huhne in charge of energy. Expect more of version two until the lights start to go out.

The Baby Boomers of the post war years

I’m one of them.

Much is being said in the MSM, about  how we had it all.

I beg to differ. I was brought up as a child under rationing. Central heating didn’t exist. It was usual to have ice forming on the inside of our bedroom windows.

Mortgages were just as strict as they are today.

The main difference in my mind, is that my generation eschewed the fripperies of life that the modern generation seem to think is their right.

My first house:

No TV until we could afford to buy an old second hand black and white set. That took five years.

No fridge, and certainly no American fridge freezer, complete with Icemaker.

Second hand furniture, as an when we could afford to buy it.

No phone until we could afford it. Let alone mobile phones which seem to be an essential item these days.

Washing machine. Don’t make me laugh. We did it in the kitchen sink, by hand.

Children. We waited until we could afford to raise them. Eminently sensible to me.

Car. The cheapest banger I could afford.

Driven to school. Petrol rationing was in force. You either cycled or walked. (Dodging the predatory packs of paedophiles – not)

Kitchen. No bespoke kitchen. Just a second hand freestanding cooker that fulfilled the basic needs. Dish washer. The thing  of dreams.

Hi Fi, Video recorder, toaster, computer, food processor, a shower. Nope.

40 hour week. For the first twenty years of my career, 70 hours was the norm.

Paternity leave. My boss would have laughed his head off if I’d dared to ask

Holidays. Apart from our honeymoon, these didn’t exist. (If you can believe that a week in Benidorm is a holiday).

Help from my parents. They couldn’t possibly afford it. they were living on the breadline at that time.

This leads me to the purpose of this post.

Mrs FE and myself have spent a considerable amount of money in assisting our three kids to becoming home owners. Now we could have spent it on exotic holidays or flashy cars. But no. We both came to the same decision without any discussion that it was the right thing to do. (OMG. I’m starting to sound like David Cameron.*)

My parents couldn’t afford to do this but I’m sure they would have if they could.

So my philosophy is adapt to the times  you live in. Complaining about others having it better is just admitting to yourself that you’re a failure.

If you want something hard enough, then just go and get it. If not. Stop whingeing.

*washes mouth out with soap and water

Symbolic

 

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:

"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.

You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the Earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”
The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

 

"Idiots...Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick"

Saturday Stupidity

 

One day, in Biblical world, long after the great flood waters had died down, God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No problemo God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all - you're the Man... " But, God interrupts, "there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Koi Carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Koi Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK... God me old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"

"Check".

“And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly getting increasingly worried about either the sanity of God or his own hearing...

"Dunno", says God....
"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

That debt

 

Don’t swear

A priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.  He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"  the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.   "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks..
And from the sky comes a booming voice ..

"Shit, I missed."

common purpose

I recently sent a FOI request to my County Council enquiring how many of their personal had been Common purpose trained. Not many it seems. See table below.

NAME	YEAR ATTENDED COURSE	ADMINISTRATIVE LEVEL/GRADE	DEPARTMENT
No consent to disclose details
Alison St Clair Baker	2006	Grade KS12	Environment & Regeneration – Change & Development Division
Marisa White	2006	Grade KS15	Children, Families & Education - Operations
No longer with KCC	2007	Grade KS13	Chief Executives Department – ICT Commissioning
No consent to disclose name	2007	Grade KS8-9	Communities – Policy & Resources - Kent Volunteers
No Longer with KCC	2007	KS13	Chief Executives Department – Business Solutions & Policy
Debra Exall	2008	KS15	Adult Services - Performance & Planning
No consent to disclose details

However, why are  some of them loath to allow their details to be known? Have they a dirty little secret that they don’t want me to know? Or maybe they realise they’ve been duped by this shadowy organisation that runs using Chatham house rules.

Just saying

For your continued education !

 

The origins of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods

when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale,

and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.

It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.....or is it?? ;)

Let’s go to Scotland for our booze.

The law of unintended consequences strikes the Righteous.

A loophole in a new law to curb binge drinking could see wine lovers heading to Scotland for bargain booze.

They really didn’t think it through did they?

Customers are expected to take advantage of the recent Alcohol Scotland Act, which stops two-for-one deals and discounts on wine bought in bulk.
It means chains like Majestic, which only sells in bulk, must now sell individual bottles of wine at the lower multiple-buy price available in England.

And even if they close that loophole, there’s still this.

The day before the law came into effect, Tesco told Scottish customers they could still benefit from online wine deals – as  orders were sent from Daventry, England.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Full story here