My fantastic year

Dear Friends

Just before the end of the year I wanted to thank you for the emails you have forwarded over the year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I can no longer buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

I can't even pick up the £5 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will crap on your head at 5:00pm tomorrow afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Take Care and have a very Happy Christmas and New Year.

The Roebuck Inn. Avoid at all costs

They deserve to go out of business.

Motorists who abandoned their cars in a pub car park returned the next day to find that they had been wheel-clamped. The drivers left their vehicles outside the Roebuck Inn, in Winchester, Hampshire, after ice and snow brought traffic to a standstill.

One driver, called Warren, said: “The snow was coming down and the roads around here were gridlocked for hours. It had taken me one and half hours to drive a mile so I thought it would be sensible to leave the car in a safe place overnight.

“But when I came back first thing in the morning I found it had been clamped. It was unbelievable.”

The Roebuck Inn

Send them your comments.

H/T to the Englishman & The Times

Doing my bit for Global warming

The open fire is drawing well. The premium non smokeless coal can be seen to be emitting a plethora of CO2 and other noxious substances from my chimney.

And before you warmists get on at me. It's fucking cold here, so you can fuck off. After all I am a pensioner, Ie senior citizen. Have some respect.

Notice to Kent County Council

What about gritting the pavements and not just the bloody roads. You Tossers.

If I wanted to go ice skating I would go to an Ice rink. Nearly broke my neck today on numerous occasions.

Then again this is the council that lost £50M in the Icelandic bank crash.

Christmas music.

Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.

Dear Santa

Could I have the following?

1) A sit on snowplough. I'm really pissed off, digging my drive out each morning.

2) A money printing machine. I'll need it in the new year. If the Government can have one, why can't I?

3) A two year old. My wife has trouble programming the sky box to record. (And NO, I'm not a paedophile).

4) One of your Reindeer to butcher, as I might not be able to collect the Turkey if the snow continues. Surely you don't need all of them?

5) Inspiration in the new year. Blogging is oh so difficult.

6) Al Gore's head on a plate. (To go with the Reindeer steaks).

7) If you pass Leg Iron's place first. Could you nick all his single malts and drop them off here?

8) Oh and can I have that Partridge in that pear tree? Never had partridge.

Thankyou, you fat git

Yours

FE

Oh, and some Carbon credits would be nice.

Global Warming. Bah Humbug

It might only be weather, but by Christ it's cold here. Minus 5 degrees and falling. The 6 inches of that cold white stuff is not helping.

Mmm, must go and cut down another tree to throw on the fire.

Pretty please. Could we bring the warming a bit earlier, Prince Charles?

I must put on my tinfoil hat again.

How many times have I heard in the last two weeks, the following two phrases.

"Common Purpose"

and

"New World Order"

These strike fear into my heart. I've been picking up on these for the last year or two.

Read this comment by Andrew30

How the lies still trip so easily off Al Gores Tongue.

Watch and weep:



H/T to Subrosa

Peer of the Realm assaulted at Copenhagen

It would appear that the the Danish Police have been particularly intolerant of dissenters to the great Climategate scam.

Viscount Monkton tells his story of how he was mistreated.

Outside, in the real world, it was snowing, and a foretaste of the Brave New World being cooked up by “world leaders” in their fantasy-land was already evident. Some 20,000 observers from non-governmental organizations – nearly all of them true-believing Green groups funded by taxpayers – had been accredited to the conference.

However, without warning the UN had capriciously decided that all but 300 of them were to be excluded from the conference today, and all but 90 would be excluded on the final day.

Of course, this being the inept UN, no one had bothered to notify those of the NGOs that were not true-believers in the UN’s camp. So Senator Steve Fielding of Australia and I turned up with a few dozen other delegates, to be left standing in the cold for a couple of hours while the UN laboriously worked out what to do with us.

In the end, they decided to turn us away, which they did with an ill grace and in a bad-tempered manner. As soon as the decision was final, the Danish police moved in. One of them began the now familiar technique of manhandling me, in the same fashion as one of his colleagues had done the previous day.

It is a scenario that would have made the Hitler Youth and the Stazi proud.

Read the whole article here