He’s cwoss.

This is vid of an interview this morning concerning our Tosspot Prime Minister who’s upset that the names of paedophile (Living or dead) tory MPs, are being touted on the internet. I feel that he's more upset, that he's  been let down by his so called advisors, than who's on the list.
I personally think that the man is shallow and is only interested in looking good. It is about time that someone told him the truth.

Hah. The downfall of plain packs protect.

 

H/T to Jay

My Mum

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I’ve just finished cleaning.'

2 My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7 My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry
about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your
neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I’ve told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you
out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out
just like you '

Undercover Liaisons?

After the Bonfire night party on saturday some strange items revealed themselves.

Now your host has his favourite armchair but had to give it up to the guests in the interest of being a gracious host. So the following is not mine.

On Sunday afternoon whilst sitting in the said armchair I felt coins starting to slide out of my right hand trouser pocket. Quick as a flash with a reflex action my hand shot out (years of training in preventing beer glasses sliding off bars on ships stood me in good stead), and reached down beside the cushion.

The horror. On withdrawing my hand I discovered a freshly worn pair of tights! Now I’m the only person who normally sits in that chair and I know they’re not mine, (Wrong colour) so who’s were they and how did they get there? I was the last person to leave the room the evening before. Maybe a mouse had found them and decided to make a nest for the winter. I then forgot about it.

However the plot thickens.

This morning after visiting my local shop to buy the paper and support the government with their tax revenue by buying my daily dose of cancer sticks, I found another disturbing item.

After returning home after negotiating a tortuous route as usual to avoid Attila the Hen (The school crossing lady), and negotiating the complexity of FE towers security system, I went to hang up my coat.

Quelle Horreur .

My coat hangs on the lefthand hook of a bank of four. However out of the corner of my eye I noticed something strange about hook number four.

Knickers!

After inspecting them my mind began to race (First time for years, believe you me), what debauchery has been going on in my home?

Your mission if you wish to accept it is to decide who the perpetrator of these atrocities could be?

Could it be:

Mrs FE

My Brother-in-law (Is he a secret transvestite?)

Me (Actually don’t go there)

Eldest daughter

Youngest daughter

Niece

Policewoman’s mum

Female friend from around the corner.

My son (Oh god No…….)

Mother in law. ( 66-1 against. You try to get your knickers off unseen whilst using a zimmer frame).

My two son in laws (Oh god No…….again).

The blond, busty policewoman, who’s last words to my eldest daughter were “Your father’s amazing”.

 

It’s over to you now.

Busy Busy

This weekend I’ve been busy preparing and hosting an after fireworks party on Saturday night. All went well and of course I’m now broke due to the drink consumed. (Bastards).

Today was also busy as we were celebrating my Mother In Law’s 91st birthday (Bless her).

I’m here imbibing from my secret reserve stash of whisky. I could write about something of great interest, or just amuse myself with a joke. The joke wins.

A magician was working on a cruise ship.
Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day...  And then 2 days.  And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"

Flight Safety

New Zealand style

Truthland.

 

I’m not sure how many of you have seen the shit film by Josh Fox (This link leads to the Wikipedia entry about him. I wouldn’t give him the oxygen of publicity by linking to his film. If you want to go there, that’s up to you)  purporting to show, how drilling for shale gas is allowing gas to rise into the drinking water aquifers.

The video below shows the real story of how Fracking for gas is not the demon it was portrayed by the ecomentalist loons.

Her story:

Flammable faucets. Top-secret chemicals. Sick livestock. Ominous voice-overs. Grainy video. And that banjo … that incessant banjo.

Shelly had seen and heard enough.

Is hydraulic fracturing — one of many key processes used to produce America’s enormous reserves of natural gas — as unsafe and environmentally ruinous as some have said? The way Gasland director Josh Fox tried so hard to portray it on HBO?

Shelly certainly had a stake in the answer. A teacher by trade from rural northeast Pennsylvania, Shelly lives with her husband, four children and granddaughter on a farm that’s been part of her husband’s family since 1890. Of course, that farm also happens to sit atop the Marcellus Shale, one of the largest natural gas fields in the world. If accessing those resources wasn’t safe, she thought, then neither was her family. She owed it to them — and to herself — to find out the truth. After all, wells were being considered for her property.

Dispatches from the Real Gasland

If only our government would step back and see how dire our energy requirements are going to become in the next few years and realise that Fracking for gas and oil may just help bring about the saving of our economy.

I’ve posted this before. We just need to get a move on.

Hidden logos

 

Do you see the arrow between the 'E' and 'x'?
I had never noticed this before.

Probably the world’s most famous bike race..
The 'R' in 'Tour' is a cyclist and yellow circle front wheel of bicycle.

Arrow probably means Amazon has everything from A to Z!

There is a bear if you look closely at image of Matterhorn.
Toblerone chocolate bars originated in Berne, Switzerland, whose symbol is the bear.

See the gorilla and lioness?

------------------------------
A bus station is where a bus stops..
A railway station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........*

*Nothing to do with the above Logos whatsoever

Trick or a treat

This is what I’m putting on the outside of my front door tonight.

And this is what I shall put on the inside.

I’ll have to try not to look at the bottom one.

Are you sitting comfortably?

Then I’ll begin.

The other day I was in my daughter’s car with her driving and my one year old grandson in the back. After much general small talk the conversation turned to their upcoming holiday in the Canaries. The only part that my daughter expressed concern about was having her son on her lap for up to seven hours.

At that I remarked lighheartedly that they shouldn’t be so tight and should have bought a seat for their son. I was wrong. Apparently airlines do not allow children of his age to have a seat of their own. For safety reasons.

This struck me as very odd. If my daughter was to ride in my car with her son sitting on her lap we would most likely be prosecuted for child abuse/ reckless endangerment/ or attempted murder of a minor, etc.(Pick crime of your choice). We’d probably end up in a maximum security prison in this strange day and age.n E

Of course my daughter would do any such thing as she has a state of the art car seat which fits all modern cars. All modern cars have an Isofix system specifically design for the quick and secure fitting of these seats.

My point is that as parents of a child this age will be taking their car seat/ push chair with them to their holiday resort. Why the fuck aren’t the aircraft seats fitted with Isofix?

Too expensive? No. Especially if I was a budget airline owner I could coin in the cash.

Just insist, in the interest of safety, all children would have to be seated in an isofix seat. Of course you would still have to pay for the airline seat. They could also rent out the isofix seat to you for a huge small fee.

After all if the PTB consider it dangerous for a child not to be suitably restrained in a car at 30 Mph, then surely it makes sense that a child should be suitably restrained in an aircraft doing 500 Mph.

PS Ryanair and Easyjet. This is my idea. Gimmee ten percent of the profit you make.